Beautifully Broken Spirit

by Catherine Cowles

  Which was why I currently wandered by all the shops in town, searching for…I didn’t know what. Something that would bring a smile to Jensen’s face. Something that would make her laugh. Fuck, I have no idea what I’m doing. This is a bad fucking idea.

  I turned on a dime, about to head back to my truck, but I nearly crashed into Taylor as I did. I grabbed her shoulders to steady her. “Sorry about that, gorgeous.”

  She pushed her blond locks away from her face. “Glad you have quicker reflexes than me, or I would’ve landed on my ass.”

  I chuckled. “I got your back.” I released her and took a step back. “So, how’s it feel to be the future Mrs. Cole?”

  The smile that graced her face could’ve lit an entire room. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.”

  “I’m so glad you guys found each other.”

  Taylor reached out and squeezed my arm. “Thank you. So, what’re you up to?”

  Heat crept up the back of my neck. “Well, I…uh…”

  Taylor’s brow knitted as she studied me. I didn’t want to tell her, but at the same time, maybe she was exactly what I needed. “I wanted to get something for Jensen. She’s been so stressed lately. I just wanted to do something nice for her. But I don’t know shit about all this girlie stuff.”

  Taylor’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Want some shopping assistance?”

  “That would be great.”

  Taylor linked her arm through mine. “Follow me. I know exactly what we need.” Taylor pulled me down the street at a speed that was shocking for someone so tiny. “I’m worried about her, Tuck.”

  “Me, too. And I’m not sure what to do. She won’t let anyone help shoulder the load. Won’t talk to me like she used to.”

  Taylor slowed her pace and looked up at me. “I love how close you two are. I guess it comes from basically growing up together, huh?”

  I chose my words carefully. “I’ve known her since she was born. I’ve always looked out for her.”

  Taylor stopped moving altogether, releasing her hold on my arm. “I feel like it’s more than that.”

  I swallowed against my suddenly dry throat. “We’ve just always been able to talk about the tough stuff, you know? Were able to show each other all the pieces of ourselves, even the ugliest parts.” I ran a hand through my hair roughly. “But now, she’s hiding from me. From everyone.” I hadn’t realized how much that pissed me off until I said the words. Like Jensen had stolen something that I needed to breathe.

  “Tuck.” Taylor reached out and grasped my forearm. “She’ll come back to us. We just have to be patient. Show her that we’re here for her, that we see she’s hurting, and let her know we’re not leaving her to deal with it alone.”

  I nodded. “Any ideas for a present that will say all that?”

  Taylor let out a laugh. “I’ve got you covered.”

  I held two bags stuffed with tissue paper and a variety of items. Maybe this was a bad idea. I could always climb back into my truck and head home. I heard a scream from inside Jensen’s guest house. My body jolted forward.

  Just as I pushed open the door, Jensen’s voice, louder than I’d ever heard it, filled the space. “Noah Nolan Cole, you go to your room right now. You’re in time out until I tell you otherwise.”

  Noah’s face, red and blotchy, scrunched up. “I hate you!” He stormed past me and up the stairs.

  Jensen’s gaze followed him, catching on me. The hurt, pain, and exhaustion that filled her face were quickly replaced with irritation. “You don’t even knock anymore? You just let yourself in now?”

  “Whoa. I was outside and heard screaming. I just reacted.”

  “Well, maybe pause to knock next time.”

  I would’ve been annoyed at Jensen’s tone, but I could see tears glittering in her eyes. “I’ll try to remember to knock before barging in to save the day next time. But it really does kind of put a damper on the whole hero vibe I was trying for.”

  She let out a small laugh and wiped under her eyes. “Hero, breaker and enterer, same difference.”

  I grinned. “Brat.”

  “Behemoth.”

  I held up the bags, feeling like a total idiot. “I brought you something.”

  Jensen eyed the packages. “Is something going to jump out and bite me?”

  She wasn’t totally out of place to ask. Walker and I had played more than one prank on her growing up. “There’s only one way to find out.” I held out the bags.

