by Cathryn Fox
“You have been,” he says and looks straight ahead, like he has something on his mind.
“I’m glad you’re going out with the guys tonight,” I tell him.
“Why’s that?” he asks, sounding distracted.
“I’ve been monopolizing all your time. It will be good for you to get out.”
We pull into his driveway and he scrubs his face. His thoughts are clearly elsewhere. “Yeah, I guess,” he says and unbuckles.
Kaitlyn jumps from the backseat and makes a beeline for the front door. We follow her up and my stomach is tight. What does Callan have on his mind? After his daughter asking if I was going to be her mother, is he thinking maybe we need to end this? Maybe we shouldn’t be setting Kaitlyn up for disappointment…maybe I shouldn’t be setting myself up for it.
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
My heart is a little heavy as we head inside and change into long pants and we all grab sweaters. The air gets much cooler at night, even in the summer. I plaster on a smile, not wanting Callan to think there is anything wrong as we all pile back into his car.
A short while later, we find a grassy spot at the park, which is filled with people, and we settle in to watch the show. Kaitlyn is so hyped, she’s running circles around us, but then stops abruptly.
“Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom.”
“I can take her,” I say and glance at the line near the portables.
“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll take her. Come on, kiddo. Let’s hurry before the show starts.” Callan jumps up, and the sun slips lower on the horizon when he disappears into the crowd. I dig into my purse and pull out my phone, about to text Amanda, to make sure we’re still on for dinner tomorrow night.
As I text, Callan drops back down next to me. “That was fast,” I say but my heart leaps into my throat when I turn and find Brad sitting next to me. He tugs his legs up and wraps his arms around them. “What are you doing here?” I ask and glance around.
He gestures with a nod to the portables. “Lover boy is in the line,” he says. “It’s just you and me.” He eyes me for a second. “Relax, Gemma.”
My heart crashes against my chest. “What do you want?”
He shuffles closer and I move from the blanket to the grass. “You know what I want.”
“And you know I’m with Callan,” I say. “Didn’t we make that clear at the weekend gathering?”
“You’re not really with him, Gemma.” He snorts. “I know all about his wife, and how she died, and how he’s not interested in doing that all over again, so believe me when I say I know you’re not really with him.”
“I don’t know where you got your information. But you’re wrong,” I say, even though it’s a lie. Brad is telling me the hard truth that I haven’t wanted to face as we played house this last month. “You should leave.”
“No, Gemma, you’re the one who should leave. If you think he’s going to give you what you want, you’re wrong.”
“You don’t know anything about us.”
“Now that’s where you’re wrong. I know everything.” I open my mouth to tell him to leave, but he cuts me off. “You always wanted a family, and children of your own. He’s not going to give you that, Gemma.” A fast pause and then, “I will, though. We used to talk about that, remember?”
Tears fill my eyes, and I work to blink them back. “I remember a lot of things, Brad, and most of them aren’t good.”
“Things will be different this time.”
“You said that to me many times to get me back, but things never changed, Brad. You have anger issues and need therapy.”
“That’s because you continued to do things that angered me, baby. If you would just stop that…”
I shake my head. Just like a typical narcissist, he’s turning the blame on me. Gaslighting me. But I’m stronger now. Being with Callan, a man who treats me with respect, has taught me so much, about myself, and life. I hate that I stayed with him as long as I did, that I believed he would change, that he cared about me enough to try. I was broken then. But I’m not now. Callan helped put the pieces of myself back together.
“We were good,” he says in a low soft voice, the same one he used to use when he swore things would get better. But I’m not that girl he once knew. I’m a different person now, and it’s not going to work. “Remember how much fun we had when we went to that bed and breakfast on the lake last year?”
“I remember,” I say. “Things were good at first, then you got angry when I nearly tipped the canoe. Do you remember that, Brad?”
He ignores the comment and says, “We made love by the fire that night. Remember how good that was?”
