Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  I covered my ears in the car to muffle the sirens and attempt to calm myself down before we got there. Sam deserved a supportive girlfriend who wasn't a mess with worry. My biggest concern, however, was that her Uncle Farid would arrive before us.

  Rebecca nearly flew to the hospital, and flashed her badge to get us through the emergency department right away. In the busy hospital, laden with bustling nurses, doctors, and a waiting room full of patients, Stella met us in the hallway beside the nurse's station. Despite the situation, and the fact that she had a splash of blood across her shoes, she wore her usual warm smile when she greeted us.

  "Stella, this is Rebecca. She's my…" I paused my introduction to correct myself. "Mom."

  "We've met." Stella shook her hand. "But not as Rosie's mom. Good to see you."

  "You, too. How's our girl in there?"

  "I haven't seen her this stressed before. She snapped at me twice, told a nurse off, and is earning herself a shiny new resident bitch title as we speak. She won't let anyone touch her mother, including me. Which is a problem, as you can imagine," explained Stella. "Her mother tried to reason with her, but Sam won't have it."

  "Is anyone else here with them?" I asked, drawing in a slow breath to steady myself.

  "Just the two of them. We did the scans and blood work before Sam arrived on the unit, but we can't discharge Mrs. Flynn without a proper exam."

  "Was she unreasonable when she got down here?" Rebecca asked this time and Stella shook her head.

  "No. We managed to move Mrs. Flynn to one of the closed rooms instead of the curtained areas which seemed to help a little, and security is outside the door." Stella glanced around when a few nurses walked by. "Ainsley's mom is in the room with them for now. Rosie, Sam works here and I don't want people seeing her so upset."

  "I understand. Let me go to her." I wrung my hands together then shook them out. "I can help."

  "Okay." Stella nodded toward the nurse's station again and we headed back toward the main portion of the floor.

  Every bed in the E.R. had a patient receiving treatment, and the sheer number of people had me swallowing down the thickness in my throat. Rebecca kept her hand on my shoulder and Stella held her hand up when we made to pass one of the beds.

  "Eyes ahead, Rosie. This is a trauma E.D.," she said.

  "Got it." I held my breath for a second until we arrived at a quieter portion at the far end of the hall.

  Of the four rooms, only one had two security guards standing outside and right away I knew the issue. "Stell, you need to get the guards away from the door."

  "I'm not sure they'll let me…"

  "There are two white men with guns blocking their movements." Anger balled my fists as I imagined Sam's terror on the other side of that door. "She's not going to let anyone in that room and she won't leave it either."

  "I didn't consider that." Stella bit her lip, then glanced over her shoulder. "Let me see what I can do."

  "Let me talk to them," offered Rebecca. "I might be able to help."

  "She doesn't like guns." I looked down to Rebecca's gear belt. She unfastened her side holster and slipped it into the back of her pants under her jacket. I nodded and resolved to let her handle the security. "I'm gonna go in while you two do that." I inhaled deeply then moved between the security guards who offered me polite smiles when Stella escorted me to the entryway.

  I opened the door, and immediately saw Sam pacing a hole in the floor beside her mother's bed. She didn't see me at first, and I listened as Mrs. Flynn attempted to reason with her. Ainsley's mother, Faye, offered me a gentle, but sad smile as she stood by the foot of the bed. She didn't move or speak, and I gathered that Sam could tolerate only silence from her.

  "Samirah," Mrs. Flynn said, her tone soft as she continued in Arabic afterward. As healthy as ever, she sat on the edge of the bed, her sneaker-clad feet hanging off as if ready to go. The only difference in her appearance belonged to the small splint on her left wrist.

  "Sami," I called out once the door shut. It stopped her in her tracks and she gripped the center of her scrub top, her complexion ashen and her eyes glued to the floor. She was an inch from crumbling and I took a few steps toward her. "Baby, it's okay. Come here."

  "Rosie, I'm glad to see you," said Mrs. Flynn. "She's very upset. I...I can't reason with her."

  "I understand, Mrs. Flynn. I'm happy you're okay. Sam is very worried for you." I held my hands out to Sam as I approached her. "Honey."

