by Ivy Smoak
Kristen shrugged. “That’s not very far away from the University of New Castle. What else did you learn?”
“That he looks amazing even when he’s wearing a shirt.” And not wearing pants. “He loves a good burger. He rides a motorcycle…”
“God, of course he does. Did he wear a leather jacket? Did he make you wear a leather jacket?”
I laughed. “No, and no.”
“All he’s missing is the jacket and tattoos. Everywhere.”
Tattoos and a leather jacket would definitely scream bad boy a litter louder. But I liked that J.J. was a good bad boy. I smiled to myself.
“Anything else?” Kristen asked. “Anything in particular to get you to look into transferring schools in the fall? Because I could have sworn we talked about that a few weeks ago and our conversation certainly didn’t spur you into action.”
“Well, he maybe mentioned transferring credits and the possibility of moving back to the east coast.”
Kristen squealed. “He didn’t even hint at it? He just flat out asked?”
I couldn’t conceal my smile any longer. “Yeah. And we also kissed.” I decided that leaving off the fact that he apologized afterward and drove off on his motorcycle was for the best. He was definitely just worried about how I’d react to the kiss. He was worried that he crossed the line. And I couldn’t wait to see him again so I could tell him there was no line anyway.
Kristen picked up one of the pillows off my bed and threw it at me. “And who said it was a date date? Not just a friend date?”
“You,” I said as I hugged the pillow to my chest. “I just…I never expected him to actually like me as more than a friend. I mean, I’ve opened up to him about Aiden. He knows I was a loner out in Cali. And he doesn’t do long distance relationships.” That was the only troubling thing about our kiss. I hoped it was the fact that I told him I wanted to be single this summer that made him stop kissing me, and not the fact that he was worried about me being unfaithful to him if we were ever apart. I wasn’t the kind of girl that cheated. Apparently I was just the kind of girl that got cheated on. Ugh. I hugged the pillow a little tighter.
“Well, it looks like he’s singing a new tune about long distance relationships. So when is your next date?”
“Um…I don’t know. I figured we’d just see each other on Tuesday when I usually go to the beach.”
“Oh. Huh.”
“What, is that bad?” I couldn’t exactly extract plans from him when he was running away from me.
“No, it’s…” her voice trailed off. “Didn’t you say he has the weekends off too? I figured you’d have plans again today. But he’s probably just doing that whole guy thing.” She rolled her eyes. “I hate when guys act like there’s a two-day rule. When two people like each other that only have one summer…they should be hanging out at every opportunity.”
She was right. June would be over before I even knew it. We only had two months in the same state.
“Screw the two-day rule. Text him something sexy and go out to dinner. I can manage on my own for a couple of nights in a row.”
“I don’t have his number.”
“Oh. Huh.”
“Would you stop saying that?” I laughed and threw the pillow back at her. “I only just learned his name, and I had to force it out of him.” Actually I had to steal his wallet and get him practically naked, but Kristen didn’t need to know the specifics. “I’ll definitely get his number on Tuesday.”
“Well, in the meantime…” she turned my laptop back toward her. “We should stalk him on Facebook.”
“How about you stalk him and I make pancakes?”
“Even better.” She started typing as I climbed out of bed.
When I was little, my dad used to make pancakes every Sunday morning. It was one of the only good memories I had of him. I pulled out the flour. I wondered if he was making pancakes for his new family now. The thought made my stomach twist into knots. I needed to call him if I was transferring schools. Before he got a chance to send a check to the wrong place.
I cracked an egg in the mixing bowl. My dad probably wouldn’t even ask why I was transferring. He’d just try to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I started to beat the batter a little harder than I should have been. I hoped to God that J.J. was nothing like my father. Or Aiden. Or anyone who found joy in making my heart hurt.
Chapter 10
Tuesday
My lifeguard was looking at the ocean and I was staring at him. It was almost time for his shift to end. I needed to talk to him. If I had his number, I absolutely would have called him before today. The more time that passed, the more I was worried about why he had kissed me and run off. I had hoped he'd show up for ice cream on Monday, but he didn't even walk by the shop. And now he was ignoring me. Or maybe he was just focusing on doing his job. I was probably just reading into everything too much. After all, there was a two-day rule for a reason.
If Kristen hadn’t been able to find him on Facebook, I probably would have felt calmer. But she had found him. And his page was just like he was in person…surrounded by tons of random girls. It seemed like every picture of him had another beautiful girl with her arms wrapped around him. It made me wonder who he was spending time with on Sunday. And Monday. And this morning.
He stood up and blew his whistle, signaling for everyone to come in from the water. Instead of walking over to me, he pushed his lookout post to dryer sand.
So that was it? It felt like he had sucker punched me in the gut. Was he really just going to ignore me now? I looked out at the water. I had told him about how much it had hurt me that Aiden had done that to me. One kiss was different than two and a half years. But it stung. It was like he was ghosting me because he knew how much it would bother me. I wrapped my arms around my legs and put my chin on my knee. Why does it hurt this much?
"I've been thinking."
