Just Friends

by Tina T. Kove

  The sobs hurt both my tender ribs and my swollen face, but I couldn’t stop them. They wracked my body from the inside out. I almost couldn’t breathe because they were so all-consuming.

  I didn’t even notice my door opening, because I lay with my back to it. I only noticed that someone was in the room with me when the other side of the mattress dipped and a hand came to rest on my arm.

  ‘Ben?’ It was Maria. She couldn’t see anything in the room, couldn’t see my face even with the sparse light streaming in from the hall. ‘What’s wrong?’

  I only shook my head, because I didn’t know what was wrong. All I knew was I was miserable—that I hated my life.

  Maria squeezed my arm in comfort. She wasn’t the hugging type, definitely not the comforting type. She had no idea what to do with me when I was like this.

  No one knew what to do with me when I was like this.

  I was completely worthless. Not getting anywhere in my life. I might as well just end it right now. Spare myself and everyone else the misery of having to deal with me.

  I sobbed harder and turned my swollen, aching face into the pillow to try and stifle it. It hurt—so fucking much—which only made me cry harder.

  ‘It’s so dark in here,’ Maria said. ‘Can you turn on the lights?’

  No, I bloody hell couldn’t turn on the lights.

  But I didn’t need to, because the lights turned on anyway. Maria wasn’t speaking to me, but someone else.

  ‘Hey, Ben, come here.’ Kristina sat beside Maria and coaxed me to roll over onto my back. She put my head on her lap, brushed hair away from my face—then stilled. ‘What happened to your face?’

  I couldn’t speak. Certainly couldn’t explain. I just continued to cry, and tried to turn my head in towards her stomach to hide it as much as possible.

  She didn’t let me hide. She touched a feather-light finger to my cheek, my lip, my jaw, my eyes, my brows. ‘Who did this to you?’

  ‘M-Ma-Marcus,’ I managed to get out through the sobs.

  ‘When?’ Her finely shaped eyebrows drew together into a frown.

  ‘La-Last n-n-night.’ I didn’t want to think about Marcus, how I’d goaded him, how I’d gotten exactly what I wanted. How I got a lot more than I’d wanted. I hadn’t wanted to end up looking like a freak.

  ‘Have you been to the A&E?’

  I nodded jerkily, sobbing too much to get another word out.

  ‘Oh, Ben.’ Kristina’s hands threaded carefully through my hair. ‘You should’ve called me. Or Jo.’

  Speaking of Jo. I tilted my head back to look towards the doorway, and yep, there he was. He leant against it, muscular arms folded over his chest, staring thoughtfully at me.

  A loud sob wracked me again, and more followed. My ribs ached, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t stop crying. Along with my already swollen and bruised face, it being blotchy from tears wouldn’t do it any good.

  I must look horrible. Normally that would’ve bothered me. But it didn’t now. How I looked was of no matter, because everything hurt. Both physically and emotionally.

  ‘Make it s-st-stop,’ I cried, wanting to clutch at my ribs but afraid to hurt even more. ‘I can’t t-take it anym-mo-more!’

  Why was I like this? I was a complete wreck. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened—besides Nik totally blowing me off—to have set this off. It’d been coming a long time and now I couldn’t make it stop for the life of me.

  ‘Jo, can you go upstairs and get some painkillers? And a glass of water.’ Kristina bent over to hug me.

  He left the doorway.

  Now it was just me, Kristina and Maria. Maria, who hadn’t spoken since Kristina arrived. But she was there. Sitting in front of Kristina, regarding me with worry.

  ‘I don’t want this anymore,’ I whispered brokenly.

  ‘Don’t want what?’ Kristina asked, once again frowning.

  ‘I don’t want to live.’ It hurt too much. I had nothing to live for. I couldn’t make music, couldn’t perform, school sucked, I had no future prospects… what did I have to live for?

  Nik had rejected me.

  All I had was sex with Tarjei—and the sex was great, but I wanted more. I wanted someone I could lean on, someone who understood me. Someone like Nik.

  Or so I’d thought. But Nik didn’t have a clue. Nik, with his happy-go-lucky, love-a-big-dick-up-my-arse attitude, had no idea what it was like to be me. To be miserable all the time, to long for a razor, to be in pain—in constant overdrive because my brain wouldn’t shut down. He had no idea what it was like to want to die.

