Fear of Fire and Shadow

by S. Young

  I tingled there, too, and felt the wet of arousal.

  “Wolfe,” I begged, wanting him to touch me there more than I wanted anything in this world.

  “Patience.” He stroked my inner thigh, his jaw clenching.

  And then he curled his fingers into my stocking and slowly guided it off my leg.

  It was torturous waiting for him to do the same with the other.

  When he was done, he wrapped his hands around my calves and then glided his hands up my legs as he kneeled between them. Our eyes held, my breath caught in my throat, as he moved up the back of my thighs until he reached my underwear.

  “Your skin is like silk,” he whispered, hovering over me like some pagan god, the shadows of the room flickering across his muscled arms and torso.

  I wanted to touch him, but he was too far away.

  “Come to me.” I reached out.

  Wolfe gave me a teasing smile. “Not yet. I want to kiss you.” His fingers curled around the edge of my underwear.

  I gasped as he tugged on them but lifted my hips to help him remove them. “To kiss me”—my breath hitched as cool air caressed me between the legs—“you have to come closer, where my mouth is.”

  He grinned. “Ah, but that’s not where I want to kiss you.”

  A memory assailed me. I’d once accidentally walked in on one of our guests with a housemaid. She’d been sprawled across a desk in a palace study, skirts above her waist, with the nobleman’s face between her legs.

  “Oh.” Suddenly, I understood.

  I experienced another deep pull there.

  Seeing I understood, Wolfe tossed aside my underwear and demanded, “Take off the chemise.”

  I sat up to do so with urgency, very much impatient to experience this kiss. Lying back on the bed, naked as the day I was born, I waited, chest heaving.

  Wolfe could only stare. His expression darkened as he took in every inch of me.

  “Wolfe?”

  He shook his head, as if dazed, and then his eyes came back to mine. His voice was thick with emotion. “There cannot be anything, anyone, or anyplace in this land, in any land, that matches your beauty, within and without.”

  Tears pricked my eyes.

  I’d never thought of myself as such, but he made me feel like the most beautiful being in the world in that moment.

  “I don’t deserve this gift.” His hands coasted up my thighs, and a fierceness flashed across his face. “But I’m a selfish bastard, and I’m going to take it.”

  I wanted to disagree, to tell him that he deserved everything he wanted, but suddenly his head was between my thighs and—

  “Wolfe!” I gasped in amazement at the feel of the first lick. I lifted my hips, widening my legs, wanting more. So much more! I groaned with sheer pleasure as he kissed and nuzzled and licked and sucked until I was writhing with coiling tension.

  Then there was pressure as he pushed two fingers inside of me. He moved them in and out, causing the tension to climb to a breaking point. My heart raced so hard. My skin was hot and damp with sweat. I couldn’t take much more of this!

  And then my whole body stiffened, and it was like a tidal wave of ecstasy rolling through me as my inner muscles rippled around Wolfe’s fingers. I cried out, unable to stifle the sound of my release.

  Wolfe covered me, swallowing my gasps in his deep, voracious kisses that made me feel light-headed on top of my climax. When he pulled back, his muscles seemed to strain with need, and then I felt him scorching and throbbing at my core. I whimpered as renewed need flooded me. “Are you ready? It will probably hurt the first time.”

  “I know.” I wound my arms around his shoulders and stroked my fingers across his smooth, hot skin. His muscles were hard beneath my touch. “But I want you.”

  Wolfe kissed me again, slower, gentler, brushing his mouth across mine, and then he nudged his arousal against me. I braced for his entrance but instead, his lips left my mouth to caress my jaw and then my throat and chest … He kissed every inch of me, sucking on my nipples until they were hard and tender and my thighs were climbing his hips. As he lavished attention on my breasts, he undulated between my legs, his arousal kissing me, teasing me, until I was desperate for more.

  “Wolfe,” I moaned, my nails biting into his back, “I can’t …” I needed him inside me. I needed us to become one.

  “I can’t wait any longer,” he said harshly, and I nodded.

  “Yes, yes, come inside me.”

