Wolfsbane: The Wolf Within

by Bethany Shay Porteous

  “Evelyn!” my father groaned. “You’ve gone through a lot in your lifetime. Everything you have experienced is going to take its toll on you. You need to be open with those around you when you start having those experiences; it’s the only way you’ll heal fully. You can’t shoulder that pain alone.”

  I looked into Aiden’s exhausted eyes and bit back the tears that threatened to fall. My father just didn’t understand.

  “Evelyn, I want you to come for a visit,” he instructed. “You need some time to meditate and be surrounded by our family energy.”

  “Dad—” he cut off my protest before I could start.

  “That’s not a request; I will be speaking with Claudia about this Evelyn. You can come for a weekend. It will be good for you to sit down with the family and strengthen some ties.” There was a voice on the other end of the line and my father mumbled something. “I have to go but this discussion isn’t over. Stay safe and talk to your mate.”

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “I love you too.”

  The line went dead and I put my phone on the nightstand as Aiden stood up and came over to the bed, taking off his shirt and throwing it in the corner of the room.

  “You lied to me,” he said. “I asked you if you were okay and you said you were fine!”

  “I am fine—” I started but was cut off.

  “Goddess Evelyn,” Aiden growled. “You’re not fine!”

  “Aiden—”

  “You have nightmares and panic attacks and then you tell me you’re fine and expect me to believe you?” Aiden walked over to the drawers and leaned against them. “Why can’t you just be honest with me?”

  I bit my lip and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “Because of this exact reason Aiden,” I uttered. “Straight away you freak out and then get mad at yourself because you can’t protect me from my mind. I am coping—I am and I know you don’t believe that but I am. I am handling it and moving forward.”

  Stop lying.

  You’re not lying, this is the truth.

  My body felt hot again and I got up quickly, trying to push the confusing voices to the back of my mind.

  “I have to go on patrol,” Aiden said. “I’ll be back later.”

  He kissed me so briefly on the forehead I wasn’t even sure if it happened, before he swept out of the bedroom and disappeared. I stood alone in the center of the room, kicking myself for losing control like that. In front of the family, in front of Aiden and in front of Katherine.

  I sunk down to the floor and released the bubble of silence I created for moments when Aiden and I wanted to be alone and unheard. The room would be soundproof and I finally allowed the tears to freefall from my eyes as I cried into my knees. A mixture of emotions coursed through me from sadness to anger and I scratched my chest viciously when the anger pumped through my veins. I felt like I needed to hit something—hurt something.

  Something was messing with me and I needed to find out what it was and end it now!

  ∞

  “I like this one, but it is a bit busty,” Lucy pointed out a low cut red dress on her phone and I widened my eyes. “Like I said it is a little busty.”

  “A little,” I echoed.

  “You have to admit I’d look great in it,” she whispered lowly as Geoff—Mr Collins—scribbled sums on the whiteboard at the front of the room. Regardless of his turned back his werewolf hearing would pick up our conversation as if we were right next to him. “Listen I heard about what happened at dinner the other night.”

  The lead on my pencil broke and I pulled out my sharpener. “Are you going to lecture me as well?” I asked. “Because to be honest, I don’t know if you would have anything new to add.”

  “I’m not going to lecture you,” she told me. “I get why you kept it quiet.”

  “You do?” I faced her in surprise.

  “People tend to treat you like a fragile doll Evelyn,” she said. “The fact is you’re not. You’re capable of handling yourself. The moment Aiden found you were having panic attacks I’m sure he flipped out. Especially with how you were after the battle. The fact is that this has obviously been going on for a while and you’re still waking up every day and going through life. You’re not in the corner in fetal position sucking your thumb. Once people get over it, they’ll realize that you’re coping.”

  I had fooled Lucy after all.

  One down, It slithered.

  “Ladies,” Mr Collins turned to face us as did the rest of the room. “If my class could not be used as an hour-long gossip session that would be great.”

  Lucy’s eyebrows raised and I wondered how she was going to make Geoff pay for that comment.

  The bell rang and I scooped up my books quickly. “I have to go see Miss Greene,” I told Lucy. “See you at lunch.”

  Before she could say anything I swiftly slipped into the hall and lost myself amongst the crowd of crabby teenagers all marching toward their next class with the same look of displeasure on their faces. It was the truth, I did have to go and talk to Miss Greene about the art. I only had one more piece left and I wanted her opinion on my already completed work.

  The art room was empty and Miss Greene stood in the back of the room facing the sinks. I tapped on the doorframe and she looked over, smiling when she noticed me.

  “Evelyn,” she greeted warmly. “How’s your morning so far?”

  “I just had calculus, so it could be better.” My eyes flashed to my covered paintings and back to her. “Is my work okay?”

