The Angel's Song

by Roberta Kagan

  The worst of it was that Caroline believed that May would forgive her but she felt she was undeserving of that forgiveness.

  “Do you want to go and have brunch to celebrate?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “No.”

  When they got back to the apartment, May was just getting out of bed.

  “Caroline, where have you been? Are you all right? Is she all right, Leo? You’re soaked. Where were you two? Leo, what are you doing here? Will you two tell me what the heck is going on?”

  Caroline shook her head.

  “Here sit down. You’re soaked,” May said. “Let me get you a blanket.” May helped Caroline take off her coat. She pulled the blanket from the bed and covered Caroline. “What’s going on? Please tell me. Were you two at a doctor’s office? Or? OH MY GOD, Caroline…you didn’t? You didn’t go and have it fixed did you?” May’s eyes were wide with worry.

  “No,” Caroline said. “I did something worse. Something terrible, May. Something so bad that you will probably hate me until I die.”

  “I could never hate you. What did you do?”

  “I married Leo.”

  May’s hand rushed to cover her mouth. She was trembling. “What?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. You could get back at me and tell my parents the truth about the pregnancy if you want to. I deserve it.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say,” May stammered. “You two are married?”

  “Yes,” Leo nodded. “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh my God!” May stood up. “I have to go. I have to leave here forever.”

  “But where will you go? Home?” Caroline asked.

  May shrugged. “I don’t know. I just know I have to leave this apartment. I have to get away from both of you. And … don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, Caroline. I won’t tell our parents. You’ve hurt me but I could never hate you. I just never want to see you again as long as I live.”

  Caroline burst into tears but May didn’t say another word. She went into the bedroom and packed her bags. Then without saying goodbye or looking at Caroline or Leo, she walked out the door. Caroline ran to the window and watched May walk through the rain towards the bus station. Then when May was out of sight, Caroline slumped into a chair and wept.

  Chapter Sixty-Nine

  Nashville, Tennessee 1960

  Caroline held her eight-year-old daughter’s hand as she walked her to school.

  “Did you remember your homework, Bonnie?” she asked.

  “Yes, Mom. I have it.”

  “Good girl. I might be late picking you up today. But I will try to get here as soon as I can. I have a doctor’s appointment at two this afternoon. I couldn’t get an earlier one. So if I am not here when school lets out, ask if you can wait in the principal’s office. I’ll come in and get you as soon as I can.”

  “All right, Mommie.”

  Bonnie skipped away. Caroline watched her and thought about May. Bonnie had the same condition, a form of dwarfism. It made Caroline think of May every time she looked at her daughter. She and May had not spoken since the day Caroline and Leo were married. But Caroline knew everything that May was doing because her mother told her. She knew that May had gone to the University of Tennessee and was now living in New York City and working as a veterinarian. She also knew that May was married. In fact, she rejoiced on the day of May’s wedding. She was happy to know that her cousin found the love of her life at last.

  When Cyrus passed away after a three-month battle with pancreatic cancer, Caroline returned to Mudwater Creek, hoping to see May there. But May did not come. That was two years ago. Caroline was happy to see her mother but she regretted not coming to see her father when he was alive. It was a good visit, even so. Caroline and Ashlyn had a long and very revealing conversation. As they watched six-year-old Bonnie playing on the floor, Ashlyn revealed a truth that struck Caroline like an arrow in the heart.

  “Viola never wanted us to tell you this, but you and May were more than cousins. Cyrus was Viola’s father, and he was your father.”

  “I thought Aiden was her father?”

  “Nope. Alice got pregnant by Cyrus and then Aiden stepped in and married her.”

  “Really? So if paw was such a bad boy in his youth, why was he so hard on me?”

  “Because he didn’t want you to go through all the things he went through. He thought he could protect you from life. Of course, he couldn’t.”

  “Since we’re sharing secrets … Leo wasn’t Bonnie’s father. Bonnie’s father was a boy I met in Nashville. You might have heard of him. His name is Tommy Terry.”

