by Nella Tyler
As hot water flooded over my body, I breathed in deeply and imagined what it would be like to see Lauren again after all these years. I kept picturing her in our old apartment, in the kitchen she had hated so much. It was an unrealistic setting, but that was the only image that came to mind. I imagined walking through the door; I imagined her turning to me in shock, her green eyes blazing.
“I’m back for good,” I would say. “I should never have left you behind.”
She would stare at me for a moment, unwilling to give away her feelings so easily.
“Did you get my letters?” I would ask.
“Yes,” she would reply at last.
“You didn’t reply to any of them.”
“Because I didn’t know what to say,” she would reply. “And, I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to leave you behind.”
“And did you?”
“No,” she would say. “I couldn’t. It’s always been you. There’s never been anyone else.”
I imagined myself rushing towards her at the same moment she came towards me. I imagined our bodies colliding with the force of our desire, both determined to extinguish the four-year gap that had separated us. I imagined ripping her clothes off and exploring her body as though I had only just discovered it. I imagined spreading her out over the table and taking her hard against the cold wood.
My imagination did such a magnificent job of creating the scene that I felt myself harden at the thought. The hot water felt so good against my skin and the desire to be inside Lauren again was overwhelming. I reached down and started jerking myself off while I thought about her. I pictured every part of her body – her neck, her breasts, her thighs, and her cunt.
I imagined my tongue at her cunt, working over her until she was shivering and screaming my name with abandon. I imagined my hands hard on her breasts and her ass and her face. I imagined fucking her in every possible position invented by man, our bodies entwined like feral animals whose lust and desire could not be satiated.
I imagined it over and over again until I couldn’t take it anymore. I came violently as cum spurted out to mix with water before it disappeared down the side drain. I spread my arms out against the cool tile and breathed deeply as I recovered from the heat of my fantasies. I felt a new resolve forming in the pit of my stomach. I had a new purpose now, and I had to see this through.
“I’m coming for you, Lauren,” I whispered to myself, a fervent promise that I made to the universe. “You are mine. You always have been.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Lauren
“Well?” Jeremy said, looking at me a little nervously.
I had chickened out of signing on the last two buildings we had looked at, so his nerves were well founded. But this time, I could find no excuse not to sign. The space was central, the building was spacious and solid, and there was parking to boot.
“I like it,” I said slowly. “Love it, in fact.”
“Love is a big word,” he reminded me slowly.
I smiled and turned to him. “I think this is the one.”
Jeremy raised his eyebrows and looked me straight in the eye. “You’re sure?”
“Positive,” I nodded. “Absolutely positive.”
“Does that mean you’ll sign?”
“It does,” I nodded, and he breathed a sigh of relief that he didn’t even bother to mask. I laughed. “You were that nervous, huh?”
“When I was alerted that this building had just gone on the market, I knew it was perfect for your gym,” he said. “I was just scared that you wouldn’t see it yourself.”
“You would’ve made me see sense,” I said.
He shot me a look. “Have I ever managed as much in the past?”
“That’s unfair,” I said. “I listen to you.”
He smirked. “Just barely. I’ll go talk to the realtors,” Jeremy said as walked inside again.
I looked up at the building and I could imagine my dream. It was finally here and it was so close that I could practically taste it. I thought back over the last three years. After my first initial meeting with Jeremy, I had chickened out at the last minute and had dropped off the radar without any explanation.
The truth was that I wasn’t in a position to be starting a new business so soon after giving birth. I realized that the time commitment it would have taken to make the business a success would have been time taken away from my son, and I didn’t want to have to choose work over him.
I hadn’t wanted to explain any of this to Jeremy, so I had simply avoided his calls until he stopped trying. It was a cowardly move and weak willed on my part, but for some reason, I didn’t want to seem like a disappointment to him. A part of me knew I was projecting, but I was too mixed up in two a.m. feedings, dirty diapers, and unpredictable mood swings to spend a lot of time sorting out the rest of my life.
It was only after running into Jeremy by chance at a grocery store last year that our friendship had kicked off again. And when he had asked me point blank why I hadn’t returned any of his calls or made any attempt to contact him, I knew that I owed him a long overdue explanation.
“I’m sorry,” I had told him standing in front of the refrigerated produce. “I know what I did was wrong. I should have called you back.”
“Why didn’t you?” he had asked in a tone that was unmistakably hurt.
“Because…I had a lot to deal with at the time and I didn’t think I could handle a new business venture.”
“A lot to deal with?” Jeremy had asked in confusion. “Like what?”
“I…it’s complicated,” I had replied.
“That’s a cop out and you know it.”
“I know,” I had sighed. “I just didn’t want you to look at me as though I was…a loser, I guess.”
“What? Why on Earth would I have looked at you like that?”
“I have a son,” I had admitted finally. “His name is Cole, and he’s three years old now. When I met you for lunch that day to discuss the business, he was only a month old.”
