Just Friends

by Tina T. Kove

  ‘No, I’ll—’ I put the egg back together, hiding all the candy from view. ‘I’ll come upstairs.’

  Maybe it would be good for me. Or maybe it would be disastrous. I wouldn’t know until I tried. And it was Easter. I should be up there with them. Too bad the rest of our family was away. Thomas and Andreas… and Alex.

  The click of claws out in the hall gave me a second’s warning before I was assaulted by a big, fluffy dog jumping on the bed and smothering me.

  ‘Griff!’ Kristina yelled in surprise.

  I doubled over in pain as the dog hit my ribs, but I also reached out a hand to pet him. Griff was a good dog. Too big for his own good, something I didn’t think he was quite aware of. Just how big he was, that was.

  ‘So Jørgen’s here too?’ I got out through clenched teeth.

  ‘Yeah.’ Kristina took Griff by the collar and coaxed him off me.

  ‘How much does he weigh?’ I felt like I’d been hit by a train.

  ‘Thirty or forty kilos?’ Kristina guessed. ‘Something around there.’

  Griff was a Borzoi—a Russian wolfhound. When Thomas had agreed to let Jørgen get a dog, they’d agreed on a medium-sized one. Considering how many of us lived in this house back then, a medium-sized dog was what we had space for. However, when they went to the shelter or whatever the place was called, Jørgen had fallen for this big lug of laziness.

  Whoever said sighthounds needed lots of exercise had never met this one. Maybe he was broken. Because he spent most of his days in his dog-bed—or the sofa or an actual bed if his own wasn’t available. He was fast outside, but he was also happy with just a walk around the block to do his business.

  I should know, I’d walked him plenty of times when Jørgen had been unable to.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Kristina petted Griff on the side, maybe to keep him complacent with her instead of coming at me again. While he was the nicest dog I’d ever met, he was also the biggest and heaviest one.

  No, scratch heaviest. He might be in competition with Nik’s parents’ German Shepherd there. Griff was definitely taller, but Rex was wider and bulkier.

  Actually, I had no idea which one was the heaviest. I wasn’t that interested in dogs. I wasn’t that interested in anything lately.

  ‘I’ll be fine.’ I curled one arm around my stomach as I sat up and put my feet on the floor. I side-eyed Griff, who was sitting with his tongue hanging out, gazing up at Kristina as she continued to scratch him. That dog loved cuddles more than anything. ‘You’re a good boy.’ I scratched his ear to show him I wasn’t angry with him.

  ‘Should we head upstairs then?’

  I stood slowly, feeling all the aches and pains of my body. I hoped it started healing quickly because I wasn’t going to be able to do shit if it continued hurting so much.

  Griff headed upstairs ahead of us, eager to be reunited with his owner, probably. Griff and Jørgen were usually joined at the hips.

  Maria’s laughter could be heard from the kitchen as we left the stairs behind. She was sitting with her back to the door, so all I saw was her long, blonde hair. Opposite her, facing me, was Jo and Jørgen.

  Seeing them sitting right next to each other was always startling. They were identical twins and if I didn’t know them so well, I would not have been able to tell them apart. It helped that Jo had gotten tattoos, but Jo was also the extrovert one. Jørgen was extremely introverted—plus, Griff was sitting loyally at his side.

  Jørgen, as the only one in the room who hadn’t seen my face, blinked in surprise as I walked through the doorway. His eyes widened slightly.

  ‘Told you he looked bad,’ Jo said in a low voice.

  ‘Thanks for that,’ I said dryly. ‘Way to keep my confidence up.’

  ‘It’ll heal.’ Maria rubbed my upper arm gently. ‘You’ll be just as pretty as you always are.’

  ‘I’m never pretty.’ I snorted in disbelief.

  ‘Ruggedly handsome, then?’ Maria offered, smiling slightly.

  I snorted again, but it was better than being called pretty. I wasn’t pretty. Nik was pretty if you looked for that in guys. I was just his ugly, emo friend.

  Jørgen had been watching me during my exchange with Maria, but his gaze fell to the table again now. He never said much, not without directly being asked a question.

