“Oh, that thou wert here, Panphilus, to see this sport, as sometimes thou wert.” But (alas) having now until that point, somewhat sustained, and with less grief endured the beholding, and with some small relaxation of my pains followed these pastimes, by recording them now, and thus in my mind (overcome as it were with secret grief) I left them abruptly off, and let them all do as they listed for me.
Oh, how many times do I remember that in these imaginations my bended bow and arrows did fall out of my hands, in handling of which, in pitching of nets, and letting hounds go, or following them, there was not any Nymph that waited on Diana her train, that did (I think) ever excel me. And it fell out very often, that many times in my chiefest sport of hawking like a careless woman, and thinking of other greater matters, I did let those hawks that I carried on my fist (myself flown as it were out of my wits) with sudden flight to soar away, of which pastime being in times past most studious, and as much desirous, and not half so careless to commit such faults, I did not only now take no regard, but found no pleasure in them at all.
But after that every valley, hill and all the wide plains were thoroughly traversed up and down, and our company laden with store of prey, we returned home to our pleasant Pavilions, which oftentimes we found full of glee and mirth, by reason of sundry and divers feasts made in them.
Sometimes afterwards sitting under the hollow dens, and entries of high Rocks, that did with their crooked bodies overhang the Sea, and with fresh air shadowing the Sands, where tables being set and furnished with sundry sorts of meats, in company of many Ladies and brave Gentlewomen we made great cheer together.
From which again we were not so soon risen, but divers sweet instruments sounding melodious music, the young Gentlemen and Gentlewomen in most brave order began to lead divers stately and pleasant dances, in which I must needs (though against my will) make one. But because my melancholy mind was not delighted with them, and that the weakness of my body did also deny the same, I danced but a measure or two, and sat me down again. And withdrawing myself behind all the rest, amongst the cloths of Tapestry and Arras that were spread abroad and hung up, I secretly said to myself, “Where art thou now, my Panphilus?” and so sat me down again amongst other Gentlewomen.
And in these places at the very same time giving a willing ear to the skilful music, and the silver sounds of those instruments, which with passing sweet notes entered deeply into my mind, and, thinking of my Panphilus, I did at one time cover and hide, discord, feasts and grief because, listening to the pleasant noise made, every demi-dead spirit of love did regain their former vigour and force in me again: and the remembrance of those merry times did return again to my mind, in which the heavenly harmony of these instruments, touched with rare skill, was wont in presence of my Panphilus to work divers commendable and sweet effects. But seeing not my Panphilus there, with most sorrowful tears and sighs I would willingly have complained on them, if it had been lawful for me in that place. And besides this the sundry Sonnets sung of many young Gentlewomen there (exceeding the Nightingales in sweet notes) were wont in my joyful times to delight my happy mind, of the which, if there was any (peradventure) that did please my melancholic humours, I gave most attentive ear unto the same, and desiring greatly to have it, because rehearsing and singing it afterwards to myself, I might openly and with less suspect, after a modest kind of sort, learn covertly to mourn, and secretly to sorrow with myself, with those griefs especially that were contained in it.
But after that the reiterated dances and rounds had wearied the young Gentlewomen, every one began to place themselves amongst us, and as it was no rare thing there to see the amorous young Gentlemen thronging about us, did encompass us in the manner of a crown, which thing never happened there, or anywhere else, that I perceived, but it made me call to mind that fatal day, when Panphilus, standing behind a fair knot of young Gentlemen, entrapped me with the virtues of his divine graces. Wherefore I lifted up mine eyes many times in vain, prying and looking between them, being fondly persuaded, by my foolish conceit, that I should in like manner have seen my Panphilus amongst them there.
Wherefore casting mine eyes sometimes amongst them, I marked how some of them with eager looks and pitiful glances did behold the amiable objects of their chiefest desires.
And myself waxed by this time very cunning in those amorous dalliances, with a perplexed eye did view everyone, and note everything they did, and perceived well who loved indeed, and who jested in demonstration, sometimes commending one for the grace that he observed in his discourse, and sometimes another for the pretty invention he used, and for his amorous arguments so well couched together in his loving stints: saying to myself, that my miserable estate and cursed condition had been much better if I had then played the counterfeit, as now they did, reserving thereby a free soul to myself, as with dallying and sporting they did keep to themselves. Afterwards refelling such an opinion, I said: “Nay, I am rather content (if in possessing an evil there is any content at all) to have loved faithfully.” Returning therefore with mine eyes and thoughts to the wanton behaviour and amorous actions of these young Lovers, I reaped some small comfort by their sundry fancies. And when I did perceive that any of them did love more fervently than the rest, I did more commend with myself such well-meaning Lovers. And having thus a long time with an earnest mind beheld them, I began softly to say with myself: “O thrice happy and fortunate are you, who are not deprived of the sight and sense of your understanding as I am! Alas, how was I wont heretofore (as you do now) to solace myself with these indifferent recreations. Long may you enjoy your felicity, since I alone must remain an example of scorn, and a pattern of misery to all the world. If Love at the least (making me discontent with the thing beloved of me) shall be an occasion to shorten my days, then shall it follow that with a tragical death (as Eliza did) I will eternish my lasting fame and memory.”
