Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  "She's right. Does Caroline know?" asked Sam, her tone firmer than before.

  "Yes, I—wait, why am I being ambushed here?" Nora's eyes welled up and business attire or not, her resolve tumbled away.

  "Okay, everyone take a breath for a moment." Anita held her hands out in a gesture meant to quiet all of us.

  "I don't want to breathe, Anita." I choked on my tears when she looked at me. "You can't be my doctor anymore because your girlfriend slept with my girlfriend, and Sam and I as good as slept with Nora and Caroline. I know it's not ethical, and I'm allowed to be upset about it."

  "For good measure, Anita and I slept together, too." Nora's words earned her a double backlash from Sam and Anita.

  "That's pushing it," spat Anita.

  "Jesus Christ, Nora." Sam shot up to stand, and Nora flinched as if expecting a blow. She leaned away from Sam and lifted her knees as if to shield herself. Right away, Sam's demeanor shifted from angry to controlled. She lowered herself down to crouch in front of Nora. "You're okay." Sam's hand fell to my knee. "You're both okay. I'm going to reinforce Anita's directive. Everyone breathe."

  "I didn't know, Sami." Nora sniffled and Sam placed her hand on top of Nora's head, her eyes on Anita.

  "We know you didn't mean to upset Rosie and that we did ambush you by accident. Let's all calm down and start this over, okay?" Sam glanced to all of us and I nodded.

  Anita's focus remained on me. "I'm sorry, Rosie. It seems I've lost control of a situation that I never intended to be so intimate."

  I nodded and drew in a deep breath before looking back to Sam. "I want to talk to Anita alone for a minute."

  "All right, honey." Sam leaned over to kiss my cheek before standing, her hand held out to Nora. "Come with me for a minute, Nor."

  Nora took her hand and gnawed her bottom lip when she glanced at me. "I'm sorry."

  "Accepted," I told her, because seeing her so upset made me more worried than my hurt feelings.

  Sam pulled her phone from her pocket as she ushered Nora out, her eyes on me until she closed the door behind her.

  In the quiet room, Anita offered me a sad smile. She, too, wore less of a clinical expression, and more one stifled by pain. "I didn't know about you and Nora."

  "I didn't know about you and everyone else." I laughed when I said it, but sniffled anyway when I reached for a tissue. "I don't mean that in a bad way."

  She chuckled, though a tinge of pink made it to her cheeks. "In almost twenty years of this field, I can honestly say that this is a first."

  "You never shared a conflict with a patient?" I dabbed at my nose and pulled a pillow in my lap.

  "Not like this. One patient I became quite close to over the years while we both worked with law enforcement. She and I terminated our relationship, then chose to stay friends," she explained, and slowly fell back into her usual posture.

  "You can't be my doctor anymore after today," I said, choking back tears while I did so. "I know that."

  "We should terminate properly, Rosie. I'd like to help find you another doctor and continue to talk about this change in our relationship."

  "You know all my secrets. You know everything. My mom is getting released from prison. Sam's in so much pain from what happened to her. Her uncle is so mean to her. Everything feels really messy."

  "It is really messy right now. I can validate that. And yes, Sam's uncle is quite terrible," she said, snapping my attention out of an emotional meltdown to the topic at hand.

  "You know her uncle?"

  She shook her head. "No, but Marita's told me of him."

  "So you know the whole story of what happened to Sam?"

  Anita hesitated, glancing at the door then back to me. "But I'm not supposed to."

  "Do you think Sam has delayed onset PTSD?" I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

  "It's not healthy for me to suggest diagnoses for friends and family, but I think we can both agree that anyone who survives something terrible like that can have PTSD. What do you think?"

  "Yeah. And anxiety. And probably depression, too. Like me."

  "Yes." She offered me her usual gentle smile and leaned back in her chair. The conversation settled down as we had, into our normal routine. "And you've done very well."

  "Mostly. My relationship with Sam has changed a lot for me."

  "How long have you been together now?"

  "Um...three months. Almost four."

  "How have things changed for you?"

  "For one, I'm hardly ever home anymore. I'm at Sam's all the time and I really like that," I said, smiling at the thought of our fun morning. "And I talk to her about everything. Literally everything."

