Perfectly Adequate

by Jewel Ann

  Later my sisters and their families arrive. Everyone seems relieved to see me awake. Lots of tears. It must have been bad. Again, I’m happy for the tiny bit of memory loss.

  “Dorothy, no! Come back here,” my mom calls, slipping out of the room. “Don’t be scared off. It’s just family. Come in, dear.” She ushers Dorothy into the room.

  Dorothy still has on her work scrubs, red with a royal blue undershirt and royal blue Nikes. Tucking her hair behind her ears, her gaze darts around the roomful of people. Her discomfort can’t be as bad as mine, but I still feel a pang of unease on her behalf.

  “Dorfee!” Roman runs to her and gives her a high five.

  Julie’s expression stays neutral, like she’s trying to act unaffected, but even with only one working eye at the moment, I don’t miss her tiny flinch.

  “Little Romeo, I’ve missed you.” Dorothy smiles at Roman before finally giving me her gaze.

  I need those honest eyes on me. They tell me everything she’s afraid to say.

  “I fear we’re going to get in trouble for having too many people in here. Why don’t we grab dinner?” Mom suggests.

  Everyone says goodnight to me while Dorothy backs into the corner of the room like she’s trying to disappear.

  “Come here.” I hold out my hand after the door to the room closes and it’s just us.

  “Thanks for not dying.” She laughs nervously while taking my hand.

  “You’re welcome.” I ease my hand up so our palms are flat against each other.

  She stares at our hands as I lace our fingers together.

  “I love you.”

  Her gaze shoots to mine, eyes wide, lips parted.

  “I do. And I tried to die without saying it. And that was just stupid on my part. So in case I throw a clot or take some unexpected turn, I just want you to know. I love you, Dorothy Mayhem.”

  It’s not that I intend for my declaration to be a surprise, but clearly it’s quite the shocker. I chuckle then grimace. My ribs aren’t ready for laughter. “It’s not a question. Okay? It requires no answer, no acknowledgment.”

  She nods slowly, returning her gaze to our interlaced fingers. I bring them to my face, gently brushing my lips (kinda swollen lips) over her fingers. Dorothy has a way of taking away my pain, and I feel certain she has no idea the effect she has on me.

  “I fear I could fall behind with closing my rings for a while.”

  A smile forms along her perfect lips. “Ya think?”

  “I’m glad you came over the other night. I might need those memories to make it through the healing process.”

  Her cheeks bloom red. “I was reading about orgasms.”

  Yeah, I love her. And I feel certain I will die a happy man if she starts every conversation with “I was reading about orgasms.”

  She continues, “You know the Lazarus reflex?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, did you know that if you were only being kept alive by machines, so basically dead, that as long as your sacral nerve is being oxygenated, you can be stimulated to have an orgasm? Like giving a dead person an orgasm. That’d be the way to go out, right?”

  It all hurts so bad, but so very good at the same time. My grin pulls at my swollen lip, and my laughter pulls at my fractured ribs, but I welcome the pain because Dorothy Mayhem makes life pretty fucking amazing. “Do I want to know how this all came about?”

  She shrugs. “Just something I thought about when they didn’t know if you’d wake up.”

  “Were you going to suggest I get one last orgasm before they unplugged me? Please say yes. If you do, I think I’ll make sure you’re legally responsible for making all final decisions for me if I go under again.”

  Dorothy giggles. “I’ve seen ultrasounds of babies masturbating in the womb. It’s only fitting to go out with the same simple-minded pleasure with which you came into this world.”

  The question begs to be asked … why was Dorothy so thoroughly researching orgasms? But I don’t ask the question because it’s Dorothy Mayhem. I expect the unexpected from her. It’s one of the things that made me fall so fast and so hard for her.

  “You should sleep. And I haven’t been home yet, so lots to do before work tomorrow.”

  “Like masturbate?”

  “What? No!” She releases my hand and curls her hair behind her ears again.

  “Rumor has it I could be in this joint for another week. Think you could smuggle in a pizza some night?”

