Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  "Rebecca's coming over," Alex said as she returned to the table. She offered her hand to Juni who accepted it right away. "I'm Alex. Rosie's roommate."

  "Nice to meet you. I'm Juni." She smiled and returned her attention to me. Her nerves seemed to calm down much faster than mine. "I think it's lovely that everyone calls you Rosie."

  "Juni's a nice nickname, too," I croaked, attempting to not make myself look like a blubbering fool. Sam came to sit beside me and kept her arm around my middle.

  "I'm sorry to have upset you. I just...couldn't wait. I don't have any blood relatives and the thought of having a sister—" Juni began but Alex interrupted her.

  "What? Wait. What's going on here?"

  I pointed at the letter on the table in front of Juni. "My mother told her she's my sister in a letter."

  "Whoa." Alex's eyes widened. "I was kidding about the clone thing…"

  "We know," said Sam.

  "Are you twins?"

  "No." Juni and I answered at the same time.

  "Shit." Alex's bug-eyes glanced between us. "I would ask if you were sure, but look at the two of you." She gestured between us. "Wow. Rosie."

  "Slow down please," I managed while leaning against Sam. Alex's excitement didn't match my own. I learned to never trust anything my mom said, and the weight of the situation didn't feel exciting at all.

  "So what do you do, Juni?" asked Alex.

  "Um...I'm a social worker," she said, her attention falling on Alex who engaged with her the easiest.

  "Oh." Alex's expression fell slightly as our record with social workers wasn't the greatest. "What kind of social work?"

  "I work with kids in foster care right now. We help with adoption and reunification," she said, glancing between us again.

  "Oh." That time, Alex's giddiness faded completely. "For social services?"

  "No, not like that. In a private mental health clinic."

  "Well, that's good news at least." Alex's comment brought a pause to the conversation for a moment, then she added. "Why did you pick that?"

  "My parents told me that I was adopted when I was a teenager. It was upsetting and I didn't have much support. So I learned about it and wanted to work with kids who struggled similarly," she said, rather simply. Juni's eloquent way of speaking didn't match my own at all. Why did she seem so calm over all of this?

  "Good reason. Not a fan of social workers in particular, but you seem cool." Alex grinned and it made her laugh.

  "I'm glad of that. Why aren't you a fan?"

  Alex waved a finger back and forth between me and herself. "Foster kids. Never adopted. Long story."

  "Oh…" Juni's brow furrowed, darkening her expression. "I'm sorry to hear that."

  Sam brushed her lips over my forehead and I glanced up at her. She rubbed my back and I drew in a slow breath, my tears having subsided.

  "Rosie and I call ourselves sisters…" Alex glanced at me, and bit her bottom lip.

  "You are my sister," I told her, and it made her smile again.

  Juni didn't skip a beat in continuing the conversation, and her comfort level far-exceeded mine. "It's good you have each other. I have a sister at home, but she's my parents' biological daughter."

  "Do you think it's true?" I asked Sam once I was able to breathe without panicking.

  "I'm not sure, honey. But it would be reckless if I didn't advise you to consider it." Sam kept her arm around me and we returned our attention to Juni. She offered me a kind smile which only tangled me further in disbelief.

  "Am I awake?" I asked, and she nodded.

  "That's how I felt when I got the letter. I'm sorry to have made you so upset, Rose." She leaned forward, her palms wrapped around the water bottle as if attempting to find a place to store nervous energy.

  "Do you believe her?" I asked, dabbing at my cheeks with my sleeve as Sam stroked my hair.

  "I don't have a reason not to…"

  "Well, I do. And I don't want to think you're my sister until we have proof," I said, in a bout of courage to explain myself. "Because if it's not true, it'll hurt you if you're happy about it too soon."

  "Carly is a really bad person…" offered Alex, glancing between us.

  "Oh." Juni's gaze fell to the table, then flickered between me and Alex. "I thought she was in for drugs… Most people who use aren't bad people, but sick."

