Beautifully Broken Spirit

by Catherine Cowles

  Tuck appeared behind him, dark blond hair looking almost brown as though it were still damp from a shower. “Morning, Little J. You got any more of those for me?” he asked, eyeing the pancakes.

  I inclined my head towards the platter on the counter. “Help yourself.”

  Walker pulled out a travel mug and filled it with coffee. “You just inhaled three donuts, how are you still hungry?”

  Tuck shrugged, patting his flat stomach. “I’m a growing boy.” He shot me a grin that had girls all across the county dropping their panties as he sat with a plate full of pancakes. “And J’s pancakes are the best.”

  Noah nodded furiously. “They’re my favorite, too.”

  “Good taste, little man.” Tuck took a peek in my mug, his brows pulling together. “Since when do you drink coffee?”

  I took another sip of the bitter liquid, trying to fight the grimace that wanted to surface. “Since I needed more caffeine than tea could offer.”

  Tuck and Walker eyed each other, and my teeth clenched. Walker pulled back the last open chair and dropped onto it. “Tuck and I wanted to see if you could meet us for a late lunch at the saloon. We have SWAT training this morning, but we could meet you at two.”

  Tuck and my brother were not only the best of friends, but they also served on a tri-county SWAT team that had all different branches of law enforcement on it. So, while Walker was the deputy chief of police in Sutter Lake, and Tuck worked for Forest Service law enforcement, they still got to work together on a semi-regular basis.

  I set down my mug. “I wish I could, but I’ve got too much going on at work. Then I need to pick up Noah and take him to karate.” In reality, I was happy I had an excuse to miss lunch with them. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them both, but I was so damn tired of all the assessing stares and carefully couched questions.

  Walker’s jaw worked. “You need to get some more help there.”

  My grip around the mug of coffee tightened. “I know how to run my business, Walker.” I’d proven that time and again. Even when the economy had suffered, my tea shop had flourished.

  He sighed. “I know that. I just don’t want you overextending yourself.”

  Sometimes, it seemed like my brother thought I was a moron. I forced my voice to remain even. “I’m looking for someone. There just haven’t been any good applicants yet.” The Tea Kettle was my pride and joy, and I wasn’t going to hire just anyone. The Kettle needed the right employee.

  Tuck set down his fork. “They might not be as good as Tessa was, but you need someone. You’re running yourself ragged lately, and you look exhausted.”

  I fought the urge to throw the remainder of my pancake at Tuck. “Thanks for letting me know I look like shit.” One of my best friends and most valuable employees had recently quit so she could pursue art full-time, and I missed her presence on a whole bunch of levels. But I didn’t need to know that I looked like shit while trying to make up for Tessa’s absence.

  “Ooooooh, Mom. That’s a bad one. You gotta put a quarter in the swear jar.” Noah stuffed another bite of pancake into his mouth.

  “You’re right, baby. I shouldn’t be saying those words.” I glared at Tuck.

  Tuck scowled. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

  “Sure.” I focused on my half-eaten pancake. His comment had cut more than I wanted to admit. I was trying so hard to show everyone that I was fine and that I had everything under control. During the day, I did a pretty good job. But the circles that rimmed my eyes told the truth about the nights.

  That was when it all came crashing down around me. The voices that railed against all the horrible choices I’d made in my life. But it was the most recent that stole the greatest amount of sleep. I had let a monster into all of our lives. A man I’d thought was kind, caring, and shy. Really, he had been sick, twisted, and sadistic.

  And my actions had nearly gotten my brother and his girlfriend killed. I didn’t know how to live with that. Each night as I lay in bed, I remembered how I’d let Bryce in. How I’d told him all my worries and fears. How I’d seen nothing but kindness in him. I’d close my eyes and feel his hand cupping my cheek, his fingers running through my hair. Then my eyes would fly open, and I’d dart into the shower, rubbing my skin until it was raw, praying that it would erase the memory.

  It never did.

