Secrets On the Clock

by Nicole Disney

  “We used to date.”

  Jenna looked away and shook her head.

  “I should have told you.” Danielle gathered Jenna’s hands in hers. “I was going to tell you Friday. Remember I said I had something to tell you too?”

  “I don’t understand,” Jenna said. “Why didn’t you just tell me right away? Were you considering going back to her?”

  “No. That was never part of it, Jenna. I swear. It was just that you already thought I should kick Brianna out when I told you she was an alcoholic. I was afraid if I told you this too you’d be jealous and try to make me throw her out, and I can’t do that. She won’t make it on her own. It’s important to me to help her, but we’re not together.”

  “God, I feel like such an idiot,” Jenna said.

  “I’m so sorry,” Danielle said. She searched Jenna for a hint of what she was thinking. She had to understand. Danielle had to convince her.

  Jenna shook her head, waiting for the new voices in the hall to pass. “I can’t do this.”

  Danielle’s heart fell into her stomach, and she tried to cover her surprise. She stared into Jenna, but she couldn’t penetrate her armor.

  “I’m sorry, Jenna. But there’s nothing going on with Brianna. There hasn’t been in a long time. Please believe me.”

  “I want to, but this whole time I’ve been telling you all this stuff about myself, stuff I don’t tell anyone. I told you everything about the case, and you judged me. I told you about my family, and you judged them. And this whole time I didn’t press you about your past, and now I find out you kept it a secret to control my reaction. I’ve been risking everything for you, and you wouldn’t do it back. You couldn’t even trust me to understand you, like I would force you to do something you didn’t want to? And now I’m supposed to give up my career while Brianna tells me what you’re like in bed? I’m supposed to trust you even more? I can’t, Danielle. I’m sorry.”

  Danielle was shaken. Her throat felt swollen, and her chest burned, but she wouldn’t let herself cry. Not in front of Jenna. Not at work. She thought about asking for another chance. She thought about apologizing again. She even thought about begging, but she couldn’t do any of that. She made a mess of things, and even though it seemed like too much to end things entirely, it would be better for Jenna. Why beg for a relationship that was going to be a problem simply by existing? How could she expect Jenna to take her up on that?

  She just nodded in the absence of her ability to form words. She was shocked how bad it hurt. It hadn’t been that long. It shouldn’t hurt so bad.

  “I understand,” she finally managed. She couldn’t look at Jenna again. She’d fall apart. She turned and left, straining to hear Jenna’s call after her that wasn’t there.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Jenna wasted the entire day staring at her computer screen rereading lines she would never focus on long enough to understand. She just wanted to go home and fall apart. The workday was winding to a close by the time she opened a blank email.

  Her dead fingers ran across the keyboard in a mechanical flurry as she crafted the letter to Paula Caliery. She passed on the transfer and threw herself at the feet of whatever discipline was deemed appropriate. She was disgusted calling Danielle a momentary indiscretion. She cried as she promised it was over, that she would sign the documents, and that they could work together professionally. And then she hit send without indulging the urge to linger over it. It was done.

  She didn’t notice Sasha filling her doorway until she pointedly cleared her throat. Jenna looked up, and Sasha came inside and closed the door.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ve been crying.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You bailed on drinks.”

  “Yeah.”

  Sasha sat in one of the chairs on the opposite side of her desk. They were meant for guests, for business, clients, but all Jenna had experienced with them so far was personal drama.

  “Door is closed,” Sasha said. “You can tell me.”

  Jenna stared at her lap and shook her head.

  “Do they have the room bugged? You under that tight of surveillance?”

  Jenna cracked a smile and looked at Sasha, torn between her need for a friend and her suspicion. “Was it you?”

  “No,” Sasha said, then smiled. “What are we talking about?”

  “Someone told Paula.”

  “Told Paula what, honey? Full sentences. Were you smoking weed in the bathroom or something?”

  “About Danielle. I know you knew; you told me not to go there.”

