Shattered: A Salvation Society Novel

by Bella Emy

  “That’s it, baby girl! Come for me, come for me!”

  And that’s when I lose myself for him once more and let yet another orgasm go, this time coating his dick with my release.

  “Kalen! Ah…” I coo as my orgasm comes to an end.

  But he doesn’t stop. He pumps harder and keeps going until I realize he’s about to come, too.

  “Lexi… fuck…. Mmmm,” he moans and groans, finding his release moments later.

  He comes down and lies next to me, and I let myself cuddle up next to him as his arm wraps around me. At this moment, I feel safe, secure, warm, and happy. Nothing could take what I’m feeling right now away from me.

  He places a kiss on the top of my head. “Happy Birthday, Lexi. I hope that was everything you hoped for.”

  I smile, closing my eyes. “It was, and more.”

  His throaty chuckle escapes him. “I’m glad to hear it. Now get some rest before we pick up again for round two.”

  I giggle and then take a deep breath. I had no plans on sleeping once I realized what was going to happen tonight. However, once my eyes shut, I’m so relaxed that I pass out before I have a chance to say anything more.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  It’s a beautiful morning, just after 6 a.m., and the rain has ended long ago. Somewhere between the midnight kisses and early morning touches as we made love throughout the night, the rain died away and left nothing but a cool breeze to pass through the overcast sky.

  I woke up an hour after we made love the first time to find Kalen with his head in between my legs again, giving me another sweet, satisfying orgasm.

  And after that, we made love twice more.

  It was heart-stopping, earth-shattering, and every bit of incredible that I could have ever hoped for.

  I lean over the banister, taking in the view from where we’re stationed off the dock, and feel… empty. I don’t know what it is, but something just feels off with me. Sure, the night we spent together was amazing, but something isn’t sitting right with me. I’ve just had this feeling deep within my gut.

  I couldn’t lie in bed any longer. When I woke up and found myself naked in Kalen’s arms, reliving the moments we spent together over and over again, something inside of me told me to get dressed and head up here.

  And that’s exactly what I did.

  I put on a pair of shorts and threw on his black T-shirt that just hours ago, I had peeled off his body with my own hands.

  I shake my head. I need to think of something else, anything else. I can’t keep thinking about the way he felt in my arms, the way he tasted in my mouth… the way he sent my body into a sweet oblivion as he pounded into me over and over again.

  Fuck, what is wrong with me? It was perfect, but something inside of me is making me… regret it?

  No. I don’t regret it, but I just feel like I’ve done something wrong. And it’s all because the past is still haunting me. As amazing as last night was, the memories of the past and what he put me through are enough to make me feel this way. Uneasy. Unnerving… unforgettable.

  “Lexi?” Kalen’s voice calls from behind me.

  “Hmm?” I spin around just in time to see him standing at the top of the steps with only a pair of gray sweatpants on. Why the fuck does he have to parade around here looking like a Greek god all the damn time? “Kalen…”

  A small smile forms on his face, but I can tell he’s wondering what happened, why I got up so early.

  He runs a hand through his dark, thick hair, taking slow steps to meet me. “You couldn’t sleep?”

  “No. Not really.” I spin around. I can’t continue looking him in the eyes as he comes closer to me, asking me questions that I don’t have any real answers to. Tears began welling up in the corners of my eyes, but I can’t let him see me cry. I can’t. I need to hold my ground and be strong. I cannot let him know that since I woke up this morning, I’ve had nothing but thoughts of the past come crashing to the front of my mind, causing me to almost have a damn panic attack. I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I do know that I absolutely cannot go through the shit he put me through years ago all over again now.

  I was fine. I was over Kalen Starling. At least, I thought I was. Now I don’t even know what I am anymore. Am I broken? Am I shattered? Am I torn because of everything we’ve been through? Or is this just a moment of insanity?

  He finally reaches me, leaning against the banister of the ship. “I’m sorry to hear that. You fell asleep right away last night after the last time we… well… ugh… and so I thought you were comfy. I didn’t—”

  “No, Kalen. It’s not that,” I intervene.

  He turns his body to face me. “Lexi, you can talk to me… if this is about last night—”

  “I can’t do this, Kalen!” I snap, finally completely facing him. It came out harsher than I intended it to, but I know now that I was wrong. Falling for him and letting my emotions take over did not make the past go away. It didn’t take the pain he caused me so many years before go away. If anything, I’m feeling it more now than ever before, standing here with him on the top deck of his ship with him in the middle of paradise.

  The tears that had threatened to spill over are now fully falling down my cheeks, and I can’t stop them. I can’t. They’re flowing like a damn hurricane. Fuck. This is the last thing I wanted. I made a promise to myself so long ago that I would never let Kalen Starling see me cry, and now it doesn’t even matter anymore because that promise has been broken and shattered.

  “Lexi, please don’t cry.” He moves closer to me and reaches his hand out to touch my cheek, and wipes away at my tears.

  As soon as he does, I pull away. I can’t let him get to me anymore. This was all a big mistake, and I should never have agreed to go on this trip with him. Never. What made me think that this was a good idea in the first place? I should have stuck by my guns and kept to my word.