  Between Noah’s father and Bryce, it was safe to say that if I became interested in a man, the only thing I should do is run in the opposite direction.

  2

  Tuck

  Walker’s truck rumbled to a start, and he threw it in reverse. My eyes lingered on Jensen’s front door. Things were not good in her world, and I had no idea how to make it better.

  Walker’s phone buzzed in the cupholder, and he snatched it up. A dopey grin took over his face, and I chuckled. “Taylor?”

  His eyes narrowed in my direction. “Yes.”

  “How are things in relationship land?” My best friend had finally been taken down, and he was staying there. I was thrilled for him, happy that he had that kind of love and loyalty in his life. A prickle of something that felt a lot like jealousy flitted through my chest. Not at him being with Taylor, but envy that he had something I never would.

  Walker pulled out of the space he’d filled in front of Jensen’s guest house. “Things are great. How are things in manwhore alley?”

  “Well, Carrie Kilpatrick learned how to do this thing with her tongue—”

  Walker smacked me upside the back of the head. “I don’t want to hear that shit.”

  I chuckled. “You asked.” I was single, I might as well enjoy the variety life had to offer. I was always honest about what I was looking for—and what I wasn’t. I treated the women with respect. Hell, I took a lot of them on dates. But I rarely saw a woman more than three times. Three seemed to be the magic number where most started to think they could be the one to change my ways. And I was not down for that.

  Walker glanced back at the guest house as he guided his truck down the drive, the leather of the steering wheel squeaking as he tightened his hold. “I’m worried about her.”

  I ran a hand through my hair, giving the ends a swift tug. “Me, too.” And it wasn’t just the circles rimming Jensen’s eyes, it was the dullness within them. The amber used to glow and dance with mischief, burn with wildfire. Now, they had no life in them at all.

  “She won’t talk to anyone. Not even Taylor has been able to get through to her.”

  I looked up at the rearview mirror and saw Jensen corralling Noah into her SUV. “Taylor makes her feel guilty. You make her feel guilty. Hell, your whole family probably makes her feel guilty.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I continued watching Jensen through the mirror. “You got shot. Taylor almost died. Your family nearly lost you. She blames herself for bringing Bryce into all of your lives.”

  Walker’s jaw worked. “That’s bullshit. We all knew Bryce for years. None of us had any clue. The pain he caused is Bryce’s fault alone.”

  “I know that. You know that. The whole town knows it. But J doesn’t believe it.”

  Walker switched on his blinker and turned towards town. “How do I get her to believe it?”

  That was a question I’d asked myself a million times. I hated how powerless I felt to help her. For as long as I could remember, I’d always been able to make things better for Jensen, but everything I’d tried recently just seemed to piss her off. I wanted to help, but I also wanted my friend back. “I’m not sure.” But I sure as hell planned to keep trying.

  Silence overtook the cab as we wound through the country roads. Ranches and rolling hills gradually gave way to smaller homes and flat, paved surfaces. Walker slowed for a stop sign.

  My entire body locked up at the sight of a figure exiting a house on the corner.

  Bastard. It wasn’t enough to be a cheater. Apparently, he wasn’t even going home anymore. Wasn’t even making an attempt to hide his
indiscretions.

  “Isn’t that your dad?” Walker’s voice held a puzzled curiosity.

  I cleared my throat, forcing levity into my tone. “Yeah, my mom mentioned he was going to help a friend of hers with a leaky sink this morning.”

  “That’s nice of him.”

  I let out a snort of derision. “That’s Craig Harris, nicest guy around.”

  Walker stole a sidelong glance at me before accelerating through the stop. “Tuck…”

  “It’s fine.” It damn well wasn’t, and we both knew it. Walker just didn’t know why I seemed to hate my father so much. “You’re just like me, Tuck. Two peas in a pod.” I refused to let myself become the man my dad was, forcing his son to lie for him, treating his wife like garbage.