  “Shit,” Sasha said. “Someone told Paula.” Sasha’s sympathy read genuine, but Jenna still felt beat up by her broken trust with Danielle.

  “And I’m your best suspect?” Sasha asked. “You must be hurting for clues.”

  “You’re the only one who knew.”

  “No, I’m the only one who said something. And I said something because I didn’t want Paula to find out.”

  “Who else knew?”

  Sasha shrugged. “I’m not sure. No one said anything to me. I just assume if I could figure it out other people could too.”

  “So, it wasn’t you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “If it was, just tell me. Please. I can’t handle any more bullshit.”

  “Jenna Ann Thompson, I’ll let you accuse me once, but I’m not prepared to accept you think so little of our friendship that you truly believe I would do that to you.”

  Jenna felt a tear spill down her cheek, and she let Sasha hug her even though she knew it would open the floodgates. She let a few more tears fall before she pushed Sasha gently away and wiped her cheeks dry.

  Sasha checked her watch. “You want to grab a beer?”

  “Not really.”

  “You obviously didn’t get fired, so I have to assume the tears are something else. As your best friend, I demand you come out for beer. Or we can go to my place, or yours. Wherever.”

  Jenna laughed, and as weak and forced as it was, it felt good. She nodded.

  “Okay, but wine, not beer. And your place? I don’t really want to go out, and Callie just yelled at me for bringing someone over last week. I don’t want to deal with another fight with her.”

  Sasha visibly held back what she wanted to say. “Yep, my place it is, and we’re adding that to our list of topics to cover.”

  “All right, but save it for the second bottle.”

  “Deal.”

  Jenna grabbed her jacket and draped it over her arm, then shoved her work laptop into her bag.

  Sasha scoffed. “Don’t even bother. You’re not working tonight.”

  “It’s for tomorrow. I’m working from home.”

  “I like your style, Thompson. She gets in trouble, and she reacts by cutting out early to drink and stays home the next day.”

  “Well, jeez, don’t talk me out of it.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it. After you.”

  They headed for the parking lot together. Jenna felt like everyone was watching her. Every person that passed, she wondered if they knew, what they’d heard, if they were the one who told. She knew in some measure people just liked knowing secrets. They liked to gossip, but she couldn’t help but feel at least somewhat personally attacked. Whoever told Paula knew she would get in significant trouble, and they’d done it in spite of that, or maybe because of it.

  When they got to the lot, Jenna saw Danielle. She was leaned against the front of her car staring at her phone. She felt Sasha and Danielle both studying her, and she knew her cheeks were coloring under the pressure. It felt like a month since she’d seen Danielle, not a handful of hours. Her insides felt like they were collapsible, crashing into her gut.

  “Meet you at your place,” Jenna said.

  “You sure? We can just go in my car if you want. I’m planning to get you too drunk to drive.”

  “I’m planning to oblige, but at the very
least I’ll need to drive home in the morning.”

  “Okay, see you there then.”

  When they parted ways, Jenna could feel Danielle scrutinizing her, watching the exchange. Jenna would go crazy guessing at what she might be thinking, so she quickly resolved not to entertain the possibilities. She tried to strike the balance of not walking with her nose in the air avoiding Danielle’s eyes, but also not meeting them, where she was sure she’d drown. Jenna’s entire body flexed anticipating Danielle saying something, but she didn’t.

  When she finally pulled up in front of Sasha’s house she breathed with relief. She opened the door without knocking, reminding herself how good of friends they were. If anyone could make her feel better, it was Sasha, though she had her doubts tonight.

  “Crackin’ into it now,” Sasha said from the kitchen as she worked on the corkscrew. Jenna sat on Sasha’s brown cloth couch. Her whole house felt tan, the walls light tan, the carpets dark tan, the furniture brown or wooden. She’d teased Sasha about it more than once in the past, but it felt warm tonight, comforting. Sasha emerged from the kitchen and handed Jenna a glass of wine, then settled into the chair that was angled to face the couch.

