The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

by John Gottman

  Dismissing families, on the other hand, tend to keep their feelings hidden, especially negative feelings. And since they don’t acknowledge feelings, their members don’t give one another much guidance on how to handle them.

  Families with a laissez-faire philosophy are similar to coaching families in that they think the expression of emotion is okay. But members of laissez-faire families don’t do much to help one another cope with anger, sadness, or fear. They’re more likely to just wait for such feelings to pass.

  Families with a disapproving philosophy are like dismissing families in their belief that people should keep their feelings hidden. But members of disapproving families take it a step further; they’re likely to be hostile or critical toward those who express negative emotions.

  These are broad generalizations, of course, and many families may switch from one philosophy to another depending on circumstances. For example, when family members’ lives are going relatively smoothly, parents may be solid emotion coaches. But when their lives get hectic, they may have a tendency to switch into a more dismissing mode. Families may also be divided, with one parent subscribing to one philosophy while the other subscribes to a different one. Usually, however, one parent has a stronger influence on any particular child, and that parent’s emotional philosophy has the greater impact.

  You’ll find detailed descriptions of these philosophies on this page. But first take a look at the following self-test. It’s designed to help you determine which philosophies of emotion may have been most prevalent in the home where you grew up.

  After you do the self-test, read the descriptions of each type of philosophy to see how your family’s view may affect your relationships today.

  Exercise: What Was Your Family’s Philosophy of Emotion?

  To download a PDF of the following exercise, click here.

  Below are a series of scenarios in which a child is expressing an emotion to his or her parents. After each scenario, there’s a list of four different responses parents might have to these situations. Thinking back to your childhood, choose the response that best represents the one you might have heard from your parents under similar circumstances. If your family was divided in its philosophy—that is, if each parent would have responded differently—choose the response from the parent who influenced you the most, the one whom you felt most inclined to follow.

  1. You tell your parents you’re angry because your younger sibling always gets to sit in the front seat of the car.

  A. “It’s okay. It’s just a short ride to the store anyway.”

  B. “I know you get tired of sitting in back by yourself all the time. Can you think of a pretend game you could play back there to make it more interesting?”

  C. “It sounds like you’re kind of jealous. I was jealous of my little brother when I was your age.”

  D. “I don’t want to hear you complain. Your brother is little, and you should understand why he needs to sit next to Mom.”

  2. Your uncle has just had a car accident and is in the hospital. Now you’re unable to attend the championship football game with all of your friends. You’re so angry you want to break something.

  A. “It’s just a football game, you know. Sometimes other things come up.”

  B. “I don’t blame you for being upset. Maybe you could call one of your friends after the game and get some play-by-play.”

  C. “That’s a real shame. I know you’d really been looking forward to this game.”

  D. “Honestly! You should listen to yourself. What would your uncle think if he knew you thought a football game was more important than him?”

  3. Your younger cousins are visiting again, and they’re messing up your toys. It’s really making you angry, and you complain to your parents.

  A. “They’re just little kids. You can put it all back the way it was after they leave.”

  B. “That makes you mad, doesn’t it? You put a lot of effort into keeping your room neat. I’ll help you clean up later. In the meantime, maybe it would be fun to just play with them.”

  C. “Yeah! Those little guys can really trash out a room in a hurry, can’t they?”

  D. “I think you could be a little more generous. You know, you have some things they don’t have. Go find something else to do if you can’t play with them.”

  4. Your classmates keep borrowing your new color markers during art projects. When they return them, almost all the ink is gone!

  A. “Aren’t there twenty-four colors in that set? Just use another color.”

  B. “That must be frustrating. Maybe you could suggest they bring some new colors to share for the next week’s art class.”

  C. “Unbelievable! Why don’t they get their own markers?”

  D. “I don’t understand why you’re letting them use your new markers in the first place. Those things are expensive.”

  5. Your best friend has moved to a distant suburb and a new school. You talk on the phone and see one another every now and then, but it’s just not the same. It’s been weeks now, and you’re still sad about it.

  A. “People come and go. You just have to get used to these things.”

  B. “I can remember going through the same thing when I was about your age. My friend’s name was Angela. It’s really, really hard. Let’s sit down and try to think through some ways to deal with this.”

  C. “Yeah, people come and go in this life. It can be tough. Really tough.”

  D. “What’s wrong with the friends you’ve got right here in your own neighborhood? Are they not good enough for you?”

  6. You hear that an acquaintance had a party and invited most of your friends, but not you. You don’t understand why you’ve been left out, and it makes you very sad.

  A. “Oh, people are fickle. You know that.”

  B. “I’m sure that hurts your feelings. Maybe it was an oversight. Why don’t we plan to have some of your friends over here soon? We can work on the invitations after dinner.”

  C. “Ouch, that can sting! Better luck next time, huh?”

  D. “Really, I don’t want to hear it. You have a more than adequate social life. I seem to spend half my time carting you and your friends all over town. I should own a taxicab!”

