The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

by John Gottman

  Then there’s Denise, who’d react to the boss’s invitation with resentment. “How am I supposed to be prepared for a meeting on such short notice?” she’d think. “What if I’d had an appointment scheduled?” She’d even think of missing the meeting—“on principle”—but in the end she’d make herself go. Skipping out would just get her into more hot water, because people in power always make ridiculous demands. At least that’s the way Denise’s mother had treated her. The woman suffered from severe mood swings, which meant her children got lots of mixed signals about how to behave and what was expected from them. In all the chaos, however, one thing was sure: Denise’s mother could and would control her children with an iron hand. Consequently, Denise learned two lessons: First, life was unfair; second, it was better to keep your mouth shut than to complain.

  So now, as an adult, it didn’t matter how mad Denise got; she’d never complain to her boss. It wouldn’t do any good, she believed. In fact, she thought that showing her feelings was a sign of weakness, that it would lead people to take advantage of her. “I’d better keep my guard up,” she told herself. “There’s less chance of getting hurt that way.”

  Like most people, these characters’ emotional heritage was formed largely by what happened in their families of origin. Many other factors—such as peer relationships, job-related incidents, and influences from the community and culture at large—combine in complex ways to make other important contributions as well. They all come together to form a foundation upon which current emotional connections are made. And the better we understand the strengths and weaknesses of that foundation, the more insight we’ll have into our current relationships.

  What Our Experience Tells Us

  Although exploring your emotional heritage may be helpful, it’s not always easy. In fact, most people find it at least a bit uncomfortable; some find it downright excruciating. Many try to avoid thinking about the past altogether, because they fail to see the payoff. Why stir up a lot of memories you’d just as soon forget? Why expose yourself to all those unresolved problems—especially when they involve parents, siblings, old friends—the very same people you’re going to have to share every major holiday with for the rest of your life?

  There are many good reasons to look back. In fact, as scientists learn more about the way the brain processes emotions and stores emotional memory, it becomes increasingly clear that yesterday’s feelings influence our ability to make and keep emotional connections today. If we want to have relationships that are more meaningful in the future, it helps to have some insight about the past. In fact, looking back thoughtfully may eventually help you to build better connections with the very folks gathered around that holiday table.

  To see how your past affects your current relationships, it helps to understand the relationship between issues of emotional heritage and the brain’s emotional command systems, which we discussed in chapter 4. Simply put, each influences the other. For example, a woman who was raped as a youngster might develop a much more active Sentry system as a result of that experience. And another woman, who’s been cautious all her life because she inherited a strong Sentry system, might learn to let down her guard after living in a community where she feels extremely safe and secure.

  While emotional command systems are partially determined by genetic inheritance, they’re not completely “hardwired.” In fact, the neural pathways of the brain that carry emotional messages are quite malleable and can be changed by our experiences—particularly those in early childhood, because that’s when the brain is growing rapidly and these systems are under construction. Just as a young tree grows at a certain angle as its branches bend in the wind or reach toward the sun, so we are formed emotionally by interpersonal events in our environment.

  Just imagine the immature nervous system as a field of newly fallen snow, and the tracks through that snow as the various ways that your body can express emotion through thought and behavior. The first time you experience an emotional stimulus, it follows a new track through that snow field. But with each subsequent stimulus that reminds you of that initial experience, you’re increasingly more likely to follow that established path. In this way the patterns of feeling that we’ve experienced in the past determine the way we’re likely to feel in the future.

  When you say that your brother “really pushes your buttons,” it’s because you feel that he knows how to elicit an automatic response from you. Your brother utters some familiar remark “guaranteed” to make you angry, and—whoosh!—your feelings take off down that old familiar path. Hard as you might try to change it, you end up feeling the same way you’ve always felt when those buttons get pushed. This explains why it’s often so hard for people who’ve had difficult relationships with parents or siblings to improve those relationships. Family members get caught in patterns of emotional thought and behavior that were set early on and practiced over and over again through childhood.

  These patterns can also be detrimental to new relationships, particularly if you see and react to the behavior of new people in your life as if they were “just like my mother,” “just like my stepdad,” “just like my ex-wife,” and so on.