  There it is … that smile. God, it’s oxygen. “Maybe.”

  “Drive safely, Dorothy.”

  She nods, lips twisted as her gaze makes a slow inspection from my toes to my head. Then she leans over and kisses my cheek. “Goodnight,” she whispers.

  I take a slow breath as she walks to the door and close my eye when she disappears around the corner.

  “Eli?”

  I open my eye again.

  She peeks her head around the corner, teeth planted into her bottom lip.

  “Yes?”

  “I do too.”

  “You do too?” I ask.

  “Love you. I think I love you too.” She shrugs. “So now you know, just in case you don’t wake up in the morning.”

  How incredibly morbid … and … perfect. Three words don’t fit Dorothy. A simple “I love you” would not feel right coming out of her mouth in this moment. Nope. It has to be six. Six is infinitely better than three.

  I think I love you too.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Homebound

  Dorothy

  I keep my routine for the most part. I need routine, especially with Eli in the hospital and his family visiting at randomly different times. Several times I consider suggesting we make up a schedule so his room isn’t stuffed to the limit with visitors. But they seem to enjoy the large gathering, and so does Eli. So I never get the nerve to say anything.

  On his last night in the hospital, I stop by after my shift, assuming—hoping—the later hour will grant me some alone time with Eli.

  No such luck.

  Instead, his parents and Julie are here, discussing his home care. They smile when I slip into the room, even Julie’s smile looks a little more genuine.

  “Hi, sweetie.” Lori smiles.

  They continue discussing who will take care of Eli until he can get around on his own.

  As I take a seat in the corner of the room, Eli winks at me before returning his attention to his mom.

  “I’m taking off two days a week to be with you. Your dad will take a day off too. Molly is going to see about taking one morning, but she’s not sure yet. I really think we should consider an in-home nurse just during the day. And I’ll stay over during the nights.” His mom brushes his bangs away from his face.

  “I can do two days. And I’ll do nights and weekends too,” Julie announces.

  “Jules …” Eli starts to speak.

  “It’s fine. I’ve already arranged for two of my colleagues to cover some days for me until you’ve recovered. Then my mom can have a break from watching Roman. She and my dad have been wanting to take a vacation anyway. And Roman can take a break from daycare.” Julie rests her hand on Eli’s arm.

  As for me … I want to slink out of the room before anyone looks in my direction.

  Too late.

  Eli studies Julie with an unreadable expression before sliding his gaze in my direction. “Know any good in-home nurses?”

  “Oh—” I do. I know several.

  But Julie cuts me off. “Eli, don’t be ridiculous. Why would you want that? I’m giving you more time with Roman. Quality time. It’s the perfect solution, but you’d rather have some stranger help you to the bathroom? In and out of bed?”

  Yes. I indeed need to get out of here. I like Boss Bitch. I love world renowned Dr. Hathaway. But Julie, Eli’s ex-wife, doesn’t make my favorite people list with her offer to help him to the bathroom and in and out of bed.

  His parents and Julie follow his gaze, which
happens to be on me like I’m the one with a decision to make. I don’t even want to be here, let alone weigh in on decisions.

  “Thoughts, Dorothy?” Eli asks me.

  Wow! No pressure.

  “Roman would love spending more time with you.” I make the mistake of giving Julie a quick glance. “Both of you.” My grin feels extra toothy. Extra everything. Do they notice my level of get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here discomfort? “I bet he’ll find it really fun. Lego time. Watching Kratt Brothers. And whatnot.”

  Okay! Is everyone happy? Great. Can I leave now?

  I hate conflict, so much so I have a terrible track record of putting myself in really uncomfortable positions to avoid dealing with certain situations. My parents find this particular trait frustrating. They think I constantly give up my own happiness because I don’t want to risk the chance of conflict. What they don’t really understand is avoiding conflict makes me happy.

  “Do you want to talk privately about this?” Eli asks me, therefore three sets of eyes are on me.

  “Not particularly.”

  “Can you give us a minute?” he asks.