  Everyone in the room but me was blond. Maria, Jo and Jørgen’s colour was light, while Kristina was a dark blonde. I was the only one with dark hair. Thomas also had dark hair though, which was probably why people we didn’t know always assumed I was his son when we were out and about. We did look alike—but that was probably because my mother had been his twin.

  Twins ran in our family, but only Jo and Jørgen in our generation were twins. It probably meant one of us was going to have twins if we ever had children.

  That someone was not going to be me, considering I was gay and not likely to ever impregnate anyone. Kristina and Maria, however… and Jo and Jørgen, of course.

  Then there was Andreas… he might not be up for children anymore if he stuck it out with Alex. Not that he’d said he ever wanted little brats, but I’d always assumed he’d be tied down with a wife and kids someday too. Not so much anymore.

  He better hold onto Alex. I liked him and I didn’t want everyone to start breeding. I didn’t like children.

  One good thing about being gay was that I wasn’t ever likely to have a surprise baby on my hands. Condoms were only there to prevent sexually transmitted diseases, not prevent pregnancy.

  If guys could ever become pregnant I’d become a monk, for real.

  ‘Bread?’ Maria handed me the bread-basket and I plucked one slice from it.

  I wasn’t all that hungry, but I knew I needed to get some sustenance in me. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday.

  Griff was lying between my chair and Jørgen’s now, snoozing. I was sitting at the head of the table, with Jørgen to one side and Maria at my other. Kristina was next to Maria, opposite Jo, was next to Jørgen.

  They all seemed to be in a good mood. Nothing was dragging them down. Well, Jørgen had his issues and he was hard to read, but even he seemed looser than usual today.

  Why was I the one stuck deep in a dark, bleak hole? Why was I the one with a mess of emotions wrecking me? I didn’t have it any worse than them. Actually, some of them had had a hell of a lot worse life than I had.

  How Jo and Jørgen managed to pull themselves up, I had no idea. Not after the shitty, abusive home they’d grown up in.

  Kristina and Maria had lost both their parents. Granted, their parents had been like my parents too, even if technically they’d only been my uncle and aunt. I’d grown up with them. I’d loved their parents just as much. So why weren’t they as depressed as I was?

  What was wrong with me that I felt all of this shit all the time? Why couldn’t I simply feel one thing at a time? Why did I have to feel all of it at the same time? Why did I have to be dragged in several different directions?

  It was exhausting. Life was exhausting. I really hated my life. Sometimes I wondered why I couldn’t just go to sleep and never wake up again?

  Except no. I didn’t really want to die. Sometimes I did, but it didn’t last all that long. I had stuff to live for. My music, whenever it cooperated, my family, my friends. Well, my two friends, as that was all I had.

  Still, it should be enough, shouldn’t it? Yet it didn’t feel like it was.

  Kristina arriving with an Easter egg had made me laugh—and I had no idea when the last time I’d laughed had been. Must be ages ago. That felt good. To laugh, that was.

  It felt good sitting here surrounded by them. It was a couple of years since we’d all lived in the same house now, and though that time had been crowded, it’d been nice too.

  ‘Don’t isolate yourself, that only makes it worse.’

  Someone had said that to me once. I couldn’t remember if it was Thomas or my old therapist. Hell, maybe it was both of them. Maybe they were right, maybe they
weren’t.

  Maybe I’d be alone and isolated for the rest of my life—because who could possibly want to be with me? Who could keep up with the mood swings? Who could love me even when I was at my worst?

  I couldn’t see how anyone could. I didn’t even love myself—so how could I expect anyone else to love me?

  And wasn’t that what it boiled down to? I just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone for myself. Kristina had Jo now. Maria had a boyfriend she wouldn’t let any of us meet. Andreas had Alex. Hell, even Jørgen had someone, and who would’ve ever thought that after the trauma he’d endured?

  I was the only one of us all alone.

  Nik didn’t want anything to do with me, so where did that leave me? He was the only guy I’d ever been in love with. I hadn’t seen anyone but him for seven years.

  How was I supposed to move on from that?

  Was I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life? That’s what it felt like right now. And I hated that feeling. I didn’t want to have those feelings.

