The Me I Meant to Be

by Sophie Jordan

  I exhaled, suddenly aware that I had only been partially breathing this whole time.

  “Well, that was exciting,” Brianna announced. “Ended a little too quickly, but oh well.”

  I craned my neck, keeping an eye on Grayson as he disappeared into the crowd. I followed, moving through the press of bodies.

  “Flor, where you going?” Brianna stayed close behind me as I circled the vehicles and threaded through the crowd, going around to where I’d last seen Grayson disappear.

  “Do they fight more than once a night?” I asked, wondering if he could have slipped away and left.

  “Sometimes. If they’re popular enough and can still stand after their first fight. Are you trying to meet Duracell? I mean, I know you’re pretty, but he’s got a horde of groupies. He doesn’t give anyone the time of day. Don’t bother.”

  Ignoring her, I kept moving, determined to confront him and find out what the hell he was thinking. He could seriously get hurt.

  A crack appeared in the crowd, and I spotted Grayson collecting money from the tatted guy with the ledger.

  I pushed through the gap. “Grayson!”

  His head snapped up, his dark eyes flaring wide at the sight of me. His skin shimmered with a fine sheen of sweat, and I couldn’t help marveling that I’d thought he’d make a good athlete. How dumb was I? This guy was in killer shape. He was the real thing. So he didn’t wear pads and fight for a ball on a field with a bunch of other guys. No, instead he stripped to the waist and used brute strength against grown men who looked like they ate high school boys for breakfast.

  “You know him?” Brianna whispered at my back. “Why didn’t you say anything? Oh my God, you have to introduce me.”

  The tatted guy looked at me and then back at Grayson, holding the last bit of cash in the air, hesitating before giving it up. “What’d she call you?”

  “Nothing,” Grayson snapped. “You gonna finish paying me my cut or not, Jase?”

  Jase looked at me appraisingly. “You know Duracell here?” he called over to me. Suddenly everyone was looking at me.

  I started to nod and then stopped uncertainly as Grayson leveled a glare at me.

  “Yeah?” Jase pressed. “From where? The marines?”

  “The marines?” I echoed. Why would he think I knew Duracell from the marines? Did he think Duracell was a marine? Ridiculous. Even I was starting to think of him by that name.

  I shook my head.

  Suddenly Grayson was there beside me. He seemed bigger, looming. Shirtless and sweaty. His body was lean and hard, cut with definition. I guess fighting and getting your ass kicked on the weekends did that to a physique. It was like I could smell the pheromones coming off him in waves.

  I met his dark gaze, struggling to reconcile Grayson with Duracell. It was like they were two different people.

  Yes, I had started to think Grayson was attractive. I mean . . . I’d tried to set him up with Willa, and I had thought of kissing him that time. Okay. Yeah. Grayson kind of did it for me, even before this moment.

  But Duracell? He confused the hell out of me. He was sexy hot. One of those dangerous bad boys mothers warned their daughters about. I didn’t need this confusion in my life. I already had enough confusion.

  I stared at him accusingly. “What do you think you’re doing? Trying to get yourself killed? Do your par—”

  He crossed the distance separating us, grabbed my face, and kissed me. Hard. I couldn’t move. Shock rippled through me, even more intense than when I’d first clapped eyes on him here tonight.

  The sounds and voices around me drowned down to nothing. There was only the pressure of his mouth on mine. The feel of him, the taste, the smell. Heat swelled between us. It was like a force field, only drawing me closer instead of repelling me.

  I didn’t know who he thought he was to kiss me like this, or what point he was making. I should shove him away.

  But that’s not what I did.

  My hands crept up his chest and circled his neck. I didn’t even care that his skin was damp with sweat. I only wanted more of his drugging mouth. More of his skin and strong body. I’d kissed my share of boys before. Nothing, not even Zach, had affected me like this.

  I broke.

  Lifting up on my tiptoes, I kissed him back hungrily. It was impossible not to respond. I opened my mouth to him. His tongue swept inside and touched mine. At that first stroke something busted loose inside me. A shudder racked me. I tasted him back.