  His hands depressed the mattress on either side of my head, his chest lifting up off my body. He nudged my knee with his and I opened my legs wider at his silent request.

  I looked up into his eyes.

  He stared back at me, his cheeks flushed, his expression bright with desire and love. My pulse raced faster, impossibly so. I slid my hand around his nape, my fingers curling in his thick, soft hair, and I gently pulled him toward me.

  Our lips brushed, causing my mouth to tingle, but as I traced my tongue along the edge of his upper lip, Wolfe sank into the kiss. I sucked on his tongue and Wolfe stiffened with shock before his groan vibrated down my throat seconds.

  He thrust into me.

  I cried out, the sound swallowed in his deep kiss. A flare of pain rippled up from my lower back to sprinkle shivers across my shoulders, and Wolfe broke the kiss, holding himself above me, still, tense.

  “Rogan,” he panted, “are you all right?”

  As the pain dissipated, I felt only pressure, fullness. “I think you should move.”

  “Stop?” A bead of sweat slid down Wolfe’s temple as he strained above me for control.

  “No.” I assured him, my fingers biting into his shoulders. “But there is more to this … isn’t there?”

  He gave a huff of strangled laughter. “Yes,” he said. “Let me show you how much more.”

  Wolfe withdrew until he was almost gone and then pushed back in. I still ached but as he withdrew again, and glided back in, pleasure began to stir beneath the pinch. And then Wolfe reached between our bodies and his thumb found the bundle of nerves he’d licked and sucked earlier, and my pleasure grew tenfold. The next time Wolfe withdrew, I muffled a cry of surprise at the delicious sensation that moved through me, and I arched my hips trying to pull him back.

  “Haven, Rogan. Your body is haven,” Wolfe growled, and his thrusts picked up speed.

  I slid my hands down his back and clutched at his buttocks, pulling him into me, and his eyes widened marginally.

  “Rogan,” he grunted. “I’ll lose control.”

  “Yes,” I gasped, pushing into the fast pumping of his strong hips. “Yes, Wolfe. Please. Lose—ah!” I tensed and then as before, it shattered, but this time the feel of my muscles rippling around him was even more exquisite. My lower body shuddered against his drives and then Wolfe suddenly froze above me. He threw back his head and yelled his pleasure as his hips juddered against mine. He throbbed inside me, pulsing and pulsing as he found his release.

  “Fuck,” he panted, collapsing over me, one elbow braced to keep from crushing me. He nuzzled my neck as his other hand caressed my body, my breasts, my waist, my hips. He ground into me as if he didn’t want to lose our connection.

  Lifting his head from my throat, our eyes locked.

  I felt known. I felt known and loved down to my very soul.

  Chapter 30

  I never knew I could feel this close and connected to anyone.

  We lay together after our lovemaking, his arm around me, my head on his chest. His heart thumped under my ear, not quite steady.

  Despite my willingness to abandon myself to Wolfe’s loving, reality crept in quickly. My plan had never been to marry. If I were honest with myself, it was because I was afraid to care about too many people. The more people you loved, the more chances you had to lose one of them.

  I didn’t want to love someone as much as I loved Wolfe and have to deal with the pain of losing him. Or worse, have children live with the daily fear of losing the
m too.

  I’d wanted desire, passion, but not love.

  Yet I loved Wolfe.

  I could no longer use his parentage as an excuse to keep him at bay. L, in all her pragmatism, had knocked that wall down so I couldn’t hide behind it anymore. But I had other reasons not to be with Wolfe. I did! This bond with him would mean abandoning Haydyn to become a wife.

  Not only did Haydyn need me but, as much as I loved Wolfe, I couldn’t imagine giving up my freedom to become a society wife. Haydyn and I had years of work ahead of us to reform Phaedra, work that would not be seen as appropriate for the wife of a vikomt. Work that only the Handmaiden of Phaedra would be allowed to do.

  It wasn’t just a choice between Wolfe and Haydyn.

  It was bigger than that.

  It was a choice between Wolfe and the person I wanted to be.

  What he and I had was wonderful now, but in a year’s time, I knew myself well enough to know I’d come to resent the cage of marriage.

