Let Me Love You: A Novel

by Praks, Wanitta

  “I’m going to be the gentleman who will look after your aunty tonight,” Sam says. “Do you give me permission to look after her?”

  “Oh,” Moon exclaims, then looks up at me, standing beside Sam. “I thought Zacky was going to pick you up. I want to see Zacky pick you up.”

  I crouch down next to Sam and take my niece’s hand. “Moon, Zacky is busy. He has to prepare for his performance. You know he’s in a band, right? He’s too busy to pick me up.”

  “Oh,” Moon exclaims again, looking sad.

  “It’s okay, Moon. I promise you I will take your aunty to see Zacky. Are you happy with that?”

  Moon finally relents, nodding. I turn to stare at Sam. Is he really going to take me to see Zac? Or is he just lying to Moon? I plan to ask him, but Mandy exclaims we should all head out now.

  I reluctantly say good-bye to Moon, Clare, and Gigi and start walking to the car. Sam asks me to sit in the front seat with him, but I shake my head, wanting to sit in the back instead.

  I have to compose myself. I’m about to see Zac again after I hurt his hand. Just this thought alone frightens me and makes me want to crawl back inside the house, but it’s already too late now. Sam is already lighting the ignition, and we’re already on our way to the town hall where the prom will be held.

  The ride to the town hall in Sam’s car is a smooth one. Mandy is her usual self, talking to Sam in the front seat, while I’m sitting in the backseat thinking about my past relationship with Zac. When we arrive, I get out and walk with Sam and Mandy to the front entrance. There will many students milling around outside.

  The wind picks up a bit. I huddle myself and pull the scarf around my neck, glad I brought it with me. We wait in line with our tickets, when out of the corner of my eyes I see Zac and his entourage walking in our direction. Ashley and Carina are holding on to either of his arms. Kai, Trey, and Loki are walking behind him, Stacy next to Kai.

  As they walk towards us, I pray to myself that Zac and his team will walk past. I pray that Zac will not see me, will not see the scarf and dress he bought for me now being used on my person. That wasn’t my intention when I brought the scarf with me tonight, nor the dress Mandy picked for me. I didn’t want him to notice I wore those items because of him.

  Or did I? I’m not sure anymore.

  I avert my gaze so it doesn’t land on Zac. I’m not ready to see him just yet. Even my heart isn’t prepared to face him. When I hear his footsteps approaching us, my heart won’t stop its thumping. Every footstep Zac takes, my heart synchronizes to his steps. Closer and closer, faster and faster, until they stop right in front of me.

  I look up and see Zac staring down at me. My heart almost stops altogether. My breath comes out in heavy fits while my eyes gloss over his image. I stare at him, taking in his handsome state.

  He looks so handsome. He’s wearing a formal suit with black pants and matching jacket, like the Phantom of the Opera. The blue shirt I bought him, he wears that too. The same blue that matches the color of my dress.

  He looks so striking that it takes my breath away. Yet, despite his honed appearance, there’s an air of melancholy around him.

  Zac in turn stares at me, surveying my form, taking in the blue dress and the blue scarf he bought for me. A small smile plays at the corners of his lips, which lightens the dull ache in my heart a bit.

  We both continue to stare at each other, like we’re both having our usual staring contest. And then I hear a scream from Ashley.

  “Zac, your hand is bleeding again. Anyone! Has anyone got a tissue?” Ashley screeches and flutters her arms about.

  Zac turns to Ashley and a look of annoyance crosses his face. Then he turns to me and says, “Ivy, I’m bleeding. Help me.”

  “What do you want me to do?” I ask quietly, willing my voice to come out strong and not be affected by his presence, yet it sounds so weak, even to my own ears.

  Zac gazes at me for a minute more, scanning my body, taking in my awkward posture, my nervous breath and shallow, hollow eyes because of my lack of sleep. Without my permission, he suddenly unwinds the blue scarf that I wear around my neck.

