Let Me Love You: A Novel

by Praks, Wanitta

  “I’m sorry, Ivy. I’m sorry.” I hug her close, holding her tight as she cries in my arms.

  What am I doing? Why am I constantly finding myself forcing myself onto her? I love her. I should treat her with respect.

  After a period of emotion, her tears die down and she shifts against my arm, breaking herself free. I let her go. She turns her back to me and starts putting her things away in her backpack.

  “Ivy,” I lean in, wanting to touch her. “Are you leaving?”

  “Don’t touch me again, Zac,” she says, her icy tone firing back at me. “That was the last time you can touch me.” Ivy turns back to resume her packing.

  She picks up a craft knife and starts packing it away too. I lean in again, wanting to stop her, but in the next second, I feel a sharp pain running across the palm of my hand all the way to the tips of my fingers. I can’t register what happened. I pull my hand back like lightning and stare at it.

  Shit. My hand. It’s bleeding. I glance at the craft knife in Ivy’s hand. There’s blood on it. My blood. Ivy cut my hand.

  I look up at Ivy. She’s paralyzed. Her face is pale, her eyes wide open. A look of horror washes over her pale complexion as her eyes stares fixatedly on my bloodied hand. Her hand trembles as she takes in the sight.

  Oh God. Ivy. Ivy. She’s scared.

  “It’s okay, Ivy. I’m okay.” I reassure her, stepping closer to her.

  I’m seriously not okay. I’m feeling dizzy already. Oh shit. I think I’m going to faint. I can feel a dull throb where the blood is oozing out. Why is there so much blood? When is my blood going to stop gushing out? Shit. There’s blood everywhere, even on the floor. I hope Mrs. McIntosh isn’t going to go berserk when she sees her newly lined floor being painted with blood.

  I hate the sight of blood anywhere on my body. I feel sick looking at it. Just the sight of it sends an unpleasant taste in my mouth and a queasy feeling in my stomach. But more than anything, I dislike the color of it. A very ugly red color that stains anything and everything.

  “Grab me a towel, Ivy, please, anything to stop this blood,” I instruct her.

  Ivy is so shocked to see blood on my hands and the floor that she doesn’t respond. Her face grows paler, and her lips start trembling. She shakes her head and her breathing quickens.

  “Ivy, Ivy,” I keep calling her name. “I’m okay. Don’t be scared. See. I’m fine,” I tell her again, laying my hand out for her to see.

  Big mistake. She heaves even more. Her breath coming out even faster and faster.

  Shit. Ivy has a fear of blood.

  Suddenly, out of the blue, I hear a screech. I turn to the door where the sound is coming from and there is Ashley running towards me.

  “Ah. My God, Zac, your hand’s bleeding,” Ashley screams. “Zac, are you okay? Someone grab a tissue. Zac’s hand is bleeding.” Then Ashley turns to face Ivy.

  “You! Go and get a tissue. Zac’s hand is bleeding. Get a tissue quick.” And then Ashley sees the craft knife dripping with blood in Ivy’s hand. Ashley gives out another scream. “Ivy, you stupid girl. What did you do to Zac?”

  “I… I… cut his hand,” Ivy stutters out, her eyes flicking at my pained face, then back to Ashley’s.

  Ashley opens her eyes wide in shock when she hears Ivy say this.

  “You stupid girl. Why did you do that?” Ashley starts screaming at Ivy. “He needs that hand to play the guitar. Do you know what will happen now?”

  I grow mad. What’s Ashley’s problem? Why is she yelling so much? Her screaming only makes my head hurt even more. I want to tell Ashley to stop her yelling, but I’m still feeling that dizziness in my head.

  “He won’t be able to perform at prom night.” Ashley continues with her berating. “He won’t be able to play the guitar anymore. He needs that hand to play. You just ruined his life. How could you do this? You’re so cruel.”

  That’s the last straw. I shout at Ashley, “Stop yelling at Ivy. It’s not her fault. I accidently cut myself. Don’t blame it on her.”

  “But, Zac, she cut your hand. She said so herself.”

  “I just told you I cut it myself. Ivy has nothing to do with it.”

