Cross of Ivy

by Roxi Bahar Hewertson

  Zach laid on top of her, searching for his place. When he found it, Abby screamed, immediately alert as though someone had thrown ice water on her. She tried to move him, but he was too heavy and too strong and oblivious to her pain.

  “Stop it! Zach, Stop! Please!” She screamed again, but he covered her mouth with his, pushing his tongue through her teeth. She tried to refuse him, turning her head, but he would not be denied. Unable to fight anymore, she collapsed under his weight. He raised up and pounded his body into hers over and over and over again. His face contorted, and his mouth fell open. He groaned until all the air was out of his lungs. Zach let himself down, squashing her beneath his sweaty chest.

  Abby’s breathing was labored, her heart palpitating. Zach shifted his weight enough to give her a little space. She was sobbing.

  “You hurt me! My God, what have you done!” The rum was gone, leaving Abby stone sober.

  “Aw, c’mon, Sugar. It was great. You sure had a good time. Gees, I thought you were a virgin.” Zach rolled off her and pulled on his pants.

  “I was,” she mumbled. A sudden calm came over Abby. She stopped crying. Through clenched teeth she hissed, “I hate you, Zach! You forced me!”

  “Ah, c’mon, little girl. You enjoyed it, I know you did, okay?”

  “It’s not okay, you bastard! You don’t believe me, and you don’t care about me at all.” Abby struggled back into her clothes and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. She looked pale and grey, like she was about to throw up.

  “Sure I do. Okay, look, I thought you were having a good time, that’s all. I mean you acted like you were.”

  “You got me drunk, and you know it. What if something happens? Did you ever think...”

  “Hey. Nothin’s gonna happen. I mean, no big deal. People do it all the time, and it was just once, okay, so don’t worry about it.”

  Zach stood up. “Listen, I wanted this to be a special night, you know. This will make it even better, you’ll see.” Zach reached in his pocket and pulled out a gold pin.

  “Better? You hurt me. What could make it better?”

  “I was gonna ask you to get pinned, you know, steady like. But first I had to know if you were gonna be, well you know, gonna be all mine.”

  “Pinned?” Abby was stunned.

  “Yeah, it means you’re mine and I’m yours, and we’ll see how it goes from here. So, you wanna be or not?”

  “I don’t know,” Abby sniffed.

  “Look, I never asked a girl to be pinned before.”

  “Do you mean that?” she wiped her tears away with her hands.

  Zach got down on the grass next to Abby. He looked at the ground. “Yeah, sure I do. And I don’t want some hairy-assed guy to touch you, ever. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Christ girl, will you take my pin or not?”

  “Do you promise never to hurt me again like that?”

  “Sure, sure. It just gets better, trust me.”

  Zach fumbled with Abby’s sweater and pinned the gold coat of arms to it. He helped her stand and hugged her.

  “Well, Cinderella, we better go before you turn into a pumpkin or your mother sends the patrol after us or something.” He laughed and kissed her on the cheek.

  “Mama. Oh, my God! What am I gonna say to Mama?”

  “Tell her we’re pinned, that’s all, just pinned,” he said.

  It was long after midnight when they pulled up to the house. Abby dreaded the idea of going in. What would she say? When they reached the steps, Zach stopped. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow, Sugar.” He patted her bottom and turned to go. She put the key in the door, went inside and heard the engine start to vibrate.

  “Abby, is that you, darling?” Mary’s voice hit Abby like a two by four. “Yes, Mama. I’ll be there in a minute.” Abby could feel the hardness in her throat. She ran to the bathroom and washed her face with cold water. She brushed her hair, and put on some make-up, in a vain attempt to hide her puffy eyes. The trip from the bathroom to her mother’s bedroom seemed to take an hour.

  “Goodnight, Mama.” Abby leaned over to kiss her mother, hoping she could just kiss her and go to bed.

  Mary stared at her daughter and bolted straight up.

  “Abby, what on earth happened?” Mary wasn’t looking at Abby’s face. She was looking at the sweater.