  “Wrap it around my hand. Stop the bleeding. Please.” He holds the scarf out to me and gives me a weak smile.

  I look up at him. His face looks so sad, so painful, as if he’s suffering from some unknown condition. I’ve never seen him looking so awful before. When he urges me again, I mutely nod and take the scarf from his hand and do his bidding.

  This is the least I can do for him. This is the least I can do for a friend, for the boy I love, who I will never, ever see again after I graduate this year.

  I can hear Ashley complaining, talking to herself about why she isn’t the one picked to do the job, while I’m busy wrapping my scarf around Zac’s bleeding finger.

  Did I really hurt him that badly? Why did I cut him like this? Although I know it was an accident, inside I can’t help feeling guilty, seeing him with that look on his face.

  When I complete my task, Zac gives me another one of his intensely painful stares and then whispers to me, close to my ear, “You look like an angel in that dress, Ivy. I’ll see you inside. I want to give you something.”

  Without explaining to me further what he means by that statement, Zac walks straight past me and goes into the town hall, along with his entourage. My breath shudders. What did Zac mean by wanting to give me something?

  There are lots of noises inside the hall when we walk in. A few upbeat songs play, and Sam asks me to dance, but I prefer to sit in this quiet corner, watching people. Sam asks Mandy instead. She’s only too willing to comply. They dance and laugh while I watch them.

  After some time, I feel I’m being watched. My eyes scan around the room, locating anyone that might looks suspicious. And then my heart leaps as a sudden thought comes to my mind.

  Maybe Zac is looking at me from somewhere. My eyes immediately scan the room, trying to locate that familiar figure in the black Phantom of the Opera outfit. But he’s nowhere to be found.

  My smile falters and drops. I think I’m going crazy. I think I’m getting paranoid. And when I realize this, I laugh at myself. How ridiculous and stupid I am to be thinking it would be Zac just because I felt a penetrating gaze on my person.

  Maybe he’s behind the stage, getting ready for their band performance.

  Tonight, it’s promised to be a grand night full of fun and entertainment. Apollo will be playing the many songs they composed, the many songs that were never released for us to hear. This would be the first time, and the anticipation among the crowd is high. I can hear whispers and excitement all around me.

  Mandy and Sam are already back from their dance, sitting next to me, talking nonstop at how much fun it is to dance instead of sitting brooding at one corner of the room like this. Then without warning, everything blacks out. We are in complete darkness. A little alarm shrills through me. I can hear people around me whispering to each other.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Are we having a blackout?”

  I can feel Mandy shaking my arm. “Ivy, are you there?”

  I’m about to respond to her when suddenly a single ray of light shines onstage, like a ray of light from heaven, shining onto that person who’s perched on a stool with a guitar in hand, highlighting him from the dim darkness around him.

  It’s Zac. He’s sitting on the stool, holding on to Elsa. A microphone is positioned in front of him. As if he knows where I’m sitting, he fixes his gaze on me and says, his mouth close to the microphone, “This song is dedicated to the girl I love. I want to give this song to her.”

  The lights turn back on and a soft glow illuminates the whole stage. With the finger that is bleeding, the finger that I used the scarf he gave me to wrap around that finger, he starts plucking on the strings of Elsa.

  It’s sweet torture on my soul. That single pluck created by Zac and Elsa turns into beautiful music. It carries a soulful and haunting beat, like the singe
r is lonely and crying for the one he loves.

  Who is Zac in love with? Is this song for her? My heart burns with this unanswered question. And then he starts singing.

  Since the day I first saw you,

  Since the day I kissed you,

  I know that I know that I’ve found you.

  I know that you’ll be my true love.

  My eyes cannot focus on anyone else but Zac. Who is he singing to? Since the day they’ve met? Since the day they’ve kissed?

  I find tears wetting my cheeks. I realize I’m crying. How did I not notice this? I wipe the tears off my cheeks and gaze at him again. My heart breaks as I listen to him singing.