  No, Kalen. I cannot go to dinner with you.

  No, Kalen. I cannot go on a trip with you.

  No, Kalen. I cannot go away with you to paradise, as you kiss me and make love to me into the wee hours of the morning, making me forget all my pain, making me lose all control, reveling in the feeling of all that you give me.

  Why, why, why had I been so stupid? What in the world made me believe I would have been strong enough to do this with him, knowing that come the morning, it would all be over yet again?

  Because that’s what happens now, right? He takes me back to the hotel, we go our separate ways, and I never see him again. We say good-bye once more, and my broken, shattered heart never really mends. But was there even a good-bye the first time around?

  “Lexi,” he whispers, trying to reach me once more. “What is happening right now?”

  I shake my head. “I can’t do this, Kalen. I can’t pretend that everything is all right. I can’t allow you to take me on trips out to sea, wining and dining me, introducing me to your friends, taking me out to dinner, taking me by the hand as we walk along the edge of the shore under a starlit sky… letting you kiss me and touch me, and making love to me throughout the night while a hard rain pours down all around us. I can’t do it. I can’t relive the past as we say good-bye one final time. The first time was hard enough… to have to do it all over again? I don’t think I’ll survive. I won’t. I know I won’t.” I pause, taking a deep breath. I have just revealed so much of my feelings to him, and now I can’t take those words back. “I can’t go through this again with you… or rather, go through it all over again, without you.”

  I search his eyes, but I can’t say anything more. It’s all out on the table now.

  “Lexi, please let me explain. When things ended—”

  I shake my head. “There is nothing to explain, Kalen. You left. You took off right after I finally gave myself to you. And come to think of it, there was no good-bye. You just disappeared, causing my heart to disintegrate, leaving me empty. And I—”

  He grabs my hand, now cutting me
off. “Alexa! Alexa, listen to me! Let me tell you what I kept hidden from you all those years ago. You want to know why I left, why I disappeared? I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you, dammit, because I love you and I never stopped loving you. But I can reassure you that you’re not going to like it. You’re not going to like the answers you’re about to receive, so I hope you’re ready for them.”

  I search his eyes once more. So there’s a secret. There’s a reason he never told me about why he left me after he took my virginity. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I never should have come out here with him in the first place. I should have continued holding my grudge against him. I knew he was no good.

  Anger replaces the sorrow I was feeling just moments ago. A red rage blankets over me. I fucking knew my instincts were right. Dammit, I should have stuck by my intuition.

  His eyes scan over me, taking in my reaction. I can tell from the way he’s looking at me now that he knows I’m pondering over his words.

  I swallow thickly. I’m not ready. I know I’m not ready to hear his words, but I’ve been waiting for a reason for so long. Why did he leave? Why did he walk away from the love we used to share? No, I’m not ready. I know it’s now or never though. It’s time to finally hear the truth about why he left me back when we were in high school, or leave and go back home and continue wondering from time to time why in the hell he took off.

  Why did he leave when we had something so good? Why did he end something that was amazing without so much as an explanation?

  I take a step back and cross my arms across my chest and look at him dead in the eyes. “Tell me,” I demand. “Tell me why you left me when we were so in love, or so I thought. But then again, maybe I was the only one who was in love.”

  He gasps silently. “You know that’s not true,” he whispers.

  Do I? “Well then, if it’s not true, tell me why you broke my heart. Tell me why you shattered my dreams.”

  He licks his lips, inhaling deeply. “Before you think of any more crazy reasons about why I left, just know this: I didn’t want to. The last thing I wanted to do was leave you, breaking your heart. Because believe it or not, it broke mine as well and ruined my life along with it.”

  I scoff. Right.

  “It’s true, Lexi. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to leave you and go away.”

  “Then why, Kalen? Why did you go?” More tears stream down my face. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for and dreading all at the same time.

  He takes a step back. “Do you remember that day I went to your house to meet your parents? The day your mother invited me over for brunch?”

  I breathe in deeply. “Yes. How could I ever forget that? It went perfectly and turned out to be everything I hoped for. But after that day, you started pulling away. I noticed a change in your behavior, but I prayed it was all in my head. I hoped for it every day. But that was the beginning of the end. Why?”

  Kalen leans back against the banister. “When your mother sent you into the kitchen to bag up some goodies for me to take back home to my family, she pulled me to the side and spoke to me. Or rather, she demanded things from me.”

  I furrow my brows. “What? Kalen, what are you saying?”

  He chuckles, but it’s obviously void of humor. As he goes through that day in his mind before he tells me what he’s about to say next, I can see this is not amusing to him at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. He looks annoyed and frustrated… and angry.

  “What I’m saying, Lexi, is that your mother demanded I stay away from you. She made me promise her that I would leave you alone and let you live your life. That if I truly cared about you at all and wanted the best for you, I’d let you have it without a worthless piece of scum like me to bring you down… those last words were her exact ones.”

  A rolling thunder sounds as ominous clouds take over the morning sky. It seems as though last night’s rainstorm is coming back. Perfect, because right now, warm and sunny is not how I’m feeling on the inside. Gloomy and cold is more like it.