  My mom had done her best to cover for him. She made excuses, tried to hide her worry, but she didn’t know the depth of his betrayal. She thought he abandoned her most nights for the bottle. I knew the truth. His real drug was women.

  At least growing up, he’d fished outside of Sutter Lake waters, but lately, he’d been getting bolder. And I knew that my mother would find out eventually. And it would kill her. A woman who had wanted nothing but to build a family with my father. To make him happy. And this was how he repaid her?

  Craig Harris’s blood ran through my veins, but I would never let myself become him. I would never leave a wife and child at home waiting for me, because there would never be a wife and child to begin with. I rubbed my sternum, trying to alleviate the phantom feeling in my chest.

  My life was full. I was happy. I had a job that I loved. People in my life who loved me. And I never hurt for female company. It might not be a typical life, but it worked for me. I was fine.

  3

  Jensen

  The bell over the door to the Kettle sounded as a blast of cold air shot through my warm and cozy space.

  “Hi, baby girl. How’s your day treatin’ you?”

  I took in my mom, her dark brown hair swept up in a bun that somehow managed to look both casual and elegant. Just like the rest of her. The sight of her put-together outfit and expertly applied makeup had me brushing crumbs off my rumpled shirt. “Hi, Mom.”

  She gave me the patented, assessing Sarah Cole stare. The same look she’d been giving me for months. “Why don’t you let me cover the full shift tomorrow? You can take a day off.”

  “I don’t need a day off.” My words came out more harshly than I’d intended. I grimaced as hurt filled my mom’s eyes. I gentled my tone. “There’s too much I need to get done around here. You’re already helping enough by covering these two hours so I can go take care of the horses.” I had enough guilt for how much my family stepped in to handle my responsibilities. I didn’t need any more.

  “I wish you’d let your father delegate one of the hands to help you with all of that.”

  I pushed down the instinct to snap at her again. “I don’t need the help. I like doing it.” Aside from my son, my rescued mustangs were the brightest part of my day. And I wasn’t giving that up for anyone.

  My mom rounded the counter, brushing back strands of hair that had escaped my ponytail over the course of the day. “I know you like being with your herd, but you have to stop taking everything on yourself. You look dead on your feet.”

  “Why does everyone feel the need to tell me I look like shit lately?” I couldn’t hold in the snap of my words this time.

  My mom gave a little jolt. “Jensen.” The single word was half chastisement, half concern.

  My shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been sleeping very well, and it’s got my fuse a bit shorter than usual.”

  My mother’s eyes narrowed in an even more careful study of my face. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in here.” She tapped the side of my head. “And, more importantly, in here.” She placed her palm on my chest over my heart.

  My mouth opened. I wanted to tell her. I craved dissolving into tears, laying all my burdens at her feet, and letting her tell me it would all be okay. My mouth snapped closed. I couldn’t. It was time I shouldered more of my own load. Stood on my own two feet.

  My mom’s face fell. She pulled me to her, wrapping her arms tightly around me. “I know this whole thing with Bryce is killing you. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

  A burning sensation scorched the back of my throat, but I fought the tears and nodded against her shoulder. “I love you.”

  “More than words, baby girl. More than words.”

  I let myself crumple to the ground, leaning against the boulder. Work was done. The horses were fed. I had an hour before I had to be home to make dinner for Noah. This was my time to fall apart. To let out all that I’d held in for the other twenty-three hours of the day.

  The tears that came were hot. Full of frustration and exhaustion, not sorrow. Sorrow was never part of the equation. What I’d lost had never been real to begin with. What those around me had almost lost was so much more. I’d have given anything to protect them from the destruction my careless decisions had nearly caused, but I couldn’t. It was too late. Now, all I could do was move forward, carrying more of my own weight.

  A warm muzzle nuzzled the top of my head. I tilted my face to meet the horse’s dark, probing gaze. “Hey there, Phoenix. You not hungry?”

