by Kaye Kennedy
It'd been one hell of a day. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I could've burned Mack alive had I not thought to call off the engine in the alley, but then my mind went to the knowledge that I'd sent my friend and my brother into one of the most dangerous situations I'd ever had to make a call on...no, wait, it was definitely the most dangerous call I'd ever had to make as a lieutenant. And then there was—
My doorbell rang. Who the fuck is bothering me? I ignored it.
It rang again. "Goddammit." I got to my feet and opened the door. "What the—"
Allie smiled up at me. "I know we canceled, but you seemed down, so I brought you dinner and thought I'd try and cheer you up."
I ran a hand over my cropped hair. "I'm not really in the mood."
She put a hand on her hip. "I know, Mr. Grouch, that's why I'm here." Stepping around me, she let herself in. Back in the day, she'd call me that whenever I'd gotten in one of my moods, but I wasn't a kid anymore, and I wasn't upset over a stupid hockey game or failed test.
After shutting the door, I found her in the kitchen, unpacking Chinese food containers.
"Allie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I just want to wallow in my misery."
"Go sit. I'll bring dinner in for you."
"I'm not hungry."
She let go of the noodles she'd been spooning onto a plate and turned to face me. "All right, let's talk then."
"Don't wanna talk either."
She crossed the room, grabbed my hand, and led me out to the couch. "Sit."
I did with a sigh.
Allie sat beside me. "What has you so down?"
"Allie—"
"What happened at work?"
"You're a persistent pain in the ass."
She smirked. "I'm one that cares. Spill."
"We're not kids anymore, Al," I warned."
"I know that, but I used to be really good at making you feel better, so what harm can be done in trying?"
I shook my head. "That was then."
"And I'm here now." Each time she pushed, my frustration built.
"I didn't ask you to be."
"That's the thing with our friendship, Kyle. You never have to ask."
I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Talk to me."
"No."
"Fine. Wallow away. I'm just going to sit here and—"
My limit was hit and I shouted, "Stop."
She flinched.
"Just fucking stop."
She responded in a soft tone, "Kyle, I—"
"I know what you're trying to do, but fuck, Allie, you lost that damn right when you turned your back on me. You're not my best friend anymore. You can't just barge in and try to fix me like you used to. It no longer works that way."
Her mouth hung open.
All of my anger from the day was suddenly on a fast track in her direction. Recalling the conversation I'd had with Mack earlier, something clicked. He wanted to go back to his ex-wife, even though she’d betrayed him, simply because of the shit they'd gone through together and the years they'd shared...
What would stop Allie from having those same feelings and leaving me? Again. My heart wouldn't survive that.
I lashed out. "I'm not going to open up and bare my soul like I did when we were kids just for you to turn-tail and disappear on me again."
Her head drooped. "Okay. I deserved that."
38
Allie
In the past, the things Kyle would sometimes say when he was in one of his moods usually rolled right off my shoulders because there’d been no truth to them. But this time was different. This time, the things he said were warranted.
I sighed. "I realize my track record is shitty, and you have every right to feel this way, but I promise you I'm not going anywhere. I've learned from my mistakes and I won't do that to you again. I promise."
He sneered. "Words, Allie. Just words."
"What do you want me to do then?"
"I don't know if there's anything you can do."
"There must be something—"
"And I don't know if I want you to." He got up and paced. "Do you have any idea what my life's been like since you left? Miserable. Fucking miserable, Allie. I loved you with everything I had and you shit on that like I'd never meant a damn thing to you."
"I loved you—"
"Don't! Don't say it. I've tried to move on. Trust me, pining over you for decades wasn't something I'd had any control over. I've dated. I've done my best to try to fucking forget you, but you left this goddamn gaping hole in my heart and no matter what I did, or who I tried to be with, nothing filled it." He grimaced and I felt his pain in my chest.
Heavy breaths made his shoulders rise. "And now that you're here and I can have you, I want to jump at the chance, but that doesn't change the fact that you wrecked me, Allie. No, you fucking destroyed me, and I don't know if I can trust you again."
And there it was. My biggest fear.
He rubbed his jaw. "You should go."
I didn't have the will to argue, so I got up from the couch, retrieved my purse and went to the door. With my hand on the knob, I exhaled and said, "I'm sorry." I went out to my car, and drove away.
The trip home was agonizing. I knew it had been too easy that night I'd told Kyle the truth about why I'd vanished. Everything he'd just said to me was what I'd feared and when we'd gotten through that initial conversation without any of that, I'd been so relieved. But I'd had a false sense of security.
The worst part was, I couldn't blame him for any of the things he'd said because they were valid feelings and I'd brought that wrath upon myself. I knew full well how Kyle could get when he was in a mood and I should've seen that coming. Of course we couldn't just go back to things as they were, despite how easy that had felt those past few weeks, because I'd ruined that. I'd destroyed his trust and it was my responsibility to earn it back.
And there was no guarantee that I would.
But I would try.