  I couldn't tolerate much of this conversation and leaned my head against Sam's shoulder, falling into the quiet of my inner dialogue. My thoughts assaulted me, and I wondered how my mother could possibly manipulate this woman to think she was my sister. She knew she would be ordered to stay away from me, and somehow, she found someone with similar physical features to get to me. My mother wasn't just sick as Juni implied. She was manipulative, cold, and uncaring for my entire life. I was a throwaway to her, and so was Juniper, except through her rose-hued perception, she couldn't see that right now. It brought a stroke of sadness to my devastated insides.

  The front door opened and Rebecca hurried in, dropping her purse on the end table as her eyes searched the room for me. As soon as I saw her, tears streamed my cheeks again and I hopped out of my seat, rushing her as soon as she approached.

  "My goodness, sweet girl. What's happened?" She hugged me to her, her hand cupping the back of my head.

  My lips wouldn't move and I found myself hiding my face against her shoulder while I cried. She rubbed my back, and I let her lead the situation for the time being. Sam stood to join us, her hand on the small of my back.

  "We've had a difficult morning," she said, her voice soft. I wasn't sure if they shared any other exchange while I kept my eyes closed.

  "All right, Rosie. Let's go take a rest and you can catch me up on everything." Rebecca didn't give me a chance to answer or protest as she led me out of the living room area to the bedroom. She closed the door, and Sam didn't follow for the time being. "Okay, come here." She urged me to sit, and cupped my face in her hands while I sobbed. "Breathe in slow," she coached, doing as she said so I would follow. "Then out."

  "I'm late for work," I croaked. "I didn't call."

  "I took care of it. Lie down for me," she said, urging me into the pillows while she sat at my hip. I obliged, and she pulled the letter out that Sam must've given her. "This is from your mother?"

  "She wrote that to Juniper and told her I was her sister. I don't believe her. She lies about everything, Bex. Everything. She's manipulating Juniper, too." I covered my face with my hands and attempted to slow down my breathing again.

  Rebecca remained quiet for a moment, her hand flat on my stomach until I looked at her again. She wore a soft, but sad smile as she set the letter aside. I searched her expression, and her lack of surprise had me wondering…

  "Why are you looking at me like that?" I sniffled and snatched a tissue from the nightstand.

  "This story itself, Rosie, is true." She gave my side a pat as she leaned a little bit closer. "Carly always said she gave birth to another baby, but the baby was taken away from her. The only reason I know is because of the dozens of CPS reports."

  "You knew about this?" I leaned up on my elbows as anxiety turned to anger. "And you didn't tell me?"

  "Rosie, I knew nothing for certain. There was no record of adoption. No record of pregnancy or prenatal care. Only reports indicating there was a second child somewhere, but it was questioned a lot. It was a decade later when I found out. You were fifteen and just slowly starting to settle into a life of safety. I didn't want to disrupt you with information that may or may not be true," she explained, her voice as calm and reasonable as always.

  I nodded, dropping back into the pillows when I thought about what she said. "So how does my mother know it's Juniper?"

  "It doesn't sound like she did know. Juniper found your mother herself, according to this." She held up the letter again and I nodded. "I'm sorry, Rosie. I know I've kept this piece of the story from you, but I wasn't certain. We're still not certain."

  "I want a
DNA test." I sniffled and dabbed at my nose. "I don't want to have any feelings until then."

  "Okay." She rubbed my arm then asked, "If she's not your sister, how will you feel?"

  "I'll hate my mother even more for hurting another person. Juniper seems nice. She's a social worker and she helps kids." My bottom lip trembled and I gnawed on it for a moment. "She must think I'm a blubbering idiot."

  "I doubt it, sweetheart. She knows she dropped a bomb on you today." Rebecca brushed my hair off my face, her maternal doting settling me the way it always did. "How will you feel if she is your sister?"

  "I don't know." I drew in a deep breath. "I don't want to think about it."

  "Pretend for two minutes. How do you think you'd feel?"

  "I think maybe happy, but I won't trust her right away even if she is my sister."

  "That's reasonable."

  "Sam and Alex think we look alike. Do you?" I sniffled and sat up now to face her. She gave my knee a squeeze then fussed with my hair again.

  "I only stole a brief glance, honey. I was too worried for you," she said while using her thumb to brush something from my forehead.