  Zac is in love. He’s in love with a girl. And he’s singing this song to her. I’m jealous. I want to be that girl. I want to be that girl he’s singing that song to. When I realize this, I cry even more, silent tears trickling down my cheeks.

  God help me. I know I’m in love with Zac, but I didn’t know I would love him this much. I want to go back home and cry. I want to cry and drown myself in my tears. But I know I shouldn’t. Because Zac is in love.

  Even though our relationship is now dire, I know I still love him, will always continue to see him as the person I love. And isn’t that what one would do for the person they’re in love with? They wish for their loved one to find happiness. Wait and watch in joy to see their beloved one basked in the glory of love.

  But I don’t want to watch. I don’t want to see the person who Zac is in love with. I don’t want to see that girl climb up onstage when he finishes singing. I don’t want to see him kiss that girl and tell everyone in the whole school that she’s the one for him. Because I know my heart would break. It’s already breaking as I’m watching him now, while he’s singing that song, his eyes looking at me.

  I know in this lifetime, I can’t love him because of how our relationship and fate are structured, but I could always wish for him to be mine in the next lifetime. So I cry. I cry as he sings the next line, my tears flowing softly, crying out for Zac to hear my confession, that I want him to love me in the next lifetime. Let that girl be me in the next lifetime. Please, let us not have this relationship in the next lifetime.

  “My Romeo, can you hear me? Please let me be your Juliet in the next lifetime,” I whisper to myself as more tears stream down my cheeks.

  I know our future is bleak.

  I know there will be obstacles in our way.

  But I, but I still want to be with you.

  It’s because I love only you.

  The lyrics, they are tearing my heart apart, making me bleed to death slowly. My heart quakes and my lips tremble. My tears won’t stop flowing. They continue to run from my eyes as I watch Zac staring back at me with tears also in his eyes as he continues to sing this song for the girl he loves.

  Before long, I stand up. Tears continue trickling down my cheeks, and the sight of Zac sitting on that stool grows fuzzy in my eyes. I wipe those tears away so I can see Zac clearer. Suddenly, I see something dripping from his fingers.

  Oh God, Zac, his finger is bleeding again. There’s blood dripping from his finger, staining the blue scarf purple. I gasp and want to run to him, to get a proper Band-Aid and wrap it for him. But I stop myself. I shouldn’t be doing this. This right is only reserved for the girl he loves.

  Where is the girl he loves? I angrily look around the room, through my tear-stricken eyes. Why isn’t she running up onstage now and caring for him? Where is she?

  I look at Zac, telling him with my eyes to stop playing, please, to stop playing; otherwise, he will hurt his hand. But Zac doesn’t listen to me. He continues to gaze at me as if trying to tell me something.

  I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

  I’m so sorry I can’t control my fate.

  I can’t decide who my family is.

  But know this, that I will not let them, not let them affect us.

  Oh God, no, no, that lyric. That part of the lyrics. It’s like he’s referring to our relationship.

  Zac, is he singing that song to me? Could he be singing that song to me?

  Please trust me, please trust in me.

  Even if the world would shatter,

  If you lay your hands in mine,

  I will never, will never let you go.

  It’s because I love only you.

  Zac, he’s singing that song to me. He’s singing that song to me. How could I not realize it? The first part of the song, he said it was since he first saw me, when he first kissed me. Zac once told me he had his first kiss stolen the night of the music festival. He said that was his first kiss.

  So it is me. I’m the one he loves. That’s what Zac meant when he whispered into my ear. He wanted to give me this song. And the part he sang that he can’t control his fate, that he can’t decide who his family is, he’s actually talking about Dillon.

  Oh God, please help me. I’m being torn apart. There’s my love for Zac and the confession he sings to me. Then there’s the reality of this world. Would it be fair to love someone who’s related to the person responsible for destroying my family’s life? If I weren’t involved in this party, what would my answer be?

  When you cry, I want to hug you,

  I want to tell you that I love you.