  "Does Sam know all your secrets, Rosie?" Anita's smile told me she already knew the answer to that.

  I let out a soft laugh and nodded. "Yeah. And maybe a few more things than you do."

  "Sounds like you've grown to trust her and love her." Anita leaned her elbow on her knee as if her interest increased with the reflection.

  "I have. She told me that she loved me for the first time yesterday. It meant a lot."

  "Rosie, I've seen you grow into a strong, happy woman since our time working together. And the fact that you've come here today telling me that you've developed a trusting, loving relationship with a significant other is very important. In fact, it's at the core of our work. Isn't that what you've always wanted?"

  "Yes." A smile parted my lips when I thought about it. "I remember saying that in the beginning. I didn't know how to make friends or be social, or have a relationship."

  "Except for Alex and your foster family, your connections were mainly from work."

  "Some of them turned into friendships. Ainsley and Jordan, then Stella and Alice." I toyed with the fringe on the pillow. "I do like all of them a lot."

  "I'm sure they're quite fond of you, too."

  "I'm going to miss talking to you, Anita. Even though you're not, you feel like a friend to me…"

  "Well, Rosie, I imagine that we'll have more conversations." She folded her hands in her lap, then leaned forward so that I'd catch her gaze again. "Just not as doctor and patient."

  "I think Sam misses Marita. She doesn't say it, but I know she does."

  "Well, maybe you and I can help them not miss each other so much in the future." Her smile, genuine and inviting, gave me some hope that she wouldn't vanish from my life after all.

  "What are we supposed to do about Nora?" I sighed as I glanced at the door again. "I feel bad for getting on her like that."

  "Just talk to her."

  "Did you really sleep with her, too?"

  Anita smirked and leaned back in her chair again. Sometimes I wondered what a profiler would say about her tell-tale postures. "I'm not supposed to answer that question."

  "Okay. You're fired." I pointed at her while laughing. "Did you?"

  Her chuckle matched mine and she nodded. "Years and years ago when we were in our twenties and both worked at the same hospital. But that's all the information you're getting."

  "I'll take it." I snickered and balled up the tissue in my hand. "Since you're fired, can I tell you one thing?"

  "Of course."

  "You knew I was gay from like our first year working together. It might've really helped me to know that you understood what it was like. To know that you were part of the community and all. Just, you know, for your future patients."

  "I'll consider what you've said, Rosie. Thank you," she said, with sincerity.

  "Are you out?"

  "In general, I am." She nodded. "But it isn't something I disclose to my patients readily."

  "Why not?"

  "It could create transference and interfere with our therapeutic relationship."

  "Well, I think it could help bridge connections with future patients. Maybe on a case by case judgment," I said.

  "Advice well-received." She smiled and we both sat silently for a moment as if a natural closure came to our session and perhaps, work in general.


  "Maybe we should get the others back in here now," I said, setting the pillow aside.

  "Is that what you'd like?" she asked and I nodded. "Okay. Let's get them."

  Anita stood to open the door and not only did Sam and Nora return, but so did Caroline. Sam sat beside me on the sofa and pulled me into a hug.

  "I fired Anita," I told her and she chuckled.

  "Seems about the right time." She kissed my cheek. "We'll find you another doctor, baby. Maybe a little less gay one so it's not as overlapping."

  "Well, I like the gay part," I said and Anita squinted her eyes at me teasingly. "But maybe a gay man to prevent the accidental appearances on Jordan's Mermaid Chart."

  Caroline sat in Anita's chair and pulled Nora into her lap. Nora leaned against her, though her eyes fell on me.

  "I'm not mad at you anymore," I told her and she pouted at me.

  "Neither one of you respect my chair," Anita said to Caroline and she scowled.

  "Where's Marita? The party feels incomplete," said Caroline.

  "Downstairs at the coffee shop. I banned her until six." Anita perched herself on the edge of the coffee table where she could see all of us.

  "Aw, call her up." Caroline egged her on. "Let's get the orgy started." Both Anita and Nora smacked her arm. "Ow. Brats." She grumbled and glanced at Sam. "Your girl is the only non-brat."