When I got home, I changed into my bathrobe as I ran the water in the tub. Soaking in the bath was one of the only soothing techniques my therapist had suggested that actually worked. I lit some candles, scattered my lavender scented bath salts, and ditched my robe before stepping into the hot water. At first, it stung my cold skin, but once I was fully submerged, it felt fantastic.
After my miscarriages, I'd spent a lot of time in the bath tub. For some reason it made me feel secure in a time where I was anything but. I'd mentioned that to my therapist and she went off on how taking a bath could trigger memories of being in the womb. After that, I'd stopped taking baths because all I could picture were my babies—all four of them—in my womb that wouldn't keep them safe. It wasn't until I'd moved to New York that I'd been able to take baths again.
I breathed in the steam and tried to let the tension from my conflict with Kyle melt away. Despite how much I wanted to patch things up with him, I knew it wouldn't happen that night. He'd have to cool off first before we could have another conversation. I closed my eyes and pictured what my life could've been like had I made one decision differently when I was eighteen. This was something I'd done often over the years. If, after leaving the hospital, I'd called Kyle instead of choosing to alienate myself from him, maybe he and I would be married. In a perfect world, we would've had kids and we both would've been spared a lot of heartache.
The distinctive buzz of the front door disturbed my fantasy. The list of people it could be was two. One: a lost drunk person. Two: Kyle. I hastened to dry myself off and slip into my robe, then I sprinted to the door and hit the intercom button. "Who is it?"
"Me."
I buzzed him in. When I heard his footprints on the steps, I opened my door. The sullen expression on his face said it all. He held up the bag of Chinese food and said, "Hungry?"
I stepped aside, letting him in, then shut the door.
He placed the bag down on the coffee table and looked at me.
"I'm sorry. I was a complete dick and you didn't deserve any of that."
I shook my head. "Yes, I did. Honestly, you’d let me off the hook too easily, so I'm glad you finally got all that off your chest."
"No, I've just had a shit day and I turned that on you. It wasn't fair of me and I'm sorry."
I sat on the couch and patted the spot next to me. He crossed the room and took it.
Crossing my legs, I said. "Okay, so maybe you didn't have to yell, but I’m glad you told me how you feel because now we can deal with it."
He leaned back and rested his head. "I've missed you, Al. All these years I've felt like a fool for holding on, but you're as much a part of me as I am myself. Having you back..." He trailed off and sighed. "It's all I've ever wanted. Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, which I realize sounds asinine in comparison to your struggles, but it's the truth and the thought of opening myself back up to being hurt like that again...hell."
I placed my hand on his thigh. "You're not a fool and that's not asinine because honestly, Kyle, I've been miserable without you, too." I rubbed my lips together. "All I can offer is that I’ve spent years in therapy dissecting this. Subconsciously, I cut you out to punish myself, but in doing so, I had also punished you and that was the very last thing I wanted. Hurting you was never my plan; it was a side effect of what I was doing to hurt myself." I sighed. "Saying sorry will never be strong enough, and you were right—I need to prove it through my actions. If you let me, I'm willing to try and do that."
His crystal eyes held a glimmer of hope.
"I'm done running from us, Kyle."
He brought his hand up to my cheek. "I want us back."
I gave him a half-smile. "Me, too."
Leaning forward, he whispered, "I love you, Allie. I've loved you since I was fourteen and I know this is going to take some work, but I want to try. You're worth the risk."
I released a breath. "I think I've loved you that long, too, but I didn't know what those feelings meant back then. I'm not a scared kid anymore though." I pierced his eyes with my gaze. "I know exactly how I feel now—exactly what I want. You. It's always been you."
"I'm yours." He claimed my lips and proved it.
My fingers gripped the t-shirt covering his chest, bunching it up as I pulled him closer. His tongue probed my mouth and I met him halfway, tasting the spearmint flavored candy he must've had. The minty sensation made my lips tingle and I wanted more. The hint of stubble on his chin rubbed against me—a reminder of the rugged man he’d become.
His hands skated along my neck, holding me in place so he could direct our kiss. It had come as no surprise that Kyle liked to be in control; he'd been that way with every aspect of his life and I wondered how that would translate to the bedroom. Surely, as adults, sex would be very different than that one and only time we'd done it that fateful night. While it'd been about a month since we'd rekindled out relationship, we still hadn't ventured into the bedroom. We'd been spending more time focusing on rebuilding our friendship, but the way he was kissing just then told me that was about to change.
My hands found the hem of his shirt and dove underneath, relishing in the ripple of his abs that told of many hours in the gym. I had a feeling I was about to reap the benefits of his hard work. When my hands made it to his pecs, he pulled away just long enough to remove his shirt, then he went back to devouring my mouth.
He wrapped his arms around me and tugged me forward, guiding my legs so that I was straddling him. The only thing separating me from his hardening bulge was his sweatpants and I lowered myself to feel more. Kyle's hands slipped under my robe, nudging it off my shoulders. His calloused hands were rough against the smoothness of my chest. He gripped my hips and rocked them, making me feel how hard he was for me and I moaned at the sensation. With one hand, he loosened the belt, letting my robe fall open before cupping one of my breasts and grazing over the nipple with his thumb.
