Beyond Always (Lex and Amanda Series)

by Carrie Carr

  "Leelee?"

  Amanda walked through the bathroom and tapped on the door to Lorrie's room.

  "Leave me alone, Mel," Lorrie yelled.

  "It's us," Amanda announced as she opened the door and stepped through.

  Lorrie was lying on her bed in her pajamas, navy blue cotton pants with a light-blue tank top. She sat up when they came into the room. "Sorry, Mom. But Mel's been coming in and showing me her drawings all night."

  Eddie struggled in Amanda's arms. "Leelee." The moment she put him down, he toddled to the bed and tried to climb. "Leelee."

  "Okay, hold on." Lorrie pulled him up beside her. Before he could grab her earphones and MP3 player, she snatched them off the bed and placed them on her nightstand. "Sorry, Eddie. You're too little for those."

  Amanda sat on the foot of the bed. "Other than your sister bothering you, how are you doing, honey?"

  Lorrie shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

  "I know it's going to be tough, but while Momma is gone, I'm going to need your help."

  "Like with the horses and stuff?"

  Amanda shook her head. "No, the guys can take care of the horses. You're still responsible for your usual chores, but I need you to help me keep an eye on Eddie and Melanie."

  "Babysitting?" Lorrie sounded as if it were a life sentence.

  "Something like that, yes." Amanda grabbed one of Lorrie's sock-covered feet and gently shook it. "Pawpaw will probably be here more, but if you could help him, that would be great."

  "Okay. But do I have to play with her all the time? She does silly things."

  Amanda laughed. "Honey, it wasn't that long ago that you did some of those silly things, too. Try to have a little more patience with her."

  "All right." Lorrie held out her hand to Eddie, who giggled and attacked her wriggling fingers. "I'd rather be with Eddie. At least he doesn't want to play with dolls all the time."

  "Just be more tolerant with her. She's worried about Momma, too."

  Lorrie looked into Amanda's face. "Are you? Worried, I mean?"

  "Of course. Any time you're in the hospital, it's serious. But..." Amanda smiled and touched the tip of Lorrie's nose. "I have complete faith that she will get well soon, and come home."

  "You're not just saying that to keep me from being upset, are you?"

  Amanda stood. "Have I ever lied to you? Come on, kiddo. Bedtime."

  She held out her hands to Eddie, who gave Lorrie a slobbery kiss and then crawled across the bed.

  He used Amanda's body to climb off the bed. "Nigh nigh!"

  Amanda laughed and kissed Lorrie on the forehead. "I love you, sweetie."

  "Love you, too." Lorrie hugged her close. "Are you going to see Momma tomorrow?"

  "Yes, as soon as visiting hours start. Why?"

  Lorrie appeared embarrassed. She suddenly found the end of her blanket fascinating and wouldn't look up at her mom. "Just wondering."

  "Is that all?"

  Lorrie nodded.

  "All right, then. Get some sleep." Amanda took Eddie by the hand. "Goodnight, honey."

  ""˜Night, Mom."

  Amanda and Eddie bypassed the adjoined bathroom and headed down the hall. "Bedtime for big boys." She led the way into his bedroom.

  "Big boy." He let go of her hand and climbed into his toddler bed. "Big."

  "You sure are." Amanda knelt by his bed and helped him cover up. She handed him his favorite stuffed toy, a gray armadillo that Lex had found and given to him as a joke. Now it was the only thing he'd sleep with. Much to everyone's amusement. "What book do you want to read tonight?" she asked, picking three from a nearby shelf.

  Eddie cuddled the armadillo. "Momma."

  "I know, honey. Momma usually reads to you, but she's sick. How about this one?" She held up a book with a cow on the cover.

  "Moo." Eddie stuck his thumb in his mouth and blinked away tears.

  IT TOOK LONGER than usual, but Amanda got Eddie to sleep and Melanie tucked into bed. Afterward, she called Hubert in Oklahoma, to tell him of Lex's condition. Although his father-in-law wasn't expected to live much longer, Hubert had offered to drive down immediately. Amanda had promised to keep him updated so he could stay there with Ramona.

  To relax after the emotional call, Amanda spent a leisurely twenty minutes soaking in the tub--with the door open, just in case one of the children needed her. Once she was dry and dressed in her nightgown, she brushed her teeth and left the bathroom.

