Heart and Soul

by Erica Penrod

  14

  Everything looked the same. The sun perched high in the sky and the billowing clouds floated like puffs of cotton in the gentle air. Green grass and alfalfa blanketed the ground, but I was different. Last time I’d been here, I felt at peace, like love was part of the very air I breathed. And when I’d seen Landon, I’d let myself feel what I’d only imagined could exist between two people: one rhythm in two hearts that wanted to beat side by side for eternity. But now, I’d hurt too much. I knew what happened when I opened my eyes, and I couldn’t forget.

  My throat tightened as I thought about this place of possibility, knowing I couldn’t be swept away like I was before. And still, my mouth watered at the chance to see Landon again. My Landon, the one who wanted me, loved me, and craved me like I did him. My life hadn’t the same since I’d come here, and even though I knew I’d never have this in the daylight, I wanted to see him again, to know that he still wanted me, even if his feelings for me existed only in a dream.

  I raised my hand to shade my eyes and glanced around, but I saw no one. A soft breeze tickled my ear and tossed my hair into my face. A voice whispered in my ear, “He’s here.” Her voice, Laney’s voice. I spun around and saw nothing but green and blue for as far as I could see. “Find him.” The voice echoed again, and I turned in the other direction. My heart lunged, propelling me forward, and my feet moved through the foliage. Confused by the force, I glanced down at the ground.

  When I looked up, I saw him.

  Landon stood in the distance with his back to me. His blond hair glistened in the sunlight, and a warmth I hadn’t felt since I was here last came over me. A smile played across my lips and I wanted to run. In that moment, he spun around and froze when he saw me. I planted my feet in the ground and stopped. His dark eyes sparkled like they were made of black diamonds, and his mouth curved into a smile. He took off towards me and I wanted to meet him, wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and feel his body against mine. But I couldn’t.

  This was no longer a dream come true, but a nightmare I would wake up to in the morning. And this just wasn’t about me and Landon. There was Gracie to consider. Sadness held me in its vise. I couldn’t breathe, tortured by the idea that I couldn’t have the boy who now stood in front of me.

  “You’re here.” Landon reached out and touched my face. I shivered as his flesh on mine sent a rush through my body. I pulled away. “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t do this. I have to wake up.” Moisture filled my eyes and threatened to spill over.

  Landon shook his head. “No, you don’t. We’ll be okay.” He ran his hands up and down my arms.

  Every cell inside of me responded to his fingers and yearned to be close to him. “I can’t.” I fought back with everything I had. “I know how this ends.”

  “Halle, please don’t do this.”

  Tears slid down my cheeks. “If I don’t love you here, maybe I won’t love you tomorrow.”

  “That won’t work,” Laney’s voice called from behind me.

  I watched Landon’s eyes widen in disbelief and his skin fade into a ghostly white. His body relaxed at once, like his knees had buckled. I reached out and steadied him. “It’s okay. Your sister’s here.”

  “Laney?” He moved beside me. “Is that you?”

  She laughed, and an infectious sound danced in the air above us. Landon scooped her up and spun her around. Laney held out her arms like she was soaring as her squeals of delight sprinkled over us like sugar-coated fairy dust.

  Happiness filled my soul once again, watching their reunion. My tears were no longer laden with sorrow, but with pure joy at the vision before me. I backed up, not wanting to intrude, and I knew I had to get away. Landon would be okay, here in this world, now that Laney was here, and tomorrow he’d be okay too—he had Gracie.

  With silent footsteps, I retreated, and even though I was still delighted for them, I knew this was no longer my heaven.

  “Halle, wait—” Landon’s voice echoed in my ears, but I tuned him out and focused on the sobbing wails of my broken heart.

  I woke up to my heart thumping against my chest and my pillow soaked with tears. This was my reality, and in my world, there was no Landon. Only Gracie’s Landon.

