The Angel's Song

by Roberta Kagan

  “You really feel that way? You want me to find someone to have an abortion? How am I supposed to do that? Girls die from abortions all the time. Don’t you care about me? Don’t you care what happens to me? Is it over with us? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “I’m saying that I can’t have a girl in my life right now. It would ruin my chances of stardom. You see Caroline I can’t blow this chance.”

  “So, were you lying to me when you said you loved me? When you said…you wanted to marry me?” The tears welled up in her eyes. She could hardly believe what she was hearing.

  “I did love you. But that was before..”

  “Before what?”

  “Before I had a chance to get my hands on the golden goose. This is a once in a life time, Caroline. And for many people it’s just a dream. But for me? Well, it could really happen. I can’t risk it. Not for you, not for anything.”

  Caroline sunk into the chair. She was still holding the phone, but her hand felt frozen and there was silence on the other end.

  “I believed you when you said you loved me, I thought love was more important than anything.” she whispered.

  “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. . But so much has changed, honey. Everything has changed. I just have to go after my dreams. You gotta understand. You know how damn hard it is to break into the music business.”

  “I don’t understand. All I know is you lied to me when you said you loved me, Tommy Terry, and I was dumb enough to believe you.” she said. Then she hung up the phone.

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  Tommy never called back, and he never sent a penny either. It didn’t matter. Caroline would not have considered having an abortion anyway. She was heartbroken. But even more than that, she had no idea how she was going to tell her parents that she was pregnant out of wedlock. Her father would be furious when he found out that she had brought shame upon their family name. She was terrified of what he would say. She heard whispers that her father was a wild boy in his youth and yet Cyrus Hunt was the strictest father in Mudwater Creek. He was also the hardest man to understand.

  Chapter Sixty-Five

  For several days after her call with Tommy, Caroline was unable to go to work. She vomited if she tried to eat, and she couldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time. Her hair grew thin from falling out and her skin was pasty and pale. With dark circles under her eyes, which were red-rimmed from crying, Caroline hardly resembled the pretty teenager from Mudwater Creek. May was so worried that she even broke two dates with Leo and called in sick to work so she would not have to leave Caroline alone.

  May had never seen her cousin in this condition and she wished she could call home and ask her mother what to do. But she promised Caroline she would not tell the family about the pregnancy. And so, her promise forced her to remain silent.

  May had to return to work. She was afraid of losing her job. Besides, if Caroline lost her job the only money coming in would be from May. So May forced herself to leave Caroline and go into work. She was only at the switchboard for a half hour when Leo walked in. His face was clenched and he seemed angry. But May quickly realized that it wasn’t anger or rage that he felt. Leo was hurt.

  “I guess you don’t want to see me anymore?” he said. “You could have given me the consideration of telling me. Breaking dates and not showing up for work is no way to handle your loss of interest.”

  “I’m sorry,” May said. “It’s not that I don’t want to see you anymore. It’s not that at all.”

  “Then what is it?” His voice was defensive.

  “It’s …I can’t tell you.”

  “May, come on. Do you want me to go away? Do you want me out of your life? Because all you have to do is say the word and I’ll walk out that door and never bother you again.”

  “No, Leo. That’s the last thing I want. I really care about you.”

  “Then why don’t you just tell me what it is? You should know that you can tell me anything.”

  She sighed. “I believe you. I do believe I can tell you anything.”

  “I care about you, May. You should realize that by now.”

  “Yes, I do. And I’ll tell you. It’s my cousin. She’s pregnant.”

  Leo nodded. “That’s pretty darn serious,” he said as he sunk down on a chair beside May. He listened while May told him everything that was going on with Caroline.

  “You don’t have to leave her alone so we can go out. I understand how it is when family needs you. I’ll come over tomorrow night and bring dinner for both of you. You should have told me right away, honey. Trust me, I’ll always be with you to help in any way I can.”

  “Oh, Leo, thank you so much for being wonderful. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky to find a fellow like you.”

  He smiled. “We’ll figure this out, May. Don’t you worry.”

  Chapter Sixty-Six

  The following day, true to his word, Leo arrived at dinnertime, bringing with him a fried chicken, a dozen rolls, a pound of coleslaw and a pound of potato salad.

  “This is my cousin, Caroline,” May said as Leo set the bags down on the kitchen table. “Caroline, this is Leo.”

  There was a change in Leo. May was sure of it. It was almost instant. May could not believe what she was seeing. However, it was impossible not to see the attraction in Leo’s eyes as he gazed at Caroline, who hardly looked her best but was still unmistakably beautiful. May never considered that this might happen. She was quite sure that Caroline would never be interested in a man who looked like Leo. She was used to handsome men and May knew her well enough to know that she would not find Leo handsome. But still, even though Leo had not been in control of his reaction to Caroline’s beauty, it felt like a betrayal on his part. May was hurt.

  “Why don’t we all eat?” May asked.

  “Thank you for bringing dinner for all of us. You didn’t have to include me,” Caroline said.

  “But of course. May told me that you’ve been feeling ill and I wanted to see her, so I came over.”