  Perhaps I could have Wolfe for a little while. Without marriage. An affair. We could be happy with that … I tried to convince myself.

  For now, as we lay entangled, I didn’t voice any of my concerns, knowing those words would break this beautiful spell we were under.

  Goose bumps spreading up my arm in the wake of his fingertips stroking my skin. “This is nice,” I whispered.

  “Mmm,” Wolfe murmured and pressed a kiss to my temple.

  I snuggled deeper against him.

  “Thank you for coming after me into the mountains, Wolfe. I should have said that before.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “So … you have psychic abilities now?”

  He chuckled. “How long have you been waiting to pester me with questions about that?”

  “Since the night at the Mosses’.”

  “I didn’t say anything about it because I don’t want people to fear me.”

  “Because you’re this astonishingly inconceivable, all-powerful mage?”

  “Yes.”

  I snickered and shook my head. “No one would be afraid of you, Wolfe. You’re too kind to people for them to fear you.”

  “I can be fearsome if I want to be.”

  I hid my smile. “I know.”

  “I can be plenty fearsome.”

  “Oh, I know.”

  “I can—”

  Afraid he’d want to prove how fearsome he could be, I cut him off. “You know, I’ve discovered something interesting on this quest of ours.”

  Wolfe grunted at having been interrupted. “What’s that?”

  I drew away from him to lean up on my elbow. I stared down into his handsome face. “Mage, Wolfe. Quite a few of them.”

  Wolfe frowned. “Well, there have been some …”

  I shook my head impatiently. “For a world in which the mages are apparently dying out, I find it strange to have come across over a handful of them since leaving Silvera. I mean, it seems like too much of a coincidence.”

  “Meaning?”

  “That mages are out there.” I gestured beyond the walls of the bedroom. “Lots of them. I’d bet Haydyn’s Somna plant on that.”

  “Perhaps you’re right. If so, then …”

  I sighed. “It has to be taken into consideration with everything else.”

  “Everything else?”

  Lying back down in his arms, I went on to tell Wolfe about all I had discovered, what I thought of the people of Phaedra and the way we governed.

  “What’s the use in the evocation if we don’t support it with good government? There are places in Phaedra—Alvernia, for one—where good people are lumped in with the bad, and nothing is done to help them.”

  “You know my feelings on the subject. I agree that people are people, no matter their situation or location, have both light and dark within them. And there are certain people I intend to see punished for their crimes, such as Markiz Solom and those damn Iavii. But the bad people will stop being bad when the evocation strengthens again. When Haydyn is well.”

  I growled in frustration. “Not in Alvernia. Haydyn’s evocation begins to wane, and people like L and her family are the ones who suffer, having to live side by side with uncivilized, foul people who need laws and consequences.” Butterflies flapped wildly in my stomach as I drew on my courage to voice my real concern. “What if the evocation is wrong, Wolfe? Do you really think it gives us peace and freedom? Or is it just the pretense of it?

  “We’re so afraid of that shadows you spoke of, of the fire of people’s passions flaming out of control, that we’ve relied on a magic that will die out if Haydyn’s heir is not born with the evocation. Shouldn’t we stop relying on it? Learn to govern without it? Shouldn’t we trust in the light? That the fire within us can live without burning the world to the ground? We’re suppressing human nature, and I’m not sure that it is our right to do so.”

  His chest rose and fell beneath my ear with deep exhalation. “Rogan … what you’re suggesting could have far-reaching consequences. I’m not saying that you aren’t right … but these questions can really only be posed to one person.”

  “Haydyn.”

  “Yes.” Wolfe kissed me lightly on the lips and slid out of bed.

  Despite the turmoil raging inside me, I took great enjoyment watching him dress. I bit my lip. Intimacy between lovers was all Haydyn promised it would be. “Where are you going?”

  Wolfe grinned as he buttoned his shirt and then he leaned over to kiss me. Deeply. I moaned at the taste and wrapped my arms around Wolfe, trying to pull him back down. If he left the room, I was afraid we’d never have this again. The thought panicked me.