  Landon

  I shot out of bed. Sweat clung to my forehead, and my heart raced. My erratic breathing left me light-headed and I concentrated on slowly moving the air in and out. As I tried to calm down, I let the dream wash over me again, and in its wake, I discovered I’d found Laney … and yet I’d lost something just as precious. I’d lost Halle.

  15

  Landon

  I replayed the dream over and over in my mind, and by morning, one thing was clear; Halle had seen Laney before. She wasn’t surprised to hear my sister’s voice. That led me to believe that she’d seen her in the past. And why would my dream version of Halle have seen Laney when I hadn’t? Was there more to the dreams than I imagined?

  Every memory of Halle I had resonated through my mind, from the first day of school when I saw her in the hallway, to the day she came to my house and picked up the picture of Laney. And then it hit me. I remembered the shocked look on Halle’s face when she’d seen the photo of Laney and I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe Halle had dreamt of her. If she had, maybe she had dreamt of me too.

  A wave of excitement and paranoia rolled through my system. I had to see Halle and demand an answer, but as the sun got brighter and reality set in, I lost my nerve. If I was wrong, the Halle I knew, who wasn’t especially fond of me, might think I’d lost my mind if I showed up and told her I’d dreamt of her. And everything might be much worse.

  I lay back down and closed my eyes. This was a mess, and I didn’t know what I should do about Halle. Maybe nothing at all.

  Get up and go after her. Laney’s voice echoed through my mind.

  I glanced around my room—nothing.

  I mean it. Get moving.

  I grinned. Go figure: even now, my sister was bossy. Just because she was born a whole two minutes before I was, she thought she had the right to tell me what to do. “I’m going, I’m going.”

  After a quick shower, I dressed and was ready to find Halle. I’d confess everything, no matter what she thought. The idea of my sister bullying me from the other side would push me to do about anything, and I knew where my first stop would be.

  Halle wasn’t home. Abbie said she’d gone to the barn to go for a ride, so I headed back down the road I came and took the other fork towards the ranch. Her truck was parked beside her grandpa’s, but there was no sign of anyone. I got out, still unsure about my plan, but I moved ahead and caught a glimpse of Fancy tied to the hitching post with a blanket on her back. Halle came walking out of the tack shed, a saddle loaded in her arms. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail and she had on a light blue T-shirt that brought out the color of her eyes. One look at her and I chickened out.

  “Hi.” I waved, and she flinched. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “Oh, hey.” She furrowed her brow. “What are you doing here? We didn’t schedule a lesson, did we?”

  “No.”

  “Oh, good. I thought I was losing it for a second.”

  No, you’re not, but I am. I came to tell you that you’re in my dreams and I want to know if you had nighttime hallucinations of me as well.

  “So, what are you doing?” She threw the saddle over the horse’s back and adjusted the seat.

  “Um …” I didn’t know what to say. “I thought I might ride today. You know, get some extra practice in.” I glanced down at the ground, grateful I’d put on my boots and jeans.

  “Well, okay. I was just headed out towards the foothills. You can come with me if you want.”

  “Sure.”

  “Go grab Tiny and I’ll warm Fancy up in the arena while I wait for you.”

  I nodded and walked into the tack shed for a halter. Out of sight, I exhaled and put my hands on my knees as I drew in a breath. A huge
part of me, the majority vote, knew I had to talk to Halle about the dreams or else I wouldn’t be able to move on from them, but the minority shouted out how that was a terrible idea. I wanted to agree with the lesser count, because I wanted Halle to like me and telling her might set me back even further.

  Tiny cooperated like he always did and was patient as I bobbled a couple of the steps, and ten minutes later I met Halle in the arena.

  “Ready?” She rode up quickly, stopped the horse, and backed up.

  “Yeah.” I adjusted my reins and straightened up in the saddle. “I’ll follow you.”

