Fear of Fire and Shadow

by S. Young

  “Indecent?” Chaeron asked again.

  I shrugged, tempted to take the damn coat off to remind Wolfe I wasn’t one of his men to be ordered around! “I’m wearing trousers. They leave little to the imagination.”

  “Ah.” Chaeron shifted his attention to Wolfe who began to gallop ahead of us. His mouth broke into a wide, knowing grin. “I think you’ll be fine, Miss Rogan. You and Wolfe both.”

  It was cold and black as tar outside by the time we entered Arrana and were allowed entrance into the vojvoda’s home.

  I still had the coat on. Not because Wolfe had ordered it but because my own sense of modesty did. After a day of blazing heat in the valley, my clothes were sticking to me. I needed a bath. Badly.

  As soon as we were inside the mansion, Chaeron took care of everything. I was led to the room I had been given before, and I watched impatiently as the servants filled a tin tub with hot water, leaving rose-scented soap for me. After the last maid had laid out one of my dresses, I politely asked them to leave and removed L’s now-dirty clothing.

  Sinking into the tub was like sinking into my own piece of haven. I breathed a sigh of relief, not really able to comprehend that I had succeeded in retrieving the plant, that I was off those forsaken mountains. I felt as if I’d spent months up there.

  And just like that, I began to cry.

  My chest ached with the harsh sobbing, my throat closing and opening as I struggled to draw breath. Tears scored my cheeks as they rolled down quick as rainfall. I hugged my body, trying to blot out the memory of the mountain man, assuring myself that he’d never get near me again.

  “My lady?” a voice asked, followed by a tapping on the door.

  I swiped at my tears. “I’m fine,” I called out, my voice quavering. “I’m all right.”

  “Are ye sure, my lady?”

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  I waited for the sounds of fading footsteps and then reached for the soap, scrubbing the bar over my body and lathering it into my hair. I couldn’t think about the bad things that had happened to me in Alvernia. I had to think of the good. Like Brint. And L. Especially L. Had I really only known her a matter of days?

  I smiled through my tears, thinking of gruff L Moss who had saved my life and burrowed her way into my much-guarded heart. Haydyn would love her. I couldn’t wait for them to meet. I couldn’t wait to repay the Mosses for all of their kindness.

  Once I had calmed myself, I changed into my dress. The fabric felt strange swishing about my ankles. Encumbering. I kicked out with my legs. I actually missed trousers. Sighing, I braided my hair and frowned at the way the dress lifted from my waist. My clothes no longer fit well.

  Vojvoda Andrei Rada and his son the markiz awaited me with Wolfe in the moody, masculine dining room.

  “There she is,” Vojvoda Andrei called out, approaching me with a fatherly smile. He took my hands, and I found it difficult to smile politely back at him. “Lady Rogan, what a scare you gave us, taking off to tour Alvernia alone.”

  I grimaced at our lie. I grimaced at the way the vojvoda looked down on me condescendingly, in his gated home and isolated city. Where was he for the people of the mountains?

  All my anger and frustration over everything that had happened seethed to the surface. If I’d known this was going to be my reaction at seeing him again, I would never have come down for dinner.

  “Well.” He shrugged, seeming nonplussed by my silence. “I’m very glad the good captain caught up with you to keep you safe. How did you find my rough lands?”

  I thought of L and her forthright honesty. Of the Mosses’ kindness and sincerity. Of Brint Lokam and the people of Hill o’ Hope’s generosity.

  “Like everywhere else in Phaedra, Your Grace. Populated with good people and bad people … and poorly governed.” I straightened my shoulders, jutting my chin defiantly. “If you’ll excuse me.”

  And leaving all three of the men with their mouths hanging open, I spun on my heel and left them to it.

  Chapter 29

  The days ahead were filled with a mixture of anticipation and a sickening coldness.

  I barely ate a thing as we galloped through Daeronia. We stopped to collect the two soldiers in the mining village. The villagers now greeted us with hospitality, offering us bread and shelter. But we didn’t stay long. If our pace had been grueling before, now it was frantic.