  I can’t believe what he’s telling me. My mother would never do something like that to me. She had no reason to say something like that to him. Why would she want to cause me pain? She knew how much I cared for Kalen. She knew what he meant to me, so of course, she would know how I’d feel if he’d leave me.

  She wouldn’t do that. She had no reason to. This is not true.

  But the look in his eyes is making me think there is more to this than I know. Why would Kalen lie to me? He never had before. Why now? But why is he making this up, which I know he has to be? My mother wouldn’t do what he’s saying she did.

  “What?! Why would she say that? It’s not true!” I turn away from him.

  “Lexi!” He comes up to me, grabbing me by the shoulders and spinning me around to face him.

  My tears never cease. They continue streaming down my face.

  “Lexi… I’m sorry to have to hurt you like this, but it is true. She told me I would never amount to anything, and I’d never be able to give you what you deserve, what you need. She was worried about you and your future. She said I would never be able to take care of you…”

  “What?!”

  He searches my eyes. “It’s true, Lex. I came from nothing. I didn’t have two dimes to rub together growing up, and your mother knew that. What I have now, I built from nothing. I worked hard, busting my ass every single day. It wasn’t easy.”

  “No…” I whisper, but somehow I know he’s telling the truth. “No…”

  A rainstorm begins falling down all around us, but somehow, it’s different from last night. Last night, it wasn’t coming down as hard. Now the wind is howling, and the raindrops are drenching us.

  He pulls me into his chest, and I let all my tears go, spilling them out onto him. “I’m sorry, Lexi. You have to believe me. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to be the reason your life turned out horrible because I held you back. I couldn’t deal with that. So I did the only thing I could think of and left. Then your parents got divorced and she took you away not long after. And I never saw you again till just recently.”

  I bawl uncontrollably into him. The reality of it all is too much, and if my mother were still alive, I’d ask her about all of this because I still can’t believe it.

  “Lexi, I’m so sorry… I never meant to hurt you. I only ever wanted the best for you.”

  I look up at him, letting my arms fall to the sides. This is too much to take in right now. First seeing him after so long was a complete shock. Then losing my lounge… and now this. I can’t take this. I just need to get back to the hotel and fall asleep. I need time to think.

  And then I need to get back home.

  He searches my eyes yet again. “I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispers, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.

  I take a deep breath, and as much as it hurts, I pull away from the man I have been in love with for as long as I can remember. “Kalen… please take me back…”

  A sad expression forms on his face, and I know those weren’t the words he was hoping for, but nevertheless, I can’t give him anything more. Not now, and probably not ever. Too much hurt is in our past. Too much time has gone by to fix anything. My heart never healed, it just remained shattered, and now it’s too late to fix it and piece it back together.

  His gaze drops to the floor as his head droops down before him. “As you wish, sweetheart.”

  His words are barely audible. He pulls away from me and heads over to steer the ship back in the direction of Starling Paradise.

  I allow myself to plop down onto one of the seats as the wind whips by, and the rain continues to fall all around us. At least it masks my tears, even though he’s already seen me cry.

  I’m thankful we missed the tropical storm that was supposed to have hit the area, but instead now, we’re dealing with our own storm, one that is much worse than any other in all the history of tropical storms.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

>   “You’re back early,” Erin says, lifting her eyes from the laptop she’s working on, and gazes over at me as I walk in, my bag in hand.

  I toss it to the side. At least I don’t have to unpack just to repack in a few days. Most of my crap is right in this bag. And I’m ready to call the airlines and see about changing my flight from Friday to tonight if possible. I doubt I can get something sooner, but I damn sure will check. I don’t want to spend a single second longer on this fucking vacation. I plop down on the bed and pull my laptop out of the bag sitting on the floor to its right.

  Erin rises from her seat, and I see her from my peripheral walking toward me. “Hey!” she shouts.

  “Huh?” I ask, startled, turning to face her.

  She places her right hand on her hip. “I’m trying to talk to you here, but you’re completely zoned out. What are you doing right now? I thought you weren’t supposed to get back from your mini getaway with Kalen until later tonight.”

  I lower my gaze once more, focusing on my laptop, which is currently booting up. I don’t want to think about him, or talk about him with Erin or anyone else for that matter. “Don’t say his name.”

  I look up as she rolls her shoulders back and then raises an eyebrow. “Don’t say his name? That’s all you have to say for yourself and expect me to just be okay with that?”

  I shrug, giving her nothing more. There’s a flight for tonight at nine, and I need to call the airlines about changing it to that one. That will be perfect, and I can get away from this nightmare faster than I was set to.

  “Hell-o! Earth to Lexi! Earth to Lexi!” She sits down on the bed next to me and pulls my laptop off of my lap.

  “Hey!” I shout.

  “What the hell are you doing?” She scrutinizes the screen and gasps. Then she gives me that look I hate. The one I can’t stand that lets me know she’s disappointed or upset with me. I’m guessing right now, disappointment is the better choice. Or maybe she’s upset. Yeah, probably she’s upset because I still haven’t spilled the beans. But I don’t want to. I really don’t want to talk about him—I’m still refusing to say his name—he doesn’t deserve me to even think about him.