I looked up and saw my lifeguard standing next to my towel. Oh, thank God. I was just overthinking everything. He wasn’t ignoring me at all. He was just working. I smiled up at him. "I was beginning to think that you were never going to speak to me again."
He didn't laugh. He didn’t even give me one of his signature smiles. "Can I sit down?" he asked.
I nodded. He sat down on my towel beside me. The relief I felt a moment ago was gone. J.J. seemed…off. The distance between us on the towel was even more than between friends. The pain in my stomach came back in a rush.
"I'm sorry about the other night."
"I'm not." I wanted to reach out and grab his hand. Instead I balled mine into a fist.
He sighed. "We can't do this."
"This?" I swallowed hard.
"Us."
I had thought about nothing but us for the last two days. And I had come to the complete opposite conclusion. "I think that you're exactly what I need right now." He made me feel alive again. I didn't want to give him up. We were both here for two more months. Why was he doing this?
"I'm not what you need. You told me you wanted this summer to find yourself. So that's what you need to do." He scratched the back of his neck. "I think we should probably just be friends, Mila."
He didn't call me Jellyfish Girl. His flirtations were gone. It felt like he had slapped me.
"Okay." I kept my arms wrapped around my legs. It felt like I was sinking into the sand.
"Things are just too complicated right now. Maybe after you're done school..." his voice trailed off. He pushed his heels into the sand.
"J.J.! Come on!" shouted a girl across the beach.
I turned my head and looked at her. It wasn't his friend Abby. It was some other girl with bigger breasts. It felt like Aiden was breaking up with me all over again.
"Right. Of course," I said. "You don't have to say anything else. I totally get it. I'll see you later then." I tried to make my voice cheery. It sounded weird. And definitely fake. Probably because I wanted to punch him, not be his stupid friend.
"Mila.
" He put his hand on my knee.
Don't touch me. I glared at him.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. I just..."
"It's fine. Really. I completely understand." I didn't. We had so much fun on Saturday. Why was he doing this? “It wasn’t even a good kiss.” It was kind of true. Because in reality it was a great kiss. Describing it as good didn’t do it justice.
His hand fell from my knee. "Did you want to come to dinner with us?"
I looked over at the girl with big breasts and the rest of his friends. "I'm actually in the middle of a really good chapter." I picked up my book off the towel. It was the romance I had started and stopped. We didn’t have a chance to go to a bookstore the other day because of the rain. And I had no desire to pick this book up where I left off. Especially now. "But I'll catch you later, okay?" I opened up the book to a random spot and started reading. My eyes stung from my imminent tears. I tried to blink them away.
He sat there for a minute in silence. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to say something else. I kept my eyes locked on my book. Please go away. I wiped under my eyes as discreetly as possible. Was he trying to torture me? Humiliate me? Make me feel like shit? He’d accomplished all three in record time. He deserved an asshole medal.
"Okay," he finally said. He stood up. I heard him walk away but I didn't look up. I waited for as long as I could before dropping my book and putting my forehead down on my knees. I cried for a long time. Rejection had never felt worse. I was prepared to tell him that I didn't care if our relationship was short. I just wanted to see where the summer took us. I had let myself get excited about the idea of starting something new. Being home wasn't supposed to hurt like this. I was just starting to feel whole again.
***
I plopped the box of wine onto the kitchen counter. I had stood in the aisle at the liquor store for half an hour trying to figure out how many bottles it would take to get really freaking drunk. I’d decided it was more bottles than I could afford. Hence the box. I opened it up and filled my glass all the way to the top. And it didn’t take me long at all to get all the way to the bottom of the glass. I topped it off again.
I needed pizza. And not Grottos pizza, because that would remind me of J.J. and I didn’t want to be reminded of J.J. I started pulling ingredients out of the pantry. Also, I couldn’t really leave my apartment because I was two huge glasses in and there was no going back.
“Woah,” Kristen said from behind me. “Do you want to talk about whatever happened today?”
I slammed my fist back into the dough instead of kneading it the way I was supposed to. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Then why are you assaulting the dough?”
I laughed. And then I couldn’t stop laughing. “Assaulting the dough? You can’t assault an inanimate object.” Weirdo.
“I don’t know if that’s true…”
I picked up another wine glass, not caring that my hands were covered in flour, and filled it up all the way to the tippy top like mine.
Kristen accepted it without complaint. But she did grab the dish towel and wipe off my flour fingerprints. “So back to my earlier question…do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” If she could repeat herself, so could I. At least…I thought I was repeating myself. What had we been talking about again? I took another huge sip of wine as I started rummaging through the drawers in the kitchen. “Do we really not have a rolling pin? What kind of rental doesn’t have a rolling pin?”
“Probably most beach rentals. People usually come here to relax, not cook.”
“Well isn’t that nice for them.” I slammed the drawer closest to me shut.
“Seriously, what is up with you?”
“I’m officially on a new diet. So I’m a little grumpy. You’ll have to excuse me.”
“A diet where you consume only wine?” She pulled the glass out of my hand and set it on the counter.
“No, a dick diet. And there are no cheat days on dick diets.”