Pulling his mouth from mine, he nibbled along my collar bone while I fondled his biceps. His tongue trailed from the dip in my throat down the valley between my peaks and I leaned into him. He gripped my breasts, pushing them together, burying his face in between while he tweaked my nipples, sending a jolt to my core.
His mouth closed over one nipple, his tongue flicking at it. I tossed my head back, moaning appreciatively, and he repeated it with my other breast.
Without warning, he stood and I hooked my ankles behind his back, but protested, "I'm too heavy." I certainly wasn't the hundred-and-ten-pound cheerleader I'd once been. Sixteen years had added forty pounds.
He lurched his head back and pinned my eyes with his hard stare. "Not even close. You're perfect."
I bit my lip, wanting to believe him, but I didn't, then Kyle tugged it from my teeth with his thumb and said, "Don't you dare." He'd always had an uncanny ability to read my mind. "You're beautiful, Allie."
A tinge of discomfort shot up my spine. It'd been a long time since someone had called me beautiful. Toward the end of my marriage, the resentment my husband had felt for me had eliminated all elements of attraction and appreciation he'd once had.
Kyle cocked his head. "You really don't believe me do you?"
I blinked.
"I'm going to prove it to you. I'm going to make you feel beautiful again."
He carried me to the bedroom and took care as he placed me on the bed. I wiggled free of my robe as he removed his pants. Standing before me, a perfect specimen of a man, he gripped his impressive length and stroked it. "See this?" he asked. "You did this. It's all for you."
My lips parted as my breathing quickened and he shoved apart my legs, kneeling between them. He bent forward, hovering over me, and grasped my wrists, pinning them above my head with one hand, then stared me dead in the eyes and said. "I'm gonna worship you, Allie." He reached over and turned on the lamp on my nightstand, lighting up the room in a faint white glow.
Instinctively, I tried to free my arms to cover myself up. "No," I protested.
"Yes," he growled. "I want to see you. Watch you come apart for me." He took his time kissing down my body, paying attention to every dip and every ridge, only releasing my wrists when he could no longer reach them. "Keep your hands there. Don't even think about hiding yourself from me," he ordered, as he kissed the pooch on my abdomen.
I sucked it in and he got to his knees. His hands roamed over my stomach and my breathing grew erratic. "My beautiful, Allie," he muttered. Somehow, his fingertips found one of the faint scars that my surgery had left behind. He pressed a finger over it, the focus in his eyes telling me that he knew the significance, while his other hand sought out another scar.
I squeezed my eyes shut and covered them with my forearm, unable to bear watching the recognition hit him, and willed myself not to cry.
He sighed. "Beautiful."
His hands migrated to my hips allowing me to breathe a little easier, then he scooted down so he was flat between my legs.
"Look at me, Allie."
Reluctantly, I removed my arm from my eyes and gazed down.
He stared up at me and said, "Watch me worship you." Then his tongue connected with my swollen bud and my breath hitched.
Kyle lapped at the sensitive spot, making my core tighten. "Even sweeter than I remember," he purred.
I slammed my eyes shut again as he ravished me with his mouth. Abruptly, he stopped and gritted, "I said watch," he demanded in a low, husky voice that I felt in my core.
I opened my eyes and watched him bring me to the brink. Right before I fell, he eased a finger inside me and that was my undoing. My hips bucked and I cried out as wave after wave of pleasure overtook me. It'd been nearly a decade since I'd enjoyed sex and that orgasm was my unleashing.
Fuck, I need this. I need him.
He got to his knees and fisted himself, rubbing his tip over my slit, getting it slick with my cum. "You're mine, too, Allie."
I licked my lips.
He fixed his eyes on me
, "Say it."
"I'm yours."
He exhaled a shaky breath. "Do I need a condom?"
I shook my head trying not to let the pain of knowing I couldn't get pregnant naturally ruin the moment.
He positioned the head at my opening. "It's been too damn long."
"Yes," I breathed.
He pressed and I gave, opening for him to penetrate me. The full sensation set my skin on fire as he gripped my hips and seated himself all the way inside.
"Oh, fuck," I murmured.
He released my hips, and bent forward so his face was just above mine. Those glistening blue spheres of his penetrated deep into my soul. "You," he whispered before leaning his forehead on mine. "It's always been you,” he echoed my words from before, then added, "It will always be you." And then he set forth to prove it.
39
Kyle
It'd been a few weeks since Allie had officially become my girlfriend. Well, in my mind at least. We never actually had that conversation, but that first night we'd had sex, we’d promised ourselves to each other and that had been good enough for me.
I'd gotten into the city early that day in the beginning of November, because there was something I had to do before work. I hit the doorbell at Frank's Jewelry and Watches and waited for it to buzz before I could enter. I’d passed that place every time I went to work, but the other day had been the first time I'd really looked at it. The sign in the window had caught my attention: Give her a diamond that’s as strong as your love for her. That was all it took.
An older gentleman with balding gray hair and narrow glasses greeted me. "What brings you in today, sir?"
