Her Christmas Wolf (Sawtooth Shifters Book 4)

by Kristen Strassel

  Before I saw Shea fight, I believed Heaven really existed. It was a private suite for two, me and him. It had been perfect, and it was gone.

  I wanted to see him. I wanted him to kiss all my fear and doubt away. I wanted to give him the Christmas present I’d been working so hard on, a piece of me he could keep forever. I could do that, at least. I learned in that bar tonight that I shouldn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.

  The girls scrambled, murmuring, as I climbed on the couch. I stared at Trina’s little ceramic Christmas tree. It looked ancient, and I loved how simple it was. No fuss, but the sentiment was there. I loved the giant tree at the Lowe’s house too, the smell that hit you in the face the minute you walked in, and the one strand of lights that never stopped blinking. There were so many ways to be happy.

  Kiera sat next to me on the couch and squeezed my foot. “Don’t make any decisions tonight. He might look scary, but that’s nothing, Delaney. It doesn’t change who he is on the inside. He wants you to have a good Christmas, and he wants to spend it with you.”

  I nodded, staring at the door. Shea kept his head low, hood up as he approached. As soon as he sat on the couch, I pulled the hood away. Hiding was as good as a lie.

  Maybe I changed my mind about the lying thing.

  The entire left side of his face was swollen and angry. His eye was purple and blood still marred his lip. He swallowed hard, saying nothing. I should’ve been able to keep my hands to myself, but I had to touch him. If he didn’t feel any different, maybe it had been a nightmare, and I’d wake up in his arms.

  Who was I kidding? I should’ve run away from him. I’d seen what he was capable of. Exactly what got me here in the first place.

  “It hurts like hell.” Shea grimaced, and I pulled my hand away. “Don’t stop. I want to feel it all. All I see when I close my eyes is you screaming. And I did that to you.”

  I pulled away from him, curling my knees up to my chest. Shea put his hand on my shoulder. “You’ll kill me if you shut me out, Delaney. Please. I’ve fucked everything up for everyone. Don’t make it all be for nothing. Without you, I have nothing.”

  The notebook was at my feet. I grabbed it, having to think long and hard about what I wanted to say.

  I want you to fight for what you believe in. But watching you and that other man beat the crap out of each other, I could feel it happening to me. Taste it. You know what I’m talking about. Just like I can’t be near the crates at the shelter, I can’t ever see you do that again.

  “You don’t have to. I’m not going to fight anymore. I’ll find a job so I don’t have to do it.”

  I held my hand up, shaking my head. No. If that’s who you are, I can’t stop you from that.

  “And I won’t take things away from you.” Shea sighed, looking around the room warily at our audience. Everyone was frozen in place, the tension as thick as the scabs forming on Shea’s face. I was glad we had witnesses. All of this was too surreal. I needed proof. “Give me one more day. Tomorrow’s our Christmas. After that, I might not ever see you again. Send me away with your sweet taste on my lips. Even if they’re busted.”

  I STAYED AT TRINA’S house, and I wasn’t the only one.

  “They think we’re weak,” Major said. He’d come in with X and Cass following him. Keira, Lyssie, and both of Shadow’s brothers stayed, too. The full moon was tomorrow, and I’d been aware enough through my haze to know the Montana wolves weren’t happy leaving with just the fight purse. “Ryker was such a psychotic bastard, no one fucked with us. Now he’s gone, and we’re going to get this over and over again until we prove we can stand on our own.”

  “From one fight? That’s bullshit. Wait ‘til were wolves. Can’t fool me twice,” Shea said.

  “We’re all going in. No one goes off in less than a pair. Everyone knows where the others are at all times.” Shadow paced in the middle of the living room. “We don’t know how dirty these guys fight.”

  “I do,” Shea said. I squeezed his hand. “Straight forward, and hard as hell.”

  Before the fight, Christmas had been a fun distraction, but as midnight hit, it took on a sense of urgency. These were the bravest men I’d ever met, and to see them worry scared me.

