Zero Dwarfs Given (Dwarf Bounty Hunter Book 4)

by Martha Carr

  “Yes, they do.” She grinned. “And now, I’ll be completely transparent with you—”

  “I still ain’t takin’ the job.”

  “This is way less about the department and much more about why you need to take this case.”

  The hounds splashed through the swamp on the other side of the yard, sniffing at soggy reeds and fortunately too focused on exploring to say anything. Johnny narrowed his eyes at her. “What are you gettin’ at?”

  “Something big, Johnny.” She closed out of the case file and pulled up a series of photos, handed him the tablet, and nodded. “Something you don’t want to miss out on. Quite frankly, neither do I.”

  With a grunt, he took the device in both hands and looked down. “Goddammit. Why are you bringing this to me?”

  “You have a fan site, Johnny.”

  “Yeah, I can damn well see that.” He swiped to the next photo. “Fuck. Uh-uh.”

  Forcing back a laugh, Lisa folded her arms and didn’t let him shove the tablet into her hands.

  “Take it.”

  “Not until you go through all those photos, Johnny.”

  “I ain’t goin’ through photos and I ain’t walkin’ down memory lane on your fancy whatever-the-pad, all right?” The dwarf gritted his teeth, glanced at the screenshots of Dwarf the Bounty Hunter: The Official Site, then snarled and jerked his head away. “This is a breach of privacy, you know that?”

  “Not really. It was all over the dark web—”

  “That’s what I’m sayin’! Look at this shit. Pictures of my mug on every damn page. What is this? Some asshole tryin’ to sell one of my jackets? Shit, Lisa. I don’t even give out my phone number or take selfstagrams or whatever the hell it’s called, and I did not sign off on having all this bullshit floatin’ around the dark web. Take it down.”

  She shook her head and leaned forward to catch his gaze. “That’s not how it works. And besides, you don’t want me to take it down.”

  “The hell I don’t.”

  “Johnny.”

  He gritted his teeth and exhaled a long, growled sigh as he glared at her.

  “Go through the rest of the photos.”

  “What the hell does any of this shit have to do with the case, huh?”

  “So far? Only Baltimore. But we’re about to change that.” Lisa turned to step beside him and her bare arm brushed against the rolled sleeve of his black button-up. He glanced briefly at the contact and sniffed. She swiped her finger across the tablet in his hands and leaned toward him to point. “Look at this.”

  Johnny snorted. “Some asshole’s tryin’ to defend a damn criminal bounty. Big whoop.”

  She swiped again. “And the comment?”

  His eyes widened when he saw Lemonhead’s username beneath the disgruntled poster’s comment. “Motherfucker.”

  “There you go.” Stifling a laugh, Lisa moved on to the next photos. “He replied as Lemonhead to every single one of these ‘defend the criminal’ comments. There are fourteen in all. I ran a search through the site and this is the only thing he’s commented. All of them are the same. The last was only a few days ago and the first—”

  “Right after New York.” Johnny snarled. “I shoulda put a bullet in that burned fucker’s head when I had the chance.”

  The agent turned toward him and studied his scowling profile. “And if you had, Amanda would be somewhere unfathomably worse than where she is right now. So look at this and then we’re done with photos.”

  She swiped to the final shot of the private command-box message she’d received from this anonymous organizer. Johnny sighed. “Baltimore.”

  “Baltimore.”

  “Shit.” He sniffed and read the private message over and over. “The Red Boar’s been doin’ his research too. I assume he knows exactly who I am at this point.”

  “Well, we didn’t count on the Bulldog alias to last longer than the Monsters Ball.”

  “Uh-huh. Do you think he’s the bastard who sent this to you?”

  “Maybe.” She shrugged. “There’s no way to tell for sure—or at least no way for me to tell. I know enough about the dark web to get in, keep quiet, and get out again, but I’m not what anyone would call a computer whiz.”

  Johnny tapped the edge of the tablet. “This ain’t a computer, darlin’.”

  “Correct.” She smirked and shook her head. “I uploaded these images from my phone.”

  “You went through the dark web on your phone?”