  “So?” she said. “Hit me with it.”

  “Danielle and I broke up.”

  Sasha raised her hand as she was taking a large gulp of wine. “Pause, don’t forget you have to start from the beginning because you haven’t been telling me a damn thing!” Sasha scowled at her. “I knew I saw some pretty serious vibes going on between you, but broke up means you were a couple. Did you guys get serious?”

  “I don’t know. It feels kind of stupid when you say it that way. We didn’t even know each other that long. But…” Jenna paused. “Yeah, it was serious.”

  “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this.”

  “I couldn’t,” Jenna said. “It was a secret.”

  “A secret you knew I knew.”

  “But you didn’t approve. I didn’t want to make you part of it. And it all went by so fast. I spent the first half of it telling myself it wasn’t happening, but it was.”

  “I’ll say.”

  “Well, that’s it,” Jenna said. “That’s what’s going on.”

  “Jenna, I’ve known you a long time, and I know you don’t get serious with girls lightly. If you’re in love with her you can’t let this job stop you. It’s a good job, but there are lots of good jobs, and your résumé is beautiful.”

  “You think I should quit my job for her?”

  “No, not necessarily, but you could, you know? You’d be okay. I just hate to see you crying at work. It’s kind of the poster image for not worth it.”

  “It wasn’t the job that broke us up.”

  “Oh.” Sasha retrieved the bottle of wine, refilling their glasses and keeping the bottle at hand. “What happened?”

  “You remember her roommate, the one that came to the party?”

  “Yes,” Sasha dragged out the word.

  “Ex-girlfriend slash roommate slash pining lover.”

  “Oh God.” Sasha put her palm to her forehead. “So, there’s something going on there?”

  Jenna shrugged, suddenly feeling more angry than anything else. “Hell if I know. Brianna told me there was.”

  “And Danielle?”

  “She says not for a long time, but she also told me Brianna was just a friend. She never fessed up that they dated, not until I made it very clear I already knew. And she has no intention of kicking Brianna out. She says it’s important to her to help Brianna with her alcohol problem. Even if Danielle and I can get past this, she’ll still be living with Brianna. It would drive me crazy. How can I believe her now? I don’t want to be that jealous girl that questions everything out of someone’s mouth. I don’t like to act that way, and I don’t like the feeling.”

  “I hear you,” Sasha said. “If Brianna is really an alcoholic mess I can’t believe Danielle is hung up on her.”

  Jenna shrugged. “Maybe she’s not such a mess. Maybe that’s a lie. I have no idea what to think anymore.”

  “You really think it was all bullshit? I saw the way she looked at you. It looked real.”

  Jenna felt tears tickling the back of her eyes. “I thought so too, but I just don’t know, and I had to answer Paula today about what I’m going to do. I told her I ended it. I just couldn’t transfer, leave all you guys, for a maybe.”

  “Dang. Makes sense.”

  “So that’s that.”

  “I guess so,” Sasha said. She hugged Jenna. “You going to be okay?”

  “Of course,” Jenna said, but she didn’t feel it. She couldn’t believe how broken she felt, how much she ached for Danielle already. The moments of anger she was able to muster here and there were nothing next to the overwhelming sadness and yearning she felt the rest of the time.

  “And I want to know who the hell ratted me out.”

  Sasha shrugged. “I really can’t help you with that, kid. I have no idea.”

  “Paula wouldn’t say.”

  “Course not.”

  “Am I hated and I don’t know it?” Jenna asked.

  “Oh, honey, of course not. You’re our favorite.”

  “Obviously not.”

  “Did you…” Sasha paused to chuckle. “Did you get affectionate in public? Maybe it was a client?”

  Jenna shook her head. “Impossible.”

  “It could be anyone,” Sasha said. “You’ll probably never know. And even if you found out you’d just hate them, and you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. It’s probably better you don’t know.”

  Jenna sighed. “You’re right. It’s bad enough I’m going to have to try to act normal working with Danielle. I don’t need a war with someone on top of it. I just hate thinking I’m walking around being friends with someone who did that.”

