The Great Hoggarty Diamond

by William Makepeace Thackeray

fashions.

  Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,--

  a boy, that is, of about sixteen,--who was dressed in one of the

  old liveries that she had brought with her from Somersetshire,

  decorated with new cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the

  latter were represented the united crests of the Titmarshes and

  Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and a hog in armour. I thought

  this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I must confess; though

  my family is very ancient. And heavens! what a roar of laughter

  was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in the

  big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a

  message from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! Furthermore, all

  letters were delivered on a silver tray. If we had had a baby, I

  believe Aunt would have had it down on the tray: but there was as

  yet no foundation for Mr. Smithers's insinuation upon that score,

  any more than for his other cowardly fabrication before narrated.

  Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New Road, with

  the boy following with his great gold-headed stick; but though

  there was all this ceremony and parade, and Aunt still talked of

  her acquaintances, we did not see a single person from week's end

  to week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could hardly be

  found in London town.

  On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then

  just built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of

  evenings, to a meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at

  least, Mary and I had to ourselves,--for we chose to have seats at

  the Foundling, and heard the charming music there, and my wife used

  to look wistfully in the pretty children's faces,--and so, for the

  matter of that, did I. It was not, however, till a year after our

  marriage that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed over,

  but which filled both her and me with inexpressible joy.

  I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the

  Muff and Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of

  300,000L. as some said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty

  with some Indians, who had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the

  Company. Some people said there were no Indians, and no agent to

  be tomahawked at all; but that the whole had been invented in a

  house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied poor Tidd, whose 20,000L.

  were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in the City that day with

  a most ghastly face. He had 1,000L. of debts, he said, and talked

  of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and passed a long

  time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, however, soon put Tidd

  and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head; as you may fancy.

  Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed

  to show that our Director was--what is not to be found in Johnson's

  Dictionary--rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; four

  more were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the

  meetings of the directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words

  passed, which ended in the retirement of several of the board.

  Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw,

  Mr. Query, and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining

  the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolved partnership; and Mr. B.

  said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. W. D., and intended

  gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, such an

  Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the

  parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the

  seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of

  the late companies.

  Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs.

  Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say,

  although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she

  insisted upon it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related;

  and no sooner did she read in the Morning Post of the arrival of

  her Ladyship and her granddaughters in London, than she ordered the

  fly before mentioned, and left cards at their respective houses:

  her card, that is--"MRS. HOGGARTY OF CASTLE HOGGARTY,"

  magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes; and ours,

  viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had printed for the

  purpose.

  She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way

  upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the

  footman who received her card given her the least encouragement;

  but that functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her

  appearance, placed himself in the front of the door, and declared

  that he had positive orders not to admit any strangers to his lady.

  On which Mrs. Hoggarty clenched her fist out of the coach-window,

  and promised that she would have him turned away.

  Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote

  a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the

  insolence of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr.

  Preston did not take any notice of her letter, further than to

  return it, with a desire that he might not be troubled with such

  impertinent visits for the future. A pretty day we had of it when

  this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's disappointment and rage in

  reading the contents; for when Solomon brought up the note on the

  silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston's seal and

  name at the corner of the letter (which is the common way of

  writing adopted by those official gents)--my aunt, I say, seeing

  his name and seal, cried, "NOW, Mary, who is right?" and betted my

  wife a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to

  dinner. She never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but

  contented herself by abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor-

  spirited sneak for not instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty

  joke, indeed! They would have hanged me in those days, as they did

  the man who shot Mr. Perceval.

  And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel

  life which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty;

  but it must be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting

  only for the brief period of six months: and also, genteel society

  has been fully described already by various authors of novels,

  whose names need not here be set down, but who, being themselves

  connected with the aristocracy, viz., as members of noble families,

  or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally understand their

  subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow from a fire-

  office can.

  There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs.

  H. would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the

  establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents

  after the music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a

  pretty figure did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big

  cane, among the gentlemen of the shoulde
r-knot assembled in the

  lobby!)--where, I say, in the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old

  Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to her, and insisted upon claiming

  relationship with her Ladyship. But my Lady Drum had only a memory

  when she chose, as I may say, and had entirely on this occasion

  thought fit to forget her connection with the Titmarshes and

  Hoggarties. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called Mrs.

  Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for

  a police-officer.

  This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this

  wicked world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really

  serious society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances,

  she said, at the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon

  her friend of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know

  then the interview which he had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did

  Grimes think proper to acquaint us with the particulars of it; but

  though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the fact that her favourite

  preacher had been tried for forgery, SHE replied that she

  considered the story an atrocious calumny; and HE answered by

  saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that we

  should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of

  which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend

  gentleman's guidance and advice, she, after a time, separated from

  St. Pancras altogether--"SAT UNDER HIM," as the phrase is,

  regularly thrice a week--began to labour in the conversion of the

  poor of Bloomsbury and St. Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen

  for distribution among those benighted people. She did not make

  any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who now showed signs that such

  would be speedily necessary, but let Mary (and my mother and

  sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite for the coming

  event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was wrong on

  our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let the

  morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes

  Wapshot drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined

  there even oftener than poor Gus used to do.