  "Snowman," she said, her voice cracking at the end.

  "I know, baby. I want all of this to stop, too. The security guards are leaving now and we can go. Come here to me." I stopped in front of her, and her eyes shot to mine like flaming daggers soaring out of a dark sky. She choked on a sob and rushed me like she'd done the day we left her mother's house. "I got you." I held her head to my shoulder and Mrs. Flynn cupped her hands over her mouth as she watched us. Faye placed her hand on Mrs. Flynn's back and the two women shared a hand squeeze.

  Sam attempted to lift me, but she shook too hard to do so. "Easy, honey. Take a breath with me." She nodded and followed my breathing for a few rotations. "Rebecca and Stella are outside now. Rebecca will keep us safe, right?"

  She nodded and let out a slow exhale. She held my hands so tightly that her nails dug crescents into my skin. No tears streamed her cheeks, but her frozen expression and vast pupils spoke only of the fear she continued to harbor.

  "They need to check on your mom, Sami, so they can send her home. We have to let them," I told her, pulling her back into a hug. She rested her chin on my shoulder, and slowly the tension in her arms began to release. "Ainsley's mom is here, right? She'll take care of your mom."

  Sam glanced over to the auburn-haired woman who offered her a chipper smile. "You trust me, Sam," she said. "You always have."

  Sam nodded, then returned her attention to me.

  "A whole family affair here today. Three whole moms looking out for us. Look at your mom, Sam. She's worried for you."

  "I am, Sami." Mrs. Flynn held her uninjured hand to her daughter. "We are all okay."

  With some hesitation, she accepted her mom's gesture and held her hand. Mrs. Flynn caressed her knuckles with her thumb and Sam rested her chin on top of my head while she held me.

  "Let Stella in?" I looked up at her and she nodded her agreement.

  Faye stepped away to open the door and Sam's fingers dug into my hip. This time, however, there weren't any guards by the door, only Rebecca and Stella as promised. I waved them in and Mrs. Flynn released Sam's hand.

  Stella approached us, then handed me her hospital I.D. badge. "My office is across the hall. Sami, I think Rosie needs a tour of my medical books. What do you say?"

  Sam glanced between her and her mother, but it was Rebecca who broke the quiet.

  "I'll look after your mom." Rebecca didn't hesitate a fraction to give Sam's forearm a squeeze. "It'll be good for us to introduce ourselves." She ended with a few Italian phrases that made both Sam and Mrs. Flynn chuckle, leaving the rest of us in the dark.

  "All right," she agreed, and I took Sam's hand before leading her out the door.

  Her eyes scanned the hallway, but no security guards could be found anywhere near us. She pointed out Stella's office, and I used her badge to swipe the electronic lock. Once inside, silent tears tumbled down Sam's cheeks.

  She leaned against Stella's desk and I stood in front of her, stroking her arms while she attempted to calm down.

  "I freaked out," she croaked.

  "I know, baby. You're okay now."

  "Security is here every day and I manage. Why today?"

  "Because you were scared for your mom."

  "I'm embarrassed." She choked on a sob. "I told Stella to fuck off."

  "She understands, honey. Look at me, please." I held my hands up to her and she laced her fingers with mine. "I love you. You're safe. Your mom is safe. Everyone is safe."

  "Is Farid here?" She squeezed my hands a
nd I shook my head.

  "No. Just us."

  "I have to be in surgery in an hour." She dropped her forehead against mine, and drew in a slow breath.

  "Baby, is there another covering doctor?"

  "No. I have to do it. I already prepped the patient." She covered her face for a moment before looking up at the ceiling. "Mom can't be alone right now."

  "Honey, your mom is okay. Rebecca and I will take her home—"

  "No! You can't go there alone." She grabbed my wrists and I cupped her face in my hands.

  "Sam! We'll take her to Rebecca's. Listen to me right now." My sharp tone seemed to shock her out of her second freak out. "You can't look after a patient while you're this upset. So we have to work on coming up with a plan and calming down together. Okay?"