  Abby looked down at herself and gasped. Her mother’s pale green sweater had no pearl buttons on the front. The only decoration was a tiny gold pin.

  CHAPTER 22

  The next night, Zach arrived at six-thirty sharp. He saw Abby coming out the door and got out of his car to meet her.

  “Hey there, good lookin’,” he said.

  She couldn’t meet his eyes. As she climbed into the car, she said, “Let’s go to the park. We have to talk.”

  “Sure.” He got in and started the engine. “About what?”

  “About last night,” she said.

  They drove into the park, and Zach turned off the car. “Okay, shoot.”

  “I would if I could. First of all, don’t you ever try that again. Second of all, I was a virgin and you ruined all that against my will, so you’re gonna have to live with that when you go to church, if you go to church. And third, you have to apologize to my mother for what you did and pray that you haven’t started something you can’t finish.”

  It had taken all afternoon to rehearse that speech, but Abby felt better as soon as it was out.

  “I have never, ever run into somebody like you, girl. You got guts, I’ll give you that. Okay, I’m sorry I got you drunk, but I didn’t force you to drink, remember? If you say you were a virgin, then fine. But I’m not gonna apologize for enjoying what we did, and I know you got off, you can’t deny that. But I won’t try nothin’ again, unless you say so, I promise.” He took a deep breath and sat back against the door of the car, looking exasperated.

  “And my mother?” Abby asked.

  “I can’t believe you told your mother! Gees, why’d you go and do that?”

  “My sweater was on inside out and she noticed, okay? What was I supposed to do? She doesn’t know everything, she just knows I had my sweater off, but that was enough.”

  “What am I supposed to say to your mother? Sorry I deflowered your daughter, I thought she wanted me to, but I guess I was mistaken?” Zach’s eyes were flashing.

  “You can come in tonight and tell her that you’re sorry you got fresh, that you were wrong, and that it will never happen again.”

  “Okay, okay. If that’ll fix it, then that’s what I’ll do. Satisfied?”

  “No.”

  “Jesus, girl. What do you want from me?”

  “What if...what if you got me in trouble?”

  Zach looked away from her. He lowered his voice. “That’d be a problem. I dunno. Course most of the time I use rub...protection. I guess I forgot ‘em last night.”

  “Yeah, I guess you did. What do you mean, most of the time?”

  “Before you, okay? You think I’ve been livin’ like a priest? Anyhow, we’ll cross that bridge. I’ll make it right; don’t worry. My daddy’s got money, and I’ll figure somethin’ out if I have to. What about us? What about my pin? Are you gonna heave that back at me, too?” Zach’s voice had an edge to it now.

  Abby looked at him long and hard. “Not a chance,” she finally said. “You wanted all of me, and you got all of me, so now you’re stuck, mister.” Abby’s face softened. “It shouldn’t have happened, Zach, but it did. For some reason, I still want to be with you, really.” Stuck was how she felt. No one else would want her now, not to marry, not to take home to his mother. She was used merchandise. Zach had made it so, and now he was all she had.

  “Okay, Sugar! Then let’s just forget it,” he said and smiled back at her. Abby watched his face. It was an incredible face. She had said her piece, after all, just like she rehearsed with Emmy. And
he had listened, and he had promised. Maybe this was just meant to be. She prayed it was.

  “Well, all right, just this once,” she said.

  Zach took Abby to get a burger and a shake. Between bites, she said, “So, how come I’ve never met any of your family? Aren’t I good enough to meet the Trudeaus?”

  “You would hate mother, and anyway I don’t see eye to eye with my daddy. He isn’t...well, he isn’t who I thought he was, and we don’t have nothin’ to talk about. My mother whines all the time and drives me nuts, so the only reason to go home is to see my brother Luke. Me and him get along real good. Always have.”

  “I guess you haven’t gone out with many girls like me, have you? I mean, I bet you’re supposed to see only the girls who have big houses and servants and stuff.”

