The Me I Meant to Be

by Sophie Jordan

  Chloe continued, “I mean, you think I get off living at home with my parents? I can’t even take care of my own daughter without help. Oh, and it’s awesome knowing both my mother and sister are better parents to her than I am.” Her face screwed up tight with bitterness.

  “Well,” I snapped, “then do something about it. If you don’t like it, change.” I waved a hand at her. “Help yourself!”

  “‘Help yourself,’” she mimicked. “That’s hilarious coming from you. You’ve been pining for a boy you’re never going to get, but I don’t see you helping yourself. No, you’re letting him use you.”

  “At least I’m not the world’s worst mother!”

  She closed her eyes in a long blink, inhaling through her nose. “I know it doesn’t look like I am . . . but I am trying.”

  I stared at her in disbelief. “You’re right. It doesn’t look like it.”

  “I’m working on it. Today was actually better than most,” she admitted. “When I woke up, I didn’t cry. Usually the first thing I do in the morning is cry. I look to the left of me and I realize Braden isn’t there. I realize I’m all alone in bed. Then I remember everything. I remember everything that happened. I see his face when he said he didn’t love me anymore . . . when he said he probably never really had.”

  I flinched. For the first time I thought about how awful that must have felt. How crushing. She’d never talked to me about what happened. I knew what happened, of course—​my mother had told me the night Chloe and Mia showed up on our doorstep. I knew . . . but I had never really heard the words come out of Chloe before. This was different. It was different hearing the words from her. It was hard seeing the pain gleaming in her eyes. Looking at her, I imagined I could feel that pain too. I guess that was love. Because when the people you loved were hurting, you hurt too. I sighed. Damn it. She was my sister. Of course I loved her.

  I shook my head in anger.

  And for a change this anger wasn’t directed at Chloe. It was the kind of anger I should have felt before, if I was any kind of a sister.

  “That asshole,” I growled. “I hope he gets a taste of his own medicine. I hope one day he wakes up and whatever her name is—”

  “Dolores,” she supplied, a faint smile playing on her mouth.

  “I hope Dolores,” I readily echoed, nodding savagely, “dumps his ass and leaves him. Then he’ll know how it feels.” Breathing heavily, I stared at her in a rare moment of camaraderie.

  Then something she said clicked.

  I angled my head. “Dolores? Really? That’s her name?”

  She busted out in sudden laughter. “Right? It’s like she’s fifty-five years old or something.”

  I joined her, laughing until my sides hurt. “Sixty-five, at least.”

  When we both finally stopped laughing, we stared at each other for a long moment.

  In the quiet aftermath Chloe whispered, so softly I had to lean in to hear her, “I am trying. It may not seem like it, but I’m finding my way. I want to be a good mom. I want to be happy.”

  “Maybe you need help,” I suggested. “Maybe you can’t find your way alone.” Gazing at her, I conveyed the full weight of my meaning. I wasn’t talking about babysitting help for her daughter. She needed the kind of help Mom and I couldn’t get her.

  “Yeah.” She nodded. “I should probably see someone.”

  We both understood we were talking about therapy. My chest loosened. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe easier. “That’s a great plan.”

  She nodded. After several moments she smiled at me. “I can’t believe you got busted making out by a cop!” She nudged me in the shoulder with a giggle. “And you were supposed to be the good one.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shrugged. “Yeah. I was supposed to be.”

  GIRL CODE #26:

  Real friends won’t listen to rumors.

  Flor

  I woke up late and then lay in my bed for several moments.

  The memory of last night flooded me. In addition to being the smartest guy I knew, Grayson was a fighter in an underground fight club. In addition to that, he had a body that wouldn’t quit and a mouth that could kiss you until you saw stars. Oh, and he was beyond beyond crazy devoted to his two sisters.

  I let all that spin around in my mind for a while and percolate. The guy fascinated me and launched butterflies in my stomach. And he was coming over today. He was going to be alone with me in this very room.