  Amanda stared at the empty bed for a long moment before she crawled in on Lex's side and buried her face in the pillow. She inhaled the familiar scent of Lex's shampoo and felt the weight of the day crash around her. Only now, alone, did she allow herself to release the stress by crying into the pillow.

  She cried for Lex, who was lying helpless in a hospital bed so many miles away, for their children who really didn't understand the implications, and for the fear of losing someone who meant everything to her.

  Hours later, Amanda was awakened by the sound of crying. She hadn't even remembered falling asleep. As she listened, she quickly sat up and flung the covers off her legs. She made it to Eddie's room in record time, but he was still fast asleep.

  Now that she was more awake, Amanda could tell it was Melanie's cries that she heard. She went into her youngest daughter's room, which was well-lit with a bright night light. "Mel? Honey, it's all right."

  Melanie sat up with tears streaming down her face. "Mommy, Momma's dead!" she cried. "She's dead!"

  "No, no, sweetie." Though chilled by her daughter's words, Amanda sat close to her and pulled Melanie into her arms. "Momma's not dead, honey. She's sick, but she's going to be okay."

  Melanie shook her head and continued to cry. "We had to go to her funeral, it was raining and you was sad."

  "Ssssh." Amanda slowly rocked back and forth. "Momma's okay."

  "How do you know?"

  Amanda closed her eyes and rested her cheek against Melanie's hair. "I just know, baby. But, if you want, we can go to my room and call the hospital to check on her."

  "We can?"

  "Yes, we can."

  There was a shuffling sound from the bathroom doorway. "Can I go, too?" Lorrie asked.

  "Sure." Amanda stood. "Why don't you bring your pillows, and we'll all sleep in the big bed?"

  Melanie kept a death-grip on Amanda's hand as they walked down the hall. Her pillow was tucked under her other arm. "Like a slumber party?"

  "A little bit."

  When they stepped into the bedroom, Amanda pointed to her side of the bed. "Get comfortable, and I'll call the hospital." She sat next to the nightstand and dialed from the cordless handset.

  The girls were silent as Amanda was transferred to the nurse's desk in ICU.

  She smiled with as much confidence as she could muster and was about to say something to them when the line was answered.

  "ICU."

  "Hi, I'm Amanda Walters. I'm sorry to bother you, but I wanted to check on my wife, Lex. She was brought in earlier today."

  "Um, yes. Let me get the doctor for you, ma'am. Please hold for a moment."

  Amanda frowned as a recording of a piano and flute duet played on the line. She shrugged and winked to the girls.

  "I'm waiting for the doctor. I'm sure the nurse wasn't allowed to give out any--" She stopped when there was as click, and a woman's authoritative voice spoke up.

  "This is Doctor Stevens. Who am I speaking to?"

  "My name is Amanda Walters. My wife, Lexington Walters was admitted around noon today. You should have my name listed there as the next of kin."

  The doctor cleared her throat. "Yes, of course. Were you not contacted earlier this evening?"

  A cold chill raced down Amanda's spine and made the back of her skull tingle with fear. She stood and stepped away from the bed.

  "No, I wasn't." She lowered her voice to keep from being overheard. "Is there a problem?"

  "The nurse on duty was supposed to call you and inform you. I'm sorry, Ms
. Walters."

  Amanda's heartbeat speed doubled. "What?"

  "There were complications this evening. Ms. Walters' oxygen saturation dropped below eighty-five percent, and her blood pressure bottomed out."

  As the doctor continued to explain, the only thing Amanda could hear was the blood rushing through her ears. She stepped into the bathroom and closed the door, so Melanie and Lorrie wouldn't be able to hear her conversation.

  "Doctor, please." She leaned against the door and closed her eyes. "What does this mean, exactly?"

  "After two hours on BiPAP, Ms. Walters was non-responsive. In fact, her condition worsened. We made the decision to place her on mechanical ventilation."

  "Oh, God." Amanda slid down the door until she was on the floor. "How..." she struggled to get the words out. "How is she now?"

  "Her condition has stabilized. We're hoping the antibiotic treatment will help so that we can remove the tracheal tube by tomorrow evening."

  For a moment, Amanda couldn't breathe. She swallowed hard. "So, she's going to be all right?"