  He tore away with a ragged breath. Staring down at me, his dark eyes mirrored my astonishment.

  “Sooo you two know each other,” Brianna asked, dragging me back to reality. Maddie had arrived and stood behind her with her mouth hanging open.

  “Yeah,” Grayson replied, his gaze fixed on me, the astonishment fading, replaced by something inscrutable.

  I couldn’t move. I felt frozen under his stare, exposed. I’d kissed him back in front of all these people.

  He turned and faced Jase, who watched us with keen interest. Snatching the rest of his money from him, Grayson said, “She’s my girlfriend. Just hates to see me fight. That’s all.” He lifted an eyebrow at me, waiting to see if I would contradict his lie.

  I held silent.

  Jase looked me over. “Little young, isn’t she?”

  How old did he think Grayson was?

  Stuffing his money into his back pocket, Grayson said, “She’s older than she looks.”

  Taking my hand, he led me away. The crowd parted for us. It wasn’t anything like when Brianna and I had fought our way through bodies.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” he tossed over his shoulder.

  “My friend brought me.” At the thought of Brianna, I tugged on his hand and turned back around, searching for her.

  I spotted her hopping amid people, waving an arm as she tried to catch a glimpse of me. “I’ll see you at practice, Bri!” I faced him again. “I assume you’re giving me a ride?”

  He grunted and kept walking, pulling me after him, his hand warm and strong around mine.

  Quiet fell around us as we left the throng of people behind and walked out into the field toward the parked cars.

  “You almost blew it for me back there,” he finally said.

  “What does that even mean?”

  “They think I’m Duracell. Not some high school kid.”

  “So? What are you even doing here?”

  He stopped and faced me. “I’ve worked hard to build a rep. They think I’m some hardened ex-marine. That’s how they even let me start fighting. I can’t ruin the illusion now.”

  I shook my head. “This is why you can’t tutor me half the time? So you can get your rocks off fighting?”

  A car started in the distance and headlights flashed across his angry face. His nostrils flared. “I fight because I need the money! Because I don’t have a rich daddy to support me through school.”

  “You’re going to get a scholarship.”

  “God.” He made a sound of disgust. “You’re such a special snowflake if you think that will solve everything.”

  “Don’t talk to me like that.” Like I was so privileged I didn’t know anything. Like I was stupid. “There has to be a better way to earn money than this.”

  “Nothing that pays so well. And I have two younger sisters. They get a roof over their head and that’s it.” He pounded his chest once. “If they need anything else to make their lives even remotely bearable with our old man, then it falls on me to get it for them.”

  I stared at him. Seeing him fully for the first time. “They’re lucky to have you . . . but I doubt they’d want you hurting yourself for them.”

  He inhaled sharply. “Don’t worry. It’s fine. I’m good at it. I know how to fight and I know how to get my ass kicked and get up again.”

  I could only stare at him in all his righteous glory as he crossed his arms over his chest. Stare at him and remember that kiss from a few moments ago. My lips still burned. My t
ongue still tasted him.

  His gaze dropped to my mouth, and something told me that he was thinking about it too. I held my breath, waiting. Waiting for what, I didn’t know. Not another kiss. That would be weird. Wrong.

  Once was a mistake. Twice was . . . something else.

  The air crackled all around us.

  “Why did you kiss me?” I blurted, even though I pretty much knew why.

  “I needed to stop you from talking. It seemed the thing to do.”

  The thing to do. There had been nothing else to it for him, then? “You did a good job making it look real.”

  “It needed to look real.” Matter-of-fact. No emotion. His dark eyes were as unfathomable as ever.

  I wanted to point out that he hadn’t needed to kiss me so thoroughly. Or stick his tongue in my mouth . . . but then he might counter that I had been fully into it, kissing him back. I could do without that embarrassing reminder.

  “C’mon, princess. I’ll take you home. Back to your world.”