  I knew the Guard were curious, that they all suspected something more was afoot, especially since my escape into the mountains. They wondered what on earth had possessed me to go up there. But I didn’t want to panic anyone, especially when we were so close to saving Haydyn. I’d rather they think I’d gone light in the mind than know the truth.

  The times I did sleep, I twisted and turned with nightmares. I dreamed of arriving in Silvera only to find we were too late and Haydyn was gone. I dreamed the mountain man was still alive and chased me into the empty palace and as much as I fought and fought, I could not seem to save myself from his deranged lust.

  And I dreamed of Wolfe.

  Always he stood on the edge of the Silver Cliffs, his eyes pleading with me. I’d make a move toward him and feel a tug on my hand. I’d turn to find Haydyn, shaking her head at me, my parents and little brother behind her, disapproval on their faces. When I looked back at Wolfe, he’d glare at me, hatred filling his eyes. And then he’d fall right over the cliffs into the crashing water.

  I didn’t need to be a scholar to interpret the dream.

  We reached Caera in record time, not stopping long enough for incidents to occur.

  I was exhausted by the time Vojvodkyna Winter welcomed us into her home. Taking in my bedraggled state, she was even kind to me. As she ushered me to the guest suite herself, ordering a bath and food tray, I forgot to be jealous of her. I even came to the conclusion that, as before, I may have judged her too harshly.

  The next morning as the maids giggled in the hallway, all my good feelings toward Winter died.

  It was easy in a household as large as Winter’s for the gossip to reach my ears. Wolfe had been seen leaving Winter’s bedroom early that morning.

  I stumbled when I heard the gossip, pain hitting me in the chest with the force of a sledgehammer. I turned, no longer hungry for breakfast, or able to stand the sight of Wolfe and Winter together. I could barely draw breath; my whole body ached with the grief. With the betrayal.

  But he wasn’t mine, so it wasn’t a betrayal.

  Sniffling back silly tears that were best not wasted on him, I drew on my traveling cloak and clutched the pack with the Somna plant inside.

  It was time to leave.

  Chaeron and the others were visibly confused.

  Before Caera, Wolfe had been the one not talking to me. Now every time he came near me, I was so cold in attitude, it was a wonder ice didn’t crystalize in the surrounding air. Wolfe seemed just as perturbed by this and grew even more indignant. I imagined the lieutenant and the Guard were just as exhausted with us as they were of the journey.

  We crossed into Raphizya, stopping in Ryl to stay with Matai’s cousins again.

  This time I met Mr. Zanst, who welcomed us into his home just as warmly as his wife had. From his dark good looks to his charming stoicism, he reminded me much of Matai … and I longed for home. Mrs. Zanst was so worried for me, I felt terrible for deceiving her, for having been foolish enough to be kidnapped by the Iavii in Ryl. She asked me if I had been treated badly, and I assured her I had escaped unscathed.

  After a wonderfully civilized and pleasantly refreshing evening with the Zansts (perhaps because Wolfe stayed away), the Guard and I set off for Peza. It rained the entire journey. I wasn’t sure if it was because my body had hardened with its recent experiences, but I escaped the head cold that swept through the Guard. Mayhap because of their position distant from the Guard, Wolfe and Lieutenant Chaeron escaped it too. Still, I was glad to reach Grof Krill Rada’s home. I’d never heard men complain so much in my life, and all over a little col
d.

  Grof Krill came bounding out of his mansion with Strider, the wolfhound, at his side. Strider seemed to remember me and my generosity at the dinner table and licked my hand when I reached out to pet him. Grof Krill grinned at me so happily, I was taken aback. We hadn’t exactly left on the best terms.

  “My lord.” I bobbed a curtsy.

  “You are a vision, Lady Rogan.” There was no flirtatiousness in his tone. He seemed genuinely delighted to see me.

  Bemused, I replied, “Thank you, my lord.”

  “Come. I want you to meet someone.”

  As I took his arm and followed him inside, a suspicion grew.

  No. It couldn’t be. Could it?

  As the door was swept open by the butler, my heart pounded. I prayed my suspicion was correct.

