Zero Dwarfs Given (Dwarf Bounty Hunter Book 4)

by Martha Carr

  Johnny turned after him as the crew ran toward the front porch. “What the hell? Hey!”

  Lisa reached for his arm but he shrugged away from her and jogged after the crew.

  “Hey! That’s my house!”

  The agent smiled apologetically at Phil and shrugged. “We’re good.”

  “Great.”

  The screen door slammed behind the last of the crewmembers hurrying inside. Johnny snarled and threw it open again. “Boys!”

  Rex whipped his head up from where he’d been sniffing one of the vans’ tires. Luther finished lifting a leg against the other van’s tire. “On it!”

  “We’re coming, Johnny. But—hey.” Rex stopped when the screen door slammed shut again and blocked their entry.

  “Dog door, bro.” Luther raced past his brother toward the back of the house.

  “Oh, yeah!”

  Johnny fumed as seven crewmembers swarmed through his cabin, opening doors and peering into rooms and closets and cabinets. “Y’all need to—”

  “Okay, the living room in the back looks like our only option right now.”

  “Devon, there aren’t any windows. Look at that. It’s like a cave.”

  “Fine. Natural lighting, then?”

  “There isn’t much of that in here, honestly.”

  A woman with a bandana tied around her head and a perpetual scowl that rivaled Johnny’s slipped past him to enter the workshop.

  “No!” He whirled toward her. “That room’s off-limits. The whole damn house is off limits!”

  She moved directly to the window and pulled the curtain aside before she turned to raise an eyebrow at him. “Is this the only window you have in the front?”

  “We’re not doin’ this—”

  “Hey, this room looks good.” Someone had opened the door to Amanda’s room and peered inside. “Nice light. But we’ll have to clean up a little. Did anyone know this guy has a kid?”

  “Well, he did.”

  “I mean right now.”

  Johnny growled and stalked toward the shelf in his workshop. He snatched a huge old cannon of a shotgun from behind the more regularly used weapons in his collection, completely unnoticed by the crew buzzing around in his belongings. But the loud and unmistakably decisive double-click of the shotgun’s slide brought the incessant conversation to an instant stop.

  The woman turned away from the window and saw the weapon in the dwarf’s hands and realized that his face had turned a dark shade of red beneath the brighter red beard. “Holy shit.”

  “Everyone out!” Johnny roared.

  “Hey, Cody. Are we rolling?”

  “Uh-huh…”

  He swung the shotgun toward the front door and the woman nodded before she slipped past him and headed outside. As he marched out of the workshop toward the hallway, the edge of a filming camera appeared from around the corner of the doorway. He released his weapon with one hand and thumped his palm against the camera lens. Cody uttered a yelp of surprise, then backed away from his equipment when the dwarf scowled balefully at him. “You ain’t filmin’ now. Not in my house.”

  The skinny man gulped and nodded. “Got it.”

  “Now get the fuck out. All y’all.”

  The woman with the bandanna had left the front door wide open, and the crewmembers hurried outside. The screen door creaked repeatedly as each person pushed it open again behind the next.

  The hounds trotted down the hallway from the back and their nails clicked loudly in the sudden silence. “Damn, Johnny. That’s officially the most two-legs we’ve had in the house.”

  “You throw a party and didn’t tell us about it?”

  He turned toward them and pointed at the open door. “Out.”

  “Aw, come on, Johnny.” Luther’s ears flopped against his head when he turned sharply to face the kitchen. “We haven’t had any of that bacon—”

  “Now!”

  Both hounds shied away from him before they trotted obediently through the open door. “Jeez. We live here in case you forgot.”

  “And we earned our treats. Can’t say we didn’t after this, Johnny.”

  The dwarf watched his hounds pad across the front porch. Rex nudged the screen door open with his snout and Luther scurried through after him.

  Earned them, huh? This was a home invasion and the damn hounds didn’t do shit.

  Johnny held the shotgun in one hand and pulled the front door shut behind him to slam it loudly. Then, he threw the screen door open and marched down the steps again to stop at the foot of the stairs. The screen door banged shut, and he lifted the shotgun to return it to both hands. “If I see any of y’all so much as look like you’re tryin’ to get inside, I ain’t got reservations ʼbout firin’ this. Understand?”

