Impractical Magic

by M. J. O'Shea

  “It’s a deal. I’m gonna hang up so you can call him, ’kay?”

  “Yeah, before he goes to sleep. He’s such a grandma sometimes. Seriously, though. We’re gonna have a long talk over Thanksgiving. I want details and this isn’t something to do over the phone.”

  “Okay.”

  FEN HUNG up the phone and took a deep breath. One down, one to go. He figured he’d get it over with all at once so he just hit the call button on his cell and went for it.

  “Hey, Jeremy….”

  KEVIN ALWAYS looked so pretty in the morning, when he was soft and asleep and looked younger than Fen wanted to think about. The sheets were slung low on his hips, leaving expanses of pretty caramel skin, curves of muscle, and tempting soft flesh. Fen knew he didn’t have much longer to touch Kevin and he wanted to do it while he still could, as much as possible and as often as possible. He hated thinking like that, that every day was a countdown to when it ended, but it was hard not to. It was the truth after all. They didn’t have much time left.

  Fen reached out and trailed a finger down Kevin’s spine. Kevin squirmed and mumbled nonsense into his pillow.

  “That tickles,” he said, turning his head to peek one eye open at Fen.

  “Sorry.” Fen didn’t stop, though, he kept at it, light touches, the pads of his fingers memorizing the texture of Kevin’s skin, the thousands of tiny translucent hairs, the bumps in his spine. He closed his eyes and tried not to think of the day they’d be gone.

  “Why are you awake?” Kevin lifted the light blanket and made room under his arm. “Come back to sleep.”

  “I’m just awake. I don’t know.” Fen cuddled under Kevin’s arm and smiled at the little grunt of contentment Kevin made when he got Fen into his favorite position.

  “Close your eyes. You’ll fall asleep again.” He kissed the back of Fen’s neck sleepily and tightened his grip.

  Fen closed his eyes, but he couldn’t sleep. He let his mind wander, thought about how much he’d changed in so little time. Not because Kevin was a man. That was part of it—Fen wasn’t going to act like that meant nothing at all. It was mostly because he’d been with Kevin more than he’d been with anyone who wasn’t just a friend. Because he actually wanted them to be something in the future. Because Kevin meant more to him than anyone he’d ever had in his bed. While it scared him, he could admit to all those reasons. He ran his fingers down Kevin’s arm where it was locked around his midsection, brushed their fingers together, played with the pad of Kevin’s thumb.

  “You’re still awake. Stop it.”

  Fen smiled. “Yeah, I am. I can’t stop thinking.”

  “’Bout what?”

  “Just stuff.” Fen shrugged. “You know, Ben’s annoyed that he never got to meet you and everyone else did.”

  He felt Kevin chuckle behind him. “Ben likes to be in the middle of everything, doesn’t he?”

  “Kinda.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him too. He seems like a great guy. You all love him enough for sure.”

  Fen smiled. “Yeah. We do.”

  “It was almost like he was there, even if he’s not. You talk about him so much he might as well have been here all along.”

  “It’s a habit. He’d like that too. You know, he was jealous of you before he found out that I wasn’t replacing him with you.”

  “He’s cool now that he knows it’s a sex thing and I’m not after his best bro position?”

  Fen snorted. “Yeah. He’s dealing much better.”

  Kevin bit lightly at his neck. “You know, if you weren’t so convincing when you said otherwise, I’d think you were a bit in love with him. Jeremy too. We all know Rory is.”

  “Good thing I’m convincing, then. I can’t even imagine being like this with Ben. I already told you it gives me the sibling heaves.” He shuddered involuntarily. No. Just, no.

  “Glad to hear it.”

  Fen smiled, but his smile faded. It felt good to have Kevin get jealous and possessive, which in itself was odd for him because he usually hated that. Even if Kevin did want Fen to himself, he was still leaving. Every thought Fen had came down to that: Kevin was leaving.

  “I’m gonna miss this,” Kevin murmured. “It’ll feel weird to go back to sleeping in my own bed.”

  Ugh. “Me too. This bed will seem awfully big and cold without my own personal human heater.”