  She came up beside me and we left the arena. We went towards the east, where the fields would eventually meet up with the mountains. The steady gait of the horses and the beautiful day helped me calm down. We took the worn path at the edge of the green alfalfa and had to go single file along the fence line and up to the foothills. Halle led the way and I rode behind her, checking back on the reins every now and then since Tiny’s stride was longer than Fancy’s. Halle didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I decided to wait and see if somewhere along the way I’d want to bring up dreams. If things didn’t feel right, I’d wait.

  The flat surface eased into a slope as we neared the bottom of the hills. Pine trees dotted the hill and gradually thickened as the terrain steepened, and I was relieved to see the trail skirted around the base of the mountain and not up.

  “Me and Grandpa come riding up here all the time,” Halle said over her shoulder. “I love it here.”

  “I can see why.” I surveyed the land around us: the quilt of green alfalfa in one direction and the mountains rising up like a high tide.

  “My dad used to come with us, but the last couple years he’s been so busy with work, he hasn’t had time.”

  “That sucks.”

  I saw her nod, and we continued in silence until we came to a small clearing. Halle stopped and got off her horse. “Let’s rest here for a second.”

  “Okay.” I climbed down and immediately felt the familiar discomfort of being saddle sore. The horses put their heads down and nibbled on the grass to the side of the trail. There was a fallen log that made a great sitting place beneath a cluster of trees. Halle sat down and held a rein in her hand while Fancy grazed. I followed her example and sat beside her.

  “This is really cool up here.” I smiled, very aware of her body close to mine. Her scent drifted in the air, the same vanilla aroma that haunted me in my dreams. I turned my face and tried to clear my head. I couldn’t think straight this close to her.

  “How’s your mom doing?” Halle picked a piece of loose bark.

  I cleared my throat. “Okay, I guess.”

  “That’s good. I can’t imagine what losing a child does to a parent.”

  My body stiffened as if all the pain of losing Laney was like ice in my veins. “It’s not good.”

  “Laney was beautiful.” Halle’s voice was soft and reverent. “She looked nothing like you.”

  My head snapped back, and I saw the smile tug on the corners of her lips. My shoulders relaxed, and I grinned. “Hey, that wasn’t nice.”

  “I think your ego can handle it.” Halle glanced at me with a smirk on her face. But she looked away when my eyes met hers. I knew she was joking, at least partly joking, but I still got mad. This was what I couldn’t handle about Halle. I couldn’t control my emotions around her. I didn’t want to be ticked off over her comment, but I was.

  “That day at my house—” I changed the subject. “—when you saw Laney’s picture. Why were you so upset?”

  Halle winced, and I saw the air leave her lungs. She swallowed. “I just felt really bad.”

  “Why? You didn’t even remember her, right? So what was the big deal?”

  She turned to me, her eyes narrowed. “Don’t be such a jerk,” she seethed. “I felt really bad for your family, alright?” Halle looked away, her face still covered in disgust.

  “Or was it because you’ve seen her somewhere else?” Her eyes widened, and I knew what I’d suspected was true. “Did you have a dream about her?”

  Halle sat perfectly still, and the only sound was the steady grind of the horse’s teeth. I waited and watched until she closed her eyes and whispered, “Yes, I dreamt of her.”

  My heart about burst through my chest. If Halle had been there, I wanted to know if she remembered the parts about me, because if she did, I needed to know if she felt what I did and if those feelings had followed her to this world. “What about me?” My voice hitched. “Did you dream of me?”

  Halle looked at me, her eyes an incredulous blue. She took a deep breath while she studied my face.

  I wasn’t sure whether she’d answer me or not. “Because I dreamt of you.”

  Her mouth softened and the shock in her eyes melted into something less alarming. “You did?” The words were quiet and bursting with questions at the same time. “You remember?” She bit the corner of her lip.

  I nodded, and the connection I felt for the first time I held her in my arms lured me to her. I reached out and touched her hand. “I remember everything.”

  Color filled her face and a light shone in her eyes. “But I don’t get it. Why?”

  “Because I needed you.”