  Jensen shook her head and gestured with her hands to her shirt covered with splatters of food. “Let me clean up real quick.” Her eyes flicked to a plate of food that now lay scattered across the floor and then to the stairs, her cheeks reddening. “Sorry about that. I told Noah I couldn’t take him to this karate tournament he wants to watch next week, and he wasn’t too happy about it.”

  I took a step forward, fisting my hands around the handle of the bags. The desire to pull Jensen into my arms was so strong. “He didn’t mean it.”

  She let out a sniff. “I know.” Crashing and banging sounded from upstairs. “Shit. I’d better go up there.”

  I set the bags on the table. “Let me?”

  Jensen paused for a moment and then nodded. “Good luck.”

  I jogged up the stairs and headed for Noah’s room. Pushing open the door, destruction greeted me. Toys, books, and stuffed animals littered the floor. “What’s going on, little man?”

  Noah glowered at me and threw himself on his bed. “I hate her.”

  I eased down onto the mattress. “That’s a pretty ugly word, bud. I’d say the ugliest.”

  “She’s ruining my life.” The words were muffled since his face was shoved into a pillow. “All my friends are going to the tournament. Their moms can take them, why can’t mine?”

  My chest tightened. “I’m guessing your mom has to work?”

  Noah slammed his little fist against the bed. “Yeah. I hate the freaking Kettle, too!”

  I leaned back against the wall. “It sucks that you can’t go to the tournament. There’s no way around that.”

  “Yeah.”

  I pushed on. “But don’t you think your mom wants you to go?”

  Noah turned his head so that he could see me. I could read in his expression that he hadn’t thought of that. “I don’t know.”

  “Your mom loves you so much. And she wants all the good things for you. But to be able to give you all those things, she has to work.” I paused for a moment, unsure what I was about to say. But Noah was getting older, and he needed to hear it. “When you have one parent instead of two, they have to work twice as hard to give you all the good.”

  Guilt flashed across Noah’s expression. “I didn’t think about that.”

  I reached over and patted his back. “That’s okay. We all have times when we don’t think about others as much as we should. All we can do is learn from it and try to do better. Think you can do that?” Noah nodded. “Why don’t you pick up your room and then come downstairs and apologize to your mom?”

  Noah’s head bobbed up and down again. “Maybe I should make her an I’m-sorry card.”

  I bit back a grin. “I think that’s a great idea. But clean this mess up first, okay?”

  “’Kay, Tuck.”

  “Good man.”

  That brought a small smile to Noah’s face, and he got to work. I headed down the stairs. As I rounded the corner to the kitchen, I froze. Jensen sat on the floor, the contents of the two gift bags strewn around her. In one hand, she held the bottle of wine, and in the other, chocolate.

  She looked up at the sound of my footsteps. “You got me the good stuff.”

  I grinned. “Taylor might’ve helped.”

  “Sorry I was such a raging bitch when you barged in.”

  I lowered myself to the floor next to her. “You’re entitled to a few raging-bitch moments. We’ll call them a mom write-off.”

  Jensen took a sip of the wine
straight from the bottle, then pointed at some of the contents of the second bag, a mischievous smile stretching her mouth. “You got me girlie stuff. Bubble bath. Body oil. Face masks. I’m impressed, Harris.”

  That familiar heat crept up my neck. “Taylor picked it out.”

  She bumped her shoulder with mine. “Thank you. I needed this more than I can say.” She took another sip of wine and then handed the bottle to me.

  I took a swig. It wasn’t bad. For wine. “You know, all you have to do is ask for help. I would’ve been happy to take Noah to the tournament next weekend. And I know the rest of your family would have, too.”

  Jensen grabbed the bottle back so forcefully, wine splashed onto the floor. “I need to take care of Noah by myself.” The mask that she had mastered over the past year, the one that I fucking hated, slipped into place.

  A muscle in my cheek ticked. “Why?”

  She stared straight ahead, her eyes fixed on some point I couldn’t see. “I need to be able to do this on my own because that’s the life I’ve chosen for myself. I need to learn how to handle it.”