  "Nope. Not a brat." Sam grinned and nibbled my ear. "Just my kinky little fairy," she whispered and I pinched her knuckle.

  Anita pulled out her phone and tapped on the screen a few times before setting it aside. She winked at me then glanced to Sam. I grinned, nodding my understanding of her invitation for Marita to visit with us.

  "Nora's still a little sad," Sam told me, her voice soft.

  I watched as Caroline spoke quietly to Nora. She kept her eyes on Caroline's watch and toyed with the band. I noticed she no longer wore shoes and her softer, more familiar demeanor reemerged.

  "Nora," I called to her and she peeked up at me. "I'm really not upset with you anymore and I apologize for my delivery. I should've talked to you in private."

  She nodded and bit her bottom lip. "I shouldn't have told Jordan. I got over excited."

  "I understand."

  "Aw, what cute little subs making friends again." Caroline grinned. "Let's see you two hug. Nakedly."

  "No." Sam pointed at Caroline and laughed. "Don't start."

  "Oh my God." Anita dropped her head in her hands and groaned.

  "What've I missed?" Marita swept in, a latte held in one hand, and the rest of her appearing like she tumbled off a cruise ship built for hippies. Airy cotton pants and a flowy tunic, coupled with her hair down to her waist, painted the perfect picture of relaxation.

  "Rosie and Nora about to show us the best parts of themselves," answered Caroline.

  "Ahh. I see why Anita's now blushing." Marita kissed her girlfriend on the top of her head. "Hi, babe. Hold my drink while I attack Sami."

  Anita laughed and accepted the cup, then took a swift sip of it. Sam snickered as Marita pounced on her, catching her in a grappling hug. "Hi, other babe."

  "Uck. Don't even." Sam laughed, but hugged her right back. The two of them tumbled into my lap and I cracked up.

  "Hi, Rosie." Marita grinned at me when she was three inches from my face. "Thanks for bringing my friend back to see me. She avoids me otherwise."

  "I do not." Sam struggled against her, but Marita didn't let up until Sam made for her hair.

  "Ack! Watch the hair." Marita huffed and puffed, but her everlasting grin made me laugh.

  "Did you just call her 'other babe'? Marita." Anita scolded her and it made the rest of us laugh. "Rosie, you're getting a refund for today. This is ridiculous."

  I cracked up along with everyone else as Marita wrangled Sam into a proper hug. She sat beside us and her affection for Sam continued with a series of pokes or hair strokes. To my surprise, Sam let her, though she never let go of my hand.

  The time spent with this new group of people dismantled all the grief that I suffered over losing Anita. What I gained instead, was another group of women who shared a common thread. Knowing that Anita wouldn't disappear from my life completely, and understanding that Sam's connection to Marita mattered more than she let on, told me that we made the right decision. Without a doubt, I would miss having a confidant like Anita, but maybe moving on wasn't the worst thing. Maybe finding a new provider would offer a different perspective. For now, I was open to the idea.

  Chapter Nineteen

  "Bryant," Walsh's grunting voice called down the hall. "C'mere."

  I turned on my heel and headed for his office. He stood there, an electronic cigarette hanging out of his mouth, then shut the door after I entered. The moment I found myself alone with him, anxiety twisted my stomach and I forced my hands into the pockets of my trousers.

  "What-what do you need, Sir?"

  "There's somethin' I'd like to run by you." He gestured for me to sit as he returned to his chair behind the desk.

  "Okay…"

  "No one knows this yet, but I figured you should," he said, dropping the fake cigarette on the desk. He pulled an envelope from the pocket of his jacket, then opened it up to show me some kind of letter. "Ramos plans to retire at the end of this year. Did you know?"

  "N-no. Should I?" I cleared my throat to cover the stutter, then fiddled with the clasp of my suspenders.

  "Well, there you have it. With that said, I'd like for you to take her job as Lead Analyst when the time comes. 'Course, we'd have to start your training now as we're just entering February. What do you say?"

  "Um… yeah." My heart gave a great leap when I heard his offer. "Yes, Sir. I'd like that. Thank you."