And having thus said, I held my peace, and went again to note those countenances, gestures and actions with which these loving Novices, professed Lovers and retired Soldiers did diversely study to please their dainty Ladies and Gentlewomen. Oh, how many have I eftsoons seen in like places, who (after a great while having looked in every place about for their desired joys, and not seeing nor finding them, deeming and reporting the feast not half so pleasant by reason of their absence, nor so delightsome) with half angry and very sad countenances have gone from thence again. Whereupon some little laughter (although it was but feeble and weak), in the midst of all my melancholy dumps, was permitted to take place, and a little comfort also granted to them, perceiving that I had company in my sorrows, measuring in this sort by mine own miseries other men’s mishaps. Then thus disposed (most dear Ladies) as my words do show, the delicate baths, the weary hunting, and the Sea banks had glutted my queasy mind with all kind of pastimes, and cloyed it with superfluities of feasts. Wherefore dismasking my old and former countenance, and discovering the smoke of my choked sighs, and the loss likewise of my appetite to my meat and sleep, to my deceived Husband, and not caring to manifest to the appointed physicians of my health these incurable infirmities, both he and they despairing (as it were) with themselves of my life, we returned again to the City. In the which, the conditions of the time preparing many and divers feasts, it framed also with the divers occasions of my manifold griefs. Wherefore it came many times to pass, that to the solemnizing of new espousals I was especially also invited, as being by parentage near of kin to them, or else, by ancient familiarity, friendship or neighbourhood, acquainted otherwise with them. To the which also my Husband oftentimes constrained me to go, thinking by these means to prevent the ordinary course of my melancholy fits, or else somewhat to ease my mind, so greatly infested by them. Whereupon I was at such times urged to take again my forsaken ornaments, and to put my neglected hair (judged of all men before to shine like gold, but not unlike now to ashes) in the finest order I could, wherein I was not to learn how to do it. And remembering myself with a more deep consideration whom
these fine threads of gold, besides all other beauties, were wont to delight, with a new froward passion I did disturb again my fantastical mind, which made me sometimes so much forget myself that I remember, that (no otherwise than called back again from a deep sleep, or raised out of an ecstasy), taking up again the comb that was fallen out of my hands, I returned to my careless and unwilling office. And taking some assured counsel in my Glass, of the setting forth of those ornaments, with which I had adorned myself, and seeing my face to look very pale, and greatly disfigured, and deeply therewithal apprehending in my mind my lost and altered beauty, I was almost in a doubt whether it was my face or no which I saw in the Glass, but imagining rather that some infernal and hideous fury stood by me, turning myself about, I did verily think and fear that it was behind me. But yet, after that I was tricked up very brave, clean contrary to the quality of my mind, I went with other Gentlewomen to those solemn and sumptuous feasts, in which reigned nothing but mirth, joy, and all manner of merry and pleasant recreations. Merry I term them in respect of others, because, as He knoweth from whom nothing is hid, there was never any since the departure of my Panphilus which was not an occasion to me of most heavy cheer and matter of continual sorrow. Being therefore come to the places appointed for the honours of such marriages, although that in divers places and at divers times celebrated, yet they never saw me otherwise disposed than to remain still at one stay, which was, bearing a counterfeit countenance of content, and a feigned face (as well as I could) of merriness, with my inward mind altogether occupied with subjects of sorrow, deriving the occasion of this sadness and grief as well from joyful and pleasant things which I saw as from sorrowful and unpleasant passions which I felt. But after that amongst other Ladies and Gentlewomen I was with great honour received, my mind not intentive upon new fashions, nor mine eyes desirous to gaze upon brave and rich attire, wherewith all the place did shine, but with a vain imagination deceiving themselves, thinking (perhaps) to have seen Panphilus there (as oftentimes in like places they had done before) they went rolling up and down, and casting their beams in every place round about: and not seeing him, as one now most assured of that of which I was at the first probably persuaded, and like a woman confounded in mine own foolish conceit, I sat me down with the rest of the Ladies, refusing the proffered courtesies, and offered honours, for whose sake (he being now absent) they were wont to be most dear unto me.
And after that the new Bride was come home, and the magnificent pomp used at the Tables was ended, and everyone with his passing dainty cates and heavenly Nectar had cheered up their frolic minds, as divers brave dances, sometimes directed by the tuned voice of some cunning and singular Musician, and other some led and footed by the sound of divers sweet instruments, were begun, every place of the espousal house resounding with a general applause of mirth and joy, myself because I would not be accounted coy and disdainful, but civil rather in such an honourable assembly, and well mannered, having gone sometimes about with them, I began to sit me down incontinently again, entering still into new and fantastical imaginations.