  I bounced up from my bed and reached for my phone to call Willa, excitement thrumming in my blood. I had to tell her about Grayson. I knew I could trust her to keep his secret. The phone rang for several moments before going to voicemail. With a grunt I flung it down on the bed and collapsed onto my back in the covers with a groan.

  I spent the rest of the day working on homework and trying not to stare at the time, anxious for when Grayson would get here.

  Later in the afternoon, I got a text from Jenna. Did you hear about Willa?

  Frowning, I replied back. No. What’s wrong?

  Heard she got in trouble. Someone saw her w/Zach last night. They were w/cops.

  What did that even mean? And why was Willa out with Zach? She’d said she was staying in last night. My fingers flew over my phone. They were with cops??? Where?

  Don’t know. In a parking lot somewhere.

  In a parking lot? I shook my head. Well, if she’d gotten into trouble, that maybe explained why she wasn’t answering her phone. I tapped on her name and sent her a quick text just in case. Hey. Everything ok??? Worried about you.

  I went back to texting Jenna then. I was in the middle of asking her where she’d gotten her info from when my phone suddenly started ringing. Willa’s face popped up on my screen. The photo was from a sleepover we had a year ago. She was making a crazy face and there was chocolate syrup on her nose from the sundaes we’d made.

  I accepted the call and hit speaker. I wasn’t a fan of burning-hot phones against my ear. “Hey, what’s going on?”

  Willa’s voice floated on the air in a tinny whisper. She sounded like she was buried under a mound of bedcovers. “Hey, I can’t talk. I’m grounded. Mom doesn’t know I have my phone.”

  “What happened?”

  “Zach and I ran out for some ice cream and we, er . . . got a ticket.”

  “Ohhh.” I nodded. That made sense. Except . . . “You mean he got a ticket? He was the one driving, right? And why are you grounded? What did you do that was so wrong?” I felt suddenly angry on her behalf. Her mom expected so much from her, but put up with everything from Chloe.

  “Um, I’ll explain it all later. I just wanted to let you know,” she said in a rush of whispered words.

  “Okay,” I murmured, not really understanding. There was definitely something weird in Willa’s voice. “You sure you’re all right?”

  “Just . . . I . . . I’ll explain everything at school tomorrow. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I repeated, a little unnerved by her cryptic answer. I hoped things were okay at home.

  “Love you, Flor.” There was just her breathing between us, but she was still there. She hadn’t hung up yet. “See you before first period, okay?”

  “Yes. Love you too, Wills.”

  Hanging up, I stared down at the phone in my hand for a while, wondering at the strangeness of that call. Something was definitely wrong. I hoped it wasn’t anything with her parents. Or her sister. Chloe could be a real bitch.

  I missed my Wills. We were overdue for a good girls night. And I couldn’t wait to tell her about Grayson. A smile spread over my face and it felt good. I hadn’t been smiling much these days. I knew it. I wanted that to change. I remembered what Grayson had told me. You don’t like your life? Then make the life you want for yourself.

  He was right.

  I touched my mouth, fingers playing over my lips as I remembered that kiss. The rest of the afternoon dragged. I tidied my room, remembering how he’d said it was messy last time.

  My fathe
r sent him upstairs when he arrived.

  “Hey,” I said, feeling kind of shy as he stepped inside. Which was weird in itself. I wasn’t shy.

  The last time he’d been in my room there hadn’t been that kiss between us. Now it was there. This great big shadow that stretched over everything in the room.

  “Hey,” he returned.

  I motioned to the desk. “I cleared everything off it.”

  “I didn’t mind sitting on the floor with you.”

  My heart leapt a little like that meant something. I needed to relax. I was one step from hyperventilating.

  “Well, I thought now we could be civilized and sit in chairs.” I grinned like I’d made a joke.

  Was it my imagination or did he look nervous too? He stood in the center of my room, fingers wrapped around the strap of his backpack.

  I motioned to a chair, and his tall body crossed over to it in two long strides. We sat at the desk and started on my homework.