  Lori and Kent don’t blink, they just nod and make their way out of the room. Julie … well, she shows a bit more reluctance to leave. Or maybe her hand is stuck to Eli’s arm.

  “Jules, please.”

  Jules … I kinda hate that he has a nickname for her. No nicknames for me. Nope. Just Dorothy. Some people try to call me Dot or Dottie. Those choices don’t sound as smooth or as cool as Jules. And I just hate Dot and Dottie. So I have to stick with Dorothy.

  Jules squeezes his arm and nods. “I’ll be right outside.”

  “Thanks.”

  He watches her leave the room before giving me a solid grin. “Did you have a good day?”

  “Did you clear the room just to ask me that?” I shuffle my sneakers toward him, sitting on the edge of his bed.

  He rests his hand on my leg. “Sure. But for the record, I was planning on asking them to leave anyway, just to look at you without being interrupted.”

  “Your eye looks so much better.”

  “Better to see you with, my dear.”

  I giggle.

  “I wouldn’t be okay with your ex-husband staying with you if you were unable to take care of yourself.”

  “I don’t have an ex-husband. Never been married.”

  His mouth quirks up a bit on one side. “What I’m saying is, it’s okay for you to not want Julie to stay with me and take care of me. I’ll hire an in-home nurse.”

  “You’ll get to see Roman every day if she stays with you.”

  “True, but at what cost?”

  I shrug. “Sounds like no cost. I don’t think she’s going to charge you.”

  “You know what I mean. What will be the cost to us?”

  “My life won’t change. I have school and work. And you’ll get to see Roman every day. I’d think you were crazy for passing up this opportunity. I’m jealous you’ll get to hang out with him every day. He’s way cooler than my classmates or anyone at the hospital.”

  “You’re sure … about Julie?”

  I laugh. “She’s my idol. I’d choose her to watch me if I were out of commission.”

  “Gee … thanks a lot.”

  “Anytime, Dr. Hawkins.”

  He rolls his eyes.

  “You’ll come over, right? Dinner? Movie nights? Pasta? Xbox?”

  Just the four of us. Sounds super awesome. Super awkward. Super unlikely.

  “Did you catch the part where I said I have school, work, a dog, two emus, and aging parents?”

  “Did you catch the part where I love you? The part that craves time with you?”

  I sigh. “I’ll visit when I can.” I mean it. I also have a busy schedule.

  “It will be awesome having Roman around more again. God … I miss him so much when he’s with Julie. I just…” a tiny frown steals his smile “…miss him.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Remember When

  Elijah

  My family has a coming home party for me the next day. Dorothy has to work. Roman goes crazy over the balloons and cake, and Julie wastes no time rearranging things around the house, including shit in my kitchen and bathroom.

  “I’m so glad you’re home … and alive. But you should rest now.” Mom kisses my cheek as everyone funnels toward the door.

  “Need help getting him upstairs?” Dad asks Julie.

  “I think I’ve got it. But thank you.”

  Roman gives everyone goodbye hugs and kisses. A few minutes later, it’s just the three of us. It immediately feels weird and familiar at the same time. It’s not the house we lived in together, but most of the furniture is the same. Julie wanted a complete break from our life together which included a new home and all new furnishings. I wanted a better view, and an easy commute, but was fine with the old furniture. I knew Roman would work hard on destroying it anyway.

  “I forgot how comfy this leather recliner is.” Julie plops down in the brown recliner while I stay perched on the matching sofa with my casted leg on the coffee table.

  “Well, you can’t have it now.” I grin.

  She rolls her eyes. “I said it’s comfy, not stylish.”

  “Suits Roman and me.”

  I wait for her comeback. It defines the previous year. Little jabs here and there, but rarely anything like a boxing match. We manage to always bring it back to Roman. We’re in it for him. I often wonder, if we hadn’t had Roman, would she have left Portland? Would I have ever seen her again?

  There’s something different about her right now. So much of her feels familiar, like the Julie I fell in love with twenty-two years ago. But on the outside, I don’t recognize her—the red hair, the breasts, the clothes that hug her curves a little bit more than the comfortable, sensible outfits she wore when we were married.