  Although you may have fixed patterns of reacting emotionally to a particular kind of comment or situation, many scientists and therapists believe people can change their responses, particularly if they can reexperience the same kind of stimulus under new and different life circumstances. That’s why the goal of so many forms of therapy is to help the patient revisit painful events from the past. Such therapy gives you a chance to reexperience your feelings in a safer or more neutral setting. You can use memory and imagination to visualize moments in your past when you felt hurt, angry, or devastatingly sad. You can actually feel the emotion you were feeling at that time. You can’t necessarily erase the pain—at least not initially—but you may gain new insights. (“The way I was treated really hurt. But I’m older now and I know it wasn’t right.” “That was a harmful place to be. But I’m in a safe environment now. I don’t have to be afraid anymore.” “I was dependent on people who sometimes hurt me. But now I know how to take care of myself.” “What they told me about myself was wrong. I don’t have to believe everything they said.”) Such insights can help you to feel differently about similar situations and relationships in the future. You don’t have to keep reacting to new events and new interactions with the same automatic, painful responses.

  Understanding how yesterday’s feelings color today’s experience can make a difference in your ability to form strong, healthy bonds with others. You can gain new insights into the configuration of your own emotional life, as well as the emotional lives of others. This will make you more conscious of the filters of past experience through which you view your current existence. And when you’re fully aware of your own filter, you’ll be able to read and interpret other people’s bids for connection more accurately. You’ll also be able to respond to bids based on who you are today.

  Exercise: What’s Your Emotional History?

  To download a PDF of the following exercise, click here.

  On the next few pages you’ll find a self-test designed to help you explore your emotional history. In it you’ll see lots of questions about your childhood, your family, and the home in which you were raised. Some of the questions are rather general, encouraging you to think about the overall tenor of your childhood years. Did you, for example, feel loved, valued, and accepted as a child? You’ll also find questions about the emotional behavior of the people closest to you. That’s because kids take so many emotional cues from the words and actions of the people around them. Specific questions about the way your family expressed pride, love, anger, sadness, and fear may help you to uncover memories that provide insight into your current attitudes about emotional expression.

  To take the self-test:

  1. Complete each item, indicating the extent to which you agree or disagree with each statement about yourself. For each item, circle the alternat
ive that best fits:

  SA = strongly agree

  A = agree

  N = neutral

  D = disagree

  SD = strongly disagree

  2. Complete each item again, this time pretending to be somebody who is close to you, such as your spouse or a close friend or relative. (Or, if possible, ask that person to fill out the items. Then share your results and talk about them.)

  1. My parents often showed me that they were proud of me.

  2. When I was growing up, my family always attended the important events in which I participated (e.g., plays, concerts, sports events).

  3. My parents helped me to feel proud of myself.

  4. My family taught me to believe in my talents.

  5. I learned from my past to feel good about what I have accomplished.

  6. I learned from my parents that mastery is all about believing in yourself.

  7. My family taught that if I am failing at something, it usually has very little to do with bad luck.

  8. My past history makes it easy for me to feel proud of the achievements of those close to me.

  9. I easily express my pleasure in the achievements of others.

  10. When I was growing up, there was lots of affection shown in my home.

  11. My parents often showed me that they loved me.

  12. As a child, I felt really accepted by most of my peers.

  13. My family touched, hugged, and kissed one another a lot.

  14. I came from a very emotionally expressive family.

  15. My parents often said “I love you” to me when I was a child.

  16. I feel comfortable expressing affection to those I care about.

  17. From their actions I always knew I was important to my parents.

  18. As a child, my preferences and interests really mattered to my parents.

  19. My parents responded to my emotions when I was growing up.

  20. I feel comfortable receiving affection from those I care about.

  21. It’s easy for me to say “I love you” when I feel it.

  22. I was afraid of my father’s anger.

  23. It was hard for me to show my own anger to my parents.

  24. I feel highly uncomfortable when people are angry with me.

  25. I was taught as a child that anger is very similar to aggression.

  26. I was afraid of my mother’s anger.

  27. I can’t talk about my own anger with comfort.

  28. My family generally believed that anger was a destructive emotion.

  29. I try to avoid becoming angry.

  30. Not too many people can tell when I am angry.

  31. I will keep my anger controlled until I eventually blow up.

  32. I often feel that my anger is out of control.

  33. I’ve learned from my past that expressing anger is like throwing gasoline on an open flame.

  34. I keep my sadness to myself.

  35. Past experience has taught me that letting myself be sad is a waste of time.

  36. I’m rarely sad.

  37. My family taught me that feeling sadness was cowardly.

  38. I learned as a child that expressing sadness just brought everyone else down.

  39. I try to quickly get over being sad.

  40. I am impatient with other people’s sad moods.

  41. When I was a child, my loneliness wasn’t noticed by my parents.

  42. No one can tell when I am sad.

  43. I’ve learned through experience that there’s very little point in talking to others when I’m downhearted.

  44. I hate being around sad people.

  45. I could never openly express my worries and fears to my parents.

  46. My parents believed that I should just get over my fears and not dwell on them.

  47. As a child, I just wasn’t allowed to be afraid.

  48. I was taught as a child to avoid thinking too much about my fears, because doing so could paralyze me into inaction.

  49. I learned when I was young to keep going even when I was afraid.

  50. My family taught me that exploring my fears would make me a wimp.

  SCORING

  SA = 2 points

  A = 1 point

  N = 0 points

  D = –1 point

  SD = –2 points

  Pride and Accomplishment

  Items 1 –9 score: ____

  If you scored 5 or above, your emotional history allows you to feel comfortable expressing emotions such as pride in your own accomplishments and the accomplishments of others.