  Ashley is boiling with rage. Her face blows up like a puffer fish and she’s seething under her breath. Instead of yelling back at me, she redirects her anger at Ivy instead.

  “It’s all your fault. You made Zac mad at me.”

  Ivy seems to have woken up from her paralyzed state and drops the knife. She springs forward, passing Ashley, and comes to my side, clinging to my arm.

  “Zac, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  I want to tell her I’m fine; she doesn’t need to worry about me. My hand isn’t important right now. What’s more important is her, Ivy, my Ivy. But Ashley comes in before me and shoves Ivy to the side.

  “Get out. You’ve caused Zac enough pain already.”

  “But… I… I cut Zac’s hand. I’ve got to help him,” Ivy says again, coming to my side.

  “You’ve helped him far enough,” Ashley says, trying to shove Ivy off to the side again, but Ivy clings to my arm, preventing Ashley from pulling her to the side.

  “But I cut Zac’s hand,” she keeps on saying. “I have to help him.” Then turning to me, she says, her eyes almost breaking out in tears again, “Does it hurt, Zac? Are you in pain?”

  I smile. Even though right now the situation is dead serious and no one seems to care that my blood is dripping onto the floor, I still smile at her.

  “I’m fine, Ivy. I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

  “Put your hand under running water. I’ll get you some tissue.” Ivy tells me. But Ashley is already shoving her to the side again and takes her place next to me.

  “What are you still doing here? Get out. Zac doesn’t need you. He has me now. He doesn’t need you anymore,” Ashley screeches at Ivy. I can feel her claws on my arm where Ivy’s soft paws were once before.

  I want to rebuke Ashley’s claim. I turn to Ivy, telling her with my eyes that I need her and want her.

  Ivy, please help me. Please hold my hand. Please wrap the tissue around me. I want you to look after me. I don’t want anyone else but you. Please help me.

  I want to tell her all this, but all she does is look at me, her eyes growing large with fear and something else.

  I grit my teeth and want to bite Ashley’s head off. What is Ashley doing interfering in our relationship?

  “He’s already got me. I can help him. So get out.” Ashley continues screaming her lungs out at Ivy.

  “That’s enough, Ashley. You’re the one I don’t need. You’re the one who should get out.”

  “Zac!” she screams at me, drumming her feet. Then she turns on Ivy again and lunges at her.

  “It’s all your fault. Your bloody fault. That’s why Zac’s speaking to me like this,” she screams out again.

  Ivy can’t do anything in her distressed state but just let herself be shouted at.

  “Stop shouting at Ivy,” I shout at Ashley. “If you continue to act like a stupid girl, then I won’t consider you my friend.”

  “Zac.” Ashley’s lip wobbles.

  I’m about to turn to Ivy to tell her that everything is fine and that Ashley won’t interfere with our talk anymore, but Ivy’s already running out the door.

  “Ivy, Ivy.” I grab a random cloth from somewhere, wrap it around my bloodied hand, and am about to make a run after her when I get pulled back by Ashley.

  “Zac, you can’t go. You have to stop your bleeding hand first.”

  “I’m not going to die from a bleeding hand, Ashley,” I yell at her. “Stop fussing over me.”

  Ashley’s lips quiver again and tears spring from her eyes. “You’re so mean, Zac.” Then she races out of the art room.

  Good grief.

  I’m so mad with Ashley that I can feel my own blood pulsing through my veins. But more than anything, I’m worried about Ivy’s welfare. All I can see in my mind’s eye is
Ivy’s scared, pale face as she saw my bleeding hand.

  “Don’t worry, Ivy. I’m going to be fine.” I keep telling myself this as I run outside with my bloodied hand wrapped in a towel, looking for her.

  Over and over, I call out her name, while random students come up to me and urge me to go to the infirmary to get my hand looked at. I ignore them and keep on calling out Ivy’s name. I search the whole school for her, but she’s nowhere to be found.

  The bus stop. She must be waiting for the bus.

  I race to the bus stop at the front of the school gate. My heart’s working extra hard, pumping out blood to accelerate my limbs, allowing me to travel faster, getting me to the bus stop faster, before the bus leaves. But along with it also is the negative effect of my bloodied hand. The blood’s seeping out even more from my hand onto the towel, staining it into an ugly dark red. But at that moment, though, I don’t care. All I want is to talk to Ivy, to check her welfare, to ask if she’s okay.