It came then to my mind how solemn and glorious that feast was which, like unto this, was once made in honour of my nuptial joy, in the which being then but a simple soul in frantic love matters, and free from melancholy passions, as abounding in all joy, I saw in myself with worthy congratulations of everyone honourably saluted, and nobly entreated. And comparing those times with these, and seeing them beyond all proportion altered, I was with great desire (if opportunity of time and place had granted) provoked to weep. This swift and sudden thought did run also in my mind, when I saw the young Gentlemen and Gentlewomen to rejoice equally together, and to be merry alike, courting and devising one with another, sometimes with many pleasant and sweet discourses, and sometimes with many singular and pretty devices, fit for such purposes, how that once I beheld my Panphilus in like places, and how in his company he and I all alone had passed the time there together, and could not now do the like. And it grieved me no less to see myself deprived of the occasion of making such kind of joy, and enjoying such content, than I was sorrowful for the pleasure which I lost by the not performance of the same. But from thence applying my ears to amorous delights, songs and sundry tunes, and remembering those with myself that were passed, I sighed, and marvellous desirous to see the end of such tedious feasts, being malcontent in the meantime, and sorrowful with myself, I passed them away. Notwithstanding, beholding everything exactly, the companies of young Gentlemen being flocked about the Gentlewomen and Ladies, that now were set down to rest them, and retired into divers places to gaze on them, I did perceive well that many of them, or almost all, did sometimes aim their beams at me, and did talk secretly amongst themselves of divers things touching my beauty, bravery and behaviour, but not so softly but that by manifest hearing of my own part, or by imagination or hearsay of some others, no final part of their speeches came to mine ears.
Some of them said one to another: “Alas, behold that young Gentlewoman, who had not her paragon for beauty in our City, and see now what an one she is become! Dost not thou see how strangely she is altered, and how appalled her once fair face is grown, myself being as ignorant of the cause as amazed to see the effects.” And having thus said, looking on me with a most pitiful and mild eye, as they who were greatly condolent of my griefs, going away left me full of compassion, and more piteous towards myself than I was wont to be. Others did inquire of one another, amongst themselves, saying: “Alas, hath this Gentlewoman been sick?” And afterwards did answer themselves again, saying: “It seemeth so, because she is waxed so lean and pale. Wherefore it is a great pity, especially thinking of her former beauty that is now faded quite away.” But there were some of a deeper reach than the rest, whose true surmises grieved me very much, after many guesses and speeches amongst themselves, saying: “The paleness of this young Lady is a manifest token of an enamoured heart. For what kind of infirmity doth bring a Lover to a lower estate of body than the unruly passions of fervent and hot affection? She is undoubtedly in love. And if it be so, he is too cruel and inhuman that is the cause of such unworthy consequences (grief and cares I mean), that make her look with so pale and thin cheeks.”
When I had heard these nipping words, that rubbed up my festered wound, I could not withhold my sighs, perceiving that others were more ready to pity my miseries than he to prevent these mishaps who by greatest reason, and most of all, should have had compassion in his thankless heart. And after I had fetched many deep sighs, with an humble and low voice I earnestly besought the Gods that in lieu of their kindness towards me they might have better success in their Loves. And I remember again, that the value of my honour and honesty was not small amongst some of them, who in talking together did favourably seem to excuse the foresaid true surmises, saying: “The Gods forbid that we should hatch such a thought in our minds, to say, that fond Love should molest this wise and modest young Lady, or that blind affection could trouble her mind at all. For she, as she is endued with as great honesty as any other, so was she (as it ever seemed) never addicted to such vanities as many of her co-equals, and hath not showed at any time so much as a semblance of wanton boldness, but continually arguments of wise and modest behaviour. Nor amongst the divers communications and companies of curious and inquisite Lovers, there could be never heard any speech of her Love, not once imagined amongst them, which is so furious and forcible a passion that it will not be any long time concealed, but will like restrained flames violently burst out unawares.”
“Alas” (said I then to myself) “how far do they roam from the truth, not deeming me to be in love, because (as it is the manner of fools) I make not my love public to the view of everyone, and preach it not openly abroad, to be secretly tossed from mouth to mouth, as others (vainly glorying in theirs) are commonly wont to do.” There came also sometimes oppositely before me many young and noble Gentlemen, proper men of personage, of sweet and amiable countenances, in everything gracious, courageous and courteous,
and the chiefest flowers of our City, who oftentimes before, by many cunning means and drifts, had to the utmost of their power attempted and laboured to have drawn but the devotions of my eyes to the desires of their hearts. Who, after that a certain while they had seen me, so much deformed and altered from that I was wont to be (not well pleased perhaps that I did not at the first frame my affections to their fancies), disdained now to look at me, and forsook me, saying: “The brave beauty of this Lady is gone and turned to a bleak hue, and the glory of her inflaming desires is now extinct.”
Collected Works of Giovanni Boccaccio Page 372