  “No, Johnny. Can we get back to the important part of the conversation now?”

  He grunted.

  “So obviously, the Red Boar’s been looking for other people and magicals who want to see you eliminated as much as he does—”

  “And he’s puttin’ together a ‘take out Johnny Walker’ powwow in Baltimore with a group of my ex-bounties.” The dwarf grinned and stared intently at the tablet. “Then fuck yeah, darlin’. I’ll take the case.”

  “That’s good to hear.” Lisa turned the tablet off and slid it under her arm. “Because now—”

  “So when do we leave, huh?” He dropped to one knee to retrieve the nail gun and aimed it at the other side of the ramp.

  “Slow down for a second. There’s a whole—”

  The gun hissed and thumped. Johnny tested the ramp, nodded, and stood. “’Cause I can load up and head on out tonight if we have to. Tomorrow mornin’ at the latest. As long as Nelson gets everythin’ put together the way he knows it needs to be done—”

  “Johnny, stop.”

  He turned toward her with wide eyes and a crooked smile. “You got me to take the case, darlin’. Good work. How is that not enough?”

  “Because there’s more.”

  “Go on, then.”

  Lisa pursed her lips and tried to go as easy on him as possible with the next part of her plan. “I don’t think the Red Boar will risk showing his face at this meeting. The chances of that are slim to none, and I’m banking on none. I talked to Tommy last night and he agrees with me.”

  “Why ain’t he here to tell me that himself?”

  She wrinkled her nose. “After last time, it’s probably best for both of you to have a little space from each other, don’t you think?”

  The dwarf sniffed. “Don’t matter. We can still roll in, take out a few conspirators, and squeeze that ugly bastard’s location outta them.”

  “Yeah. And that’d be painting a huge neon sign for the Red Boar that we’re in Baltimore, we know he’s there, and we’re coming.”

  “Hmm.” He stroked his beard and pointed at her. “I’d call it more of a huge bloody sign. It feels more accurate.”

  “Johnny, he managed to slip away from the Bureau fifteen years ago before what was probably one of their biggest operations and he’s been underground this whole time. I don’t think that kind of message will make him easier to find or deal with.”

  “But you have a different message.”

  “I do.” Lisa took a deep breath. Here comes the final bomb drop. “Even though he most likely won’t make it to this ex-bounty meeting, he’ll probably still be in Baltimore to oversee the whole thing and make sure the thugs he’s bringing together are on the right track. He’ll stake the meeting out and vet his potential…uh, partners before any of them see his face. Which, fortunately for us, we’ve already seen.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What we need to do is draw him out, Johnny. Into the open. Give him a reason to attack you first and then we can close in. Because we’ll be expecting him but we need to make the Red Boar think we have no idea what’s coming.”

  The dwarf regarded her speculatively and drew a sharp breath. “Or we could find where this fucker’s stayin’ in the city and bash his damn door in.”

  “Or we can set a trap he won’t be able to resist.”

  “Well. I like traps.” He nodded cautiously. “What are you thinkin’?”

  “Hear me out, okay?” Lisa glanced at the chicken coop and pretended to study i
t with marginal interest. “I have the whole thing mapped out, so whatever potential loopholes you might immediately shout at me, I’m very sure I’ve already covered them.”

  “Uh-huh.” Johnny waved his fingers at her in a gesture to continue.

  “And I’ve already gotten the go-ahead from Tommy and the Department to get this rolling.”

  “Come on, darlin’. You’re settin’ up for a big reveal. I get it. Quit beatin’ around the bush.”

  She raised her eyebrows and drew a breath. “We’re bringing Dwarf the Bounty Hunter back for a final season.”

  He sniggered. When she looked at him and smiled, he stepped away from her, completely expressionless. “What. The. Fuck.”

  “Johnny, listen—”

  “No. No, no, no.” He dropped the nail gun and made her jump away in case it decided to fire on its own, and stormed across the yard toward the shed. “I ain’t doin’ it.”

  “It’s already been done.” Lisa followed him and stopped when the dwarf disappeared inside the shed. “We’ve already sent a press release out to multiple networks and media outlets. The crew’s been hired and they are coming with us to Baltimore. And Tommy bought the tickets.”