I shake my head as my blood rushes faster through my veins, and once again, the world spins around me. I calm myself as my mind goes back to that weekend, and what I remember—Brad taking me rough, getting off and rolling over and going to sleep.
“Just leave, please,” I say and inject authority into my voice.
His voice takes on a hard edge when he says, “You’ll be mine again, Gemma. I promise you that.”
“I don’t want you, Brad. I want Callan, and you’ll never be half the man he is.”
His twisted smirk slithers down my spine and elicits a hard shiver. “Yeah, but he’ll never really be yours, now will he? The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll come back to me.”
“No—”
“Don’t make this hard on yourself, Gemma. Don’t make me come for you.”
14
Callan
As the morning sun rises on the horizon, I lay in bed, my arm on my forehead as my thoughts go back to yesterday. Jesus, my heart nearly jumped from my chest after Kaitlyn asked if Gemma could be her mother. We’ve been having fun together and she’s so good with my daughter, but committing and giving myself fully, scares the living shit out of me. I can’t imagine a life without Gemma in it. But I don’t know if I can give her what she wants. After losing a wife and unborn son, I’m not sure I have it in me to walk that road again. Take those kinds of chances.
Last night, on my way back from the portables with Kaitlyn, I knew Gemma and I needed to talk, but realized it would have to wait when I found a very shaken up Gemma. The second she told me about Brad showing up, I jumped up and searched the crowd—even though she didn’t want me to. But I was ready to introduce his face to my fist. Just like a fucking bully, he showed up when she was alone. The guy needs to come pick on someone his own size. She insisted she was okay, and that I should go out and shoot pool with the guys, but no way was I leaving her alone.
“Good morning,” I say as Gemma rolls over in the bed and opens her eyes. Her smile is warm and enticing, but then it falls. Every muscle in my body tenses. “What’s wrong?”
“I…don’t know,” she says, and jumps from the bed. She hurries into the bathroom and I hear her retching into the toilet. I tug on a pair of sweats and follow her in. She whimpers and waves me off. “Go, I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Stop it,” I say and take her hair, pulling it back so she doesn’t get it wet.
“Callan,” she moans. “Ugh, I don’t think I should have eaten all that junk yesterday.”
I touch her head, and find her a bit warm. “I’m not sure it was the food. You feel a bit feverish, really.”
“No,” she said. “I don’t want to be sick.”
“No one does,” I say and get her a glass of water. She rinses her mouth and leans against the tub. “Better.”
“I think so.”
“Think we should get you to the doctor?”
“No, it’s probably something I ate…” She goes quiet, and frowns.
“Or maybe it’s because of Brad,” I say. “I think we need to go to the police, Gemma. This could be the result of stress.”
“I don’t want to. I want this to just go away.”
“I don’t think he’s going away.” I push her damp hair from her forehead. “He threatened you.”
“Callan, i
f anything ever happened to you and Kaitlyn because—”
“Nothing is going to happen to us,” I tell her. “Or you. You’re staying with me, in this house until he’s out of your life for good.”
“I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. His parents are best friends with my parents, remember, and I’m only here for a little while longer. I need to get back to my place, and to my real life before the new school year starts. You won’t need me here then. Kaitlyn won’t need a nanny.”
I open my mouth, wanting to tell her I do need her, and her being here with me isn’t just to take care of Kaitlyn. I want her here with me, but how can I say those things when I’m not sure I can give her what she needs? I’m not going to be the guy to keep her from having a house full of children, because I’m too much of a chicken shit, too afraid of loving and losing…again. Even if I wasn’t afraid, I can’t forget the reminder she just gave me—she needs to get back to her real life. Yeah, I get it, this one is just pretend. Although, I’m not even sure we’re pretending anymore. Or is she just not feeling what I’m feeling?
Fuck me.
She looks down, her brow furrowed, and I worry she’s going to be sick again.