Jeremy just stared at me for a second. “You had just had a baby?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to get into the gory details. I didn’t want to tell you how the love of my life left me behind to in an attempt to fill this giant hole in his life that I couldn’t fix. I didn’t want to tell you that I was a single mother with a newborn at home. I didn’t want to tell you that most of my savings were earmarked for diapers and baby clothes and doctors’ appointments. I didn’t want you to see me as a failure.”
“A failure?” he had repeated. “What you just described is the furthest thing from a failure. What you described is a straight up warrior.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not,” Jeremy said firmly. “Did you know that I was raised by a single parent?”
“No.”
“My mother left when I was a kid and my dad is the one who raised me, single-handed. And he was my hero. He still is, actually.”
“Now I feel silly for not having been honest with you from the start.”
Jeremy had smiled. “I’m willing to forgive you if you promise to be honest with me in the future.”
“Really?” I had asked.
“Of course.”
After that chance meeting, Jeremy had suddenly become a part of my life. We went out for meals together, spoke about starting up my business and eventually, I even introduced him to Cole and my mother. He got along great with my mother and Cole loved him, too. Jeremy was patient, kind, and attentive, and that made it so much easier for me to be friends with him.
The only problem was that I was aware of his lingering feelings for me. He had never approached me that way again, but I could sense his interest in the way he looked at me sometimes, the way he touched me unnecessarily, and the way he made random excuses for us to meet up. I wanted so much to be in the same place he was, but every time I tried to
picture us together, I hit this wall that I couldn’t seem to get past. It was like something was blocking me and I was loathed to admit that it might be Chase.
Chase’s letters had continued to come faithfully every month. It got to the point where I would actually look for them in my mailbox. But I still hadn’t opened a single one. At first, I didn’t know if it was anger or pride that kept me from reading them, but I had to admit that I felt a sadistic sense of satisfaction in receiving Chase’s letters, never knowing what was in any of them.
I told myself that I was taking a stand. I was being strong. I wasn’t going to read his letters because I didn’t want him to have the last word. But the truth was I didn’t want feel myself soften towards him. I didn’t want him to get inside my head again. I didn’t want to start hoping that he was coming back for me, especially now that there was Jeremy.
“Lauren?” Jeremy was motioning for me to come inside. He had the papers ready for my signature when I walked in. “I looked through everything,” he said. “I think this is the best we can hope for.”
“Did they agree to price we suggested?” I asked, keeping my fingers crossed.
“They did.”
“No way!” I exclaimed looking at Jeremy in amazement.
“I managed to talk them into it.”
I jumped into his arms without thinking. “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening,” I said ecstatically. “I couldn’t have done any of it without you.”
“Hey, don’t mention it,” Jeremy said, gently returning pressure.
When we finally broke apart, he pointed me in the direction of the papers. “Are you ready to sign?”
“Ready,” I nodded as I picked up the pen and scrawled my name on the dotted line. I felt a chill run through me as I stared at my signature on the paper. “Wow, this is really happening.”
“You are officially the owner of this building,” he said with a wink.
We finished up business at the building that was now legally mine and set off down the street where Jeremy’s car was parked. He held the door open for me and then walked around to the driver’s seat. As we started the drive back to my apartment, he turned to me and smiled.
“I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you,” he said softly. “Seriously, Lauren, you’ve come so far and done so much. I couldn’t imagine starting a business and raising a four-year-old at the same time.”
“I didn’t do it on my own,” I pointed out. “I couldn’t have done it without you helping me out with the business and my mother helping me out with Cole.”
“Well, even superheroes need a little help sometimes.”
“Superheroes?” I said with raised eyebrows.
“I think it’s a fair comparison.”
I laughed. “And I think to say you’re being generous is an understatement.”
“If you need someone to settle this argument, we can always ask Cole,” Jeremy suggested instantly.
I shot him a look. “You know that Cole will agree with you.”
“And doesn’t that tell you something?” he asked. “Your son thinks you’re a superhero. Doesn’t that count at all?”
I smiled, allowing myself to be flattered. “Okay, okay,” I said at last. “I concede.”
He laughed and we discussed the ins and outs of the business until he finally pulled to a stop in front of Mom’s apartment. I had just unbuckled my seatbelt when Jeremy extended his hand out and touched mine.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” he asked seriously.
“I…of course,” I nodded as I turned in my seat to face him.
He was suddenly looking a little uncomfortable and that made me a little uncomfortable, too. “Jeremy?”
“We’re friends, right?” he asked awkwardly, and I knew that wasn’t the way he had wanted to start this conversation.
I raised my eyebrows. “Of course, we’re friends,” I said. “Very good friends.”
“I think so, too,” Jeremy nodded. “I guess what I’m trying to say is….”
“Yes?” I could tell he was frustrated with himself and I tried to help him out. “Jeremy,” I said. “It’s okay, you can tell me anything. I just—”
Before I could finish my sentence, he leaned in and kissed me on the lips, taking me completely unaware. I was so shocked that I kept my eyes open for a full two seconds before I relaxed into the unexpected kiss that was a little strange, but oddly pleasant. When he pulled back, his cheeks were a little pink and I was willing to bet mine were, as well.