  Jenna’s phone buzzed from the coffee table. Sasha and Jenna both stared at it without moving, then looked at each other.

  “Want me to look?” Sasha asked.

  “Yes.”

  Sasha picked up the phone. “It’s just Callie. She wants to know when you’re coming home to…” Sasha squinted. “To make her dinner? Oh, hell no, why do you put up with this crap, Jenna? She’s twenty damn years old.”

  Jenna grabbed the phone. Sasha tried to keep it, but Jenna wrenched it away. Sasha laughed.

  “You better be telling her to get off her ass and eat some cereal straight from the box like every other person on the planet who doesn’t want to cook.”

  “I’m telling her I’m not coming home and to order.”

  “So she can burn a hole in your wallet instead of your shoes? Seriously, Jenna, cut her off.”

  Jenna sent the text and threw her phone back on the table. “What do you mean cut her off? She’s not the average twenty-year-old, Sash. She can’t even leave the house. She’s terrified of people. It might be unreasonable, but it’s very real to her.”

  “What does that have to do with going into the kitchen and cooking her own meals?”

  “Nothing.” Jenna sighed. “She just needs a lot of help.”

  “No, she doesn’t. They’re just scars. It’s terrible, you know I appreciate that, but she’s physically capable. She’s taking advantage of you.”

  “Not intentionally. She just…” Jenna paused. “I don’t know, it’s like she stopped growing up when the burns happened. She’s just stuck in that frame of mind. It’s a trauma thing. It’s real.”

  “I know it’s real, honey, but it’s not okay. You feel guilty about what happened, and she knows that. She uses it to make you wait on her hand and foot. And you let her.”

  “I know.” Jenna sighed.

  Sasha opened her mouth, ready to make her next point, but stopped in surprise. “You do?”

  “Sure,” Jenna said. “I’m not blind. I know it’s a problem, and I’m trying to help her onto the right path. Cutting her off or throwing her out or whatever you’re suggesting won’t fix it, though. Wh
erever I failed along the way to make her a functioning adult, I need to figure out how to fix it. I raised a girl who has no idea how to make it in the world. It’s hardly fair to throw her into that world just to rid myself of a nuisance.”

  “I think you’re simplifying quite a bit.”

  “Maybe.” Jenna shrugged. “But I can’t just abandon her.”

  “No one is saying anything about abandoning her, girl. Just start with making her feed herself.”

  Jenna fell into a fit of laughter as the absurdity of Callie’s refusal to make her own dinner hit her. Her head was swimming with wine. She downed the rest of the glass and stretched out on the couch.

  “God, I just want to stop thinking about them. Both of them.”

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Danielle opened the door to the apartment in a fury, determined to hold on to the feeling even though it was the sadness that really wanted her. Brianna wasn’t in the living room for once. Danielle didn’t for a second believe that was coincidence. She stormed into Brianna’s bedroom and found it was empty too.

  Danielle went into the kitchen and poured a rare, stiff drink. If Brianna thought staying out until four in the morning was going to protect her, she was mistaken. She’d have to come home at some point, and Danielle resolved to sit at the dining table staring at the door until she did. She refused to let Brianna avoid the worst of the storm. She refused to give her what she wanted by calming down over time. She should have told Jenna they dated up front, but it was Brianna’s lies that shook her trust so deeply, that had planted the possibility of the worst.

  It was three in the morning, and Danielle was fighting sleep when she finally heard Brianna’s key slip into the lock. Brianna opened the door slowly, emerging through it in a half crouch as if that would somehow make her quieter. She straightened when she saw Danielle sitting at the table, then smiled and stumbled inside.

  “Hey, beautiful! I was trying not to wake you.” She glanced at Danielle’s drink on the table, then at Danielle. She rushed over and hugged Danielle, her forearm sloppily circling her head like a blindfold. Danielle pried her arm off and slung it away.