  “Let’s just….” Fen knew where Kevin was going. Let’s not talk about it. Best not to talk about it.

  “Yeah, go back to sleep. I think I’m getting sleepy again.”

  Fen cuddled into Kevin’s arms and closed his eyes.

  SIX MORE days….

  Six days until Kevin left. It was hard not to keep a running countdown in his head. Six days until Kevin left, fifteen days until he was back at school like nothing had changed, like his whole heart hadn’t been flipped inside out over the summer.

  He was making dinner, just chicken parm and a Caesar salad for them, and he realized how much of a habit it had gotten to be. It wasn’t something he even thought about anymore. He bought two chicken breasts and Kevin’s favorite beer at the store, vanilla cake mix instead of chocolate, and orange juice without pulp. Kevin always brought his favorite wine and went out on his days off to get Fen coffee and a muffin from the coffee hut down the street. They had patterns. Little traditions. They’d integrated into each other’s routines so much, it would be hard to separate. In six days. Fen tried to shake it off.

  Kevin had it easier, he thought. It wasn’t fair. Kevin could just drive home, be back in his usual place doing the things he’d always done, and there wouldn’t be any reminders of Fen in his space. For Fen, Kevin would be everywhere.

  He flipped the chicken, poured some white wine, and got the salad dressing ready. Kevin would be through the door any minute. Some sixth sense Fen had developed over the summer told him Kevin wasn’t far. And then he was there, bustling in the door with his bag from work and a huge smile.

  “Honey, I’m home,” Kevin called. He tossed his keys on the front table and draped his jacket over the back of the couch like he’d done for weeks. Fen’s stomach clenched.

  “Hey, there. Dinner’s almost ready. You want to take a quick shower or are you okay?”

  “Mmm, smells great.” Kevin wrapped Fen up in his arms and nuzzled his face into Fen’s neck. “You smell good too. Didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.”

  “No shower?”

  “Nah, I’ll wait till you can get in with me after dinner.”

  Fen gulped down his weird melancholy, smiled, and patted Kevin on the butt. “Go sit. I’ll be out in a second.”

  As usual Kevin didn’t listen. He crowded into the kitchen, tasting dressing, grabbing plates, totally comfortable in Fen’s space. Like he’d always been there and always would be.

  “Hey, you big oaf. Get out of my kitchen. You’re always up in my junk when I’m trying to get dinner finished.”

  Kevin reached down and pinched Fen’s butt. “You love it when I’m in your junk.”

  Fen laughed and punched Kevin’s arm until he surrendered and went out to sit on the couch. Still, Kevin had a point.

  YOU’RE RIGHT. I do.

  Chapter 10

  “GET YOUR prettiest outfit on, mister. I’m taking you on a date,” Kevin called when he walked in the door a few nights later.

  Fen giggled—and yeah, he felt a little dumb about that. “Ooooh, fancy. Where are we going?”

  “I’m going to feed you and then… well, it’s a surprise.”

  “I’m not good with surprises.”

  “Just put on some jeans and that blue plaid button-up. I love that shirt. I want to see you in it.”

  One more time. That part was implied. Fen tried to ignore it and smiled. “Okay. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”

  “Chop-chop.”

  DINNER WAS nice. Quiet, maybe, since Fen was mentally counting down the hours, as much as he tried not to.
They were down to two nights and one day, half of which both he and Kevin had to spend at work. Quit thinking about it.

  “Hey, you like your fettuccine? You’re being awfully quiet.”

  “Yeah, it’s great. You want to try some?” Fen felt stupid for how hard he was taking it. Kevin didn’t seem to be as torn up, still smiling and joking like always.

  “Yes, please. Do you want some of my ravioli?” Kevin wiggled his eyebrows.

  “Always.” Fen snorted. He held out his dish and took a few of Kevin’s raviolis before he dished out some of his own dinner.

  “This is amazing,” Kevin said around a huge mouth of pasta. Fen refused to be endeared by the big adorable dork.

  “I figured you’d like it.”