  ‘Shh, don’t speak like that.’ Kristina tentatively stroked my cheek. ‘I don’t know where to touch you so I won’t hurt you.’

  ‘Everywhere hurts.’

  ‘We’re all worried about you.’ She frowned. ‘You haven’t been answering your phone. You have to do that, Ben. Thomas was this close to taking the first plane he could get home because he was worried about you.’ She held her index finger and thumb centimetres apart.

  That made me cry even harder, because I didn’t want to ruin his holiday. He never had those. He always worked, always took care of us. Now he had finally taken some time off for himself and he deserved to not have that precious time ruined. To not have to worry about me and my fucked up mind.

  ‘Ben…’ Kristina stroked my hair. It had no products in it now, after my shower, so it was easy for her to run her fingers through without getting tangled.

  ‘Maybe we should get him committed,’ Maria said in a low voice. ‘If he says he doesn’t want to live anymore—’ She chewed her lip, worried.

  Kristina mirrored it as she looked back at my face. ‘Yeah, maybe. But he’s off age, and not a danger to himself or others. Not right now, anyway. He has to want it himself.’

  I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to commit myself to the psychiatric hospital, to stay in there with all the other sick people. I wanted my bed, my room, my stuff around me.

  I wanted my family.

  ‘Okay then,’ she sighed.

  Did I say that out loud?

  ‘We’re here, Ben. We’ll stay here with you.’ Kristina’s voice was soft, soothing. ‘Jo’s back with painkillers. Here.’

  She pushed on my shoulders and I reluctantly sat up. Popped the pills, drank some from the glass she handed me, swallowed.

  Then I fell forwards, against her shoulder, and cried again.

  I couldn’t stop. I wanted to, because it hurt so fucking much. But I couldn’t. Because physically hurting only made the crying worse than it already was from the emotional hurt.

  ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’

  Kristina’s arms wrapped around me. Not too tight so it hurt, but tight enough to feel them there. To know I was loved, that she was here for me. That they were here for me.

  If anything could make me feel better, it was that.

  They managed to coax me upstairs after a while, and we ordered takeaway and hunkered down in the living room.

  I sat in the three-seater between Kristina and Maria, while Jo took the two-seater.

  The food was delivered to our door, and Jo went to get it. And pay for it. I would feel bad about that if I weren’t exhausted from the crying and still hurting.

  Jo put the bags on the table, then left to get cutlery, spices, and ketchup.

  ‘A chicken filet with chips instead of rice for you.’ Kristina had opened the bag and was dividing out the takeaway boxes. She put mine on the table in front of me. ‘Chicken kebab for me. Regular kebab for Jo. And a chicken filet with rice for you, little sis.’

  Jo distributed glasses to us all and Maria filled them with Coke.

  The food was good, even if it hurt to chew and swallow. I spent twice as long on mine as anyone else did, but then they didn’t have a swollen lip and fractured ribs getting in the way.

  ‘Can you tell me what happened last night?’ Kristina turned to me, cautious in case I got in a fit of hysterical cryin
g again, perhaps.

  ‘I wanted to help Nik. He seemed smashed, but he basically told me to fuck off.’ I moved some chips around in my box. ‘So I went behind the building to cool off, I guess, and Marcus showed up.’ I chewed slowly, trying to gather my wits, figuring out how to tell them. ‘I goaded him. I wanted him to hit me. But not quite like this.’ I motioned to my face.

  Kristina wore a frown. ‘How’d you get to the A&E?’

  ‘I rang Tarjei.’ I bowed my head. ‘Woke him. He came straight away. Went with me, sat with me, took me home, and tucked me in bed.’

  ‘Tarjei’s great.’ Kristina’s expression softened.

  ‘Yeah,’ I agreed quietly. ‘He is.’ I felt bad for the way I’d left, for what I’d said in anger. It would’ve been difficult for him to keep me being there a secret when Nik wanted to come in. Tarjei would’ve either had to physically keep him from coming in… or Nik would’ve seen me lying on the sofa, anyway.