  If your score was below 5, then you have doubts about your own mastery, strivings, and accomplishments. You probably feel uncomfortable expressing pride in yourself and others.

  Love and Affection

  Items 10–21 score: ___

  If you scored 10 or above, your emotional history allows you to feel comfortable in expressing love and affection, and in receiving expressions of those feelings from others.

  If your score was below 10, then you sometimes have doubts about feeling loved. Also, you may feel uncomfortable in giving and receiving expressions of love and affection.

  Anger

  Items 22–33 score: _____

  If you scored 6 or above, you’re probably not comfortable with the expression and experience of anger, and you have some difficulty in becoming angry, and in experiencing other people’s expressions of anger.

  If you scored below 6, then anger is a comfortable emotion for you.

  Sadness

  Items 34–44 score: _____

  If you scored 5 or above, you’re probably not comfortable with the experience of sadness, and you may have some difficulty in being sad, and in experiencing other people’s expressions of sadness.

  If you scored below 5, then sadness is a comfortable emotion for you.

  Fear

  Items 45–50 score: _____

  If you scored 3 or above, you’re probably not comfortable with the experience of fear, and you may have some difficulty in being afraid or worried, and in experiencing other people’s expressions of fear.

  If you scored below 3, then fear is a comfortable emotion for you.

  As you look at your emotional history scores for each of these five feelings (pride and accomplishment, love and affection, anger, sadness, and fear), identify the ones that are most difficult for you. Consider what typically happens when you’d like to make a bid for connection around one of these emotions that’s hard for you. Say, for example, that you find it hard to experience pride and a sense of accomplishment, but you’ve just won an award and you’d like others to know about it. Does your inability to feel proud of yourself prevent you from making that bid for connection? Do you make your bids in such a subtle way that people hardly even notice? If so, does your reluctance to bid leave you lonely, dissatisfied, or disappointed? What would happen if you just acknowledged your discomfort with pride, and made the bid for connection anyway?

  Now think about what happens when somebody close to you makes a bid for connection that involves one of the emotions you’ve identified as difficult for you. If you have difficulty with the expression of sadness, for example, what happens when a friend comes to you in tears over a loss or disappointment? Do you have trouble acknowledging the emotion you see? Do you turn away from or turn against that person as a result? What would happen if you just acknowledged your difficulty with sadness and then proceeded to turn toward that person’s bid for connection anyway?

  Looking into your emotional history, identifying these areas of difficulty, and imagining how things might be different for you is an important part of improving your bidding process.

  Your Family’s Philosophy of Emotion Matters, Too

  Often, when we have trouble with emotional connection, the problem goes deeper than an inability to express emotion clearly. Sometimes it has more to do with our beliefs and feelings that underlie the emotions themselves. For example, we may believe that it’s inappropriat
e to express sadness. Or we may feel that it’s wrong to let others know we’re angry. I refer to our collective beliefs and feelings about feelings as our “philosophy of emotion.”

  Every family has its own culture and its own philosophy of emotion. Thinking back, can you describe the philosophy of emotion in the home where you grew up? Did your family generally believe it was important for people to understand their own feelings and express them to others? Or did they believe it was better for family members to keep their feelings to themselves? When people in your household were extremely happy about something, were they allowed to express their joy? Or were they supposed to keep it under control? When family members got angry, was it okay to say so, or was the expression of anger treated as a punishable offense? Was it permissible to be sad sometimes, or were you often reprimanded for being gloomy?

  Answers to questions like these can help you understand and refine your own personal philosophy of emotion. You may discover that your philosophy is quite similar to your family’s, or you may realize that you’ve moved as far from it as possible. Either way, becoming more aware of the beliefs and feelings that underlie your behavior is an important step toward making positive changes and improving your bidding process.

  Our research shows that families generally fall into four broad categories of emotional philosophy: (1) coaching, (2) dismissing, (3) laissez-faire, and (4) disapproving.

  Those with a coaching philosophy accept the expression of all feelings—including anger, sadness, and fear. In emotional situations, these family members often help one another solve problems and cope with difficult feelings.