  He walked ahead, letting go of my hand, no longer pretending we were something for the benefit of Jase or Duracell’s adoring fans.

  I stared at the back of him, my fingers brushing the inside of my palm, still feeling the warmth and pressure of him there. His figure faded into a hazy shape ahead of me, swallowed up in the night.

  Shaking my head, I hurried ahead before I lost track of him.

  GIRL CODE #25:

  Lots of friends like the same things, but best friends hate the same things.

  Willa

  THEY called Mom.

  I didn’t think anything could be more mortifying than being discovered topless by a police officer, but having that same officer tell my mother that she had found me topless with a boy was definitely more mortifying.

  The amusing thing was that the female officer didn’t give a flying fig about whether or not Zach was the star kicker of Madison High School. There was a second officer who had remained in the car. She emerged and issued Zach and me citations for public lewdness while the first officer called and spoke to my mother.

  Apparently neither one was a fan of local football. I could tell by Zach’s expression that this came as some shock to him. For the first time, the town golden boy didn’t get a pass. It would almost have been laughable if it weren’t so embarrassing. If Mom weren’t looking at me like she was so ashamed of me.

  The officer handed my mother my citation. Mom glanced down at it and scowled, doubtlessly seeing the fine amount. God. This would have to happen when money was tight.

  “Thank you, Officer,” my mother said grimly but still ever polite. “This will never happen again.”

  Just then a car honked as it drove past the library parking lot. It moved at a snail’s pace, the brake lights bright red in the night. Several faces peered out from open windows.

  “Hey, Zach!” the driver called, his gaze sweeping over us. All of us. Zach, me, Mom, and the cops. I tensed. Great. Further public humiliation. Witnesses to my fall from grace.

  “Hey, Willa!” a girl called from the back seat.

  I squinted at her, recognizing Sydney from orchestra. I stared after them for a moment as the car drove away, the pit of my stomach knotting.

  Great. Who knew what the rumors were going to be now that they’d seen us with these cops?

  I stood with Zach and Mom as the two officers settled back into their cruiser and drove away, leaving us alone.

  I inhaled a shaky breath. “Mom—”

  “In the car, Willa.”

  “Mrs. Evans,” Zach began.

  “Not a word, Zach. I don’t quite know what to think of you right now. I always thought you were a nice boy and someone I could trust with my daughter. I see now I will have to reevaluate my opinion.”

  “Mom,” I whispered. “That’s not fair.”

  Her gaze swerved back to me. “Fair?” The word flayed me like a whip. “I don’t think you want to discuss what’s fair with me right now, Willa. Now just get in the car.”

  Not long ago I was making out with Zach and now I was being lectured by my mother. How did I get here?

  Hanging my head, I moved around to the passenger side of the car, not glancing at Zach again. I’d never seen Mom look at me the way she was now. It crushed me, and I couldn’t bring myself to meet Zach’s eyes while my own mother was glaring at me like I was such a disappointment. Something substandard. An unwanted daughter.

  I felt his intense scrutiny as I buckled my seat belt, but I stared resolutely ahead. I didn’t want to see what I was sure would be pity in his eyes.

  When we got home, Chloe was there in the living room, waiting.

  “Well?” she demanded.

  “She was with Zach.” Mom dropped her purse on the table by the door with a sigh. I hated that sigh. Hated that it was because of me. That I was just one more stress in her life.

  Chloe snorted. “Course. Should have figured it was that guy she would be making out with.” She looked at me. “You two have been eye-fucking for years.”

  “Chloe!” Mom reprimanded.

  “That’s not true,” I snapped, certain Chloe didn’t know what she was talking about. I was the one infatuated with Zach for all these years. It had very much been one-sided. Until now.

  I wasn’t sure what now was. Other than wrong. Now was wrong. I knew that.

  Chloe kept going, all the bitterness and ugliness festering inside her spilling out and landing onto me. “I don’t know why, though. It’s not as though you’re his type. Cheerleaders and girls like Flor are his type. You? You he’ll just use and forget.” She looked me up and down and her lips curled back in a sneer. “You don’t think he’s in love with you, do you? God, you’re not in love with him, are you?”