  Unfortunately, my arrival is badly timed, because by the time I get to the bus stop, the bus has already left, taking Ivy away from me.

  I can only do one thing. I drop down and cry.

  Chapter 21

  IVY

  Because I Love Only You

  “He’s already got me. I can help him. So get out,” Ashley screams at me.

  That’s all I hear. That’s what makes me rush out of the art room and go to hide at this little spot near the back of the art class, crying my eyes out.

  Oh God. I’m so pathetic. I want Zac to get out of my life, to cut our ties of friendship, but here I am, crying my heart out because Ashley said he doesn’t need me anymore.

  I know why I’m like this. It’s because I love him. I love Zac. I knew from the very moment he came and embraced me from behind. I didn’t push him away. I continued to let him kiss me, on my hair, on my shoulder, on my earlobe, my chin, my jawline, and finally on my lips. I didn’t put up any resistance. All I did was uttered a no, a refusal once in a while, but otherwise, I was his to take.

  I was lost in this fantasy world of love until I saw his emerald-green eyes. It awakened me from the fog, and that was when I pushed him away. But then, again and again, I fell into his sweet honey trap and let him embrace me, again and again, until I had to will myself to let him go.

  When I saw his bloodied hand, the hand that I accidently cut when he came near me, wanting to touch me again, I froze. The image from that accident from five years ago crawled back into my mind and I was once again back at the scene.

  Blood was everywhere around me, covering my head and on my hands. Not until Ashley yelled at me did I come out of that nightmare. But now here I am, my body shaking, crying to myself because I did in fact lose a friend, a good friend and the boy who stole my heart.

  With daylight savings in the Southern Hemisphere, around five o’clock the sky is already turning dark. I’ve been crying for almost an hour now. I get up from my position and find my knees are weak. But I persist and get up again, waking slowly.

  The bus has already left by the time I get to the front gate. I have to wait for another hour and a half before another bus arrives. Instead, I walk home.

  By the time I get home, the whole family is alarmed. I didn’t turn on my cell phone, so they couldn’t get through.

  I tell them I had some important things to do at school, that’s why I was late in coming home. Gigi and Clare are satisfied with my answer, and after I kiss Moon good night, I go straight to bed. But I’m not given any peace when Clare comes into my room and brings me dinner.

  “What’s wrong, Ivy?” Clare asks.

  I don’t reply, just turn the other way, closing my eyes and pretending to sleep. Clare comes and pats my hair.

  “Did you have a fight?”

  I still don’t respond. I don’t want to talk about the event that transpired today. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Maybe sleep like Juliet. Sleep until my Romeo, my Zac, comes and kisses me and then we’ll live happily after ever. Unlike the real story, when Zac kisses me on the lips, I will wake up and then he will take me away in his battered old car, and we can disappear somewhere together, forgetting about everything in this world, about the past accident, about Dillon, about everything that would cause me pain. If only I could.

  I turn to Clare, my eyes red raw.

  “Clare,” I say quietly, almost no sound coming through my lips. “I’m in love.”

  Clare smiles at me. “I know.”

  “I love him.”

  Clare nods her head again. “I know.”

  “But I told him I don’t want to be his friend anymore. And now he has someone else to look after him.”

  Clare pats my head again. “Love can be complicated,” she says, coming to sleep beside me in my bed. I shift a bit to let her in. “You know, when I was young, I fell in love with your brother.”

  “You told me that.”

  “Yes, I did. But I did the same thing you did. I was scared. I was scared of my own feelings, of why I was feeling so in love with this guy when I was only a young kid. I mean, come on, I was only sixteen, a year younger than you are now. But your stubborn brother was very persistent. He was a year ahead of me. He asked me out every day. For three years, he hung around me, annoying me. Not until the final year before he left to go to university did I cave in and go out with him. And now we’re so in love. Even when he’s gone, I still love him dearly.”

  Hearing Clare say this, a little pain pulls at my heartstrings.