  Laughing against my mouth, Wolfe pulled away, his eyes telling me it was with great reluctance. “I have to leave before someone finds me here.”

  I released him.

  We couldn’t be caught together. That was something I’d have to think about if we did begin an affair. We’d have to be careful not to get caught.

  I nodded, wrapping my arms around my drawn-up knees so I wouldn’t touch him again.

  “You are so beautiful,” he told me hoarsely.

  I smiled. “So are you.”

  Within and without.

  Wolfe threw me a boyish smile as he picked up his jacket and strode to the door. Just as he was about to depart, he turned to me.

  “We’ll work it out all, Rogan,” he promised, his expression tender. “After Haydyn is well and good, we’ll get married, and then we can take all the time we need convincing Haydyn of what’s right.”

  Wolfe was gone before I could respond. I groaned and flopped back on my pillow. Damn it. I’d have to tell him.

  I was not looking forward to that.

  Not one little bit.

  Chapter 31

  Ariana was quite possibly the sweetest person I had ever met, even more so than Haydyn, which was quite a feat.

  In contrast to L, it was almost shocking to sit and converse with Ariana—one so gruff and straightforward, the other so gentle and affable. Despite the impact L and the Mosses had made on my life, I found it soothing to sit at a beautiful breakfast table, with refined people, and eat sumptuous food.

  I almost snorted, thinking of all the times I’d argued with Wolfe for calling me Lady Rogan instead of Miss. He’d be happy to know in the end, he was right. I’d been raised a lady since I was a girl, and that had made more of a mark than I’d realized. It was time to accept who I was.

  The Handmaiden of Phaedra.

  We ate companionably, just Ariana and I, as Grof Krill had business to attend to. He still hadn’t returned by the time I was ready to leave. I asked Ariana to thank him for his hospitality and to inform him that I looked forward to seeing them both at the annual Autumn Ball Haydyn held at the palace.

  “I cannot wait to meet again, Lady Rogan.” Ariana hugged me. “It’s been such a pleasure. I do wish you could stay longer.”

  I thought of the pack being tied to Midnight as we spoke. The pac
k with the Somna plant. Haydyn was waiting. We were so close now. I smiled. “We will see each other soon.”

  Catching sight of Wolfe out of the corner of my eye as he mounted his horse, I flushed. Tingles cascaded down my spine and my heart raced like a galloping horse. I needed to tell him. Mind you, I narrowed my eyes in thought, it wasn’t as if he’d actually asked me to marry him. He’d just told me.

  With another farewell to Ariana, I lifted my skirts and strode over to Wolfe. I touched his leg, and he glanced down, his mouth widening into the warmest smile he’d ever bestowed on me. I was struck dumb for a moment.

  “Lady Rogan?”

  For once I didn’t argue with the title. “Wolfe,” I responded in a low voice, glancing around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear. I raised an indignant eyebrow. “Marriage?”

  He exhaled heavily, sensing my tone. Wolfe dismounted and towered over me, standing far closer than propriety allowed. “We made love, Rogan,” he hissed in my ear. “I took your virginity. We have to marry.”

  Have to marry?

  I flinched. “No.” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. All the reasons I had for not marrying him disappearing. All I cared about in that moment was that he hadn’t asked me, and he bloody well was acting like marrying me was a duty, not a desire!

  Wolfe drew a hand through his hair, looking exasperated. “Rogan, don’t do this.” He glanced around, catching Chaeron’s eye, who quickly looked away, whistling under his breath as if he hadn’t been trying to eavesdrop. “We’ll discuss this later.”

  I harrumphed. “There’s nothing to discuss. I’m not marrying you.”

  And like the society girl I tried to tell myself I was nothing like, I flounced away in a dramatic air of petulance and mounted Midnight without looking at Wolfe again.

  Despite my fury, I kept picturing that smile he’d given me when I’d approached him on his horse. That smile made me want to throw all my reasons against marriage out the window.

  I was such a befuddled mess.

  Without Haydyn, I had no one to confide in, and it seemed I was incapable of processing my emotions, sorting out the truths from the excuses. I smiled wearily at the lieutenant as we set off through Raphizya.