  “Nobody tells me who to see. I see who I want. That was the old way, but not anymore. This is the sixties, you know, and I’m my own man. My daddy can’t tell me nothin’ and he knows it.”

  “Have you ever been in love, Zach?”

  “In love? Ha. Well maybe, but it doesn’t matter, and I don’t want to talk about it, not now, not ever, ya hear? What’s it matter anyways?” he asked.

  Behind his eyes Abby thought she saw a sadness, some kind of pain that he covered up with his flip and cocky remarks. Maybe it was the pain that made him so desirable, so needy. She thought if she could save him, she might be able to fix whatever was gnawing at him.

  “I was in love once,” she said. “He wanted to marry me, too, and have babies and live on a farm. But Mama said I had to go to school first. And that was that. He wouldn’t wait. I guess it wasn’t love after all.”

  “But you never slept with him, right?” Zach squinted at her.

  “No, I told you that already. We believed in waiting ‘til we were married. I didn’t with him...and well, I wouldn’t have with you.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, I better take you home now and see your mother. Let’s just get it over with.” Zach turned away from her and started the car.

  “I’ve changed my mind. You don’t have to. It’s enough that you were willing to come in. I’ll tell her,” Abby said.

  “Yeah?” Zach’s voice betrayed his relief.

  “Yeah,” she said.

  He took her home, kissed her on the cheek and drove off, screeching his wheels on the pavement. She headed for the front door. Mary was sitting in her favorite overstuffed horsehair chair.

  “Well?”

  “He was ready to come in and apologize, but I told him he didn’t have to. He apologized to me, and we’re still pinned.” Abby looked right at her mother, feeling like she had to defend Zach for some reason.

  “I see,” Mary said.

  “I’m not a child anymore, Mama. I can do what I want and see who I want.” Abby was surprised by her own words, but she didn’t stop. “And I am going to keep seeing Zach.”

  “Is that so? And who am I, nobody? It looks like you’re getting a little too big for your britches, young lady. You still live in my house and you’ll live by my rules. And I don’t want you to see this boy again. He’s nothing but trouble.”

  “Well, maybe it’s too late.”

  “That’s silly, and you know it.”

  Abby felt defiant. “Well, maybe I’m in trouble,” Abby announced.

  “What? Oh, Abby, how could you?” Mary’s face twisted into a grimace, and she jumped out of her chair. Abby turned her back to her mother.

  “It just happened, that’s all.” She spun around and looked Mary square in the face. “So, you see, Mama, you don’t have anything to say about my life anymore. I gave up Wills for you, but I’m not going to give up Zach.”

  “I didn’t make you...”

  “You did! You made me feel guilty about giving up school to get married. You made me feel so small and helpless, like you always do.” Abby was crying with rage.

  “Abby, you know it was the right thing to do. Why are you saying these things? I’ve protected you all these years just so you would have choices, wouldn’t have to get married to anybody. I’ve had to be mother and father to you.”

  “That was your choice. But I wanted to marry Wills, and I lost him. I won’t lose Zach if I can help it. Besides, who else would want me now? I want a family of my own and children and a home of my own. I’m old enough to know what I want, and you can’t stop me.”

  “Abigail Frances!”

  “Goodnight, Mama.” Abby ran to her room, locked the door, and crawled under her quilts. She felt different somehow. Hurt and angry, but free and changed. Decisions about her life were hers now. She hoped she was up to it.

  Mary stared after her daughter, put her face in her hands and wept.

  Three weeks later, in the darkness of his car, Abby and Zach sat miles away from each other, staring out on the Mississippi from Sugar Point.

  “I’m glad I’m not in trouble, aren’t you glad?” Abby asked him.

  “You bet. Cripes, the last thing I wanted was a kid,” he said.

  “Yeah, me too. I mean, with school and all. So maybe we should celebrate, huh?” she said. “Yeah,” he said flatly.

  There was a long pause; each was lost in their own thoughts and neither of them rushed in to fill the silence. Finally, Abby spoke.

  “I lied, Zach.”

  “About what?”