  "I hate when you see me upset. I feel like a failure. You shouldn't have to take care of me, Rosie."

  "I love you and love means taking care of people sometimes." I placed my palm in the space between her breasts and she clasped my hand with both of hers. "Rebecca and I will entertain your mom with Italian food and violin while you finish your shift. Then you can come to Rebecca's and we'll figure out a plan from there."

  "Okay." She let out a slow breath. "Okay."

  Eventually, her shoulders relaxed and her shallow breathing returned to normal. She placed a sweet kiss between my eyebrows and I smiled.

  "Panic attack over?"

  "Yeah. It's been at least an hour."

  "I know, baby. I'm so sorry that you were scared."

  "It was unexpected," she said, then traced her knuckle around my navel. "Your outfit is so cute."

  I chuckled and shook my head. "No sex in Stella's office."

  "Okay. My office is six floors up." She grinned and I brought her hand to my lips to bite her knuckle.

  "Naughty. Unfortunately, we can't distract ourselves right now. People need us."

  "I know, my sweet." She cupped my face in her hands. "I love you."

  My whole body warmed as if she shot a dose of the richest nectar in my veins when I heard her say it. "I love you, too."

  "You and Rebecca will look after my mom?"

  "We will."

  "And you promise not to go to her house?"

  "I promise." I placed my hand over my heart. "My solemn vow."

  "Okay," she said with a smile, despite the fatigue in her eyes.

  We held hands as we left Stella's office and decided to rejoin the world together. Sam's treatment of her mother changed drastically in an environment that wasn't her mother's home. She spoke openly to her, and allowed her mother's affection. Rebecca and Mrs. Flynn got on swimmingly, especially once they both rattled off in Italian to each other. Sam and I watched them, both of us laden with amusement as they headed down the hall together in front of us. With moms, age gaps didn't seem to matter when it came to shared interests. Stella linked her arm with Sam's and escorted her up to the sixth floor after we all parted ways, and my worry decreased knowing she had an ally at work who had her back when I couldn't.

  ***

  Rebecca and Mrs. Flynn formed a fast, easy connection that left me in awe of the entire situation. For hours, we sat in the dining room, sharing a meal, conversation, and stories about Samirah's childhood that I never expected to know. She showed me pictures on her phone of Sam as a little girl, in pretty dresses with various family members, usually connected to her father's side of the family. Although she looked most like her mother, she had her father's eyes. Mrs. Flynn told us the story of how she became a Syrian refugee, how her parents died, and how Farid saved her and their brother by getting them to Canada. To me, she seemed at ease with us, not bound by cultural statutes like Sam feared, and it made me wonder how deeply Farid scarred Sam after what happened to her.

  "Everything changed after my husband died. Sam became distant, moving all the time for work. His family passed on and I was left with my brother's family as my source of comfort. Farid might've left Syria, but Syria never left him. As he aged, it seemed to get worse until his own pain turned to cruelty. And he focuses it on Samirah," she explained to us.

  Mrs. Flynn was just as trapped by the situation as her daughter. I wondered how she would handle knowing what happened to Sam, but getting to know her helped me understand on a deeper level why Sam kept it a secret. It would hurt her mom very much to know what happened.

  With Mrs. Flynn safely settled at home, our routines returned to normal the next day, but Sam and I hadn't had a moment together since our talk in Stella's office. Rebecca kept an extra close watch on me, and checked on me more than once during the day in between her cases or tasks. I appreciated it, especially with the news that came after lunch.

  An email notified me that my mother was released from prison into the free world again, and just knowing that she walked the same streets as me brought a shudder of disgust to my gut.

  "Rosie," Ainsley chirped as she headed into my office. "I was thinking about you."

  "You got the alert, too. Don't lie." I narrowed my eyes at her and she laughed.

  "Yes, but I was still thinking about you anyway." She smooched my cheek then helped herself to the seat beside my desk as usual. "How are you?"

  "Okay. On edge, but okay."

  "I can kill her if you want." Ainsley wagged her brows at me. "I know people. I am people."

  I chuckled and shook my head at her. "You always make me laugh."

  "I try. Speaking of laughter, you and Sami bailed on our party this weekend."