  The crewmembers stopped their muttered conversations and turned toward him.

  “Is that even loaded?” someone muttered.

  In answer, he spun and fired a round into the reeds of the swamp beside his house. The deafening crack echoed across his yard and a thick spray of swamp water and reeds exploded high into the air.

  The crew ducked, clamped their hands over their ears, and backed toward the vans.

  “Any other dumbass questions?” The bounty hunter sniffed and scanned their wary faces.

  “Okay.” Phil clapped briskly and plastered a wide grin on his face. “Change of plans! We’ll do the first intros out here in the yard. Mr. Walker, do you—”

  “Johnny.” The dwarf didn’t move.

  “Right. Johnny. Can we, uh… Can we use those Adirondack chairs for this first part?” Phil pointed to the side of the lawn that hadn’t been obliterated with a shotgun and spread his hands out in front of him in a mock panorama. “’Cause I see this perfectly now that we’re here. It sets a great mood for the whole thing. Swamp. Got that big old Live Oak right there in the corner. A few cattails…”

  Tuning out the guy’s blathering, Johnny met Lisa’s gaze as she walked calmly toward him. “What the hell’s he talkin’ ʼbout?”

  “Setting up for the first shoot.” She pointed to the other side of the yard where Phil had now directed the crew to move Johnny’s Adirondack chairs and attend to whatever he thought needed to be cleaned off the grass. “Like I said, they’re with us the whole time. Beginning to end.”

  “We don’t need this shit.”

  “But your viewers do, Johnny. And your fans.” She grinned and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You want this to look real, don’t you?”

  He growled and glared at the crewmembers buzzing around his yard.

  “Which means we have to do this the way you did it back in Dwarf the Bounty Hunter’s prime.”

  “I ain’t stepped outta my prime, darlin’.”

  She pressed her lips together to hide a smile and removed her hand. “I meant the show. And after seven seasons and sixty-eight episodes, I assume you still have a good idea what this first part is about.”

  Johnny grumbled and scratched the side of his face. “Damn Q&A.”

  “Okay, so let’s go answer some questions. Oh. But first…” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and began to glow within a haze of golden light.

  He stepped away from her with a scowl and scrutinized her warily. “What are you doin’?”

  The magical light faded and when she opened her eyes, they’d gone from a soft brown-hazel to an intensely bright green. Strawberry-blonde hair had replaced the long dark chestnut, and it was cut shorter to tumble in loose curls around her shoulders. Freckles dotted her much paler skin, and the completely wrong shape of lips parted when she grinned at him.

  Why the hell am I thinkin’ about her lips? Cut it out, Johnny. He grimaced. “Why?”

  Lisa gestured toward the film crew getting ready for their first shot. “Some parts of this will be live. The rest will be all over the Internet, most likely before we set foot in Baltimore. And I’m a federal agent.”

  “You don’t gotta say that on camera.”

  “No, but
the Red Boar saw my face in that penthouse too. If he sees Agent Lisa Breyer on a reality TV show with Johnny Walker, do you think he’ll ignore how suspicious that is?”

  Johnny grunted.

  “Does that answer your question?”

  “Naw. I meant why you gotta do yourself up as a redhead. Now we got two on this damn show. Ain’t no one will watch it.”

  She choked back a laugh. “That’s what bothers you?”

  “All right,” Phil called and gestured for them to join him. “Johnny and…”

  “Stephanie,” Lisa called with a nod. “If you forget everything else, don’t forget that’s my name now.”

  “Got it. Johnny and Stephanie. Let’s get rolling!”

  The dwarf grunted, gave her another slow scrutiny, then stalked away toward the makeshift studio on the side of his lawn.

  “Hey,” Lisa called after him, “do you want to put that shotgun down—”

  “No.”

  Chapter Four

  “Okay, Johnny.” Phil stood off to the side as the crew rolled cameras and zeroed in on the bounty hunter’s scowl. “We’ll simply ask a few questions about the case and going to Baltimore. Don’t give us too many specifics. Parts of this will get to the east coast before you do.”