  "We are doing everything in our power for her. The next twelve to twenty-four hours will be critical, though. If she responds to treatment, then yes. She should be fine. I'm sorry, Ms. Walters, I wish I could tell you more."

  "Thank you, Dr. Stevens. I appreciate everything you're doing for her."

  Amanda disconnected the call. She rested her arm against her knee and held the phone to her forehead. "What do I tell the kids?" she whispered.

  There was a light tap on the bathroom door. "Mom, are you okay?" Lorrie asked.

  Amanda took a deep breath and released it slowly. "I'll be right out, honey." She got off the floor and went to the sink to splash water on her face.

  When she stepped from the bathroom, Amanda almost ran into both girls.

  Melanie shifted from one foot to the other. "Is Momma better? Can we go see her?"

  Amanda put her hand on Melanie's shoulder. "Let's go get comfy, and I'll tell you about the call."

  Once the girls were settled in bed, Amanda adjusted the covers but didn't lie down. Instead, she sat on the opposite side closest to them. "First, I want to start by telling you that Momma's okay, and she's getting the best care possible."

  Lorrie frowned. "What does that mean?"

  "It means that she's had a little bit of a setback. They had to put her on a machine to help her breathe, so her body can rest and get better. And, while that means you won't be able to see her for a few days because she'll still be in ICU, I'll still take any cards or drawings to her that you want to send."

  "So, she's worse," Lorrie muttered.

  Melanie began to cry. "Does that mean Momma's gonna die? I knew it! I told you, Mommy!" She dove into Amanda's arms.

  Amanda brushed her hand across Melanie's hair and gave Lorrie a scolding look. "She's going to be fine. And we're not going to have any more negativity. Right, Lorrie?"

  "I was just--"

  "I know, sweetie. But remember what Mada always says. Prayers and good thoughts work, while bad thoughts just make us feel worse. I believe that, and so does Momma."

  Lorrie blinked tears from her eyes and looked at the comforter. "I know, Mom. I'm sorry."

  "Come here." Amanda held out her free arm, which she put around Lorrie when she snuggled close. "I know you're scared for Momma. I am, too. But we're going to get through this, I promise you."

  She closed her eyes as she kissed the top of their heads as she silently hoped that she'd not be proven wrong.

  ON THE FOURTH day of Lex's hospitalization, Amanda stepped off the elevator and greeted the nurse at the station. "Good morning, Jennifer."

  The nurse, who was close to Amanda's age, looked up. "Good morning, Amanda. How are you?"

  "Tired, but okay." Amanda stopped and noticed the door to Lex's room was closed. "What's going on?"

  "Oh, Dr. Stevens is in there. She should be out before long. Trust me, everything's good."

  Amanda wanted to ask what she meant by the remark, but was instantly diverted when the doctor came out of Lex's room.

  "Ms. Walters, hello," Dr. Stevens greeted her warmly. She wasn't much older than Lex, but was closer to Amanda's size. Her light, brown hair was streaked with gray, and her brown eyes twinkled behind the gold-framed glasses she wore. "How are you this morning?"

  "I'm all right, Doctor." Amanda gestured to the room. "How's Lex?"

  Dr. Stevens exchanged glances with Jennifer before she gestured toward the door. "Why don't you see for yourself?"

  It took great restraint not to run, though Amanda's pace was just below a jog. As she broke through the threshold, she couldn't stop the sob that escaped. "Oh, God."

  Lex was upright with her eyes open. The monitors attached to her were muted, and only an oxygen tube ran from her nose. She gave Amanda a tired grin. "Hey." Her rough voice was barely above a whisper.

  Amanda rushed to her side and took Lex's hand in hers, but was careful not to dislodge the IV. "Thank God." She held their hands to her chest as tears of happiness tracked down her cheeks. "How are you feeling?"

  "Tired," Lex rasped. "Weird, huh?"

  Amanda shook her head. "No, not at all."

  She kissed Lex's knuckles and then rubbed them against her face. "God, you scared the hell out of me."

  "Sorry." Lex coughed and winced.

  "Sssh. It's okay, love. I just--" Amanda's voice broke. Unable to speak, she kissed Lex's hand again and again.

  Lex squeezed her hand with what little strength she had. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted off, but not before whispering, "Love you."