  “He’s kind of famous, isn’t he? You know I have a radio that I bought a few years back and I am pretty sure I have heard some of his songs.”

  “Yes, you have.”

  “Does he know he has a child?”

  “Nope, he disappeared from our lives before she was born. He wanted his career and we got in the way.”

  “Oh gosh, honey.”

  “Yes, it was terrible. That was why I married Leo.”

  “The divorce was rough on you.”

  “It was but Leo and I were never meant for each other anyway. I never really loved him. I married him to avoid being shamed for having a baby without being married.”

  “You should have come to me.”

  “You’re right. I should have. You’ve always been a wonderful mother to me. You would have helped me.”

  “I would have tried. But it’s all water under the bridge now. However, there is something else I should tell you.”

  “Go ahead, it seems to be a good time for truth-telling.”

  “Well, I sure hope you can forgive me for this. But I am not your real mother.”

  “What?” Caroline stammered. “You’re not? You never told me. Who is my mother? Do I know her?”

  “No. Your mother was a beautiful redhead, just like you. She died in a hurricane in the Florida Keys before your father and I got married. When I saw you for the first time, you were only a few days old. I fell in love with you instantly. I was too old to have children and you were a blessing that God sent to me.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter who gave birth to me, because you have been the best mother any girl could have.”

  “Aww, honey, I tried. Thanks for saying that. I made mistakes. Everyone does but one thing I can tell you is that I always loved you.”

  “So, May and I are sort of like half-sisters?”

  “Yes, I guess that’s right. Cyrus, your paw, was her grandfather. I’m not quite sure what you would call that relationship.”

  “That makes sense though,” Caroline said. “I guess that is why dwarfism is in my gene pool and why Bonnie has it.”

  “I suppose it is,” Ashlyn said.

  It was eye-opening, but it didn’t change anything. Caroline left loving Ashlyn even more than she ever had. But she was also feeling miserable that May did not even come for the funeral. However, in all honesty, Caroline never expected her to.

  There were countless times over the past eight years when Caroline wished she could talk to May. When Bonnie was born it was May, not Leo, she wished were by her side. Then when Leo got hurt at work and started drinking to excess, she would have liked to have picked up the phone and called May. And as she stood in court during her messy divorce from Leo, she thought of May and how much she needed her.

  Then there was the time when Caroline was driving to work and she heard a song playing on the radio. It was a love song that she and Tommy wrote together, but he was singing it. She wondered whom he was thinking of when he said the words “I love you.” It was so painful that she had to pull over and stop her old, used Chevy on the side of the road. His voice sounded good. Very good, she lamented.

  Tommy never contacted her again after that night she called him at the hotel. Did he ever wonder what happened to his child? Did he ever wonder what happened to her? Caroline had no idea. The memories of Tom
my were still hurtful but as time passed, she had learned to live without him. However, she had never gotten over losing May.

  She wished May would communicate with her. But true to her word, May never tried to contact Caroline, and Caroline was afraid to try and call May. She remembered May saying that she never wanted to see her again. And so Caroline went on with her life. She got a job waiting tables and a second job watching children after school for divorced working mothers.

  Life wasn’t easy by any means. More times than she could count, Caroline went without things she needed in order to provide for her daughter. Sometimes she would tell Bonnie she wasn’t hungry because there just wasn’t enough food for both of them. School supplies cost money and Caroline wanted to be sure Bonnie had everything she needed. After all, it was difficult enough for Bonnie in school. She was often teased mercilessly by children who didn’t understand why she was different. So, to compensate, Caroline tried to provide Bonnie with everything that the other children had. The perfect shoes, the perfect skirts, the perfect sweaters. Bonnie had nice clothes, nicer than her mother’s by far but Caroline didn’t care. She loved her daughter and worked tirelessly to give her everything she could.