  We didn’t talk about last night. Not the fight. Not the kiss. Somehow we worked steadily for an hour. We were well-behaved children. I was a good girl pretending like my heart wasn’t hammering away and my hormones weren’t on fire for this boy.

  At five minutes past, I cleared my throat and spoke up. “Hour’s up.”

  He glanced at the time on his phone. “Oh. Okay.” He leaned back in his chair. “You think you got this?”

  I nodded and studied him, my gaze tracing over his profile. It was hard . . . not looking at him and feeling something now. Not loving the look of him. “You always make it seem easy.” I shut my laptop and tucked my review packet back in my binder.

  An awkward silence fell. My gaze drifted to where his hand rested on my desk. I reached out and touched his reddened knuckles, my fingers brushing over the raw flesh. “I guess I know now why your knuckles always look like this.”

  “Yeah,” he murmured, the word thick and rough on the air.

  I frowned. “I hate that you get hurt.” I let my smaller hand cover his, keeping it there for a moment, not thinking, just enjoying the skin-to-skin contact, however minor it was. He didn’t move, but I felt his gaze on me. I couldn’t bring myself to look up.

  I withdrew my hand on an exhale. Don’t look so desperate, Flor.

  I led him downstairs. Dad and Dana were somewhere else, so that was good. At least I didn’t have to run into them.

  I walked with him out the back door onto the patio. I fished his money out of my pocket and stuck it out for him to take.

  He stared down at it, not lifting a hand to accept.

  “Go on.” I nodded, encouraging him. He clearly needed the money. He sacrificed his body every weekend just so he could save up money. “You earned it. Take it.”

  Still he hesitated, and something cracked loose inside me then. He didn’t want my money.

  He didn’t want my money.

  My mind raced. Why? Why wouldn’t he take it?

  “It’s okay. Keep it.” He turned then and headed for the gate.

  Without thinking, I went after him. I grabbed his arm and forced him around. I was breathing fast, my heart lodged in the vicinity of my throat.

  Dark eyes gleamed down at me and I had to know. “Why won’t you take the money?” Was that strangled voice my own?

  A beat passed. He said nothing.

  Then his hand shot out. Warm fingers circled the back of my neck and tugged me forward. I caught a flash of Grayson’s luminescent eyes. He examined me for the briefest moment before dipping his head. Then those lips were on mine again.

  Blood rushed to my ears as we kissed. One hand held my face, his broad palm rasping my cheek, thumb sliding back and forth.

  My lips quivered against him. Almost as though this were the first kiss I’d ever had. And in so many ways, it was. It was nothing like anything before. He made me burn and throb. An exhale passed from my mouth and fluttered against his.

  I gripped his shoulders, my fingers curling and digging into the solidness of him. The warmth of his body seeped into mine. His lips were everything. Heat and pressure and pure goodness slanting over my mouth. The kiss grew hotter: open-mouthed, hungry, starving. A shudder racked me. He had to feel it. My entire body was crumpled against him. We were fused together.

  I forced myself to stop, coming up for air, releasing a shaky breath because it was all so much. I wasn’t going to say too much because that wasn’t true. Not when I wanted more. I stared at him wide-eyed.

  “Night,” he whispered, his heated gaze traveling over my face. “See you at school.”

  “Good night,” I returned. “Yes. See you at school.”

  I wasn’t going to hide the fact that I was into this guy. We might be the most unexpected thing to come out of Madison High School in the history of ever, but that was fine by me. I’d always done the expected, and where had it gotten me?

  He backed away, watching me for a few moments before turning and exiting through the gate and disappearing down my driveway.

  I went back inside my house, feeling lighter and happier than I had in months. I hadn’t felt like this even when Mom lived here. Even when things had been good with Zach. I wore a stupid grin on my face as I walked through the living room, Rowdy trotting at my side.

  “Ah, Flor. Could we have a word with you?”

  I froze, the lightness slipping away like smoke fading on air.