“Gemma, what’s wrong?”
We both turn at the sound of Kaitlyn’s voice.
“I’m not feeling well,” Gemma says.
Kaitlyn opens the sliver of a closet, takes out a cloth and runs it under the water. She puts it on Gemma’s forehead and my heart swells.
“This is what Daddy does when I don’t feel good.”
“Thank you, sweetie,” Gemma says. “I’m sorry I woke you. Why don’t you go back to bed? You don’t want to be tired when you go visit your grandparents later.”
“You didn’t wake me. There was a noise outside. A big bang.”
Gemma and I both look at each other, and from the widening of her eyes, it’s clear we’re both thinking the same thing. “Kaitlyn, go crawl into bed with Gemma. I’m going to check things out.”
Gemma captures my arm. “Callan. Please, don’t.”
I put my hand on hers. “I’m sure it’s nothing, but you two go jump in bed, okay?”
She nods and I help her to her feet. When they’re both under the blankets, I tug on a T-shirt and head outside.
I walk the house and find the garbage can tipped over. I fix it and head back inside. The girls are talking quietly when I reach the bedroom.
“I think it was a racoon. The garbage was tipped.”
Kaitlyn laughs, clearly finding the idea funny. “Come on, kiddo. You need a few more hours of sleep. So does Gemma.”
Kaitlyn gives Gemma a kiss on the cheek. “I hope you feel better.”
“I already do,” she says, her lids falling shut before I can even get Kaitlyn out the door. I get Kaitlyn tucked in and go back in to check on Gemma, who is fast asleep. I touch her forehead again and find her still a bit warm.
I make my way to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, a little too worked up to fall back to sleep. Cup of java in hand, I head to the garage to do a bit of tidying, all the while thinking I should call the cops and get a restraining order against Brad. Gemma doesn’t want me to, but him showing up last night and threatening her…well, he needs to know he can’t get away with shit like that.
I work out my frustrations by cleaning, and when I check the time, it’s eight, time for Kaitlyn to get up and head to her grandparents. Although maybe I’ll keep her here. If Gemma isn’t well, we won’t be going out to dinner tonight.
I head back inside, and Kaitlyn is in the bathroom when I reach the top step. “Almost done, Daddy,” she calls out and I stick my head into my bedroom. Gemma opens one eye, and smiles at me.
I cross the room and sit on the bed. “How are you feeling?”
“So much better. I’m not sure what that was all about but it’s passed, and I’m actually starving.”
I chuckle and tug the blankets down. “I’ll make us breakfast.” I pause. “Do you still want to go out tonight, or do you want to just stay in and rest?”
She looks past my shoulder to see if the coast is clear, grabs my T-shirt and brings me close, her mood very different from earlier this morning. “I want to go out to dinner, and then I want to come back here. But not to rest.”
I laugh. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Tonight, it will be you,” she teases, and I put my hand on her cheek.
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. You’re still flushed.”
“Yeah, but it’s not because I’m sick,” she says, a smile on her face.
“Well enough to help with breakfast.”
“Burnt toast and runny eggs coming up.”
I laugh. “On that note.” I stand, and say, “I’ll get started. Come down when you’re ready.” I head downstairs and find Kaitlyn in front of the TV. “Want to help me with breakfast?”
“Can we have pancakes with the smiley face?”
“Sure,” I say and she jumps up.
“I’ll get the chocolate chips.”
I roll my eyes. She never thought to put chocolate chips in her pancakes until Gemma taught her and turned it into something fun by making them into a smiley face. Kaitlyn loves them, but I only let her have the chocolate on the weekends and as a special treat.
She grabs the bag, and I reach for the bowl. “Daddy, I want a baby brother,” she says, and I nearly choke on my tongue.
“You do, huh?” I say quickly pulling myself together.
“Baily just got a baby brother. Can I have one too?”
“Well, kiddo, it’s not really that easy.”