  “There’s a part of me that wanted to have your baby. It’s stupid, I know, but I can’t help it.” Abby looked out the window.

  “Really?”

  She shook her head. It took him a minute to digest her words. He’d never told her what he’d been thinking. He’d never told anyone what he really thought. To do so would give his power away, diminish him somehow. But the idea of settling down with her, waking up with her, taking care of her, all of it felt good somehow, grown up and good. His fear of loneliness was so well disguised, even he didn’t know it was there, yet it drove so many of his decisions. His parents would disapprove, of course. Not of his class, they would say, he was sure of that. All the better. He was his own man now. After all, she’d look good on his arm when he needed her there. And Abby was Catholic. He hadn’t been to confession for four years, and he’d never go again, but marrying within the faith had been so completely drilled into his being that it mattered, more than class, more than anything. He’d even told Tommy he was surprised he’d only messed around once since he’d met Abby.

  “Well, we could do it legal and get hitched. You know, Miami wants me in the spring. Yeah, we could get hitched and move away from here, away from everybody. Just you and me in Miami. Wanna?”

  “Get married and move away? Are you serious, Zach?” Abby couldn’t believe his words. She’d always dreamed about her wedding, with Papa Cory giving her away and a long, white train of lace trailing behind her as she walked up the aisle. But moving away, that had not been part of her dream.

  “It’s not such a bad idea, is it?” he asked and leaned toward her.

  “I didn’t think you were the marrying kind, Zach,” Abby said.

  “Shoot, everybody gets married someday, and besides there’s no point in both of us being alone.” Zach’s face tensed, “And I don’t want nobody else touching you. You’re mine, and I like it that way, ya know?”

  “Are you saying you love me, Zach?”

  “Sure, yeah, that’s it. We’re good together, me and you.”

  Zach looked at her – an edge seeped into his voice. “But I’m not gonna be tied down to the house like a puppy dawg, and I’m gonna still go out with my buddies, and I don’t want you tellin’ me what to do all the time. I mean, I’ll be the man of the house and all.”

  Abby reached over to his side of the car and with her hand turned his face to hers. She slid next to him and placed her lips on his. He kissed her back, barely touching at first.

  “I love you, Zach. I don’t want you to leave without me. It’s not good for us to be alone. I’ll take good care of you and our house and the babies we’ll have someday. I prom
ise.”

  “You really mean it?” he asked.

  She kissed him again, letting her body answer. He reached for her and grabbed her waist. The kiss deepened as he probed her mouth with his. She let him take her, closing her eyes as tight as they would push together. If they were going to be married, she thought, one more time wouldn’t matter.

  “Ahhh,” he groaned as the sweat rolled off his forehead. “Now, Sugar, that’s the way a little woman should be. You remember that, and we’ll be happier than frogs in the swamp!”

  Abby pulled up her jeans. “I’ll do my best, Zach, really I will. We better go home now and tell Mama.”

  Abby walked in with Zach on her arm. Her mother looked at their disheveled appearance and winced.

  “Mama, you better sit down,” Abby said. “Zach and I are going to be married.”

  Mary stared at them with her mouth open. Finally, she said, “But you’re so young.” When Abby rolled her eyes, she turned to Zach. “Do you love my daughter, young man?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Sure do. She’s great. We get along fine, and, well, Mrs. O’Malley, I promise I’ll take care of her real good, really. You can trust me.”

  Mary looked at him hard. Like a snake, she thought. “Have you set a date?” Mary asked.

  Abby and Zach looked at each other and shrugged.

  “Not yet, Mama. We need to talk about how and where and who we’re gonna tell, and I have to meet his family and all.”

  The phone rang. Mary got up to answer it.

  She walked back to the living room. Abby was saying goodbye to Zach and standing on her toes to kiss him.

  “Bye, Sugar,” he said.

  “Who was on the phone, Mama?” Abby asked.

  “I’ll tell you later. Goodbye, Zach. We’ll be talking again soon, I’m sure.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Bye, Ab,” he said. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I gotta call home and break the news to my mother.”