  “What would happen if you saw Dillon again or any family member of Dillon?” I ask.

  Clare sighs heavily. “Let’s just say I want to forget about the past.”

  Clare’s explanation is quite vague. I’m sure what she means by that but don’t ask any further.

  A minute passes between us with no exchange of words. Then Clare speaks again. “What shall we do about your relationship with this boy you like?”

  “I don’t know,” I say.

  “At the end of the day, it’s up to you,” Clare advises me before getting up off my bed. “It’s your future, Ivy. It’s your happiness. Don’t let anyone come in the way of finding true happiness. Because I tell you, it can disappear right before your eyes. It’s only one single moment, one single opportunity, but when it’s gone, it’s very hard to find that happiness again. So grab it while you can.”

  That’s all Clare says and then she leaves my room.

  I have a lot to think about tonight. And I do think a lot that night, because by the next morning, I haven’t sleep a wink.

  I’m glad school is off today, though, because prom is tonight. School has given year thirteen, my year, and year twelve, Zac’s year, a day off to prepare for prom night. I stay in bed the whole day until Moon comes barging into my room, along with Mandy, at noon.

  “Get up. What are you doing in bed? We have to prepare for tonight. We’ve only got four hours.”

  I don’t want to get out of bed. I feel so tired, but Mandy urges me on. She even yells at me for not sleeping properly.

  I reluctantly roll out of bed and have lunch, feeling hollow and raw inside. Mandy raids my wardrobe when I say I don’t know what I’ll be wearing. Then she finds the blue dress Zac bought for me, hidden in the back of the wardrobe, the dress I swore I wouldn’t ever lay eyes on again.

  “Ivy, this dress is beautiful. Wear this one.”

  “No. I don’t want to wear that one,” I tell her but I can’t refuse as Mandy already pushes me into the bathroom. I get changed as slowly as possible.

  When Mandy see me, she exclaims that that dress suits me to perfection. She asks me where I got the dress from since it looks so expensive, but I tell a lie, saying Clare bought it for me for my birthday.

  “I didn’t know Clare had such good taste in prom dresses,” she exclaims, touching the round white and blue flowers on my dress. “You look beautiful, Ivy. I saw that lace scarf in the wardrobe too. I thought it would look nice with the dress since it’s the
same color. I hung it on the hook near your mirror. Come down when you’re ready. I’m going to go downstairs now. Sam should be picking us up any minute.”

  When Mandy leaves, I look at myself in the mirror. Mandy is right. I do look beautiful. When Zac bought me this dress, he even bought a matching blue lace jacket so my wrists could be covered.

  My hair is styled in a chignon bun with my long fringe hanging loose to cover the scar on my forehead. Mandy is really good at hairstyling. When paired with the dress, it makes me look like a little blue angel descended from heaven.

  I shake my head, thinking of the same line as Zac when he saw me in the changing room. My eyes catch sight of the blue scarf Zac also bought for me. It’s hanging on the hook just as Mandy said.

  I walk towards it and feel the fabric between my fingers. It’s soft to touch, just like the first time I touched it. I look at the scarf a bit longer, then walk to the door. On second thought, my feet take me back to the scarf hanging on that hook.

  I tell myself I don’t need to wear that scarf. The weather is beautiful tonight, but my hand takes it without knowing and I find myself wearing the scarf as I approach the lounge.

  I stand next to the door, watching my family interact with Mandy and Sam. Moon is sitting on Mandy’s lap, whereas Sam is busy chatting with Clare and Gigi. When they see me, Sam comes up and says I look beautiful.

  Moon runs up to me and hugs me.

  “Vivi, you look beautiful.”

  I hug her back. “Thanks, Moon.” I kiss her on the cheek.

  “Where is Zacky?” Moon asks me, looking around the room, her question tearing at my heartstrings. When she doesn’t see Zac, she asks me, “Is he not here to pick you up? He promised to pick you up on prom night.”

  “When did he tell you this?” I ask Moon.

  “He told me himself when he came to visit us. On the day we played the airplane game. You were busy talking to Mommy.”

  I look to Clare, my eyes watering a little bit.

  Sam comes and crouches down right in front of Moon.