The Great Hoggarty Diamond

by William Makepeace Thackeray

with us, your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus

  Hoskins dines with us likewise; and has done so nearly every day

  since my aunt went."

  He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a

  bottle." And so we parted till dinner-time.

  The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was

  supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was

  disinterested in the matter--more than disinterested, for she would

  have given a great deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she

  said she saw the force of Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted

  their justice with a sigh. However, I rode my high horse, and

  vowed that my aunt should do what she liked with her money; and

  that I was not the man who would influence her in any way in the

  disposal of it.

  After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that

  Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about

  Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. "You

  are a lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this

  charming young couple," said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was,

  and said he had dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that

  a better and more hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I

  state not to trumpet my own praises,--no, no; but because these

  questions of Smithers's had a good deal to do with the subsequent

  events narrated in this little history.

  Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that

  Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his

  legs under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door,

  which we did not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we

  hoped might be for the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into

  the room but Mrs. Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth

  off a pot of porter preparatory to a delicious drink of the

  beverage, and had been making us die of laughing with his stories

  and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as Mrs. H. came in, and looked

  quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a little uneasy.

  My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and

  saying, "It is too true--my poor boy--ALREADY!" flung herself

  hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she

  would never never leave me.

  I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation

  on Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. She refused Mary's

  hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus

  timidly said, "I think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and

  perhaps--had better go," Mrs. H. looked him full in the face,

  pointed to the door majestically with her forefinger, and said, "I

  think, sir, you HAD better go."

  "I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife,

  with spirit.

  "OF COURSE you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very

  sarcastic. But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon

  Gus; for he had instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling

  downstairs.

  The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of

  tears, and by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too

  late, she trusted; and from that day forth she would never never

  leave me.

  "What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary

  that night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested she

  did not know: and it was only some time after that I found out the

  reason of this quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance.

  The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a

  very good joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter

  of Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted

  in my Memoirs.

  "Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty

  in Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was determined to have

  her away. I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one

  stone as it were. It was quite clear to me that the Reverend

  Grimes Wapshot had an eye to your aunt's fortune; and that Mr.

  Brough had similar predatory intentions regarding her. Predatory

  is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at once, I should

  express my meaning clearer.

  "Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the

  lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,' said I, on finding that

  worthy gent,--he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, Sam, at two

  o'clock in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of

  that beverage--'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the

  year '14, at Lancaster assizes.'

  "'And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made clear,'

  said Wapshot.

  "'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I,

  'and passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.' I knew the

  fellow's history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a

  preacher at Clifton. I followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said

  I, 'you are making love to an excellent lady now at the house of

  Mr. Brough: if you do not promise to give up all pursuit of her, I

  will expose you.'

  "'I HAVE promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking

  more easy. 'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was

  with me this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing.

  Oh, sir, it would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like

  him swear as he did.'

  "'Mr. Brough been here?' says I, rather astonished.

  "'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says

  Wapshot. 'You want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and

  Squashtail estate, do you? Well, well, have your way. I've

  promised not to have anything more to do with the widow and a

  Wapshot's honour is sacred.'

  "'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you

  out of doors, if you call again.'

  "'You HAVE been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a

  shrug: then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal

  of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened

  and read every word of it.

  "Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot

  at him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off I went,

  primed and loaded, sir,--primed and loaded.

  "It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the

  lodge-gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery--that

  of your respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable

  ladies of the house before I saw her; because look, friend

  Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's letter, that she and they were

  at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out of the house at once by

  means of a quarrel with them."

  I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow.

  "As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the

  drawing-room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously

  out of tune; but as I entered at the door, I cr
ied 'Hush!' to the

  footman, as loud as possible, stood stock-still, and then walked

  forward on tip-toe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every

  movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and

  finished the song with a regular roulade.

  "'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting

  that delicious harmony,--for coming unaware upon it, for daring

  uninvited to listen to it.'

  "'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much

  graciousness as her physiognomy could command. 'I am Miss Brough,

  sir.'

  "'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my

  business until you have sung another charming strain.'

  "She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is

  your business?'

  "'My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this

  house.'

  "'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell,

  and ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery;

  here is a gentleman who wants to see her.'

  "'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as

  anyone, madam; and aware that those and her education are not such

  as to make her a fit companion for you. I know you do not like

  her: she has written to us in Somersetshire that you do not like

  her.'

  "'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried

  Miss Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). 'If she

  does not like us, why does she not leave us?'

  "'She HAS made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that

  her nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, madam, do

  not move, for you may aid me in the object for which I come.'

  "The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular

  battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended

  to appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer

  to stay in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy

  differences. Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,--Miss Belinda

  opening the fire, by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been

  calumniating her to her friends. But though at the end of it Miss

  rushed out of the room in a rage, and vowed she would leave her

  home unless that odious woman left it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha,

  ha! I know the minx's vile stratagems; but, thank Heaven! I have a

  good heart, and my religion enables me to forgive her. I shall not

  leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my departure that

  worthy admirable man.'