  After Caroline dropped Bonnie off at school that morning, she went into work for a few hours. She was still working at the same restaurant that she had worked at with Tommy so many years ago. After she finished her shift she drove home, took a quick shower, and headed to the doctor’s office.

  The doctor’s office was at the edge of town. Caroline arrived on time and pulled into the parking lot. She was so tired lately and had gotten so thin. Her coworkers said she was always pale. Money was hard to come by and Caroline wouldn’t have wasted money on a doctor’s appointment had it not been for the constant infections that kept her from going to work. Lately, she was having daily nosebleeds.

  The doctor had sent her for testing the previous week and she was going to see him and receive the results. She hoped the doctor might be able to prescribe a medication that would help her feel better.

  “Mrs. Henson?” the receptionist asked. She was a young woman with shiny dark hair in a bun at the nape of her neck.

  “Yes, ma’am.” Caroline had kept her married name. It was the only good thing she got from her marriage to Leo.

  “Please have a seat and the doctor will be right with you.”

  Caroline sat down. She was breathing heavily.

  How can I be so out of breath from just the short walk from the car to the door?

  A nurse opened the door and called her name. “Caroline Henson.”

  Caroline stood up.

  “Follow me, please.”

  After she was ushered into a white examining room, Caroline was told to change into a hospital gown. She did and then waited.

  “Mrs. Henson?” The doctor knocked on the door.

  “Yes, come in.”

  The doctor was a kindly old man with warm brown eyes and thin white hair that covered the circumference of his shiny bald spot. He took her temperature then listened to her heartbeat.

  “Caroline,” he said, his voice soft and gentle. “You have a blood disease. It’s called leukemia.”

  “Leukemia? Is it serious?”

  “Yes, I am afraid it is.”

  “What will it mean? Am I going to die?” Her voice was filled with panic. “I have a little girl to take care of. I’m only twenty-six, Doctor. What does all of this mean?”

  “Well, it’s not good. But we’ll do what we can to fight it. I certainly haven’t given up on you.” He forced a smile but she was crying.

  “Now,” he said patting her shoulder. “I am going to need to meet with your closest relatives because we will need to try to do a bone marrow transplant. This will require a donor who is a match. There is no guarantee that anyone will be a match but our best chance will be with someone who is related to you.”

  Caroline looked at the doctor in shock. “I have no one to ask,” she said, remembering that Ashlyn was not her birth mother. “No one at all. My parents are both dead.”

  “You are an only child, then?”

  “Yes,” Caroline said but she was thinking of May.

  I can’t call May. I won’t call May.

  “Then we’ll try strangers. Maybe with God’s help, we’ll be lucky and find a match.”

  That night, after she put Bonnie to bed, Caroline wept. She wanted to talk to someone. She felt so lost and alone in all of this but she knew if she told Ashlyn that Ashlyn would tell May. She didn’t want May’s pity. Still, she had no choice but to tell Ashlyn everything so she could take care of Bonnie if she died.

  Ashlyn had only recently installed a phone in her house and she wasn’t used to it ringing. When it did, she looked around for a moment, shocked at the strangeness of the sound. Then she remembered the phone and answered it.

  “Hello?”

  “Mom, it’s me.”

  “Carol. I’m glad to hear from you.”

  “Mom, I have news and it’s not good news.” Caroline was crying from just hearing her mother’s voice. Then she continued, stumbling on the words. “Mom, I’m sick. I’m very sick. And I’m scared.”

  “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  Caroline told Ashlyn everything. When they hung up, Ashlyn packed a small suitcase. She took all the money she and Cyrus had saved over the years. She went to Aiden and Alice and told them where she was going and why. They both insisted that Ashlyn take all of their savings too, in case Caroline needed it. Ashlyn would normally have refused but she didn’t know what Caroline was going to need so she took the money, grateful for the wonderful family she had. And by eight o’clock that night, Ashlyn was on a bus headed to Nashville.