  7. Your dog Shortstop died. You’re sad.

  A. “We’ll get a new dog.”

  B. “I’m really sad, too. I’ve been thinking all day about the funny things Shortstop would do. Maybe it would be nice to gather some of our photos that he’s in, and make a Shortstop scrapbook.”

  C. “I’m really sad, too. Shortstop was a good dog.”

  D. “I hate to break it to you, kid, but he was just a dog. And walking around like a sad sack all day isn’t going to bring him back.”

  8. You’ve put heart and soul into applying for the yearbook staff. You wrote an essay, you were interviewed, and you thought you did a good job. But you’re passed over for this plum after-school assignment. Worse, several of your friends were selected.

  A. “It’s not like there aren’t any other clubs for you to join.”

  B. “What a shame. You worked really hard for this. Tell me all about what happened.”

  C. “What was that sponsor thinking? Your essay seemed really good to me.”

  D. “Are you going to mope around every time something doesn’t go your way?”

  9. You’re afraid of the dark. Very afraid.

  A. “Believe me, there’s nothing to be frightened of.”

  B. “I can remember being afraid of the dark. It can seem strange when you can’t see what’s around you. You stay with us tonight, and tomorrow we’ll get a new night-light for your room.”

  C. “I can remember being afraid of the dark.”

  D. “Don’t be such a baby!”

  10. You have an ear infection, and you’re going to the doctor—the same doctor who gave you all your vaccinations. Afraid you’ll get another shot, you start to cry.

  A. “Crying isn’t going to help. I’m the parent
, and you’re going to the doctor.”

  B. “I know you’re afraid of the doctor. But he’s going to help you feel better. Can we talk about what you’re afraid of?”

  C. “I still hate getting shots.”

  D. “Oh, grow up!”

  11. Your family is flying to California for vacation. You saw a news story about a bad plane crash the previous month, and you’ve been scared to get on the plane ever since.

  A. “There’s no reason to be nervous.”

  B. “The thought of a plane crash is frightening. But it’s really, really unusual for something like that to happen. And I wouldn’t take you on this trip if I didn’t think it was safe. Do you think it would help if we tried to think of some games to play during the ride?”

  C. “Yeah, I know what you mean. What goes up must come down, and all that.”

  D. “Really, you’re such a worrywart! It’s safer than crossing the street. You always get carried away by the worst-case scenario!”

  12. Your mother is having surgery. You’re afraid she might die in the hospital.

  A. “It’s not a big deal. She’ll be home in a couple of days, as good as new.”

  B. “It’s scary to think of her being operated on, huh? It’s a safe procedure, though, and she has a good doctor. Let’s make some cards for her. You can tell her how you feel.”

  C. “It’s scary to think of her being operated on, huh?”

  D. “You’ve got to be braver than this. She expects you to be a big kid while she’s gone.”

  13. You’re ten years old and you have your first crush on a classmate.

  A. “When I was growing up, they called this puppy love. Don’t worry about it.”

  B. “Oh, yeah…I know who you’re talking about. So tell me all about it.”

  C. “Oh, yeah…I can see how you’d feel that way.”

  D. “Oh, give me a break. You’re only ten years old!”

  SCORING

  Count the number of times you answered “A”: ____. These answers represent an emotion-dismissing philosophy.

  Count the number of times you answered “B”: _____. These answers represent an emotion-coaching philosophy.

  Count the number of times you answered “C”: _____. These answers represent a laissez-faire philosophy.

  Count the number of times you answered “D”: _____. These answers represent an emotion-disapproving philosophy.

  Compare your score in each category to see which of these philosophies best describes your family. Then read on to learn more about these philosophies and how they can affect your skill at emotional connection.

  The Emotion-Coaching Philosophy

  If you came from a family with a coaching philosophy of emotion, you may have a high regard for emotional expression. That’s because you were part of a culture where family members recognized and acknowledged one another’s feelings of sadness, anger, or fear. Coaching families typically turn toward one another’s bids for emotional connection. They help one another identify their feelings and they empathize.

  Unlike the laissez-faire families, coaching families teach children how to express their feelings in ways that are appropriate and effective. They set limits on behavior. (“You can stomp your feet when you’re mad, but you can’t kick the wall.”) Also, they help children develop problem-solving skills.

  Coaching families believe in the value of all emotions—even the negative ones. They recognize anger as a creative, motivating force in people’s lives. (“It sounds like you’re mad because you think Davie was cheating. Why don’t you tell him how you feel about it?”) They see sadness as a signal that a person may need to make some positive changes in his or her life. (“You seem kind of depressed since you retired, Mom. Maybe you need to be more active. Have you thought about taking a class or getting more involved at church?”)

  Because they value the expression of emotion, they’re more patient and tolerant with family members who are trying to cope with difficult feelings. They’re less likely to turn away from or turn against those who display anger, sadness, or fear. At the same time, these families often have fewer tantrums, conflicts, and bouts of depression with which to deal. That’s because they’re used to responding to one another’s bids for connection as soon as they notice them. People don’t have to crank up the volume on their emotions in order to be heard. Also, people raised in such environments learn early how to soothe themselves when they’re upset, so they’re less likely to act out in harmful ways.