  “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you, Leo. May speaks highly of you.” Caroline tried to keep up a good front. She forced herself to smile but she was broken inside. She constantly wiped tears from the corners of her eyes before they fell. Somehow, her tragic circumstances made her even more alluring.

  “Sure. It’s nice to meet you too. May has said lots of nice things about you as well.” Leo was stuttering. He could not take his eyes off Caroline with her long slender limbs and her high cheekbones.

  The three of them sat at the kitchen table. Caroline got down three plates. May laid the silverware beside each plate and they began eating.

  “If you girls need anything. I mean like sometimes you might need something fixed. You can always call on me,” Leo said trying to make conversation. “I guess that was a stupid thing to say. I’ve never been one to know how to be charming.” He shrugged his shoulders. “But I guess what I am saying is, I’ll be here to help you both out, no matter what you need.”

  May tried to smile but she could see that Leo had stopped looking at her. Caroline had his complete attention.

  “We should all go out some night. Maybe we could have dinner, take in a movie. What do you say?” he asked again, trying to find things to talk about.

  “Sure,” May said.

  Caroline just managed to give him a sad smile.

  The conversation that night was awkward and uncomfortable. Caroline hardly ate anything and even worse, when she went to bed, instead of cuddling on the sofa with May, Leo claimed he had a headache and left. May was concerned. In the past, he always wanted to sit and talk with her, holding her hands and smooching occasionally. But not tonight.

  After Leo left, May got undressed and climbed into bed. Caroline was asleep, but May couldn’t rest. She just watched the wind blow the tree branches outside the bedroom window and said a prayer to God that Leo would go back to the way he was before he met Caroline.

  Coming to the house
for dinner each night became a habit for Leo. He always brought food and, as the weeks passed, Caroline began to relax around him and talk to him like a brother. Leo changed light bulbs. He fixed a closet door. He constantly found ways to make himself useful.

  May felt herself fading into the background as she had all of her life. Her soft, gentle light always dimmed in the presence of Caroline’s light, which was as bright as the sun. It hurt her deeply to watch Leo falling for Caroline. But what was worse was her fear that Caroline was falling for Leo too. It wasn’t because he was handsome or special in any way. May knew it was because Caroline was afraid and desperate and Leo was kind and comfortable, like a warm soft blanket on a cold winter night. However, May refused to believe that her cousin would take her only boyfriend. She knew that if she ever had the chance to take a boy away from Caroline, she would never do it. Not that she believed anyone would ever prefer her over Caroline. But still, if the opportunity ever presented itself, she could guarantee that she would never do it.

  Chapter Sixty-Seven

  That Saturday while May was at work, Caroline lay in bed trying to sleep. It was well past midnight. She tried to clear her mind and get some rest but it was impossible to forget that in nine months she would have a child out of wedlock, her parents would find out, and Tommy was nowhere to be found. Tossing and turning in bed, she thought she caught a whiff of Tommy’s hair cream on the pillowcase. Even though she washed it, somehow the smell was still there. It brought back memories of lying beside Tommy in that very bed. She could still hear his voice heavy with passion as he promised to love her forever.

  Where is he now? she thought. Is he in bed with another girl in some town far away from here? Has he forgotten everything we shared? How is that even possible? We loved each other so deeply. At least I thought we did.

  Caroline heard a knock on the door. It was very late. Who would be knocking on her door so late at night? Could it be Tommy? Her heart fluttered as she jumped out of bed and tossed on her robe to cover her flimsy nightgown, hoping against all odds that it was Tommy and he had come back. Could it be that he had a change of heart? She ran to the door, flinging it open. There stood Leo holding a bunch of gerbera daisies.

  “Hi,” he said. “I know it’s the middle of the night and I probably woke you up. But … can I come in?”

  “Sure, but May’s not here. She’s working tonight.”

  “I know. She works on the weekend. I’m off. I wanted to come over when she wasn’t here. Caroline, I came to see you.”

  “Me? Why?”

  Leo walked inside and handed the flowers to Caroline who looked at him, puzzled. She held the flowers in one hand and tightened her cotton robe around her with the other.

  “I want to talk to you,” he said.

  “Sure. Sit down. Can I get you a soda or something?”

  “No, thanks,” he said. “I’ve come to talk to you about something, and I don’t even know how to begin.”

  “Is it about May? Is something wrong?”

  “No, it’s about you.”

  “Me?”

  “Caroline. I don’t know how to say this. I feel like a fool. But I’ve never met anyone like you. I am sure I’m in love with you. It’s not that I don’t care for May. I certainly don’t want to hurt her. But, you see, I have never felt this way about anyone else in my entire life.”

  “I don’t know what to say. You’re May’s boyfriend …”

  “I know that you are pregnant and you can’t tell your parents and you don’t know what to do.”

  “May told you?” She was suddenly angry. “She promised me that she would keep it a secret.”

  “Yes, but don’t blame her, please. She always has your best interest at heart.”

  Caroline shook her head. “She promised.”

  “I know. But Caroline, listen to me … I have a solution. Please, just hear me out.”

  Caroline wrapped her arms around her chest. She was fuming.