  “We need to get back.” Cass stood behind Major, rubbing his shoulders. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Emma will be up at the ass crack of dawn, and if we don’t have presents under the tree, those jackholes from Montana are going to be a piece of cake compared to her wrath.”

  “Right?” Major laughed, and it sounded good after all the tension of the evening. He motioned to Shea and X. “Bus is leaving.”

  Shea straddled my lap. I’d never get used to his beautiful face being ruined. Everyone insisted he’d be as good as new after he shifted. The thought of it made my stomach churn. I thought I could handle the fighting. I wasn’t going to fool myself, thinking the shift would be easier.

  He pulled a curl away from my face, wrapping his finger around it, then kissing it. “Are you coming back with me, angel?”

  Heat pulsed from his body. I fell back against the cushions, aware that every eye in the room was on us. It didn’t scare me; it gave me power. They cared about what happened, and something told me they wanted everything to work out.

  I know I did.

  I sat up, tracing my fingers lightly over his lip. I settled on the split, the scab rough against my fingers. Shea sighed, closing his good eye. All too well I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of one of those. I brushed my finger over the swell below his damaged eye, the same one that bruised in his last fight, too. He couldn’t keep doing this. He might not be fragile, but he could still break.

  We’d only known each other a couple of weeks, and I knew Shea wanted respect. It would never come from fighting. If I walked away from him, he’d wallow in blood and violence.

  And I’d always wonder if I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. No. Shea was exactly what I’d prayed for, during all the years of torture and humiliation.

  This wasn’t about want. We needed each other.

  I untangled his fingers from my hair, and kissed each one of them before nodding.

  Everyone in the room exhaled.

  The Lowe’s house was so peaceful, just as we left it. The pine scent relaxed me. I already thought of this place as home. I’d miss it if I never came back. A piece of me was already here, and I could never take it with me.

  Shea pulled me in under the mistletoe.

  “Kiss me. Hard,” he murmured. “Make me forget this shit day.”

  He moaned against my lips. There was no doubt it hurt, but to not kiss him would hurt him worse. I motioned toward the stairs, taking his hand in mine and leading him to the bedroom. Major, Cass, and X settled in the living room to wrap presents and drink beer.

  I sat on the bed, curling my legs into my belly. Shea opened his mouth to protest, but I shook my head. There was no reason to hide it—I was terrified—but not for the same reason he thought. I waved him over and hooked my fingers in the bottom of his sweatshirt.

  “That’s exactly what I need,” he moaned. I gasped when he pulled his undershirt over his head. Angry purple bruises had blossomed across his ribcage. Shea’s eyes darkened when he saw my expression, and he sank down next to me. “I know this is bringing up some bad shit for you. But think of how strong you are. You survived, and I will, too. They can’t keep us down.”

  Shea followed me down to the mattress, undressing me without saying a word. I grabbed his shoulders, pushing him down beside me and flipping up on top of him. I laughed, we were so clumsy.

  “Merry Christmas to me,” Shea sighed. “I was afraid I’d never hear that noise again.”

  I brought my finger to my mouth, signaling for him to be quiet. But I couldn’t stop laughing. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it got. Shea watched me, his face glowing as much as it could through the damage. Once I calmed down, I kissed the bruises one by one. His breath stuttered in his c
hest every time I made contact, shivering as I ran my fingers along each slice in his skin. I couldn’t make it better, but this is what I wished someone had done for me. Just once. It would’ve made it so much easier to believe in something better.

  Shea desperately wanted that too. It was ironic, that I’d be the person who could help him. Someone who’d been broken, beaten, and kept in a cage. The energy flowed between us, filling in the cracks and scars and making us whole again.

  I wanted this to be love. It wasn’t perfect, but there was no alternative.

  “Tell me what you want to do,” he whispered.

  I moved down his body. He had to be so sore. His shaft waited for me, hard and ready. I kissed the tip and Shea moaned. There was an animal inside this man, waiting impatiently to claw his way out. The power coursed under his skin. I liked this kind of wild, so I kept doing it, taking him in my mouth, and moving up and down, just like I’d read about in my books. Shea’s fingers curled in my hair, guiding me.