  Kevin hooked their ankles together under the table and chattered on about his job and his sister’s cat and normal everyday things any couple would talk about on a night out. Fen listened and tried to sound upbeat about setting up his classroom and starting to work on the logistics for hosting the North Cali science fair in the spring, all the little things that would’ve seemed important before Kevin. All the things that seemed like more of a distraction than anything else.

  “So what’s this surprise?” Fen asked when they’d left the restaurant with their takeout containers and full bellies. He relaxed back against the seat of Kevin’s Jeep and closed his eyes contentedly.

  Kevin shrugged and smiled shyly. “It’s not anything special. I drove by it on the way home today and I thought it would be fun.”

  They drove in silence for a few minutes. Fen opened his eyes to the glow of moving lights on the horizon. He thought he could almost smell the corn dogs and cotton candy.

  “Is that where we’re going?” he asked.

  Kevin smiled. “Yeah. I thought it would be fun.”

  Fen reached across the console and slid his hand over Kevin’s thigh. “Are we going to make out behind the cotton candy booth?”

  “Of course.”

  IT TOOK a while to find a parking spot, but soon after Kevin and Fen were winding their way through a maze of colorful booths and noisy rides.

  “I actually haven’t been to this carnival before,” Fen said. “It comes every summer, but it’s more for families, I guess. I never thought to check it out.”

  The place was teeming with people, smells, sounds. It was like a bittersweet ending; the moment when summer started to fade to fall was tangible in the air, the people trying to squeeze out one last drop of freedom before they returned to reality. It was all a bit melancholy, even in the brightness of cheery relentless fun.

  “I love carnivals. We don’t really get them in the city, but my sister and I used to drive out to the ones in the small towns, gorge ourselves on elephant ears and deep-fried everything, and try to beat all the games.”

  “Did you?” Fen laughed and tried to pry himself out of his weird momentary funk.

  “What?”

  “Beat all the games?”

  Kevin laughed. “Jani is still the proud owner of a very large panda, courtesy of my skills at the ring toss, but other than that, no. It was still fun, even if I lost most of the time.”

  “What do you want to do first? Corn dogs, darts, another go at the ring toss? I hear they have deep-fried Twinkies.”

  “How ’bout some cotton candy and then the Ferris wheel?”

  Fen snorted. “You’re going to take me on the Ferris wheel? Isn’t that a little bit like making out in the backseat of mom and dad’s station wagon?”

  “It’s exactly like that. Which is why we’re going to do it.”

  Fen rolled his eyes, but he let Kevin lead him to the cotton candy booth, then to get tickets for the Ferris wheel. They stood in line, Kevin behind Fen, arms wrapped around each other, and watched the people go by. It was mostly families and teens in giggling, shrieky herds, but Fen felt comfortable surrounded by the noises of other people’s lives and Kevin’s strong arms.

  When it was their turn, they climbed into the little car, and Fen felt a jolt when it started rising toward the sky. Kevin slung his arm over Fen’s shoulders.

  “See, isn’t this nice?”

  “Cheesy.”

  “Sometimes cheesy is nice.”

  Fen really couldn’t argue. It was nice, just like the fair and their sappy good-bye dinner. It wasn’t exactly good-bye. Not quite yet. Fen didn’t want to think about Sunday morning. Instead, he let his eyes go fuzzy until the lights of the rides blurred into masses of color against the pinky-purple twilight. They were up so high, looking across the whole carnival, watching little specks of glowy motion and catching bursts of sound from the ground far below.

  “Hey, Kev?”

  Kevin wound their fingers together and squeezed. “Yeah?”

  “I know you’re leaving and this was just, whatever it was, but we don’t have to be strangers, do we?” He’d been debating whether to bring it up, but Fen figured if he didn’t at least ask, Kevin’s name in his phone’s contact list would be like a burning red what-if for the rest of his life.

  Kevin squeezed again and smiled. Fen thought his smile might be a bit sad. He wasn’t sure. “We don’t have to be strangers. It would be nice to hear from you sometimes. Whenever you want.”

  “You too. Whenever you want.”

  “Is that all? You look so nervous.”