  But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I

  must confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my

  circumstances, and was much harassed both as a private and public

  character.

  As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50L.; but out of

  that 50L. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the

  carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and

  carpeting of my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the

  Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent said that

  Rosolio did not agree with him); and finally, a thousand small

  bills and expenses incident to all housekeepers in the town of

  London.

  Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of

  cash, Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs. Howell and James's ditto,

  the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for

  the setting of the diamond pin. All these bills arrived in a week,

  as they have a knack of doing; and fancy my astonishment in

  presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, "Well, my dear,

  you are in the receipt of a very fine income. If you choose to

  order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, you must pay for

  them; and don't expect that I am to abet your extravagance, or give

  you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay you for board and

  lodging!"

  How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary

  in such a delicate condition? And bad as matters were at home, I

  am sorry to say at the office they began to look still worse.

  Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego

  became head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and

  was shown into the directors' private room; when he left it, he

  came trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun,

  "Shentlemen--" a speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr.

  Brough, with an imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till

  Saturday!" at length got him into the street.

  On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became

  head clerk with 400L. a year salary. It was a fatal week for the

  office, too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the

  head desk, and my first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the

  first thing I read was, "Frightful fire in Houndsditch! Total

  destruction of Mr. Meshach's sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr.

  Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. In the former was 20,000L.

  worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the voracious element attacked

  and devoured in a twinkling. The latter estimable gentleman had

  just completed forty thousand suits of clothes for the cavalry of

  H.H. the Cacique of Poyais."

  Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego,

  were insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The

  calamity was attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish

  watchman, who was employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle

  of whisky in the warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously

  looked for the liquor with a lighted candle. The man was brought

  to our office by his employers; and certainly, as we all could

  testify, was EVEN THEN in a state of frightful intoxication.

  As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the

  demise of Alderman Pash--Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in

  our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a

  moment as this was no time for joking! He was insured by our house

  for 5,000L. And now I saw very well the truth of a remark of

  Gus's--viz., that life-assurance companies go on excellently for a

  year or two after their establishment, but that it is much more

  difficult to make them profitable when the assured parties begin to

  die.

  The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the

  Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the

  Company of 80,000L., and though the Patent Erostratus Match

  Manufactory had exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000L.,

  there were those who said that the loss had not been near so heavy

  as was supposed--nay, that the Company had burnt the above-named

  establishments as advertisements for themselves. Of these facts I

  can't be positive, having never seen the early accounts of the

  concern.

  Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as

  dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and-

  four, laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the

  door.

  "Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an

  event which I most deeply deplore. I mean the demise of the

  excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything

  can console me for the loss of that worthy man, it is to think that

&nbs
p; his children and widow will receive, at eleven o'clock next

  Saturday, 5,000L. from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now head

  clerk here. As for the accident which has happened to Messrs.

  Shadrach and Meshach,--in THAT, at least, there is nothing that can

  occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as soon as the

  particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, my

  friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of

  forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds--according to the

  amount of their loss. THEY, at least, will be remunerated; and

  though to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable,

  yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it

  himself, for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed;

  and we must learn to bear ill-fortune as we have hitherto borne

  good, and show ourselves to be men always!"

  Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like

  to give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common

  worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring

  it to bear witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious

  hypocrite does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be

  careful even in alluding to it.

  Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of

  that very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for

  none of our gents left the office that day until the evening papers

  had appeared. But there was the speech--ay, and at the week's end,

  although Roundhand was heard on 'Change that day declaring he would

  bet five to one that Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,--at

  the week's end the money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor

  across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money.

  Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm in

  mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time; and

  moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead.

  As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's

  room, and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his

  confidence.

  "Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in

  the face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr.

  Silberschmidt of London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silberschmidt, the

  Rothschild of his day (indeed I have heard the latter famous gent

  was originally a clerk in Silberschmidt's house)--Silberschmidt,

  fancying he could not meet his engagements, committed suicide; and

  had he lived till four o'clock that day, would have known that he

  was worth 400,000L. To tell you frankly the truth," says Mr. B.,

  "I am in Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, Hoff, has given

  bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and I have

  been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions,

  brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all

  the debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth.

  Now, unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of

  the matter is that if I cannot procure 5,000L. before Saturday, OUR

  CONCERN IS RUINED!"

  "What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor

  mother's annuity. "Impossible! our business is splendid!"

  "We must have 5,000L. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you

  will, as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000L. for the

  money!"

  B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and

  his own private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt,

  that with the 5,000L. our office must be set a-going; and without

  it, that the concern must stop. No matter how he proved the thing;

  but there is, you know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but

  leave to use figures, and he will prove anything.

  I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she

  seemed not to be disinclined. I told him so; and that day he

  called upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon

  her, and once more the Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our