  “How do you know exactly what makes me feel better?” he murmured, the pulled me away from him.

  Shea held me over his body easily. He let go, positioned his cock in line with my pussy, and slid into me. He gripped my hips, rocking my body up and down. Filling more than I ever thought possible, I immediately craved more when he moved me up. We both cried out, discovering pleasure we had no idea about. Or I had no idea about, anyway. Shea had been right, every time was going to be better than the last.

  I fell forward, grasping his shoulders as the shockwaves, the sweet reward for giving him my body, rolled through me. I met his lips in a kiss, and Shea came inside me.

  “Shit.” He pulled me away from him, grabbing his shirt and rubbing it hard between my legs. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

  I put my hands up, puzzled.

  “I can’t get you pregnant. Especially this close to a full moon. There’s no telling what could happen. Neither of us are strong enough for that.” Shea kissed me, but frowned. “No wolf has ever successfully mated with a human.”

  I DREAMED OF BABIES a lot, I didn’t have to look that one up anymore. It signified a longing for love. I lay awake, my head on Shea’s bare shoulder, listening to his heart beat. Today was our Christmas, and I’d been looking forward to this day ever since we got the Christmas tree. But that wasn’t why I woke up early. Last night’s dream felt real.

  I smiled, running my fingers lightly over one of his tattoos. It was a spray of stars on his shoulder. The bruises from last night’s fight had already started to fade. Even though I knew wolves healed faster, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the concept. And I didn’t want to think about what would happen tomorrow night.

  Instead, I thought of our first kiss in the truck. He’d asked me to do something I thought was impossible, to say his name out loud. When he woke up, I was going to ask the same of him.

  “Merry Christmas, angel.” Shea kissed the top of my head and wrapped his arms around me. “I stayed up half the night, watching you sleep because I was so happy to have you here with me.”

  I ran my thumb under his eye. The swelling had subsided somewhat, and it opened a slit, but it still looked like a rainbow that had been dragged through a mud puddle. Shea moaned when I kissed the bad side of his face. I wished that was enough to make it all disappear.

  “You don’t have to hurry,” he said, his voice pock marked from the rough night. “We still have to go to the barn and take care of everyone, but we can leave once we’re done. Everyone’s coming for brunch.”

  I shook my head, leaning over to pick up my notebook. It took me a minute to figure out what I wanted to write, even though I’d been thinking about it all morning. What did you mean when you said you couldn’t get me pregnant?

  Shea squinted, holding the notebook over his head. He jumped when he finished reading. Exactly what I’d been afraid of. I braced myself for the worst. I ripped the notebook away, I’d forgotten something important. Not now. But someday?

  He sighed. “I can’t hurt you like that.”

  The next heartbeat throbbed painfully in my chest. I scribbled the next words, not giving myself a chance to think about them anymore. I won’t be like my mother. I know she was wrong. I don’t know much about kids, but I’m learning with Emma every day. Give me a chance.

  Shea caught me off guard when he pulled me into him, I crashed against his body. “That’s not it at all. I’d be proud for you to be the mother of my babies. But wolf babies inside human bodies are not a good mix. That’s what I mean by not hurting you. Whenever it’s happened in the past it’s been...bad. If there was any way it could happen, believe me, I want that more than anything. This is our family.”

  Still against his body, I slid the notebook over. Is that enough for you?

  I knotted my fingers, in the sign for try.

  Shea’s mouth fell open, and he shook his head. “Angel, I have you, and that’s all I need.”

  “SANTA CAME!” EMMA WAS a ball of energy, riding the high of opening her presents, jumping up and down when everyone arrived for brunch.

  I cleaned the paper from Hurricane Emma out of the living room. She had just as much fun playing with the wrappings and bows as she did with her presents. She already had everything open, begging Major to build her doll house. When he said she had to wait, she moved to Shea, who couldn’t say no to her. My heart almost burst watching them lay out the pieces—even more so after our conversation this morning.