  I just wanted someone too… Was that too hard to ask for?

  Monday, April 22nd

  My fingers ran over the piano keys, the melody washing over me, calming me. This was the first time I’d sat at the piano in weeks—months maybe. And it felt good.

  Music was the one constant in my life.

  Except, it seemed, every year I had a few months where I wasn’t able to do it at all. Not play, not sing, not write texts. Writing texts was something I struggled with all the time, but that was mostly due to my dyslexia. I fucking hated dyslexia.

  ‘I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.’ The lyrics poured out of me as my fingers made the melody come to life.

  ‘That’s an even sadder rendition than the original,’ a voice said behind me as I finished singing. I hit the wrong key in surprise, ruining the ending.

  ‘Thomas.’ I turned around on the bench and saw Thomas standing there, gazing at me in worry.

  He was home!

  I didn’t realise how much I’d missed him until I stared at him now. He’d always been a part of my life, even back when I’d grown up with my uncle and aunt. They’d been like parents to me, and Thomas had been… well, my uncle. Which was what he actually was. My mum’s twin. I’d never known her, but he had a few pictures of her. They’d been so alike.

  What did he see when he looked at me? Did he see her?

  He’d always done what was best for me. After Mum—my aunt, that was, but as I’d grown up with them I’d called her Mum along with my cousins—died, Thomas had taken me in. I’d hid my cutting from him and my sexuality—and in one morning four years ago he’d found out about both.

  He’d gotten me into therapy, helped me through the worst, kept me on my meds even when I wanted to go off them. He’d allowed me to start tattooing both my arms before I was off age. He’d always allowed me to be me.

  Except I wasn’t sure who I was.

  ‘Hey.’ He came over and hugged me, then gently pulled back to look at my face. My lip wasn’t quite as swollen anymore, but I was more colourful now than I had been. Bruises all over. I looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks, because of the dark bruises around my eyes.

  I leant in closer to him, wrapped my arms around him, and held on. I needed some of his strength. He was the strongest person I knew. He’d taken in six traumatized kids and not had a breakdown. He’d done what was best for all of us. He was a steady rock in an otherwise chaotic existence.

  ‘I’ve spoken to Kristina,’ he said.

  Of course he had. I still hadn’t even so much as looked at my phone in three days. When it wouldn’t stop vibrating—with calls or texts I didn’t even know which—I’d simply turned it off. And it had stayed that way. I didn’t want to talk to anyone who wasn’t family, didn’t want to see anyone who wasn’t family.

  ‘I want to ask you something,’ he said then, bringing me out of my thoughts. ‘Initially, I wanted to surprise you, but if you don’t want it, I figured I’d rather ask first.’

  ‘What is it?’ I pulled back to frown at him in confusion.

  Thomas gazed at me, kind and warm and father-like.

  ‘I’m spending three weeks in Spain this summer. Borrowing Mum’s house because she’s going travelling with a friend of hers. I’d very much like it if you’d join me. It’s all on me too. I’ll pay for everything.’

  Three weeks in Spain with Thomas?

  ‘I don’t know…’ Why was I even hesitating? ‘Don’t you want to be alone?’ That must be why he’d borrow her house when she was gone, right? Why else would he do that if he wasn’t in need of some alone-time?

  ‘Since when have I ever enjoyed being alone?’ He chuckled. ‘You can bring someone. Bring Nik.’

  ‘Umm, no.’ Definitely not Nik. I was getting over him. I didn’t have a choice. ‘I’ll think about it.’ Three weeks away in Spain, with sun and warm weather, sounded like something I needed. To get away for a bit, to relax and escape a little.

  I actually wanted that, now he’d brought it up. But who to bring with me? Did I even need to bring someone?

  ‘Maybe we can make it a family holiday,’ Thomas said then. ‘You and Andreas are finishing high school this summer, and he’s off to the army. Maybe we can make it a last holiday for all of us together, or something?’

  That actually sounded like a really good idea. I was dreading the end of school. Both Andreas and Alex would leave and I would likely be stuck here forever.