  As soon as we stepped inside, I saw her. I broke out into a choked laugh. “Ariana?”

  The pretty young woman came forward in a hurry, her gray eyes brimming with happiness. “Is this her, Krill?”

  “This is she.” He spun me around, gripping me by my upper arms. “How can I ever repay you for writing that letter, Lady Rogan?”

  Ariana joined us, pulling me into a hug, joyful tears filling her eyes as she told me all about receiving the letter; how she couldn’t believe the Handmaiden of Phaedra had written to her; how she so wanted to believe me about Krill’s love for her; how she’d left her life behind and took a chance on what I had confided.

  I chuckled as she barely drew breath.

  Grof Krill and Ariana married three days after her arrival in Peza. She was now Grofka Ariana.

  Exhausted and incredibly elated that I’d done one thing right on this quest of mine, tears welled in my eyes.

  “Lady Rogan, are you all right?” Grof Krill asked anxiously, seeing my eyes shine.

  “I’m fine,” I whispered hoarsely. “I’m just delighted for you and … so very tired.”

  “Oh.” Ariana looked aghast. “Here we’ve been monopolizing your time when you must be so weary from your journey. How ill-mannered of us.”

  “No, no,” I rushed to assure her. “I am so pleased to meet you, Ariana, and I am so happy I had a hand in bringing you and Grof Krill together. It’s just been such a long trip.”

  I struggled to hold back the frustrating tears.

  With a perception that bothered me, Grof Krill straightened his spine in alert. “Nothing untoward has happened to you, Lady Rogan?”

  “No, no. Please … I just need to rest.”

  “Krill, stop pestering the poor girl,” Ariana admonished gently. She took my arm. “Come, I shall show you to your room.”

  Ariana left me in the suite I’d stayed in my last visit and sent for a supper tray to be brought to me. With one last grateful hug, she departed the room, and I flopped down on the bed. I was glad the grof had gotten his happily ever after. At least someone had.

  The food arrived, and delicious though it was, I barely tasted it as I shoveled it down. I kept seeing Winter at the door to her mansion, waving her handkerchief at Wolfe with that knowing, intimate look in her eyes.

  I slid back on the bed and rested my head against a fluffy, gold-brocade pillow, willing the nightmares away tonight. I’d give anything for a restful, dreamless sleep.

  My eyes were just closing when I heard the handle on the door turn. Someone was entering without knocking. I bolted upright at the impudence, the blood whooshing in my ears when the intruder revealed himself.

  Wolfe.

  He closed the door behind him and turned the lock.

  I glared at him as he leaned against the door, his expression inscrutable.

  “Grof Krill and Grofka Ariana are so sickeningly happy, I had to get away from them.”

  I was surprised by his even tone. There was no ice in his eyes.

  “Get out,” I snapped, feeling the hurt roll over me again in crashing waves.

  Wolfe’s expression hardened. “No.” He shook his head and pushed away from the door, striding toward me. “I’m fed up with fighting with you. It’s exhausting. I keep waiting for you to come to your senses … but I realized something today.”

  I continued glowering. “What was that?”

  He stopped inches from me so I had to crane my neck to meet his eyes. “You never just come to your senses, Rogan. You have to have them shaken into you.” He reached out to touch my cheek and I jerked away, ignoring his wounded look as he dropped his hand. “I love you, Rogan.”

  All the pain and anger I felt brimmed over in my eyes. “Then why did you bed Winter when we were in Caera?”

  Wolfe looked stunned.

  Then he slowly lowered himself onto the bed beside me and attempted to reach for my hands.

  I shook my head at him.

  He sighed. “Rogan, I never bedded Winter. I never touched her. I shared a room with Chaeron that night. You can ask him. You know he won’t lie to you.”

  Confusion plus his proximity made my skin flush hot. “What?”

  “I was nowhere near her. The last time we were in Caera, I told Winter there would never be anything between us again because … because I love you. I’m in love with you.”

  I trembled, hope desperately clambering its way back into my heart. I tried to shake it out but it clung on. “The servants were gossiping about you. They said you were seen leaving her bedroom in the morning.”