  Dad and Dana entered the living room together from the hall that led to the master bedroom—​the room they now shared.

  “Uh, sure.”

  Dad motioned to one of the couches. “Have a seat.”

  Uh-oh. I had a sinking sensation in my chest as I lowered down onto one of the couches. They sat together, side by side, very much a uniformed front. A team. Why did it have to feel like me versus them?

  I cleared my throat. “What did you want to talk about?”

  “Well.” He shared a look with Dana.

  She smiled at him and gave an encouraging nod, and I knew this couldn’t be good. Not if she was in support of it.

  “I . . . we were thinking how you will be graduating from high school soon and going away to school. You’re practically an adult now.”

  “Practically,” I echoed. I had no idea where this was going, and that only made my uneasiness grow.

  “Sure.” Dad nodded. “Maybe it’s time for you to go ahead and fly from the nest. Why wait until next fall when you can start learning how it is to function on your own now?”

  I dropped my hands to the plush leather couch on either side of my legs. “What are you saying?” It almost sounded like they were kicking me out.

  “Don’t you think it would be fun to have your own place?” This from Dana. She leaned forward, her eyes bright.

  I moistened dry lips. “You want me to live on my own?”

  Dana nodded. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”

  I angled my head sharply and looked at my father. “I’m not even eighteen yet.”

  “The apartment above the garage is very nice. Full kitchen and bath. Small living area where you could entertain your own guests. I think the bathroom is even bigger than the one in your room now. And we can paint it any color you like.”

  I nodded slowly, feeling too nauseous to speak.

  “How’s that sound, sweetheart?” Dad stared at me hopefully.

  He wanted this. He wanted me gone.

  I’d lost my mother. She’d left. She didn’t want me. And now my father didn’t want me either. I was down two for two.

  Why didn’t they want to keep me around?

  I had other friends with helicopter parents. They couldn’t send a text without their mothers reading it. How was this my life?

  I pushed up from the couch, broken, unwanted. “When do you want me to move out?” I stared steadily at my father as I asked this. It was his choice. His decision to get rid of me. He’d have to say it.

  He looked uncertain for a moment, pinned beneath my stare. “Oh, I don’t know—”

 
“You can move next weekend,” Dana interjected.

  Dad blinked, glanced at her, and then looked back at me, nodding. “Next weekend.”

  “I’ll be out this time next week.” Turning, I walked quickly from the living room to the stairs. Once free from their sight, I ran to my room, shut the door, and collapsed against it, sliding down its length to the floor as great sobs racked me.

  I was an orphan.

  GIRL CODE #27:

  Don’t let a pretty outer shell blind you to what’s inside.

  Willa

  I was washing dishes at the sink when I heard a car in the driveway. The dishes were mostly Mia’s juice cups, which Chloe hadn’t gotten around to washing. I rolled my eyes at the thought. As if Chloe ever would. I quickly told myself to think nicer thoughts about my sister. Since we’d had it out last night, things had been okay today. I had to give her a chance.

  At least one relationship in my life didn’t have to be a total mess. I cringed, thinking about my conversation with Flor tomorrow. I’d snuck my phone and risked calling her. Rumors thrived in this town, especially if they had to do with local football heroes. Maybe the full scale of what had happened last night wouldn’t go public. She hadn’t appeared to know anything when we talked. Tomorrow I would come clean. Better she hear it from me than from someone else.

  I finished the last cup before turning to see who was here. I moved to the front hallway and spotted him through the glass panel on the side of the front door and froze.

  What was he doing here?

  He moved with casual grace, his long denim-covered legs bringing him closer. The afternoon sun glinted off his thick head of hair. He was even better-looking in the light of day. It wasn’t fair. Why did rotten things have to come in such pretty packages?

  Shaking my head, I quickly opened the door and stepped out onto the porch before Mom or Chloe could hear the doorbell.

  His steps slowed as his gaze landed on me. “Hey,” he greeted me, his voice as easy and mild as his manner.