  "Thank the work you did on that serial data. We got a one-up on the feds for that and you made us look good." He chuckled and picked up the cigarette again. "There's a local P.I. that we work with who might have a lead on an identity theft trend. I'd like you to work with her. Take down her data, run some analytics, see what you come up with."

  "A private investigator?" My brow furrowed. "That's different."

  "Well, this one in particular is a…" He smirked, glancing at the wall of photographs and accolades he had hanging. "Personality. If you can handle her, you can handle anything, Bryant."

  I gulped, nodding my agreement to the assignment or signing my death certificate, I wasn't quite sure. "Okay. Thank you, Sir, for thinking of me."

  "Quit thanking me already and get out of here." He grumbled and waved me off.

  "So when do I meet this P.I.?" I stood from the seat and backed my way toward the door.

  "She'll show up this week at some point."

  "All right." I opened my mouth to thank him again, but caught myself and took my leave.

  A smile made it to my lips as I headed back to my office, and I nearly walked head first into Rebecca. She caught me by the elbow and chuckled.

  "Hello, sweet girl. You look happy today."

  "I am. You look…" I gave her a once over. "Like you ran a marathon in a swamp." I scrunched up my nose when I saw her muddy boots. "What gives?"

  "Perp ran after we interrupted a domestic incident. Caught the bastard, but lost my shoes in the battle."

  "I'm pretty sure your radio and gun have some muck caked on, too." I snickered when I pointed at her belt which earned me a swat.

  "Take your jabs while you can, girly girl."

  "I will." I glanced over my shoulder then back to her. "I have to tell you something about work, but later, okay?"

  "Okay." She wagged her brows at me with a smile. "If I get out of here on time, I'll take you to dinner."

  "Deal."

  The clack of fast-paced heels drew our attention down the hall. Ainsley, still wearing a lab coat, bustled down the hall, her eyes on me. "Rosie, where've you been?"

  "With Walsh. Why?"

  "Stella's trying to call you." She held out her phone. "She said it's important."

&nb
sp; "My phone's on my desk. Did she tell you what it was?" All three of us hurried down the hall back to my office, and I swiped the phone from the drawer. Four missed calls and two texts all from Stella filled the screen.

  "She didn't, but she sounded...normal."

  Rebecca and I both stared at her.

  "Normal?" Rebecca's brow furrowed. "That's bad?"

  "Yes." Ainsley nodded, her eyes wide.

  Rebecca looked at me and gestured wildly, with her best, "What the fuck is this?" face. I shook my head and pressed the return call button. It rang a few times before Stella answered.

  "Rosie, hi."

  "What's going on?" The second I heard her voice, a knot swirled in my belly.

  "Everyone is okay. Did Sam call you?"

  "No. Why?"

  "I knew she wouldn't." Stella sighed softly. "Her mom is here in the E.R. She fell at the grocery store and hurt her wrist. Sam is with her now."

  "Mrs. Flynn is okay?"

  "Yes. She's fine. Just a small sprain, but we're running a few more tests." Stella paused, and like Ainsley said, her normal, calm doctor voice freaked me out way more than her regular voice. Rebecca gripped my hand and the gesture grounded me, though brought light to the way my heart pounded in my chest.

  "Okay. That's good then."

  "Yes." Stella paused again. "Check your texts."

  "Okay…" I pulled the phone from my ear and tapped the text from Stella that just came through.

  It read, Sam can see me. Her mom is okay, but she isn't. I think you need to be here with her. She refused to call you.

  I showed the message to Rebecca then put the phone back to my ear. "Got it. Is she silent and panicking?"

  "Yes."

  "And bitchy?"

  "Oh yeah." Stella let out a small chuckle.

  "Okay. I'll be right down."

  "Come in the E.D. and ask for me."

  "I will. Thanks for calling me, Stell."

  "Of course."

  We hung up and I pocketed my phone while my hands shook. "Can one of you take me to the hospital?"

  "I can," volunteered Rebecca. "Sirens will get us through traffic."

  "Thank you." I hugged Ainsley before Rebecca and I broke away from her to hurry out of there.