  ‘Damn.’ Thomas grimaced as he looked me over. ‘He really did a number on your face.’

  Yeah, I looked horrible. The only time I looked at myself in the mirror was when I brushed my teeth in the morning, but that was enough.

  ‘Hey.’ Thomas put his hand around the back of my neck. ‘We’ll get through this, Ben. We will.’

  I wanted to believe him. But everything felt hopeless. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to get through it. So it was hard to believe him right now.

  ‘Yeah?’ I called out as there was a knock on my door. I was too distracted by the film I was watching to see which of my family was coming to check on me.

  ‘Hey.’ That voice did definitely not belong to any of my family members.

  I sat up quickly from my sprawled position on my sofa and turned my head to stare at Tarjei. ‘Tarjei. Hi.’ I tried to look around him, to see if anyone else was hovering. ‘Who let you in?’

  ‘Maria.’ He took a step closer to me. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Okay.’ I lay back down. Sitting hurt my ribs, but lying down was fine.

  Tarjei came over to the sofa. I lifted my legs to make space for him, and then draped them over his lap as he sat. He put his hands on my calves.

  ‘I’m probably seeing my doctor tomorrow.’ I looked back at the telly, unable to look at him. I didn’t know how I felt about him being here. ‘Going to get a referral to the district psychiatric centre again. But getting an appointment there takes forever, and even then, who knows if they decide I need to be there or not again.’

  ‘How can they not?’

  I shrugged. Or at least I tried to, it wasn’t as easy when I was lying down.

  ‘I’ll get a letter eventually, telling me if I get an appointment or not.’ I knew how this worked. I’d been through it before. ‘If I do get one appointment, they will decide after that if I need to come in regularly.’

  ‘I hope they’ll help you.’ He stroked my leg.

  ‘Yeah.’ I sighed. I’d been forced into therapy last time… but now I knew I needed it. I couldn’t keep going like this.

  ‘If you need anything, I’m here.’

  I glanced at him. Sex hadn’t been on my mind the last few days, I’d been to far down in the gutter and in too much pain for that. But lying down, I felt good and he was here.

  ‘There’s one thing I need.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ He kept stroking my leg absentmindedly as he met my gaze.

  ‘Yeah.’ I pushed myself
up with one hand while holding the other to my ribs. ‘I’ve got condoms and lube in my bedside table drawer.’

  Tarjei blinked once, then slid out from under my feet to go retrieve the stuff we needed.

  I positioned myself more comfortably. My ribs might hurt more when I sat, but with a straight back, both feet planted on the floor, and knees spread, they didn’t feel so bad. My baggy joggers—rather, his—were already tented.

  Tarjei dropped the lube and condoms next to my hips as he sank to his feet in front of me.

  I spread my legs further apart to accommodate him. He ran his hand over my dick with a small smile.

  Was he always smiling when we had sex?

  I didn’t think I smiled much during sex. I was too wrapped up in pleasure to bother with smiles. But Tarjei seemed downright happy right now. Understandably. Sex did make me happy too. It was the only good thing in my life right now.

  ‘Are you going to stare and touch me all day or get down to business?’ He was taking a bloody long time to get going.

  He pulled my joggers down and instantly found out that I wasn’t wearing any underwear as my dick sprang free. My cock was probably the best thing about me. It wasn’t too small or too long. Not too thin or too thick. It was a good length, slightly above average—and yes, I’d measured it.

  Tarjei revealed my head slowly as he pushed the foreskin down. He stared at it for a brief second before sucking me in.

  ‘Oh yeah, there we go.’ I groaned, moving my hips slightly as he deep-throated me.

  His mouth was warm and hot around me. His blowjob skills were too good. I’d come immediately if he kept this up.

  ‘Tarjei.’ I pulled on the first thing my hand could grab, which was his hair. I didn’t pull hard though. I didn’t want to hurt him. It was enough that one of us was in pain—although mine was pretty much drowned out by endorphins right now. Sex was so much better than painkillers. ‘Let’s move on before you make me come.’

  He pulled off me with a wet pop.

  ‘Sexually frustrated much?’ he teased, stroking my sticky instead as he gazed up at me.