  “You don’t know me, and you don’t need me.”

  I stroked her hand with my thumb. “I hadn’t felt anything but pain and regret until you came into my life.” Her body slumped, and I knew she wanted to give in to me. “I think Laney knew that.”

  Halle got up and gathered the other rein in her hand. “It doesn’t matter. They were just stupid dreams. That’s not how things are here.”

  “You don’t feel that way about me?” I stood up next to her.

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel. What matters is that my best friend cares about you and I would never do anything to hurt her.” She tossed the reins over the horse’s neck and jumped into the saddle.

  “Halle, that’s not how it is, and besides, I—”

  “I assume you can find your way back.” She kissed to the horse and was gone before I got to explain. Before I got to tell her that she was the only one for me.

  16

  Halle

  The front door closed behind me and I hustled to my room.

  “Halle, is that you?” Mom was in the kitchen. They must’ve just got home from church, and I now I wished I hadn’t skipped out on the service to spend some quality time with Fancy.

  “Yeah.” I hoped she didn’t hear the sadness in my voice. “I’m in my room.”

  “Okay.”

  I closed the door, lay down on the bed, and covered my face with my hands as a sob escaped my mouth. In the cab of my truck, I’d cried until I thought there was nothing left, but I was wrong.

  Someone knocked on my door and I wiped my eyes, knowing I wouldn’t be hiding anything. I should’ve known my mom’s radar would detect my tears.

  “Halle, can I come in?” My mom’s voice was like a Band-Aid, and I immediately felt a little better.

  “Yes.”

  “What’s going on?” she asked before she stepped into my room. One look at my red, blotchy face and she was by my side in half a heartbeat. “Did something happen? Is that why you didn’t want to go to church today?” She pulled me close to her chest.

  I nodded, which was barely detectable beneath her embrace.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” She stroked my face and brushed the hair from my eyes.

  I pulled back and looked into her eyes, which have always been a safe harbor for me. “I don’t want to. You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

  To my surprise, she laughed. “Try me. I’ve experienced my share of crazy.”

  “I don’t know where to start.” I sniffed, and she handed me a tissue from her pocket.

  “Thought you might need one of these, so I grabbed some on my way in.”

  “Thanks.” I wiped my nose. “Remember that dream I told you about, the one with Laney?”


  Mom’s face paled. “Yeah?”

  “I didn’t tell you everything. I saw Laney in the dream, but I also saw Landon.”

  “Okay.” Her eyes probed mine.

  “I’d only seen Landon once in the hallway at school earlier that day, I hadn’t even talked to him, but that night I dreamt of him, and Mom …” I drew in a breath. “It wasn’t like any other dream I’ve ever had.”

  Deep lines made crevices in her forehead. “What do you mean?”

  “The feelings were so intense, I haven’t been the same since.”

  “Your feelings?”

  “Yeah. It was like when I saw Landon, I already knew him, and I guess in some way, I already loved him.” I shook my head. “But that’s not possible, right?” I wasn’t sure what my mom’s reaction would be to her only daughter confessing she was in love with someone. She’d probably start with the “you’re too young” speech and “you don’t know what love is …”

  Mom looked at the floor and blew out a long breath. “Actually, baby, it is.”

  “What?” This was the last thing I expected.

  “The same thing happened to me and your dad.”

  “You never told me that.” I studied her face.

  She touched my cheek. “I know, but it’s not something you tell a little girl, and in some ways the experience is almost sacred to us. I planned on telling you, but when you were old enough to understand.” Mom rubbed her temples. “I just never imagined this was how it would happen.”

  “So, are you saying that Landon and I are supposed to be together like you and Dad?” I couldn’t believe I was thinking about this now. I was only a senior in high school. And if I was meant to love Landon, then what about Gracie?

  “I’m not saying that.” She smiled softly. “What I am saying is that yes, it’s possible for you to love Landon like you described. The dreams are powerful, and there’s usually a purpose for them.”