  The sound of rummaging through tools and pieces of wood and metal rose from inside the shed. Johnny thumped a fist on the wooden workbench beneath the shelves, then poked his head through the open doorway. “Are you tellin’ me that balding fuck has legit authorization from the Department to fund a goddamn reality show?”

  “Probably not.”

  He disappeared inside the shed again.

  “But he’s the only liaison who can bear to put up with you, Johnny. I’m very sure they simply give him a budget for your cases and don’t ask any questions beyond that. They don’t need to know how it’s spent or what we do with the funds as long as you take the case and close it exactly like you always do.”

  The shed was intensely silent for a long moment before Johnny exhaled a long, heavy sigh that sounded like compressed gas escaping from a release valve. His boots clomped across the floor and he stepped onto the grass and slammed the door shut behind him. “The Red Boar knows I did the show before. He’ll see this.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “The plan?” The dwarf rubbed his mouth vigorously, then folded his arms across his chest somewhat belligerently. “Our plan is to go to Baltimore with a whole filming crew under the ruse of one more season of the damn Bounty Hunter. Is that about right?”

  “Mostly.” Lisa stepped away to let him pass as he stormed across the back yard again. “Except it’s not exactly a ruse.”

  “Either it is or it ain’t, darlin’. Which one?”

  “Well, we’re not doing this for the sole purpose of how much fun it would be to bring Dwarf the Bounty Hunter back and follow him around Baltimore.”

  Johnny scoffed. “Careful.”

  “But we will be filming, Johnny. The whole time.”

  He whirled to stare at her. “Say again?”

  The agent nodded. “And they’ll be live-streaming parts of it—obviously not while we’re talking about this Kilomea or Senator Hugh or the actual case and definitely not while we’re working on setting things up to draw out the Red Boar. But the crew has permission to reach out to multiple network audiences and draw in more live viewers that way, plus a few clips posted to the YouTube channel—edited if they have to be, of course. And yes, there will be a full episode airing after we close the case and the Red Boar gets what he deserves.”

  His nose wrinkled and his mustache twitched from side to side beneath a constantly shifting grimace. “Fine,” he said after a long moment

  “Good.”

  He pointed at her. “I have one question.”

  “Go for it.”

  “What the hell is live-streaming?”

  Chapter Three

  The next morning, Johnny stood at his stove with a pair of tongs in his hand. Half a pound of thick-cut bacon hissed and sizzled on the back burner in the massive frying pan, and the eggs he’d cracked onto the other pan in the front had almost heated enough to start scrambling.

  “Johnny.” Luther’s tail beat urgently against the end of the cabinets beneath the kitchen counter. “Johnny, is it done yet?”

  “No.”

  “Smells done to me.” Rex uttered a low whine, licked his muzzle, and stood to prance from side to side before he sat again. “Very done.”

  “Yeah, you don’t wanna ruin it.”

  “We’d eat it raw, Johnny.”

  “We’ll eat it like it is right now.”

  “Y’all need to get on out the kitchen.” Johnny flipped the bacon strips one by one. Grease spat over the sides and landed on the floor. Both hounds turned their attention to the fatty splatter and licked in wide circles far beyond the treat they were cleaning up.

  “We got it, Johnny.”

  “Yeah, you drop anything, spill anything, pour anything over here, don’t even worry about a mop.”

  “We’re the mop.”

  “Get on.” The dwarf shooed them away, then set the tongs down to turn his attention to the cheese grater and the block of sharp white cheddar out on the cutting board.

  “But the bacon, Johnny.” Luther whined.

  “Which you ain’t gettin’ unless you do what you’re told.”

  “Yep.” Rex spun and trotted obediently through the back of the house toward the living room.

  Johnny shot a sidelong glance at Luther as he grated a heaping pile of cheese into the egg pan. “Don’t tell me you ain’t listenin’.”

  “What?”

  “You want any of this kinda breakfast, boy, you’d best get on out.”