“I know you need a mommy to have a baby, but Gemma is going to be my mommy, right?”
Well fuck. So much for her forgetting about that.
I pull a chair out and gesture for her to sit. I drop into the one next to her. “Where is all this coming from?” I ask, my throat so goddamn tight it’s a bit hard to talk.
“I want a real mommy,” she says with a frown, her eyes big and sad. My gut clenches. “And I want a baby brother to play with.”
“I know you do, honey,” I say, hating that I’ve deprived her of this. “But I don’t think that’s something that’s going to happen. We got Gilbert for you to play with.”
She folds her arms and her eyes fill with tears. My fucking heart nearly splits into two. “It’s not the same.”
“I know,” I say and ruffle her hair. “But we can’t have a baby without a mommy, right?”
“But Gemma can be our mommy.”
I tug on my hair, not knowing how to handle this. “Honey, a man and a woman must love each other before they get married and make a baby.”
“Do you love Gemma?”
A noise behind me has me jumping to my feet, and when I find Gemma standing there, her eyes big, I figure she heard most of our conversation.
“Let’s get at those pancakes,” I say. “Then we need to get you to your grandparents.”
I step around the island and busy myself as Gemma slowly enters the kitchen, like she’s unsure whether she should be here or not.
“Gemma, are you feeling better?” Kaitlyn asks.
“I am,” she says and gives her a tap on the nose. “Thank you for asking, Kaitlyn.” She nods to the cage on the table in the corner. “How is Gilbert today?”
Her mouth opens, like she just had an epiphany. “Daddy, can we get a girl guinea pig and they can get married and have babies?”
“Ah, we’ll see,” I say before I can think better of it, and Kaitlyn jumps up and down and starts clapping. My eyes seek Gemma’s and she’s cringing. She comes my way and stands beside me as Kaitlyn takes Gilbert from the cage.
“What have you done?” she whispers.
“I don’t know. All this talk about a baby brother has rattled me.”
“Yeah, I heard that. I didn’t mean to listen in. Pretty deep conversation for an early Saturday morning.”
“I don’t think I handled it very well.”
/>
“You did perfectly fine,” she says. “You have to be honest with her, Callan. If more children aren’t in your future, it’s best she knows that. She’s a kid, she’s resilient, and not having a sibling will in no way hurt her.”
I nod, even though I’m not a hundred percent sure about that. Gemma pours a cup of coffee and takes a sip. She makes a face, like she’d just tasted something spoiled.
“What’s wrong?”
“Tastes funny,” she says. I take the cup from her and take a drink. Seems okay to me. “I can make a fresh pot. This one has been on a long time.”
“I can do it,” she says and as she turns her attention to the coffee, and I glance at my daughter, who is telling Gilbert all about his upcoming wedding, and how he’s going to be a daddy soon.
My phone rings and I pull it from my pocket to read a message from Mason. The guys were disappointed that I stayed in last night, but after Gemma’s run in with Brad, I wasn’t going anywhere.
Mason: Hey bud, what’s up?
Callan: Getting breakfast and Kaitlyn ready to go to her grandparents.
Mason: Is Gemma going to be Kaitlyn’s new mommy!!!
I roll my eyes at the message.
Callan: Very funny.
Mason: Actually, I’m being serious.
I stare at the phone. How the hell do I reply to that? Three dots appear and I wait for his next message.
Mason: You two are good together, bud. Maybe you want to think about that.
Callan: It’s not like that.
Mason. Then make it like that.
I set my phone down as my heart jumps into my throat for the umpteenth time this morning. I turn to find Gemma staring at me.
“Everything okay?” she asks, and glances at my phone, worry lingering in her eyes.
“It was just Mason.”
“He must be disappointed that you didn’t go out last night.”
“He’s fine,” I say and pour water into the package batter.
Her eyes narrow, unconvinced. “Is he giving you a hard time about something? You look upset.”