  “Mommy! I’m hungry.” Roman zooms down the stairs and barrels toward her, jumping onto her lap.

  “Oopf!” She hugs him, rocking him a bit as he hugs her back.

  My world.

  My life.

  Right here, but not completely real anymore. For a moment, when Julie glances at me and smiles over Roman’s shoulder, I feel like the previous year never happened, like maybe I didn’t just wake up after an accident, maybe I woke up from the nightmare that my wife left me.

  In the very next blink, I think of Dorothy.

  “Hey, buddy. Can you bring me my phone? It’s on the kitchen table.”

  “I get it!” Roman wiggles down from Julie’s lap and runs into the kitchen.

  “So … what sounds good for dinner?” She stands, sliding her hands into her back pockets which press her new chest out, showing off the goods.

  “We can just order something to be delivered.”

  “No. I’m here. I fully intend to make meals. Clean house. Maybe knit something.” She winks.

  When she was pregnant with Roman, she took up knitting. That Christmas everyone got scarves and mittens.

  “As I recall, the last time you took up knitting, the house never got cleaned and we always ordered delivery.”

  “True.” An easy laugh bubbles from her chest. “I’ll try to show a little more restraint this time.”

  “Here, Daddy.” Roman brings me my phone.

  “Thanks, buddy.”

  “You going to help me make dinner, mister?” Julie ruffles Roman’s hair as they both head toward the kitchen.

  Dorothy has three more hours of work, but I can’t resist texting her on the off chance that she might break the rules and text me back.

  Me: What are you wearing?

  She doesn’t respond right away. That’s fine. I have nowhere to go and all the time in the world. Twenty minutes later, she texts me.

  Dorothy: Scrubs (shrug emoji)

  Me: What’s the color combination today?

  Dorothy: I’m working

  Me: Two words. I know you’re wearing two colors. Be quick and sneaky
. Type two words to me. (folded hands emoji)

  Dorothy: Green white

  Me: Grass green (grass emoji) or surgical green (stethoscope emoji)

  She doesn’t answer. I frown. Kudos to Dorothy for taking her job seriously.

  While Julie and Roman make dinner, I lean my head back and close my eyes. I dream of jogging along my favorite trail, the windy, narrow paths. Nothing but miles of trees, deep ravines, and the trickling of tiny waterfalls.

  “Daddy!”

  I jump, cringing as my wounds protest.

  “Don’t scare Daddy, silly. Remember we have to be really really nice to him.” Julie hooks Roman around the waist with her arm and kisses him on the cheek as she scoops him up into her arms. “Let me get the wild man his food. Then I’ll help you to the table. Unless you’d rather eat on the sofa.”

  “The table is fine. If I eat out here, Roman will want to eat out here too. And that will turn into an unbreakable habit.”

  Julie nuzzles Roman’s ear as he giggles. “So very true. I’ll be right back.”

  We eat tacos.

  I think of Dorothy and her love of tacos … and all food really.

  After dinner, Roman sits between me and Julie on the sofa (my leg propped up on the coffee table), and we take turns reading him his favorite stories.

  At eight o’clock, Julie takes him upstairs to tuck him in bed.

  Dorothy: Surgical green

  I smile as my phone chimes.

  Me: How was work today?

  Dorothy: Same as every day. How are you feeling?

  Me: Like I fell into a steep ravine.

  (Three rolling on the floor laughing emojis)

  When can I see you?

  Dorothy: IDK

  Me: Not an acceptable answer. (neutral face emoji)

  Dorothy: Your house is only twenty minutes from my school. I have a 2.5 hr break between classes on Mondays. I could bring you lunch. And Roman. And Dr. Hathaway.

  I stare at the last line of her text. Julie is living with me. Helping me. Allowing me more time with Roman. I’m grateful. Of that, there is no question. But it doesn’t bode well for my time with Dorothy.

  Me. My son. My girlfriend. And … my ex-wife.