  “But Johnny, I—”

  A massive bubble burst in the bacon pan and flecks of grease spat onto the side of the hound’s face. “Ow!” He yelped, scrambled away from the stove, and raced through the workshop and into the living room. His claws scrabbled across the wooden floor, then stopped when he reached the thick area rug. “How can something that tastes so good hurt so much?”

  Rex padded toward his brother and sniffed. “Wait, come here.”

  “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”

  “Yeah, but you smell like—”

  “Stop. Hey, leave me alone, Rex. I don’t know where your tongue’s been.”

  “Same places yours has been. And none of the weird ones, either.”

  “Stop, stop, stop, stop— Hey!”

  Both hounds barked and spun toward the front door. “Johnny!”

  “Someone’s coming!”

  “If it’s that salty two-legs again, we’ll eat him.”

  “Yeah, appetizer for that bacon.”

  They bayed madly, raced to the back of the house, and yipped at each other when they both tried to scramble through the dog door at the same time. The barking and shouted threats aimed at Agent Nelson continued around the side of the house.

  Johnny shook his head and picked the spatula up to start scrambling the eggs. I doubt it’s Nelson rollin’ up to visit us today. Not if he needs some so-called space.

  “Whoa, Johnny!” Rex called from the front. “Holy shit.”

  “Lots of people coming up the drive, Johnny.”

  “Big van. Two big vans.”

  “And the lady’s car.”

  “What?” He tossed the spatula onto the counter and turned, then remembered his breakfast. “Whoever the hell it is, boys, hold ʼem there a minute. I ain’t leavin’ these eggs.”

  “Or the bacon.” Luther barked wildly.

  “We got it, Johnny.”

  The dwarf turned the heat up beneath the egg pan and scrambled them furiously until they resembled what he wanted. He extinguished both burners, ripped off two sheets of paper towels, and covered the pans. Fuckin’ vans comin’ down my drive in the mornin’ and interruptin’ my meal. Shit.

  He wiped his hands on his jeans and strode toward the front door as the sound of multiple heavy tires on the gravel drive crunched to a hal
t. Johnny threw the door open and stormed across the porch. The screen door lurched open with a bang before he hurried down the stairs and gestured widely at the arrivals. “What the hell is all this?”

  Lisa shut the door of her car and headed toward him with a grin. “It’s the film crew.”

  “Yeah, I can see that, darlin’. What are they doin’ on my property?”

  “It’s good to see you too, Johnny. I’m having a great morning, thanks.”

  “Look, this ain’t somethin’ I agreed to—”

  “I told you they’d be filming the whole thing.” She fought a smile and turned to gesture toward the two large, white vans parked beside each other on the gravel. “So they came out here to start.”

  “Naw, the case starts when we leave the ground in a damn plane.”

  The sliding doors of both vans opened, and four crewmembers emerged from each vehicle, dragging out equipment and gear with them and talking excitedly about their plans.

  “They’re harmless, Johnny.” Lisa nudged him with her elbow. “Act like they aren’t here unless we’re sitting down for some of those Q&A shots.”

  “I hate those.”

  She shook her head with a tiny smile. “Stop.”

  A man with thin, fuzzy brown hair sticking up in all directions approached them and extended a hand toward Johnny. “Phil Ploster. I’ll be directing this. Nice to meet you, Mr. Walker.”

  “Just Johnny.” The dwarf sniffed and looked away from the man without shaking his hand. “I don’t need all this out here at my home, man. This ain’t goin’ out on TV.”

  “Oh, sure. No, we won’t film the outside or anything. We can crop the shots, no problem. Listen, I want to tell you personally how excited the crew is about getting to do this with you. You know, I spent hours as a kid watching you back when you were doing this full-time.”

  “Uh-huh.” He darted Lisa a contemptuous glance as the director blathered on.

  “I’ve seen all seven seasons—multiple times, in fact. Hey, I know it’s kind of weird to ask, but would you mind—”

  “All right. That’s his house, yeah?” Another man with closely shaved hair and wearing bright-yellow shorts at a barely acceptable length on a man’s legs pointed at the front porch. “We want the best lighting. Go check it out.”