  "I love you too, honey."

  Amanda stood there for several minutes, just to watch her sleep. She finally kissed Lex's hand one final time before leaving the room to talk to the doctor.

  She met Dr. Stevens at the nurses' station.

  "That was a wonderful surprise." Amanda wiped her eyes with a tissue. "How much longer will she be here?"

  "If there are no setbacks, we should be transferring her to a regular room this afternoon. Let's just take things one step at a time."

  A giddy laugh escaped from Amanda as she looked back toward the room. "I understand. But, it's just so nice to see her doing better."

  "I know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I'm late for." The doctor gathered folders from the counter and headed for the elevator.

  Amanda glanced at her watch. "I think I'll go to the waiting area and make some phone calls. Jennifer, thank you for everything."

  "You're welcome, Amanda. I'm glad she's doing better."

  THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON, Amanda picked the girls up after school and took them to Parkdale to visit Lex. Along the way, Melanie kept up her usual non-stop chatter as Lorrie stared gloomily out the window.

  Melanie bounced in her seat as much as the seat belt would allow. "Mommy, I don't have any of my pictures for Momma. Can we go home first?"

  Amanda glanced in the rear view mirror. "No, honey. That's too long a drive. But you can bring them tomorrow, okay?"

  "Okay." Melanie chewed on her thumbnail for a moment. "Oh. Can we get her a card, instead?"

  "We'll see. Lorrie, are you all right?"

  Lorrie sighed and looked away from her window. "Do we have to go?"

  "What?" Amanda stopped at a light and turned to look at her. "I thought you wanted to see Momma. Why the change?" The light turned green before she could get an answer. "Damn it."

  Melanie giggled. "Mommy said a bad word," she sang.

  "Big deal," Lorrie grumbled.

  "Lorrie, what's wrong with you today? Did something happen at school?"

  "No. I just don't feel like going all the way out to the hospital." Lorrie crossed her arms and looked at the passing scenery.

  Amanda bit her lip to keep from going off on her. She gripped the steering wheel tighter and kept her eyes on the road. When she had time, and more patience, she'd talk to their oldest about her attitude.

  Once in the hospital
elevator, Lorrie stood at the back, as Melanie held Amanda's hand. Melanie swung a small, stuffed bear in her other hand and couldn't contain her excitement. "Mommy, do you think this is big enough? I want Momma to be able to sleep with it, so she's not lonely."

  "It's perfect, Mel. Momma's going to love it, because you picked it out," Amanda assured her.

  When the elevator doors opened, Amanda stepped out first. "She's going to be thrilled to see you both. Now, remember. You have to be quiet, because there are a lot of people who need their rest, okay?"

  Melanie practically skipped beside her. "Okay!" She turned to Lorrie, who trudged behind them. "Come on, Lorrie. Momma's waiting!"

  They came to the door to Lex's room. Amanda stopped and knelt beside Melanie and touched the tip of her nose. "Remember, Momma still gets tired really easily, so we won't be staying very long."

  Lorrie finally voiced what was worrying her. "Are you sure we won't make her sicker, again? I want her to come home."

  "She's doing a lot better." Amanda stood and gave her a quick hug. "Come on." She opened the door and peeked inside.

  Lex was upright and awake, with the television remote in her good hand. By the look on her face, she hadn't found anything worth watching. She dropped it in her lap when she noticed her visitor.

  "Hey." Her voice was soft and raspy.

  Amanda opened the door wider. "Hi, love. Brought you a present." She let both girls go in front of her.

  "Momma!" Melanie ran across the room and skidded to a halt beside the bed. She noticed the oxygen tube under Lex's nose, as well as the IV attached to her good arm. "Wow. What's that?"

  Lorrie stood on the other side of the bed. "Hi, Momma." She stuck her hands in her coat pockets, as if she was afraid to touch anything.

  "Hi, sweetheart." Lex's smile was tired and there were large, dark circles beneath her eyes.

  "We brought you a bear," Melanie said, putting the stuffed animal on Lex's stomach, which was covered by a tan blanket. "I made you lots of pictures, but they're at home. Mommy picked us up at school, and we didn't have to ride the bus. I like riding the bus, because we're almost the last ones to get off, and we get to ride on the back seats. They bounce when we hit bumps."