  The man sniggered and Johnny rolled his eyes. Beside him, Lisa in her Stephanie disguise crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in the Adirondack chair, her arms resting casually on the wide armrests.

  “So answer honestly. That was the best part of the show back in the day. You didn’t hold back so feel free to let it all fly now, okay?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  The woman with the bandanna approached Johnny with a makeup pallet and a sponge in hand. “I need to—”

  “No, you don’t.” He glared at her from his chair.

  She returned his scowl, glanced at Phil, then snapped the compact shut and stepped away.

  “Here we go.” The director stepped back and spun a finger in the air.

  A man with a thin line of a beard and mustache trimmed around his mouth and jaw stepped forward and lowered the boom mic over Johnny’s head. The dwarf jerked his head away from the equipment and growled. “Man, get that fuckin’ thing and your douchebag beard outta my face.”

  At a nod from the director, the man stepped back two paces.

  Phil nodded. “So tell us about this new—”

  “Hold up.” Johnny stood with a grunt and took the shotgun with him as he strode down the side of the house.

  “Wait. Where are you going?”

  “We’re missin’ somethin’.”

  The director frowned at Lisa. “Will it be like this the whole time?”

  She smiled and nodded slowly. “Probably. But you guys are the professionals. I’d say roll with it.”

  “Yeah, we’re flexible.” The man scratched his head and focused on the side of the house where Johnny had disappeared.

  When the dwarf returned, he’d lowered the shotgun at his side in one hand and now had a neon-pink plastic yard flamingo cradled under the other arm. Lisa snorted.

  The hounds trotted behind him and sniffed at the long plastic feet and the stake at the end of the flamingo. “What is this?”

  “Looks like a bird, Johnny.”

  “Smells like dirt.”

  “Hush.” He returned to the interview setup, drove the flamingo stake into the soil beneath the grass, and gave it a good hard push to be sure it stayed in place. That done, he sat beside Lisa again and settled the shotgun across his lap.

  Cody looked up from behind the camera with wide eyes and shook his head at Phil.

  “Let me see.” The director headed toward the camera to check the shot and grimaced. “That’s too close. Johnny, we need to move this somewhere—”

  “It ain’t movin’.”

  Phil glanced at the shotgun in the dwarf’s lap. “It’s taking up a quarter of the frame here.”

  “You can land in Baltimore with or without your leg blown off at the groin, pal. Your choice.”

  Clearing his throat, the director clapped a hand on Cody’s shoulder and nodded. “Roll with it.”

  “Okay…”

  Lisa looked at the dwarf in exasperation. “What are you doing?”

  “Makin’ it my own.” He shifted in the chair. “And if Ronnie gets wind of this damn show filmin’ here in the Glades, I ain’t never gonna hear the end of how that flamingo didn’t get its time in the spotlight.”

  “Huh. That’s an odd promise to make someone before you even knew this was happening.”

  “It’s unspoken code down here, darlin’. I don’t expect you to understand.”

  With a wry chuckle, she tossed the curls of her illusioned strawberry-blonde hair over her shoulder and nodded at the camera. “We’re ready.”

  Rex and Luther sniffed around the chairs and moved between them and the film crew. “Hey, Rex. How come we never noticed all this out here in the yard before?”

  “What?”

  “Chairs. Cameras. All these shoes.” Luther’s snout bumped against a woman’s shoe and he snorted as she stepped away. “It’s like it showed up outta nowhere.”

  “Boys.” Johnny snapped his fingers. “That’s enough.”

  “Oh, hey. Yeah.” Phil grinned. “Let’s get the dogs in the shot too. That’ll be great.”

  “Yes!” Luther barked and trotted to his master’s side. “You hear that, Johnny? He wants us in the shot. We’re in the shot!”

  “We’re gonna be on TV!” Rex spun in a tight circle, then raced toward his master and skidded to a halt in front of the chairs. Lisa laughed as the larger hound spun and sat, panting.

  Luther sat but looked at Johnny instead. “This is the coolest thing I’ve done all day, Johnny.” His tail swept across the ground, scattering dry grass and twigs and dirt.