Kristen laughed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m giving up men. All of them. Not just the ones that act like dicks. I’m talking anyone who has a dick. Even women who have dicks…because that’s a thing now right? Dick diet. No dicks for me.”
“I’ve never heard the word dick so much in one rant.”
“Touché.”
“That isn’t really an appropriate use of touché. But I’ll forgive you. Because you’re on a new diet and you’re a little grumpy.”
“You get me.” I lifted my glass back up.
“I’m guessing things didn’t go well with J.J. today?”
“What gave it away?”
“There were a lot of signs. Do you want to talk about it or…”
“No.”
“Okay.” She nodded. “So what are we doing with this dough? And how can I help?”
I loved her for not forcing me to talk about today. I never wanted to think about today ever again. I just wanted to stick to my new diet and forget about ever dating again. Ever. “We’re making homemade pizza. And I need you to flatten out this dough somehow because we don’t have a rolling pin.”
“So...how should I do that exactly?”
I lifted up the dough and started stretching it between my hands. But every time I let it go, it shrunk back to its original size.
“You know what…I’m going to order us a backup pizza just in case.”
I tossed the dough back on the counter. “Good idea. This dough is cursed.” Just like me. “But not from Grottos. Grottos reminds me of J.J. and J.J. has a dick and I don’t want to ruin my new diet.”
She nodded like she understood what I was talking about, even though I wasn’t sure I understood it.
“I’m so sorry, Kristen, I’m going on and on about my diet and I didn’t even ask you how it’s going with the lifeguard you’re dating. How is that going?”
She opened her mouth and then closed it again. “We’re going to talk about that some other time. Tonight we’re just going to focus on you, okay?”
“That means it’s good. I’m so happy that you’re happy.” For some reason I started to cry.
“Mila.”
“And I can’t even make a pizza. I’ve made it so many times, and now I suddenly suck at it. Just like I suck at relationships.” I abandoned the dough and sat down in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Kristen sat down on the floor beside me. “I’m sorry you’re hurting. If it makes you feel better, my love life isn’t going any better than yours. The other day when I was looking up J.J. on Facebook I ended up searching for the guy I’ve been seeing too. Apparently he’s in a relationship. Which was news to me. I didn’t say anything because I was embarrassed. And I know you’ve been on the other side of that, and I didn’t want you to be mad at me. But I had no idea he was seeing someone. I feel like such an idiot.”
I rested my head on her shoulder. “So…maybe you should give that dick diet a try too.”
Kristen laughed. “Probably. But I’m liking this wine diet in the meantime.” She clinked her glass against mine.
“Touché.”
“You’re still using that word wrong.”
I laughed. “I know what it means. It’s just hard to use it when you’ve had all the wine.”
“Touché,” she said.
“Touché.”
Chapter 11
Wednesday
Advil and ice cream had done wonders for my hangover. Now I was just sober and miserable. There was still at least half a box of wine with my name on it waiting for me back at my apartment. As soon as my shift was done I had a date with me, myself, and I. The thought made time pass even slower.
Usually I could at least look forward to the possibility of my lifeguard showing up. But that was done. He had said he wanted to remain friends. I knew he was lying, though. Men and women were never just friends. We'd probably never even talk again. I couldn't believe I
had let myself get caught up in the idea of dating him. It was like I didn't know how to be alone. The way he had kissed me didn't make him easy to forget, though. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to forget. No one had ever kissed me like that before. Just thinking about it made me feel overheated. Or maybe it was just the fact that it was always a thousand degrees in the ice cream shop.
"I don't like seeing you cry."
Hearing his voice made me smile. I immediately pressed my lips together, forcing the smile to disappear. What was he doing here? I took a deep breath, tossed my washcloth into the bucket of water, and turned around. My lifeguard was leaning on the counter. I thought I might have imagined his voice, but he was definitely there. It was so good to see him. I mean bad. It was bad to see him.
“I’m not crying.” I was happy my voice sounded sassy instead of sad. Apparently my new diet gave me quite the attitude. At least on the outside, because on the inside I was dying.
“I meant at the beach yesterday.”
Oh. My sudden weird confidence was pulverized. "You saw that?" I had tried so hard to hide it.
"Yeah. And I'm sorry that I did that to you."
"I wasn't crying because of you, J.J. It had nothing to do with our conversation. I had just gotten some bad news earlier is all." I looked away from him.
He didn't say anything. But his silence made it seem like he didn't believe me. What did it matter if he knew I was crying over him. He already thought I was a mess. He didn't want to date me. He didn't want to be my friend. Why was I always so worried about what people thought of me?
"It's okay," I said quietly. "Don't worry about it. Really." It wasn’t like he was the first person to give me the boot.
"It's not okay. I acted like a complete dick.”
What an appropriate word choice.
“I approached that whole conversation wrong. What I should have said is that I like you. I've missed you the past few days. When I wake up, you're the person I want to hang out with. If I'm being honest, I used to look forward to seeing you on the beach on Tuesdays and Thursdays even before we met. I don't care if that makes me a stalker." He flashed me a smile.