  The mare huffed and pressed her face against mine. This trust and intimacy had taken a long time to build. Of all the wild mustangs I’d rescued from auctions and holding pens, Phoenix had been the most damaged.

  I rubbed my hands along her neck and down her side, my fingers lingering on a scar there. She’d been taken down by either a stray bullet or a careless hunter. Someone who hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out who he’d almost killed.

  But God or the Universe had been looking out for Phoenix that day because Tuck had heard the shot and had gone to investigate. He’d saved her life. The recovery had been long, and there was no way Phoenix could’ve been released into the wild afterwards. So, she’d found a home with me.

  I’d taken a portion of the land my parents had gifted me and created a safe haven for mustangs who had been ripped from their homes for one reason or another. Sometimes, the cause was humane, they were injured or ill. Sometimes, it was sheer greed, the desire for more land for cattle to graze. Regardless of the why, I gave them a safe place to rest. And the horses gave me somewhere to be totally myself.

  I patted Phoenix’s shoulder. “I’ll be okay. I promise. I’m getting stronger every day.” The mare blew air out between her lips as if to say “bullshit.” Okay, maybe I wasn’t stronger yet, but I’d get there eventually. I had to, right?

  4

  Tuck

  “Hey, Mom, you here?” My voice echoed off the high-beamed ceiling of the massive ranch house. It had been upgraded and expanded over the generations but still held so much history. And you couldn’t beat the view. The panoramic windows that filled the entirety of the back of the house displayed rolling pastures, dark green forests, craggy mountains, and even a glimpse of the lake our town had been named for.

  Heat filled my gut, along with frustration that I couldn’t come here more often. And a good dose of anger that someone had stolen the magic of my family home. I turned at the sound of approaching footsteps.

  “Tuck, I didn’t know you were coming by.” My mother smoothed back her blond hair that had begun to show threads of silver running through it. She looked exhausted. My father’s nights out weren’t exactly rare, but even with his excuses of staying the night in town so he wouldn’t have to drive, they still took a toll on my mom.

  I worked my jaw back and forth, trying to keep the frustration off my face. “How are you?”

  She reached up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. “I’m good, honey, busy as ever. Why don’t you come on into the kitchen and have some of the cookies I just pulled out of the oven?”

  I patted my stomach. “That sounds perfect.”

  My mom led the way through the open-plan living space tha
t poured into a bright and airy kitchen. “You don’t have work today?”

  I settled myself on a stool at the counter. “We had SWAT team training this morning, so I thought I’d swing by after I had lunch with Walker.”

  A gentle smile tipped her lips. “How is Walker?”

  “He’s good. Nothing but trouble, as usual.”

  My mom shook her head. “It seems to me trouble abounded whenever the two of you got together.”

  “Must have been his bad influence. You know I’m an angel.”

  She laughed. “You’ll always be perfect in my eyes, but I have no illusions that they’ll be nominating you for sainthood anytime soon.”

  I clutched my heart in mock affront. “How can you wound me so?”

  My mom pushed a plate of cookies across the marble counter. “I love you just as you are, trouble and all. So, how are Taylor and Walker doing? Should I be thinking about wedding gifts anytime soon?”

  I’d taken a bite of my cookie and promptly began choking. My mom filled a glass with water and handed it to me. “You okay?”

  I swallowed a mouthful, clearing my throat. “Yeah, sorry, wrong pipe. I don’t think there are any wedding bells in their future anytime soon. At least not that Walker’s said to me.”

  A little twinkle sparked in my mom’s eye. “I don’t know. He’s head over heels for that girl, and she’s a keeper. If he has a lick of sense, he’ll lock that one down.”

  I guess she had a point. I knew that Taylor was the one for Walker, had known it from the moment he’d mentioned the new tenant at his family’s guest cabin. I just hadn’t thought things would move this quickly. Life would look differently when everyone around me started to settle down.

  My mom poured some coffee into a mug. “What about you?”

  “What about me, what?”