  How could May have told him? She broke our trust. Why would she do that? And what did he mean he was in love with her? Boy oh boy, this was one heck of a mess.

  “Marry me,” he said. “You won’t have to face the stigma of being a single mother. No one will know that you got pregnant before we were married. You and I both know that society makes life damn hard for a woman who has a kid out of wedlock. You know you would be hard pressed to keep any kind of job once you start to show. But if you and me are married, you won’t lose your job. You can tell everyone, including your family, that we’ve been secretly married for … let’s say, six months? That way you would have gotten pregnant after we were married. Think about it. You’d have a husband. You’d be respectable. Your parents would be excited to be having a grandchild instead of talking about disowning you.”

  “Marry you? Does May know you are proposing to me?” She was shocked.

  “Not yet. She doesn’t know how I feel about you. I haven’t had the heart to tell her.”

  “She’ll be hurt. Very hurt. She cares for you.”

  “And I care for her. But not the way I care for you. I love you. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. May and I were dating but it was never like this for me. Not with May, not with anyone, until I met you. A fella can’t just disregard feelings like this. Love like this comes once in a lifetime. And I seriously doubt that May feels this way about me either. She likes me, but love? I don’t think so.”

  “I think you’re wrong about that,” Caroline said. “I think she has deep feelings for you. I believe she loves you.”

  “I’ll never marry her. I can’t, not when I feel the way I do about you.”

  Caroline shook her head. She was drowning in her situation. She was desperate for a lifeline. It was true. If she didn’t have a husband, her life would take a terrible turn. Every day she was slipping deeper and deeper under water. And today, Leo brought her a life preserver. She liked him a lot but more as a brother then a lover.

  Now he’d given her a choice, and if she chose to save herself she would have to let May drown. One of them would have to be hurt in order for the other to be saved. She would have to look the other way while May cried because she stole her first and only beau. However, given Caroline’s present circumstances, there weren’t many choices. There was no other man willing to marry Caroline and give her bastard child his name. Only this short, chubby, balding man. Only this man, Leo Henson, whom May loved.

  “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Leo.”

  “What are your other options? You’ve been too sick to keep working steadily. Are you going to go to a home for unwed mothers? Do you know what they do to women in those places? I’ve heard that they are a living hell. Or are you going to have a backstreet abortion where you could easily bleed to death? Now I know I’m not the most handsome fellow, and I don’t earn a ton of money either. But I can support you well enough to give you and the baby a place to live and food in your belly. My name will give you respectability. And I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. I know you sort of like me. I can tell.”

  She felt sick like she might vomit.

  It’s 1952 and women are still second-class citizens. We might have the vote, but there is still a heavy stigma on a woman who has a baby without being married. Leo’s right. The world will turn it’s back on me as sure as I am sitting here. I will be an outcast for the rest of my life. People will look down on my child too as if it’s the baby’s fault. And, with a child out of wedlock, no man will ever take me seriously. I’ll be looked at like the kind of girl that a fellow can have fun with but never marry. Oh, Tommy, how could you do this to me? I loved you. I trusted you. Now, my choices are to destroy myself or to crush the person who has been my best friend for my entire life.

  Caroline got up from the sofa. She walked over to the kitchen counter and took a swig from the wine bottle, wishing it were whiskey. She wanted to tell Leo to get out of her house. She wanted to tell him that she would rather face a firing squad than
turn on May. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. Caroline knew the truth. She was a coward. She couldn’t face the world and stand up to what she had done.

  I am not as strong as little May. Her disability has forced her to be strong all of her life. May knows how to carry the weight of the world on her tiny shoulders, but I don’t. I have always been a golden child. Everyone loved me. I was the perfect and most beautiful girl in school. I could do no wrong. Oh dear God, please forgive me for what I am about to do.

  And so … she bit her lower lip until she tasted blood. Then she turned towards Leo and said, “Let’s do it tomorrow. We can get married by a justice of the peace. After we’re married, we’ll have to tell May.”

  “We’ll tell her together.”

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  The following morning as May lay asleep in her bed, Caroline got up and dressed. She couldn’t look at May. Instead, she went into the kitchen but she couldn’t bear to eat a thing, not even drink a cup of coffee. If she did, she was sure she would vomit. Quietly, so as not to disturb May, she took her handbag and walked out of the apartment.

  Outside it was raining hard. The sky was a bitter dark gray. She pulled her coat over her head as bolts of silver lightning flashed warnings every few minutes as if they were trying to send her signals. She ignored them. Leo was standing outside the courthouse under an awning trying to stay dry.

  “Terrible weather,” he said.

  “Appropriate,” she moaned. “Are you ready?”

  “I am,” he said. “You?”

  “Yes, as ready as I’ll ever be.”

  “Then let’s get married.”

  It was like a dream, no, more like a nightmare. Caroline went through the motions. She signed the papers and promised to love honor and cherish Leo Henson for the rest of her life. He slid the thin gold band that he purchased onto her finger. She forced a smile.

  “It will be all right. May will be upset at first, but she’ll forgive you. You’ll see.”