  Because people raised in emotion-coaching homes are accustomed to loved ones being responsive to one another’s feelings, they might have some difficulty understanding people who come from families where emotional expression is dismissed or subject to disapproval.

  The Emotion-Dismissing Philosophy

  If you were raised in a family with an emotion-dismissing philosophy, you were subtly—or not so subtly—discouraged from showing your feelings. Still, tears, frustration, and worries inevitably come to the surface in all families. And when this happens in an emotion-dismissing family, members are likely to turn away. They may greet the emotional person with silence, or with some disregarding remark:

  “There’s no need to get angry about it.”

  “Look on the bright side.”

  “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  “Cheer up. You’ll do better next time.”

  “Don’t be so gloomy. Think positive!”

  “You’re a big boy! Big boys aren’t afraid of the dark!”

  Tears go unnoticed, complaints are ignored, and fears are minimized or treated as a joke.

  People may adopt an emotion-dismissing philosophy for a variety of reasons. In many families it happens because influential family members fear what might happen if they focus on negative feelings—their own or others’. They worry that anger, fear, or sadness could overwhelm the people involved and they would lose control, leading to catastrophic results. They believe that anger can turn to aggression and somebody might get hurt. They believe that sadness can become so deep and unrelenting that you’d never find your way out of a terrible depression. They believe that fear can turn to terror and there would be no escape. Because of these fears, whenever somebody makes a bid that includes even a glimmer of negative emotion, other family members turn away.

  Some people dismiss negative emotions because they feel overly responsible for fixing all the problems that might be causing those feelings. Here’s an example:

  Carol notices that a friend at work looks quite sad one day. Maybe she’s got some financial trouble or marital problems, Carol figures. Or maybe she just had a big fight with her boss. But Carol believes that she can’t do anything to help her friend with these kinds of problems. So instead of asking her friend, “What’s wrong?” she pretends she doesn’t notice the woman’s sad expression and listlessness. This is hard for Carol because she considers herself a compassionate person. She even feels guilty for ignoring her friend’s bid. But it never occurs to her that just listening and being with her friend in her sadness might be enough. She wouldn’t necessarily have to provide a solution.

  Still others dismiss negative emotions because they believe that such feelings are like a poison that becomes more harmful the longer you dwell on it. Here’s an instance: Louis’s five-year-old son, Tom, is angry because his favorite toy just broke. Louis takes a look at it, but it can’t be repaired. A compassionate father, he feels sorry for the boy. But instead of expressing this, he prods Tom to expel his anger as quickly as possible and replace it with positive feelings and an optimistic attitude. “You gotta roll with the punches, kid,” he says. “It’s no big deal. It’s just a toy. Get over it.”

  Louis doesn’t recognize Tom’s sadness as a bid for connection. He doesn’t realize that turning toward the boy with empathy would be one way to help his son get over it. Imagine how satisfying it might be for Tom to hear his dad say, “Gee, Tom. You must feel really sad. That was your favorite toy. What a bummer.”
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  But Tom gets a more dismissive response instead. If this keeps happening over time, he’ll learn to stop looking to his dad for emotional support; he’ll become increasingly disconnected from his father.

  Unfortunately, once you’re in the habit of dismissing other people’s emotions, you miss many chances for connection and intimacy. By turning away, you send a message that says “I’m unavailable” just when your friends, family members, or coworkers need you most.

  This dismissing response is bad for all types of relationships, but it’s particularly bad for children. It tells them that when they feel anything negative, the people closest to them don’t want to know about it. But the kids aren’t going to stop having negative feelings. Anger, sadness, and fear are part of life. A parent’s dismissing attitude simply tells kids that it’s a bad idea to bid for connection through the expression of emotion, that doing so will just make others withdraw their attention and turn away. Therefore, it’s better not to be authentic. It’s better not to let people know how you really feel. In fact, it may teach them that it’s best not to feel at all.

  Parents who turn away also miss the thousands of opportunities for guidance around handling difficult feelings. If a mother’s main message is “Don’t be sad,” or “Don’t be angry,” she may never get around to telling her child, “Here are some ways to take good care of yourself when you’re feeling down,” or “Let’s look at the problem that’s making you so mad and see if we can solve it.”

  The Emotion-Disapproving Philosophy

  If you were raised in a family with an emotion-disapproving philosophy, you may have a lot in common with those from emotion-dismissing families. Both groups encourage their members to keep their negative feelings under wraps. The difference is that emotion-disapproving family members actually feel hostile toward those who express emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. In fact, they’re likely to criticize, reprimand, or even punish members just for expressing negative emotions. If somebody makes a bid that’s expressed with negative feeling (“I’m so damned frustrated! I wish I had some help!”), the emotion-disapproving person is likely to turn against that bid. (“I can’t help anybody who talks to me like that!”)