  "Anita can't be my doctor anymore," I told her. "We have conflicts of interest now."

  Rebecca's brow wrinkled with immediate concern. "What do you mean?"

  "Her girlfriend is Sam's friend and they slept together years ago. We just found it out. Anita and I talked about it and she's going to help me find a new doctor and therapist. I didn't want to switch at first, but now I do… I would be worried about talking to her." I blew my nose in the tissue and fought another round of tears. "But I want to talk to her about this because I always tell her things."

  "Call her, honey. See what she says. I'll call her, too." Rebecca took my hand in hers. "I didn't know Anita was gay."

  "Me either. I think she's bi though. She said that when we were talking, but she's in love with a woman. Marita is really nice and Sam trusts her."

  "You met her?"

  I nodded. "It was a confusing day. I've had a lot of confusing days."

  "I know, sweetie." Rebecca brought my hand to her lips to smooch it. "I'm very sorry for keeping that information from you."

  "I'm a little mad, but I agree. Telling me when I was fifteen would've been a bad idea." I let out a slow breath. "But you could have told me when I was older."

  "I'm sorry, Rosie." She gave my hand a squeeze. "I should have."

  "Why didn't you?"

  "Your mom hurt you greatly, and I didn't want information I was unsure of to hurt you more." Another sad smile tugged the corner of her mouth. "Which it did." I nodded and leaned across to hug her. She kissed my temple and rubbed my back in slow circles. "I'll get swabs from both of you and we'll get the DNA test, okay?"

  "Okay," I agreed and released her.

  "Should I go there and meet her?"

  "Yes." I drew in a deep breath. "Because I think she might be my sister."

  "Only one way to find out for certain." Rebecca stood, holding her hand to me. I took it and she led me toward the door.

  Every emotion possible bounced around inside me, but I made the decision that I wouldn't move in any direction until we knew for sure. I couldn't get my hopes up, and I couldn't let my anger get too powerful. One thing I knew for certain, if Juniper wasn't my sister, I would try and find whoever might be.

  ***

  I sat on my couch wrapped in a cozy blanket with a pint of mint chip ice cream in my lap. Sam and I watched a slasher film together while I continued to distract myself from thinking about Juniper. She agreed to the DNA test, and Rebecca took our samples to the crime lab at work. I leaned against Sam and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders while we cuddled.

  "Ready to talk yet?" she asked and I shook my head. "Okay, baby. I'm worried about you though. You're so quiet."

  I offered her a bite of ice cream and she accepted it.

  "Rosie, come sit in my lap." She urged the nearly-empty container from my grip then held her arms to me. I obliged and crawled over to straddle her thighs. Her fingers gripped my hips and I settled with my stomach against hers. "I'm worried."

  "I'm okay," I told her, because essentially I was fine.

  "I understand that, but tell me where my chatty little fairy has gone. I miss hearing her voice."

  "I keep thinking of all the ways my mother can keep interfering with my life. If she lied about Juni, she'll keep doing things like that to get at me. It's been two days and I just want to know."

  "Rebecca will bring the results tonight if they're ready, honey. Juni will meet us here so we can find out together. That's the plan, right?"

  "Yes." I nodded and placed my palms at the center of her chest. She stroked my arms, and just being with her soothed me. "I've missed a lot of work lately."

  "I know, baby. Rebecca told me to tell you to take your medicine. Have you been?"

  I nodded. "It's why I'm quiet."

  "Is it?"

  "It makes me sleepy and a little tranq'ed out," I admitted and her brows lifted.

  "Now it makes sense. A benzodiazepine?"

  "Yes." I drew in a slow breath. "Will you cuddle me?"

  "Yes, my sweet." A broad smile broke her seriousness and she pulled me into a hug. I tucked my knees under her arms and snuggled into the warmth of her. Her lips brushed against my ear, and I let out a soft sigh. "I would love to turn your rear a rosy shade of pink to make you feel better," she whispered and it sent a shiver down my spine.

  "I want you too," I said, kissing her neck after. "Tonight, when everything is over?"