  I forced my jaw to relax. “You’re not alone.”

  Jensen turned to face me. “I am. And that’s the way it has to be. I’m not opening myself up to that ever again.”

  I got it more than she would ever know. The choice to be alone. It was the last thing I wanted for her, but I got it. Still, I tried to talk her around. “You just need time. You’ll find the right person.”

  Jensen took another pull of the wine. “I won’t. Not if I’m not looking.”

  My back molars ground together. “Choosing to close yourself off from a shot at love isn’t the answer for you—”

  Jensen’s gaze turned hot. “Oh, should I fuck half the state of Oregon instead?”

  Her words cut deeper than they should’ve. I pushed on anyway. “But if you do choose that, it doesn’t mean you have to live your life in isolation. You can still have help. Families, support systems, they don’t always have to look the same.”

  I held her gaze, willing her to read between the lines. She knew. She understood better than anyone else the family I had created for myself when my own had been too fucked up for me to stand for long.

  Jensen’s gaze softened, and then the tension seeped from her body as she leaned into me. My arm naturally curved around her. “I don’t know what the answer is. How to find the balance between being strong enough to stand on my own two feet and not shutting everyone out.” Her voice hitched. “I’m so tired of being a burden.”

  I felt a tearing sensation in my chest. “You are not a burden.” I held her tighter against me. “Not. Fucking. Ever.”

  “I feel like all I do is take. And I have nothing to give back.”

  I rested my chin on the top of her head. The familiar scent of jasmine and hints of tea from her shift at the Kettle filled my senses. “The only time you don’t give back is when you hide yourself away from everyone who loves you. I’ve missed my friend.”

  Jensen burrowed her face in my chest. “I’m sorry.” Her shoulders began to shake. “I just—I’ve put my family, so many people I love, through too much.”

  I couldn’t take this anymore. We needed to have a come to Jesus talk, and I didn’t give one shit that she hadn’t wanted to talk about the elephant in the room for the past year. “Jensen. I need you to hear me. What happened with Bryce wasn’t your fault.”

  She began crying harder. “It was.”

  “How?”

  Her words came out on hiccupped sobs. “I’m the one who gave him the gate code to the ranch. If I hadn’t, he’d wouldn’t have been able to take Taylor.” Was this what she’d been carrying around so much guilt over? A damn gate code?

  Jensen lifted her head, and her eyes held a ravaged pain I’d never seen in them before, one that socked me right in the gut. “Did you know she has scars? Ones that will never go away. Taylor has to live with the reminder of what that monster did to her every single day. And I let that happen. Because I trusted him.”

  I cupped Jensen’s cheek. “Listen to me. Bryce would’ve found a way regardless. It wouldn’t have mattered if Taylor were locked behind the walls of Fort Knox. He was determined and fucking crazy. The only one to blame is him.”

  Her gaze held mine. “I wish I could believe that.”

  I sighed, pulling her to me. “Is this why you’ve been pushing everyone away?”

  Jensen’s breath hiccupped. “I feel so damn guilty. And sometimes being around everyone just makes me feel worse.”

  I brushed my lips against the top of her head. “You have to forgive yourself, J. No one blames you. We just miss you.”

  Jensen’s body began to shake again. “I’m sorry. I’ve missed you, too.”

  “It’s okay. Just don’t disappear on me again.” I gave her arm three quick squeezes. “Promise?”

  “I’ll try.”

  It was all I could ask for.

  8

  Jensen

  My SUV bumped over the dirt road, but my heart only got lighter the closer I got. I was doing my best to take Tuck’s advice. Just because I didn’t want a romantic partner didn’t mean I was alone in life. I still wanted to stand on my own two feet, but part of that meant knowing when to ask for help. So, I was taking the afternoon off and going to my favorite place.

  I rounded a curve in the road and spotted the pull-off I was looking for. I angled my vehicle off the lane and parked. Grabbing my pack from the passenger seat, I hopped out. I took a moment to close my eyes and inhale deeply, tipping my face up to the sun. The scents of pine and crisp early winter air mixed in an aroma that somehow managed to be both calming and invigorating.