  Fen made a face. “I just don’t know the etiquette here, okay? I’ve never done this, never had a summer romance with a time stamp, and even if I had, well, it wasn’t with you, okay?”

  “And you called me cheesy for taking you on the Ferris wheel?” Kevin smiled gently and brushed a kiss across Fen’s mouth. “I know what you mean, if that makes you feel any better. I have done this before. But not with you. I don’t want us to be strangers either.”

  “Okay. Yeah. Good.”

  Fen buried his face in Kevin’s neck. Kevin had the power to make him feel like a kid again. He felt inexperienced and out of his depth, but also giddy and bubbly and happy, even if he didn’t have much to be happy about as the clock ticked down to the end.

  AFTER WORKING his last day at the flower shop the next morning, Fen drove home. His apartment was quiet. Boringly, sadly quiet. He’d hoped Kevin would be there, napping, watching TV. Anything. There was a note on his coffee table, though, telling him to come upstairs and help Kevin pack. Fen wanted nothing to do with Kevin packing and moving on, but he also kinda hoped packing was code for getting naked and crawling into bed.

  Fen realized he hadn’t ever been up to Kevin’s apartment before. Made sense, since Kevin didn’t have much with him and he was just subletting it from someone else. But it was weird to see a place that was essentially the same as his but without the few posters or plants he had. Not even a soft cushy couch. Kevin must’ve noticed him looking around.

  “I like your place way better, obviously. And I’ve kind of missed my own bed—at least I did until I was in another comfy bed with an even comfier pillow.” He grinned.

  “Please tell me you didn’t just call me a pillow. More hours at the gym for me.”

  Kevin rolled his eyes. “Please. Your body is gorgeous and you know it.” He tossed the shirt he’d been folding into a bag. “It’s probably annoying to keep saying that kind of stuff over and over, but I’m going to miss it. You.”

  Fen winked at him. “Maybe I’ll have to send you some pictures so you don’t forget what it looks like.”

  “Gasp, Mister Keene. What would your students think of their upstanding young physics teacher sending cock shots?”

  Fen snorted. “They’d be grossed out, probably.”

  “That shit didn’t even work before I saw how those girls giggled over you at the Thai place. Good try, though.”

  “They were probably giggling because they caught their teacher out on a date. With a guy, no less. Those were the same girls who I overheard talking about how they shipped Ben and I together. Of course, that’s before Rory blew back into town and stole him away from me.”<
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  Kevin pounced on the bed, growled, and bit Fen’s neck lightly. “I know it’s irrational as all hell, and I have zero right, but the thought of you with someone else makes me really jealous. I kinda hate it.”

  “Yeah. Me too.” Fen threaded his fingers through Kevin’s hair and pulled lightly until Kevin’s lips were right where he wanted them. He groaned into the kiss. They didn’t get many more of these.

  “Fuck. Why do I always want you so bad?” Kevin nipped at Fen’s lip. “It’s not fair.”

  “Says the hot twenty-three-year-old who can have anyone he wants.”

  “I’m almost twenty-four. And I want you.”

  Fen trailed his lips down Kevin’s neck and tried not to think of how much he wanted that to be true indefinitely. “You need to finish packing.”

  “Not really.”

  “Yes, really. Why don’t I go start dinner so I don’t distract you, and you can bring your bags down when they’re packed so you don’t have to come back up here.” Kevin pouted for a moment. “Knock it off, you’re not that cute.”

  “I so am.”

  Fen laughed and launched himself off the bed before the kissing started again. “I’ll see you in a little bit.” He leaned over and gave Kevin one more small brushing kiss, dodged his grabby hands, and booked it for the door before he could change his mind.

  BOTH OF them avoided going to bed for a long time, like the thought that it was the last time was weighing them down. Fen thought it for sure. The last time Kevin would be standing in his bathroom, brushing his teeth, the last time he’d turn down the covers, the last time he’d slide into bed, all skin and gorgeous bones and tiny little boxer briefs there for Fen to touch. He hated that he couldn’t just enjoy what he had left of Kevin’s presence without getting depressed about it.