  ‘Where is he now?’

  ‘Home, I reckon.’ That’s where I’d left him, after all.

  Kristina’s frown returned. ‘What did you do?’ It came out a little crasser than what she’d perhaps meant it to, as her expression softened immediately again.

  ‘What makes you think I did anything?’ I muttered, annoyed all of a sudden.

  ‘Because, Ben.’ She sighed. ‘You always do something. Tarjei doesn’t have it in him to say no to you. He’d do anything you asked of him.’

  ‘I don’t know why he cares about me.’ I knew she was right. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. ‘Why he likes me so much.’

  ‘Because you’re very likeable,’ Maria shot in. ‘When you want to be. When you’re not being an obnoxious twat, anyway.’

  I shot her a glare.

  But she was right. I knew I was difficult, that I was a handful. But I couldn’t help it. My reactions simply happened, with me unable to stop it. I knew, distantly, that I was in the wrong, but when I was emotional I reacted on instinct. And my instincts were rather dramatic.

  ‘On Tuesday, as soon as the doctor’s offices open, you’re ringing and demanding an appointment. Preferably on Tuesday, but if they can’t squeeze you in, then on Wednesday.’ This was Kristina again, in full-out Mum-mode. ‘And you’re going to that appointment, and you’re telling your doctor you want a referral to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. You want a second opinion on your diagnosis.’

  ‘What?’ Now I frowned.

  ‘Because yes, you’re clearly depressed. Your antidepressants aren’t working anymore. But I also think there’s something else.’ She glanced at Jo. ‘Maybe you’re bipolar too.’

  Maria shot a glance at Jo too, who kept his gaze firmly set on Kristina.

  ‘Or maybe it’s something else. Personality disorder, or something.’ Kristina ran a hand through my hair again, soothing. ‘Something’s wrong and you need help. You need to get off your current antidepressants, and get new ones. Maybe you need other meds too.’

  ‘You seem to know a lot about this shit,’ I muttered.

  ‘Yeah, well, I’ve got a lot of practice.’ She glanced at Jo again, with a small, not-quite-happy, smile.

  ‘I’ve never been manic.’ I wasn’t anything like Jo. He went completely off the deep end when he was manic and I’d never experienced anything even close to that.

  ‘There’s more to it than that. He’s got bipolar one. Bipolar two… you’re only hypomanic then, meaning no psychosis. And you do have your periods when you seem happier than usual.’

  ‘That’s me being normal,’ I pointed out dryly. ‘Because I’m almost always miserable.’

  ‘It’s not normal to be miserable all the time.’ Kristina wrapped an arm around my shoulder. ‘Please, Ben, do as I say.’ She put her forehead against the side of my head. ‘Easter’s a shitty time for this to happen because everywhere’s closed from Thursday to Monday. But Tuesday… I’ll stay here until then, stay with you, if you want. I can even go with you to the doctor’s office.’

  Killing me with kindness, much? I didn’t deserve this.

  The doorbell went off, breaking off whatever she expected me to reply.

  I was thankful for that since I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t need to be babysat—but at the same time, I was pleased she offered.

  ‘I’ll get that.’ Maria jumped off the sofa and disappeared into the hall.

  ‘So?’ Kristina pressed.

  ‘I’m not an invalid, you know,’ I murmured.

  ‘No, but you’re depressed. You need people around you.’

  Sometimes, when I was alone, I quite liked being alone. Other times, all I wanted was to be around people. Then again, when I was around people, I wanted to be alone again. It was an endless circle of never being happy about anything.

  ‘Ben?’ Maria hovered in the doorway. ‘It’s Nik.’

  My insides all but seized up.

  ‘Do you want to talk to him?’

  I shook my head quickly. No, I did not want to talk to him.

  His words still rang in my head. I couldn’t face him now, after that, not with my face all beat up. He might think it was his fault and feel guilty, and I didn’t want that.

  But it was sort of his fault. I never would’ve goaded Marcus like that, if Nik hadn’t said what he’d said.

  True, but would Marcus have let me go unharmed, anyway? Probably not. He was a total psycho.

  I jerked in surprise when Kristina patted my shoulder.

  ‘Sorry.’ She held her hands up, palms out.