  “No!” I denied. “I’m not.”

  She snorted and shook her head. “You so are. Pathetic.”

  It was like she knew just what to say, the precise words to wound me.

  I blinked eyes that suddenly burned.

  “Chloe,” Mom said in a warning voice. The kind of tone she used when we might have filched one too many cookies. It was like she didn’t really care. Didn’t care how mean and nasty Chloe was being to me, because she thought I deserved it.

  And maybe I did.

  My sister propped her hands on her hips and stalked closer to me. “And what about Flor? Your best friend? Does she know you’re banging his ex?”

  “Chloe!” There was Mom again, all outrage. I still couldn’t help feeling it was more instinctive, more habit and not genuine.

  “What?” Chloe glanced at Mom and shrugged. “It’s true, Mom. She just got caught in the act. I hope you have her on the pill. You better take her to Dr. Halloway. If you don’t, you’re gonna have two grandbabies to take care of.”

  I balled my hands into fists at my sides. “Shut up!” I shouted.

  Mom and Chloe both stared at me in shock.

  “Considering I probably spend the most time out of the three of us taking care of Mia, you can just shut your mouth, Chloe.”

  Chloe sputtered, angry splotches of red breaking out over her face. “I stay home all day with her.”

  “And keep her in the playpen while you sleep, out cold from whatever pills you’re popping!” I turned on Mom next. Since I was being honest, I might as well go all the way. “And you just go to work. I haven’t quite figured out if you’re just blind or indifferent to it. Either way, you’re enabling her!” I stabbed a finger at Chloe.

  Now Mom gaped at me.

  “I’m almost eighteen,” I said, my voice coming out calmer. “You could both cut me a break. I made a mistake. One mistake. I’ve never given you any trouble before. I make good grades and I’m busting my butt to get myself to college as cheaply as possible. I’ve never given you a reason to treat me like an irresponsible kid.”

  “Before tonight, you mean,” Mom said evenly, holding up the citation between two fingers. “Any idea how much this costs?”

  “It won’t happen
again. It was a mistake,” I repeated, nodding. “I’ll pay for it with my summer money.”

  “That money is supposed to be for your college savings.”

  I stared at the slip of paper in her hand, my sense of doom deepening. The citation would be a matter of public record, at least initially. And with all the gossips out there listening to police scanners? People probably already knew about it. I’d be lucky if it didn’t get out at school.

  God. Flor could find out. I could lose her. She’d hate me.

  I rubbed my forehead where it was starting to throb.

  It wasn’t worth it. Not for something that didn’t mean anything. My sister was right. As much as it hurt to hear her say the words. I wasn’t Zach’s type. He deserved girls who looked like Flor. Cheerleaders. Not a cellist. I didn’t think he would set out to hurt me, but that would be the end result. He’d dump me like he did Flor.

  Tonight was just some freak anomaly. A reaction to our longtime exposure to each other. It was physical attraction. Nothing more.

  An experiment. That was what Zach had called it.

  It wouldn’t last. If I did this, if I let it happen, this thing between us would run its course and die. Zach would then find a girl more suited to him. Someone pretty and popular. Someone not me.

  And then I’d be left with no one. Not Zach. And not Flor.

  I couldn’t risk it. Couldn’t be so stupid to risk that.

  “It’s late,” Mom announced, looking as tired as I felt. “We’ll talk about this after I talk to your father.”

  The disappointment in her voice stung. Nodding, I turned and hurried upstairs, escaping into my room, shutting the door behind me—​wishing I could shut out the world just as effectively.

  But it wasn’t to be.

  My door flung open, and my sister strode inside, closing it with a hard crack after her.

  “Ever heard of knocking?” I snapped.

  She squared off in the middle of my room, hands on her hips. “You think I like being this way? Living this life?”

  I sat up on my bed, staring at my sister for a moment, unsure how to respond.