  Wolfe huffed in exasperation. “Winter likes to use her servants for her little games. She wants me back, Rogan. She’s trying to build a wall between us.”

  “You refused to converse with me, even look at me. There was already a wall.”

  He reached for me, his fingers whispering down my cheek. Then his hand slid beneath my hair to cup my nape. I shivered at his gentle touch. “I was terrified, Rogan. Every time I think about what could have happened … what did happen … I—”

  “Wolfe, don’t,” I urged, shushing him. I reached for his other hand and threaded my fingers through his. His skin was warm and rough against mine.

  “I don’t want a wall between us ever again,” Wolfe whispered.

  I looked up to find his eyes on my face. I saw his fear. Fear of rejection. And I hated that I was the cause of it.

  Slowly, my breath hitching, I leaned across the space between us and pressed my lips to his. Wolfe sat tense, unmoving as I kissed him, as if he was afraid to touch me.

  I retreated.

  There was desire in his eyes but also wariness, uncertainty, and concern. It took me a moment to understand what had put all of that there. “He didn’t hurt me, Wolfe. He didn’t … rape me.”

  Wolfe swallowed, his eyes glistening. “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  Tentatively, he lifted our clasped hands off the bed and kissed my knuckles.

  “Are you going to seduce me, Wolfe, or am I going to have to seduce you?”

  Wolfe’s eyes darkened as his lips curved into that wicked smile. “I’m happy with either scenario.”

  Made bold by his declaration of love, I pressed my lips to his throat. He groaned, tilting his head back a little as I kissed my way up to his jaw. He needed to shave. His stubble tickled my lips, and something about the feel of it scratching my skin made me burn hotter.

  With a growl of impatience, Wolfe’s lips crashed down over mine.

  His kiss was deep, hungry, coaxing; his tongue gently teased mine. As I melted into it, he laid me back on the bed. My thighs naturally parted and he fell between my legs, covering my body with his. I pulled at his shirt until I could slip my hands beneath it, forcing the fabric up so I could explore his hard stomach. The ridges of muscle me tremble with want. He was hard to my soft, and the evidence of his utter masculinity pleased me. A ripple of hot sensation moved deep and low in my belly.

  Wolfe broke the kiss, but only so he could remove his shirt. He threw it behind him and I let my eyes wander down his torso.

  Goose bumps awoke all over me.

  He was so beautiful.

  “I don�
�t think anyone has ever called me that before,” he murmured, amused. And I realized I’d spoken out loud.

  I grinned, nervous but excited for what was to come. “Should I undress?” I whispered.

  His eyes flashed with hunger. “Let me help.”

  I sat up and turned so he could unbutton my gown, my pulse racing at the feel of his fingertips brushing my silk chemise.

  “Lie back.”

  I did as he asked and gazed up at him in wonder as he pulled on the sleeves of the dress and then tugged the fabric down over my breasts. His eyes darkened as the thin chemise was revealed. My nipples were visible through the fabric. I flushed hotly, wondering if I pleased him as much as he pleased me.

  The way his eyes turned molten suggested so.

  “Rogan …” He practically growled with impatience as he slid down the bed, pulling the dress with him until I lay there in nothing but transparent silk.

  I took hold of the chemise and raised it up as I lifted one leg out toward him, toe pointed. “Stockings next.”

  Wolfe’s chest rose and fell in shallow breaths as he climbed back onto the bed on his knees. My eyes dropped to follow his movements, and I saw his arousal straining against his trousers.

  I experienced another tug deep in my womb and let out a mewl of need.

  “I’m trying to be gentle and patient,” he said, his voice hoarse as he reached for my outstretched leg. “But if you keep making noises like that, I might lose my mind.”

  I bit my lip, rather enjoying the power I seemed to wield over him.

  As if he read my thoughts, Wolfe shook his head, but he wore a teasing smile. A smile that darkened as he coasted his fingers up my calf, tickling the back of my knee, before coming to a stop on my thigh where the stocking ended.

  Sensation shot along my skin in luscious tingles from his point of contact. The higher his fingertips tickled my thighs, the more it felt as if he were touching me between my legs.