  "Yes, baby. Tonight." She breathed softly against my ear and I felt her smile. "You smell delicious."

  "Not as good as you." My mood lifted with her playfulness and distracting chatter.

  "Rebecca told me your birthday is next week. Want to know a secret?"

  "Yes." I leaned back to meet her gaze and she wagged her brows at me.

  "So is mine."

  "Is it really or are you teasing?"

  "It is." She poked my nose. "You're the twenty-fifth and I'm the twenty-seventh."

  I laughed and grabbed her hand to hug it. "Let's have a party together."

  "Consider it done." She grinned and scrunched her nose. "Because I'm pretty sure Rebecca already planned it."

  "She always does. She makes my birthday special every year to make up for the ones I missed. Once, she took me and Jason to Disneyland. It was so fun."

  "Even with all those people?"

  "I just liked the rides and ignored the people." I smiled while nipping her bottom lip. "I was seventeen and wasn't as anxious then about crowds."

  "Brave baby Rose?" She wagged her brows at me and I snickered.

  "She had less to fear it seems."

  "It does," she said, tucking my hair behind my ears. "I got you to talk."

  "You always do…"

  "It's my superpower."

  "What's mine?" I asked, stroking her arms from wrist to elbow.

  "Cuddles and affection."

  I smiled at the notion and nodded. "I'll take it."

  "Good thing." She kissed my chin before brushing her lips over mine. I ran my fingers through her hair while I allowed my thoughts to rumble around.

  "Are you seeing your mom today?"

  "No, baby. I'll go tomorrow."

  "But…"

  "She can wait. Today is about you."

  "I don't want it to be." I leaned my forehead against hers.

  "I know, my sweet."

  I let her soft breath linger against mine while I tumbled into the spiral of my emotions. All I wanted was an answer that would lift me from this limbo. "Tonight, can we try something?"

  "What would you like to try?"

  "Can you do what Caroline did to Nora?" I leaned back and displayed my crossed wrists. "With ties?"

  Samirah's brows flicked upward. "You want me to do that?"

  I nodded and felt the shiver in her belly against mine when she lurched with excitement t
hat she tried to hide.

  "Then I will." Her bottom lip found its way between her teeth before she smiled. "My adventurous girl…"

  "Only with you," I confessed, allowing myself to sway under the thrall of her hazel eyes. No one ever looked at me the way she did; without judgment, and sodden with such affection that it nearly turned me into a puddle.

  "You trust me." Sam ran her finger over my cheek and I nodded. "I'll always keep you safe and always protect you."

  "I'll protect you, too, Sami." I stroked her cheeks while she brushed her thumb over my lips.

  "I do love you, Rosie. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it."

  "I know you do. Just keep saying it, okay?"

  "Okay." A broad smile curved her lips. "I'll whisper it to you while you’re bent across my lap with your wrists tangled in a crimson ribbon."

  My belly quaked at the thought of her sexy threat. I gnawed on my cheek and it made her grin.

  "You know I'm going to make you wait," she said, her voice a husky croon as she dragged her knuckle down the center of my body. "Because you come so much harder when I make you wait."

  I almost whined when she neared the apex of my thighs. "But it distracts me if you do it now."

  "I'm not giving in to you, naughty girl." She nipped my nose then said, "Let's watch a serial killer documentary while we wait for Rebecca."

  I let out a dramatic sigh. "Okay."

  Sam laughed and we shuffled around on the sofa until we cuddled together under a fluffy blanket. Her doting on me with snuggles and affection quelled my repulsive inner dialogue that only served to make me doubt my value to the universe. She fixed us sandwiches for lunch and tidied up the kitchen while I showered. Having her in my space felt both intimate and personal in a way it hadn't before. Sam's vast apartment, with its fancy appliances and expensive furniture, seemed intimidating at best in comparison to mine. She didn't seem to think about that or even notice a difference.

  When I emerged from the bedroom wearing comfortable jeans and a sweater, she greeted me with a hug and a mug of hot coffee.

  "Thank you, honey…"

  "Welcome." She kissed my cheek, then we sat together at the kitchen table. "Rebecca is on her way. Juniper, too."