  ‘It’s okay.’ If my face hadn’t already been so colourful, I would’ve flushed in embarrassment. ‘I was thinking about Marcus.’

  Her expression clouded. ‘You should press charges. He can’t go around like that. Look what he did to Alex, and now you.’

  Press charges… yeah, right. Because that would lead somewhere. There’d been only the two of us. No cameras, no witnesses. This was the same situation Alex had been in. Word against word.

  Maria came back in, sans Nik. Jo and she cleaned up the table and carried everything into the kitchen. I heard them speak softly to each other, but it was too low to make out any words. Not that I wanted to listen in on their conversation—unless they talked about me.

  Which they probably did.

  ‘Think about it, Ben.’ Kristina couldn’t seem to stop touching me. Had I really worried her that much? ‘He hurt Alex enough he needed sutures. Even though he pressed charges, Marcus got off with no punishment. He beat you up. He’s going to hurt someone else too.’

  Of course I knew that. He was a ticking bomb that could go off any minute.

  ‘He’s going to get off no matter what. His parents are lawyers. I goaded him into it, said things I knew would anger him. Nothing’s going to come of me pressing charges.’ This was my own damn fault. I pressed my fingers to my temples. ‘My head hurts.’ A dull throbbing got louder and louder.

  ‘Why don’t you go downstairs and lay down for a bit?’ Kristina suggested. ‘We’ll be here when you wake up.’

  I’d been content sitting with the three of them. But now, with the prospect of being alone… I wanted that. So taking a nap, forgetting every shitty aspect of my life for the moment, sounded like a good idea.

  My phone was vibrating on my bedside table, but I ignored it. I didn’t want to speak to anyone.

  What if it was Nik? It didn’t matter, seeing as he didn’t want anything to do with me. Except for friendship, but I couldn’t do that right now. His friendship could fuck right off.

  I wish I could turn my brain off. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to go back and forth all the damn time. It was exhausting.

  I wanted to curl up into a ball, but that was too painful for my ribs, so I stretched out on my back under the covers.

  One thing was clear: I needed to get over Nik. Which was easier said than done after all these years. But I had to. He’d made that perfectly clear.

  ‘Argh!’ I tugged painfully on my hair.
‘Fuck.’

  I knew I had to get over him. I just didn’t know how. A voice in my head whispered that I’d figure it out and that was all I could hope for.

  Saturday, April 20th

  I changed between annoyed Kristina was always around and grateful that she was. She always popped into my room to check I was alive, which was annoying when I was asleep, and which I was grateful for when I couldn’t sleep.

  When she came downstairs with an Easter egg on Saturday morning, it startled a laugh out of me. It was the first time I’d laughed in what felt like forever.

  ‘An Easter egg? Really? I’m not a little kid anymore.’ But I took it, put it in my lap, and opened the top half.

  ‘So? You never get too old for Easter eggs filled with candy.’ Kristina sat down on the edge of my bed. ‘Jo got me one.’

  I snorted, then sorted through my egg. Lots and lots of candy—and only candy that I liked.

  She remembered what I like. It was such a small thing yet it made me incredibly emotional.

  ‘Are you feeling better today?’ She watched me closely, studying me.

  ‘I guess.’ I shrugged, not meeting her eyes. I was better in the sense I wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably—but the hopelessness and despair I felt instead hadn’t gone anywhere. ‘I don’t know. I just want to lie in bed.’

  ‘Then lie in bed. If that’s what you need to get back up on your feet again, stay in bed today. And tomorrow, if you need it. Stay in bed until Tuesday if that’s what it takes, Ben.’ Her eyes flickered between mine. ‘Yesterday… I hate seeing you like that. Whatever it takes not to get there again, do it.’

  I hated crying too, I really did, but getting it all out in tears was good sometimes. It had been good yesterday, and I didn’t feel like I needed to bawl my eyes out again anytime soon.

  ‘Do you want to come up for breakfast?’ she asked then. ‘Maria and I’ve been at it for an hour. A proper Easter breakfast.’

  My teeth sank into my lower lip.

  ‘Or I could come down with some for you,’ she added quickly. ‘You can have breakfast in bed.’