  "We had other things come up."

  "Uh huh. Well, we're having another on Friday night. Just Alice and Vee with their counterparts. We want you and Sam to come. We're no longer calling it The College Throuple night. It's now a Doctor Lovers party."

  A laugh escaped me and she snickered at my response. "Ainsley, c'mon."

  "I mean it! Get Sami to come. She's been driving the struggle bus and we all know it."

  "She is, but she needs to do what feels right for her. I'll bring it up to her and we'll see how we feel, okay?"

  "Fair enough." She reached across the desk and gripped my forearm. "Now, how are you really?"

  "The person who's responsible for all the abuse I suffered is walking the streets a free woman, I don't have a doctor anymore because we realized that we have connections on Jordan's Mermaid Chart, and my girlfriend is feeling the effects of her trauma more and more each day." I shrugged. "Peachy."

  "That's a lot. Mom told me what happened at the hospital…"

  "I figured she would. It must be so painful to be a person of color in this world as it is right now. And in Sam's case, a Muslim woman who suffered at the hands of hateful white men. It breaks my heart to think about."

  "As it should, Rosie, because you're a good person. It isn't easy for any marginalized group. Being gay, a woman, a person of color, and Muslim—that's a quartet that not many of us can understand," she said, in her most sensitive display yet.

  "Sam said that she feels more traumatized now than before. Why do you think that is?" I leaned my head on my hand while we spoke.

  "Because for the first time, she's not running. And she's opening her heart for you. Her walls are coming down and of course she's going to feel more," she said, her tone thoughtful and deliberate.

  "I feel like it's my fault she's hurting when you put it that way…"

  "No, Rosie." Ainsley squeezed my hand again. "You're the reason she's healing. And you know what they say about a heart that's healed, don't you?"

  I shook my head. "I don't."

  "A heart that had to heal loves stronger than a heart that never had to. As far as the saying goes anyway." She smiled while leaning her chin on her hands. "Kind of a dreamy notion. I think it's true, though. Look at our friends. Stella and Allie, Vee and Scarlett. One or both of them had broken hearts."

  "What about you and Jordan?"

  "We're a little different."

  "How so?"

  "We grew up in a world that tried to break our
spirits, not our hearts. Both of us women with mixed heritage and limited privilege, building the lives we wanted for ourselves. That kind of determination in a person requires someone of an equal determination to be successful. And here we are."

  "Why do you know so much about love and life, Ainsley?"

  "I'm not sure I do. I learn things from other people and how they love and live. I see patterns that make sense and I stick with it. It becomes predictable. But you know, I didn't predict you and Sami at all."

  "You predicted everyone else?"

  "Oh yeah." She nodded, grinning with it. "Or rather, Jordan did. She didn't predict you and Sami either."

  "Why not?"

  "Because you're so easy to love. Everyone loves our sweet, kind, timid Rosie. Sam is not easy to love because she doesn't allow anyone to love her."

  "I find her very easy to love…"

  "Because she lets you." Ainsley tilted her head while she watched me. "I think she loved you from the minute she saw you that night at our house. At first, I thought she was going to turn you into one of her conquests, but I was wrong."

  "You were. You know who else is hard to love?"

  "Who?"

  "Caroline. She's so pushy. And says things that are really provocative."

  Ainsley laughed and shook her head. "Samirah is exactly like Caroline, silly. When she walks in a room, people hold their breath because they're never sure what she's going to do or say. Both of them."

  "Nora loves Caroline…"

  "She sees Caroline like you see Sam."

  "How?"

  "With the right kind of eyes. Caroline has her own pain, and it's not that much different from Sam's. You should ask her sometime."

  "Does Nora have a healed heart as well?"

  "She does. Ask her, too. Honestly, Rosie, I don't know many women who haven't had to heal from something terrible. So many of us suffer. Jordan and I want to keep our community together, keep up the support and create a safe space for women. That's why we have our parties and events. Jordan did it without me, but as soon as I became a part of it, I never wanted it to stop. People say shitty things about Kari, but her intentions are the same with Wildrose."