  Miss Greene pressed her lips together and my heart sunk into my feet. “I’m a little surprised by the material, I will admit. I wasn’t expecting work so… dark, but it holds a lot of passion as well. It’s evident that you’ve thrown every ounce of yourself possible into your pieces. But I must ask, Evelyn, are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” my voice raised in pitch. “I’m fine.”

  “It’s just with art…you paint what’s inside you—at least in my case that’s what happens. If you ever need to talk Evelyn, I am here to listen. Okay?” Miss Greene held my gaze and I internally laughed. I could just imagine her face if I told her about everything going on in my life. She would have me put in a strait jacket.

  “Thanks Miss Greene,” I said. “I have to get to class.”

  “Remember what I said okay?”

  With a quick nod, I flew from the room and walked as fast as I could toward English, where I knew I was already at least five minutes late. After sitting through an hour of dissecting hidden symbols behind some ancient novel I made it to lunch and I still hadn’t seen Aiden since this morning. I was nervous of what he was going to be like in front of everyone else.

  He had been quiet at breakfast and when he’d come in from patrol he went straight to sleep facing away from me which I thought was unfair.

  “Hey lovely,” Hannah sidled up beside me and hooked her arm through mine. “I am starving.”

  Hannah had been on the phone with me the moment Josh had filled her in about dinner. I’d received a lecture from her about lying and now she was pressing for us to work together on more magic. It was getting to the point where I just wanted to take off and get away from everyone and it wasn’t as if I could use my father’s house as a haven, because he’d try and analyze me as well.

  Why couldn’t they all just leave me alone?

  No one understands, The Shadow whispered.

  No one understands, I mused as we made it to the lunch line to fill up a tray.

  “So, have you given anymore thought to meeting up maybe three times a week? I know it’s a bit of a stretch, given how much stress we’re already under, but it’ll probably be really good for you.” Ah, there it was again. Somebody else who knew what was best for me.

  “Yeah maybe,” I said.

  “I just really think it’s important that we try and bring your minds focus to other things beside the battle and everything else.”

  “Okay.”

  “Maybe even taki
ng a break from magic again—”

  “Hannah, I said maybe!” I hissed through gritted teeth as anger prickled on my skin. Her eyes widened and I inwardly smacked myself for lashing out. “Hannah, I’m sorry.”

  Her eyes watered a little as people turned away from gawking at us. “Evelyn, what’s wrong with you?”

  I pressed my lips together and shut my eyes as I tried to calm the pit of rage that was silently growing in my chest. What was wrong with me? Where the hell did I even start?

  “Move!” a human growled at me and I turned my head to stare at her. “Some of us want to eat.”

  Something in me snapped and I slammed my tray of food on the floor, shoving my way out of line as I stormed toward the exit.

  “Evelyn?” Grace shouted from across the hall and I looked over at my table and noted Aiden wasn’t even there. “What’s wrong?”

  Throwing my hands up in the air I stormed from the room as I pushed open the doors, scaring a group of Freshman who quickly scuttled out of my way. I needed to be alone and away from everyone before I hit someone or blew something up.

  ∞

  Stomping through the forest was more calming than I would have thought. The sound of leaves crushing beneath my boot clad feet gave me the sense of my anger releasing into the earth. By the time I had cooled down I knew I had overreacted a little bit, but I was so tired of people telling me what was best for me and what I should be doing. How I should be using my magic and handling my own stress—since when was it anyone’s right?

  My knees were aching and I paused to lean against a tree and catch my breath. I’d worked up a bit of a sweat. I leaned my head against the tree and shut my eyes. How many times had I proved that I can take care of myself? No one seemed to believe me, they all wanted to help, but their ways of helping meant I had to stop living. No magic, don’t go into the woods alone, bla bla bla.

  I felt like I was being watched constantly and they were all swapping notes with each other and working out ways to help me.

  “You know what it is right?” Jonah’s voice shocked me and I spun on my heel to find him leaning on a tree. “They don’t trust you.”

  I swallowed the scream that rose in my throat and he sneered at me.

  “They saw what cruelty you’re capable of Evelyn and they know you could do it to them just as easily if you wanted to.” Jonah approached me with cold eyes. “You killed hundreds of people with one look—”

  “No,” I shook my head. “No, I didn’t.”

  “Stop kidding yourself!” he growled at me. “You’re capable of evil Evelyn, just like everyone else. Get off that polished pedestal everyone has put you on.”

  “Stop it,” I said. “Go away. You aren’t here. You’re not real.”

  “I’m as real as everything else over here,” he laughed as he got eye level with me. “The day you come over here Evelyn, is the day I make you pay.”

  A combination of fear and anger rushed out of my hands, but the shocks aimed at Jonah seemed to go right through him.

  “Everyone can see you’ve changed Evelyn,” he stated. “You lose your temper, hide secrets… tell an abundance of lies—”

  “I’m protecting them,” I whispered shakily.