  The dwarf sniffed and gestured to the crew. “The camera’s that way.”

  “What? Oh!” Luther spun to face the right way and sat again. “Awesome.”

  “Okay, here we go.” Phil twirled his finger in the air again. “Johnny, you’re heading out to Baltimore for a new bounty. Tell us about it.”

  Johnny glowered at the center of the large camera lens and cleared his throat. “Well, some asshole’s blackmailin’ a…person of interest. It sounds like he’s makin’ a mess of his target’s life, so I aim to clean up and throw the bastard out with the trash.”

  Phil pumped a fist in the air and grinned. “Is it a human bounty or magical this time?”

  Lisa—as almost-redheaded Stephanie—leaned forward toward the camera. “Johnny doesn’t discriminate when it comes to doing his job.”

  Luther sniggered. “Or ladies.”

  Johnny snapped his fingers. “That’s right. If a criminal’s doin’ enough to get my attention, I don’t give a shit who they are, what they are, or how smart they think they are. I take ʼem down and turn ʼem in.”

  “Excellent. And what’s the price on this bounty in Baltimore?”

  The dwarf glanced briefly at Lisa and she shrugged. “Naw, I ain’t talkin’ ʼbout money.”

  “Okay. Is it more or less than your usual bounties? I mean back in the day, of course.”

  “It’s enough, okay?” He scowled at Phil and not at the camera now. “Move on.”

  “Sure. How do you feel about going into this one, Johnny? From what you know, would you say this will be an easy retrieval, or will you have to work a little harder—”

  “Who wrote these questions?”

  The director looked startled. “I’m sorry?”

  “They’re shit. Look, I ain’t takin’ cases ’cause they’re easy or hard. I take ʼem ’cause somethin’ needs doin’ and I’m the one to do it.”

  Beside him, Lisa lifted her chin toward the camera and smiled sweetly.

  Luther lowered himself onto his belly and stared at the device. “TV’s so boring.”

  “All right. We’ll move on.” Phil cleared his throat. “You’ve spent fifteen year
s in retirement after suffering a family tragedy.”

  “Are you for real?”

  “You stopped the show and holed up here down south,” the director continued, “leaving your bounty hunter days behind you. How do you feel about getting back into the business after all this time?”

  Johnny turned to scowl at Lisa and pointed at the man as he muttered, “Is this guy for real?”

  “Johnny?”

  “Phil.”

  “Do you have any concerns about your ability to find and apprehend this next bounty, given your previous record as a bounty hunter and your rather long hiatus?”

  His disbelieving snort matched his disdainful expression. “I’m a dwarf, asshole. I coulda stayed outta the game for thirty years and still known exactly what I’m doin’. This is bullshit.”

  He started to stand and Luther leapt to his feet and blocked his master momentarily before he padded across the grass toward the yard flamingo.

  “You were a household name by the time the seventh season of Dwarf the Bounty Hunter ended so abruptly. Is there anything you want to say to your viewers and fans around the world who are watching this now?”

  Johnny stared at Phil and his lip curled at the corner of his mouth in a half-snarl. The plan’s off if this asshole keeps pryin’ where he don’t belong. Before he could say anything, the steady, hollow patter of Luther relieving himself against the plastic flamingo filled the silence.

  The dwarf gestured toward his hound. “That about sums it up. We’re done.”

  This time, he didn’t have a hound to prevent him from standing and he walked away with his shotgun cradled in one arm.

  “Johnny,” Phil called. “Johnny, I still have a few more questions—”

  “No, you don’t. Lisa, when’s our flight?”

  “One o’clock.” She stood from her chair and pointed at Cody behind the camera. “Stop filming. And do not put him saying my name in anything you use, got it?”

  “Yep.”

  “It looks like it’s time to pack up and get moving.” She gestured toward the scattered crewmembers. “We’ll resume filming later.”

  The crew made no protest as Johnny and Agent Breyer disappeared inside the cabin. Rex and Luther trotted behind the house to enter through the dog door. “Man, if that’s what being on TV’s like, it sucks.”