“Let me try again,” Jeremy said. “We’ve been friends for a while now, but I would like to be more than just your friend. I knew that the first time I saw you in our classics class, and I feel the same way now. We’re both single, we’re both free, and I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t give this a shot.”
“Jeremy…I…I don’t know,” I said honestly, wishing I could express myself a little clearer.
“What don’t you know?” he asked earnestly. “What are you worried about?”
“I’m not worried about you,” I said quickly. “I have no questions or doubts or reservations about you. You’re…perfect. It’s me.”
I saw his face fall at my words, and I knew it sounded like one of those generic lines you fed to a person that you had no interest in being with. “No, Jeremy, listen,” I sighed. “I know it seems like I’m making an excuse, but truly…I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship yet. When Cole was about two, I tried going on a couple of dates and they were all awful. It made me realize that I couldn’t rush things. I need more time to heal.”
“It’s been a long time since he left, Lauren,” Jeremy reminded me gently.
“I know that,” I nodded. “But I can’t in good conscience start something with you when I feel this way. It wouldn’t be fair to you, and I care about you too much to risk hurting you or the friendship that we’ve built. I promised you that day in the grocery store that I would always be honest with you, remember?”
He gave me a sad smile. “I remember.”
“You deserve someone who doesn’t have all this baggage,” I said. “You should find someone uncomplicated.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” Jeremy said firmly.
I looked into his clear eyes and felt a connection there. He was a good man, and he was amazing with Cole. “I’m sorry, Jeremy,” I said. “I need more time.”
“Then take it,” he said unexpectedly. “Take the time you need. I’ll wait.”
“Jeremy…”
He silenced me with another kiss. This was one softer and shorter than the last, but it held the seal of hope. “I’ll wait as long as it takes,” he said. “You’re going to be ready to move on one day, and on that day, I’m going to be there – waiting. Okay?”
I smiled and shook my head at him. “Okay,” I nodded at last.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chase
I could see trees and the boundaries of buildings that just looked like distorted shapes from our height. I viewed it through my window and took a deep breath. Four years later and I was finally home. I had this odd feeling in my chest – it felt good and yet surreal in the same moment.
I had gotten used to the rough terrain of the Middle East and compared to the dusky browns and endless desert there, everything I saw seemed obscenely colorful. An announcement was being made preparing all the passengers for landing, and I felt myself tense a little. My first thought was Lauren, and after that, I found I had to concentrate on my breathing.
I had gone to the bathroom an hour ago and changed out of my uniform and into plain clothes, jeans, and a white t-shirt. I was proud of my stint as a soldier, I was happy with all my accomplishments and the work I’d done when I was over there, but a part of me felt as though I needed to set that aside for now and focus on my immediate future. In my head, that involved Lauren – she was the central point from which everything else revolved.
I pictured her pale skin, her lustrous, green eyes, and her s
eductive, dark hair. She had always worn it long so that it fell to her middle back when released. Sometimes during sex, I’d take her from behind and play with her hair as I fucked her. I imagined doing it again, running my fingers through her hair and kissing every inch of her body. I had a road map of her body ingrained in my head, the round, full breasts, the slightly curvy hips that narrowed down to her thin thighs, and the three birthmarks that formed a distorted triangle just above her right ankle.
As the plane began to drop altitude, I had a sudden thought. What if the Lauren ingrained in my memory had changed? A lot could happen in four years. What if she had cut her hair? What if she had colored it? What if she wore glasses now? What if she had new marks on her body that I was ignorant of because I had missed the last four years of her life and everything in it?
I started to feel lightheaded as the plane dropped further down. I glanced out the window and noticed everything was becoming clearer. It looked like Los Angeles and not some cartoon drawing that was just a blend of colors. I had held fast to the belief that Lauren might still be waiting for me. I had convinced myself of the fact that our love was so strong and so powerful that despite the way things had ended between us, she had waited for me.
Now, I wasn’t so confident anymore. I was nervous, and I was scared. It was almost funny that after four years of being a soldier in a hostile environment, I found myself balking at the thought of seeing Lauren again. When the plane hit the tarmac, I balled my hands into fists and tried to think positive. That was all I could do at this point.
The airport was packed and it took me nearly an hour to get my bags and find my parents. The moment the sliding doors parted, I saw them on the other side staring at me with massive smiles on their faces.
“Mom! Dad!” I called, and they ran at me like children.
“Chase!” Mom said, slamming into me first. “You’re finally here! Let me look at you.”
She pushed my face away from hers and stared at me. Her eyes looked so bright that they brought some moisture into mine. I could still see Braden’s death etched across her face, but it was subtler now. Time had managed to move her past the great agony of that grief. Both Mom and Dad looked exactly the same to me. Maybe Dad had a few, extra gray hairs and Mom had put on a little bit of weight, but it suited them both.