  I wondered if Cass and Emma would shift, too. If they were expected to fight. This amazing little family that couldn’t be ripped apart.

  “Need any help?” Trina asked Cass, who was in the kitchen making pancakes.

  “Yes. Start spiking the coffee!” she laughed.

  We crowded around the table, some of us pulling chairs up to the counter. All of us heaped our plates with pancakes, sausage, and home fries. Yesterday’s drama was forgotten while Cass entertained us with stories about the guys as kids. I didn’t realize wolves could blush.

  “Let’s exchange gifts!” Kiera cried out, too excited, clearing all the plates she could reach. “I can’t wait any longer.”

  Nobody at Forever Home had any money, and Kiera came up with the idea to do a swap so we each only had to buy one gift, and whatever we wanted for our guys. That stressed me out. I pulled Kiera’s name, and I had no money to get her anything. What did you get the women who gave you, well, everything? Shea told me to stop freaking out, and took me to Kiera’s favorite place.

  “I love it!” she exclaimed when she opened her gift. They had a boxed set of all the Christmas coffee flavors, and I knew immediately that’s what I had to get her. Kiera loved her white chocolate peppermint coffee.

  Trina had me, and I was thrilled to open a pair of pink polka dot pajamas.

  “They’re from both of us. I helped picked them out.” Shadow nudged Trina.

  “You have to get new jammies for Christmas. It’s a law somewhere,” she added.

  “You won’t be needing those,” Shea whispered in my ear. “But I’ll have fun unwrapping you.”

  “I think Shea and Delaney should start with the couple gifts,” Lyssie said. Everyone turned to her. “They’re the newest couple. And they’re so cute together.”

  I wasn’t as confident about what I’d made for Shea. My gift fit in an envelope. I’d drawn the Christmas tree on the front of it, and given it a bow. He narrowed his eyes and the room fell silent as he pulled a piece of paper out.

  I’d drawn another version of the picture he caught me drawing, the picture that changed everything for us. Golden flowers and sunburst butterflies with a vine spiraling around them. He looked up at me, puzzled. I picked the paper up and placed it over his heart, tapping on it. This one he could keep forever.

  “You drew me a tattoo?” he asked. I nodded. “Fuck, that’s hot. I don’t know if my gift measures up.”

  “Of course it will,” Cass said, sitting on Major’s lap. Emma crawled on top of her. I loved it
when they settled in a pile. It was comfortable and messy and I wanted that someday for me and Shea. I knew he said we couldn’t, but there had to be a way. I didn’t get this far by giving up on the impossible.

  “Come on.” Shea grabbed my hand and brought me outside. There were two tiny bushes that I’d never noticed before by the stairs. “They’re holly bushes. One for me, one for you. I wanted something that was never complete, always growing. Just like us. Something that was beautiful and made things better, like you do for me. And every time we walk through the front door, here we are. I hope they make you think of me.”

  I loved them. They were perfect, not only because of all the reasons Shea mentioned, but they meant I was home. This was our home, it would always forever be growing and changing, never complete, but always beautiful.

  X whacked Shea on the shoulder, and he only let me see him wince. I hadn’t realized everyone followed us outside. “Who knew you had it in you?”

  “That’s the most romantic thing I ever heard,” Trina said, nuzzling against Shadow for a kiss.

  Shea ignored everyone but me. He took my face in his hands. “How do you say I love you in sign language?”

  I went up on my tiptoes and kissed him.

  We didn’t need words, we just needed each other.

  The Shift

  Delaney

  I never wanted Christmas to end, well, Christmas Eve. Technically I guess I never wanted Christmas to come. Today was the best day of my life.

  Emma’s nanny, Connie, had joined us, loaded with presents. Mostly for Emma, but she had a little something for everyone. Even me. The Channings invited their mom to come over, and she brought a huge pan of lasagna and a deck of cards.

  “Watch out for this one,” Shadow warned us all, kissing her cheek. “She’s a card shark.”