  This was just what I needed. An afternoon away from daily tasks and responsibilities. Nothing but me, nature, and hopefully, some time with my mustangs. I slung my pack over my shoulders and tightened the straps. The trail I headed down was off the beaten path, one Tuck had shown me in high school. It wove up a ridge and then down into the meadow that was one of the horses’ favorite grazing grounds.

  I struck off. Within ten minutes, the tension was already seeping out of my muscles. I wound my way up the incline, nothing but the sounds of birds chirping and critters scurrying in the underbrush keeping me company.

  We were headed into the winter months, but there was no sign of snow, and the sun shone so brightly you would’ve thought it was the dead of summer. As I crested the ridgeline, a smile stretched my face. This place was magic. The rocky range dotted with trees dipped down onto what looked like a sea of golden grasses before rising up again into a series of mountaintops.

  My gaze scanned the meadow. No sign of my mustang friends yet. I’d hike down and see what I could find in the forests that surrounded the grasses. I started down the ridge, but my step faltered. What was that? A dark form lay just off the path about one hundred yards ahead.

  My heart dropped to my stomach, and I started to run. Rocks and dirt sprayed as I flew down the path. I lost my footing, my palms catching the worst of my fall. I scrambled to my feet and kept right on going.

  I skidded to a halt, my heart hammering in my chest. Please no, please no, please no. I stepped off the path. Crouched. Placed my hand on the coat beginning to grow shaggy for the winter. I closed my eyes against the pain. Too cold. Too still. The mare was gone.

  I blinked against the tears gathering in my eyes. Tears that turned hot with anger when I took in more of the horse in front of me. There, in the mare’s chest, was a gaping bullet wound. My breaths came quicker as my head jerked in every direction, as though the murderer might still be lurking.

  I wrenched my pack from my back, frantically searching for my phone. I held it up. No service. I looked from the fallen mare to the top of the ridge and back. I had to leave her so I could call someone. I knew she was gone from this Earth, but it still tore at my heart to leave her alone. “I’ll be back,” I whispered.

  I climbed as quickly as possible, my leg muscles burning by the
time I reached the top. Two bars of service. I didn’t hesitate. I hit Tuck’s name on my list of favorite contacts.

  Two rings later, his roughened voice came across the line. “Hey, Little J.”

  “I need you to come to the ridge at Pine Meadow. The place we always go.”

  Tuck’s tone was suddenly alert. “What’s wrong?”

  I swallowed against the pain creeping up my throat. “I found a mare. She was shot, Tuck. She’s gone.”

  “Fuck! How recent?” I could hear him slam a drawer closed.

  “It’s been less than a day, no scavengers have been at her, but she’s not warm either.” I stared down at the beautiful creature whose life had been stolen from her.

  “Hike back to your car right now. I’m on my way.” An engine turned over in the background.

  “I’m not leaving her.”

  “Dammit, Jensen. The hunter could still be around. What if he mistakes you for an elk?”

  I dug my nails into my already tender palms. “Whoever did this is long gone, Tuck. I’m not leaving.”

  I heard a muttered curse and something that sounded like “stubborn woman.”

  “I’m about thirty minutes out. Be careful.”

  “I’ll see you soon.” I hit end and headed back down the path. I settled myself on the ground next to the mare. “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” I closed my eyes and sent up a prayer. My relationship with God was a complicated one, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask that He welcome her home with open arms. It didn’t hurt to ask for protection for the rest of my precious mustangs, either.

  I hugged my knees to my chest and let time pass. I didn’t know how long it took before I heard Tuck calling, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer him audibly. I simply stood and raised my hand in a wave. He jogged down the path towards me, athletic and agile, unlike my bumbling attempt.

  When Tuck reached me, he tugged me to him with a ferocity that stole my breath. “Are you okay?” He pulled back, grasping onto my shoulders, his gaze tracking over my face.

  “I’m fine.” I could hear the lie in my voice, and I knew Tuck could, too.