  "I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. 'Your niece,'

  said I, 'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather

  poorly,--qualmish of mornings, madam,--a little nervous, and low in

  spirits,--symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a

  young married person.'

  "Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would

  send Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would

  do her good.

  "With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last

  reserve into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my boy,

  now that the matter is so long passed. 'Madam,' said I, 'there's a

  matter about which I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I

  dined with your nephew yesterday, and met at his table a young man-

  -a young man of low manners, but evidently one who has blinded your

  nephew, and I too much fear has succeeded in making an impression

  upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, madam; and when I state that

  he who was never in the house during your presence there, has dined

  with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in three weeks, I may

  leave you to imagine what I dare not--dare not imagine myself.'

  "The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes

  more was in my carriage, on our way back to London. There, sir,

  was not that generalship?"

  "And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr.

  Smithers," said I.

  "At your wife's expense, certainly; but for the benefit of both of

  you."

  "It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that

  the affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I

  would have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!"

  But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her

  relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in

  Bernard Street, the doings at which must now he described.

  CHAPTER X

  OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF

  We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my

  aunt sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have

  filled two such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young

  housekeepers, as we had only to pay the carriage of the goods from

  Bristol.

  When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not

  for four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she

  gave me 50L. of the 80L., and told me that was ample pay for the

  board and lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat

  more than a sparrow.

  I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a

  pudding; but she was rich and I could not complain. If she saved

  600L. a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings

  would one day come to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and

  tried to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy task

  to keep a mansion in Bernard Street and save money out of 470L. a

  year, which was my income. But what a lucky fellow I was to have

  such an income!

  As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr.

  Brough, with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I

  should like to have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the

  one was carrying the other's prey off, out of his own very den,

  under his very nose.

  He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not

  leave the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of

  his daughter's infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears--"in

  tears, madam, and on her knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!"

  But Mr. B. was obliged to leave the house without my aunt, who had

  a causa major for staying, and hardly allowed poor Mary out of her

  sight,--opening every one of the letters that came into the house

  directed to my wife, and suspecting hers to everybody. Mary never

  told me of all this pain for many many years afterwards; but had

  always a smiling face for her husband when he came home from his

  work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that he

  never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived

  there; but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as

  fond as he was of me.

  Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with

  me. He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the

  gents of the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly t
hat

  I was not only a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the

  company; that I defied him to find fault with my work or my

  regularity; and that I was not minded to receive any insolent

  language from him or any man. He said it was always so: that he

  had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but the ingrate had

  turned on him; that he was accustomed to wrong and undutifulness

  from his children, and that he would pray that the sin might be

  forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing at

  me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoeblack. But, look

  you, I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's

  airs, or of his. With me they might act as they thought fit; but I

  did not choose that my wife should be passed over by them, as she

  had been in the matter of the visit to Fulham.

  Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. "Beware of these

  men," said he; "but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property

  would have been sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her

  benefit--which you, obstinate young man, will not perceive--I

  wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys actually had the

  audacity--the unchristian avarice I may say--to ask ten per cent.

  commission on the sale."

  There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when

  rogues fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to

  suspect, I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director

  had a little of the rogue in their composition. It was especially

  about my wife's fortune that Mr. B. showed HIS cloven foot: for

  proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our

  Company, I told him that my wife was a minor, and as such her

  little fortune was vested out of my control altogether. He flung

  away in a rage at this; and I soon saw that he did not care for me

  any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, no more

  advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship

  at 150L. was abolished, and I found myself on my 250L. a year

  again. Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my

  duty, and laughed at the Director.

  About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer

  Company shut up shop--exploded, as Gus said, with a bang! The

  Patent Pump shares were down to 15L. upon a paid-up capital of 65L.

  Still ours were at a high premium; and the Independent West

  Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in London.

  Roundhand's abuse had had some influence against the Director,

  certainly; for he hinted at malversation of shares: but the

  Company still stood as united as the Hand-in-Hand, and as firm as

  the Rock.

  To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell

  Square: my aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my

  aunt's enormous old jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and

  half the strings broken, occupied three-fourths of the little

  drawing-room. Here used Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours,

  sonatas that were in fashion in Lord Charleville's time; and sung

  with a cracked voice, till it was all that we could do to refrain

  from laughing.

  And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs.

  Hoggarty's character now: for whereas she was in the country among

  the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea-

  party at six and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,--in London

  she would never dine till seven; would have a fly from the mews to

  drive in the Park twice a week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and

  twisted over and over, all her old gowns, flounces, caps, and

  fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning till night altering

  them to the present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, appeared in a

  new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a pair of red

  cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people in

  Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such