  Chapter Seventy

  Caroline wasn’t expecting her mother to come to her house. But when she saw Ashlyn at her door the following evening, Caroline wept in her mother’s arms like a lost child.

  “Thank you for coming, Mom. I need you so much now.”

  “Grandma!” Bonnie exclaimed, jumping into Ashlyn’s arms. “Mom is crying a lot lately and she won’t tell me why.”

  “She’s tired, honey. Don’t you mind about that. I’m here now, and I’ll take care of everything. Let’s get you bathed and off to bed,” Ashlyn said.

  “But Grandma, I don’t cry just cause I’m tired. Something is making mom really sad.”

  “Well, don’t you go worrying yourself about anything, Bonnie. You just go on now and get ready for a bath. I’ll be right there.”

  Caroline had moved out of the Maxwell House hotel two years ago and found a less expensive apartment, but it was still only one bedroom. Even with three people staying there, they would make due.

  “You sleep with Bonnie in the bed; I’ll sleep on the sofa,” Caroline said.

  “I’ll sleep on the sofa,” Ashlyn said firmly. “You need to sleep in the bed. You need your rest.”

  Chapter Seventy-One

  Ashlyn was a godsend; she took care of everything. Caroline made it to work as often as was possible, but many times she was just too weak or too ill.

  There was not enough money to pay all the doctor bills. Ashlyn tried to give the doctor all of the money she had but he refused and insisted on continuing treatment without payment.

  “I care more about my patients than I do about the money. I didn’t become a doctor to become rich. I became a doctor to save lives.”

  For weeks they tested possible candidates for bone marrow, Ashlyn included. No one was a match.

  “Don’t fret,” the old doctor said, although Caroline could see the worry in his eyes. “We’ll keep trying.”

  “I’m going to get a job,” Ashlyn said. “We have some money left from what I brought here but we are going to need an income. You’re too weak to work right now, honey. I’ll see what kind of job I can get.”

  The restaurant where Caroline worked for the last five years hired Ashlyn. Caroline offered to teach Ashlyn to drive so that she could use the car to
go to work but Ashlyn refused. She was more comfortable taking the bus. The man who owned the restaurant knew how sick Caroline was and wouldn’t fire her even though she missed more days than she worked.

  Ashlyn was a quick learner. Within a week, she was waiting tables like she had been a waitress for years. She could double as a cook, and she wasn’t too proud to clean a bathroom.

  The owner of the restaurant liked her very much. He was a kind man in his early sixties who had lost his wife only a year before. He often thought that if he had met Ashlyn under different circumstances, he would have asked her to dinner. But with her daughter being sick and her grandchild needing her attention, he decided that it would be inappropriate to try and date her.

  One night, Caroline felt very ill. She was going to try and take a shower in the hope that it would make her feel better but she lost her balance and fell on the bathroom floor. Her head ached as she vomited blood. Ashlyn heard her fall and ran into the bathroom. As soon as she saw Caroline lying on the floor, blood spewing from her lips, Ashlyn called an ambulance.

  She and Bonnie followed the ambulance in a taxi to the hospital emergency room. When they arrived, Bonnie was in tears and Ashlyn was as white as the newly painted door to the hospital. They were ushered into a waiting room by an emergency room nurse. Hours passed. No one came out to talk to them and Ashlyn was terrified. She was afraid that Caroline was dying.

  Bonnie fell asleep in the chair with her head on Ashlyn’s arm. Ashlyn was a bundle of nerves. She needed the comfort of her closest friend, so she went to a public telephone and called Alice. She poured her heart out to Alice and when they hung up, Alice called May.

  Chapter Seventy-Two

  The phone rang in the penthouse apartment in Manhattan where May and her husband Jeff lived.

  “I’ll get it,” Jeff called out to May as she was putting away groceries.

  “Hello,” he said. “Hi, Mom. Yeah, sure, hold on a minute, let me get her.”

  He called out, “May, it’s your mom.”