  But I can’t and can only hold on to your hand,

  And tell you everything will be fine.

  “Ivy, are you okay? Why are you crying?”

  I can hear Mandy asking me this, shaking my arm. But I’m in too deep. I’m sucked into his voice, into his song, into his soul, baring for all to see the emotion that is so blatantly displayed on my face. He’s singing this song to me. I’m that girl he loves.

  Suddenly, memories flip through my mind like photographs, replaying in my head, echoing inside my heart.

  “Are you cold? Your hands are shaking.”

  It was at the hospital. He was worried about me. That’s why he held on to my hands, to comfort me.

  “Just a song I practiced. I want to sing it to this girl when she becomes my girlfriend.”

  Zac said this to us when we were in the car. He wanted to sing that song to me too.

  “You seriously look beautiful, Ivy. I would really like a girl like you to be my girlfriend.”

  Zac said this to me when he was in my changing room. He was hugging me from behind, his hands embracing my body, while he rested his chin on my head.

  Oh God, oh God. Please help me. Why didn’t I see all of the signs? He’s been hinting at me from the very beginning. Zac loves me. He loves me.

  I come out of my memory as Zac’s voice penetrates my soul again.

  Another piece of the lyrics strikes me, and I stare at him, more tears crawling down my cheeks.

  Even if volcanoes were to erupt and earthquakes strike

  I won’t, I won’t ever let your hand go.

  Because, because I love you,

  Because I love only you.

  I want us to trust each other,

  And fight this obstacle together.

  So please trust me, please trust in me,

  Even if the world would shatter,

  If you lay your hands in mine,

  I will never, will never let you go,

  Because I love only you.

  Oh, Zac. I love you. I love you too.

  I want to scream out to him, run up to him onstage and kiss him and tell him this, over and over again, until my heart is whole again, until it stops bleeding and starts beating with life again.

  But I can’t. How can I when my family has suffered so much at the hands of his brother? If they know, disaster would strike. I can’t choose Zac over my family. But the more I listen to his song, the more my heart bleeds.

  I can’t take this anymore. It’s all too painful. I can’t bear seeing Zac cry his heart out with this song. I can’t face Zac after he finishes this song. Because I know if he confesses to me in front of everyone here, I will say yes. I will be selfish and forget all about my family’s suffe
ring just to be next to him, just so my heart could smile again. But I know I can’t do this. So I do the only thing I am good at.

  I flee.

  Chapter 22

  ZAC

  Will You Love Me Today?

  My finger is bleeding again and a throbbing pain shoots through to my nerves, drumming through my blood, and ripping to the inner core of my heart, yet I feel numbed all over. I’m crying like a baby with tears crawling silently down my cheeks, but I don’t care. All my thoughts and concentration are focused on singing this song, on transmitting this message to Ivy so she might understand it’s her that I’ve loved all along.

  Ivy, this song is for you. This song is my confession to you. I am very bad with words. Every time we speak, I either make you mad or cry. I can’t say anything right in front of you. So please, listen and understand this song is my love confession that I wrote only for you.

  Please understand I can’t choose who I am born with or who I am related to. But the one thing I can choose from now on is the direction of my future. And I choose you.

  I choose you, Ivy. Despite knowing there will be obstacles I must face, I am not afraid, because if only I have your love, I can do anything.

  I can walk through a bridge of fire to get to you. I can swim across the Pacific Ocean just to see you on the other side of the world. I am prepared for whatever comes our way, Ivy, so if you choose me, then I can do anything.

  I watch Ivy as she stands up with tears also in her eyes, her lips quivering, her tears begging for me to stop playing this song. But I won’t stop. I will not stop until Ivy understands I love her.

  Ivy. Do you feel the same as me? Is that why you’re crying too?

  A little bit of my heart swells up with happiness as that thought processes through my mind, but it’s immediately ripped away again when I see Ivy running out of the auditorium, clutching her chest.