  “You’re protecting yourself!” he hissed at me. “You don’t want them to see who you really are. A liar.”

  “No.”

  “A murderer,” he taunted.

  Cruel, The Shadow sneered.

  “Stop it,” I uttered.

  “They’re realizing it now Evelyn,” Jonah sang at me. “The power you have does more evil than good.”

  “Shut up!” I screamed and my voice bounced off the trees and echoed through the forest in such a blaring, painful way, that I had to slam my hands over my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut as I breathed quickly and my mind pulsated with energy as my hands felt hot on my skin.

  Someone grabbed my shoulder and I flung around, grabbing whoever’s hand it was and bending back their wrist.

  “Evelyn!” Sam shouted in surprise and I released him the moment I recognized him.

  “Sam!” I gasped as I put my hand to my chest. “I’m so sorry!”

  “It’s fine, I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.” He picked himself up off the floor and flexed his wrist. “You’ve got a grip on you that’s for sure.”

  “I’m really sorry Sam I—I was just surprised.”

  “It’s fine,” he brushed it off. “Why are you out here anyway?”

  “Taking a walk,” I murmured. “I just needed to be alone for a while.”

  “I’m with you on that,” he said. “I feel like I am constantly surrounded since arriving here. I didn’t realize that packs were this… constricting.”

  “It must be so different for you,” I said.

  Sam shoved his hands in his pockets and we began to walk in no real direction. The sounds of our feet in the forest seemed so loud to me.

  “It’s really different,” he admitted. “Plus, not a lot of people here really like me.”

  “They will when they get to know you,” I assured him. “Packs are naturally cautious around new people and well… you’re not just a regular wolf entering the pack. You’re a rogue.”

  Sam nodded and his lips pressed into a thin line. “As your mate has made perfectly clear to me.”

  I bit my lip as we trudged further into the forest and my thoughts rested on Aiden and his aversion to rogues. “Don’t take it too personally, he’s really stressed out lately.” It made me feel guilty as I acknowledged that his stress had now doubled thanks to me. I wondered what he would be like when I saw him tonight.

  “I’m sure it will get easier,” Sam sighed. “I’m just so used to going off and doing whatever I wanted and now… given I’m also under probation here—I feel more like a prisoner. I’m not even allowed to shift until probation is over or I’m with Karla.”

  “That’s rough,” I sympathized.

  “What about you?” he asked with a frown. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in wolf form.”

  “That’s because I don’t have one,” I muttered. “A wolf.”

  “Really?” Sam asked in surprise.

  “Yep,” I said. “No wolf.”

  “Weird,” he muttered. “I was a late bloomer, I didn’t get my wolf until I turned twenty and my symptoms didn’t show up until I turned nineteen. I essentially went through wolf puberty when I was an adult—it was excruciating. I was sore all the time and eating like a—well a wolf.”

  “What was it like when you started to hear better?” I asked with interest.

  “It was surreal. The things that had started out as quiet murmurs turned into full conversations and it made surviving out there a lot safer as well.” We kept walking and my mind raced as my palms began to sweat. The constant hunger that had plagued me and vanished as quickly as it had arrived…my hearing and my sore joints… could it be? “When I first heard my wolf, I lost it. That was the craziest experience of my life. I was never trained how to handle it, see?”

  “That would have been scary,” I agreed.

  “Hey Evelyn,” Sam started. “I have to ask…”

  “Yes?”

  “All that stuff that went down with Idaho…why did you never run? Or try and follow me when I escaped? You helped me survive, I would have let you come with me.” His tone was serious and his honesty surprised me. What would my life have been like if I had run with Sam that day? He was here now so I no doubt would have still ended up with Aiden anyway, but would Idaho still be standing if that were the case? Or would they have caught me and Sam and killed us both?

  “I don’t like the unknown,” I decided. “For me running off like that, I would forever be looking over my shoulder and waiting for them to come for me. Or both of us.”

  “Does it worry you another pack is taking over the territory?” he asked.

  “Not really,” I admitted. “They had no affiliation to Idaho so they’re kind of brand new… and they’re rogu
es, trying to fit in with pack life. I can applaud it.”

  “You and your mate are so different,” Sam chuckled. “You clap for it and Aiden wants to tear it down before it can start.”

  “He’s only thinking forward,” I said. “When Aiden takes over he wants to limit the amount of crap he has to deal with that’s left behind from his father. I can understand his hesitancy to get on board with it. What’s to stop rogue groups forming and tearing down already established packs for land?”

  “That’s true,” Sam said as he rubbed his chin. “I remember this group I followed for a while, they used to talk about doing that. Bear in mind though, that their history with packs were pretty sour so you can understand their fantasy.”

  There were always two sides to every story and I knew that one day Aiden would understand that. Sam wasn’t a bad rogue and Alaska were pretty well behaved, they only acted out if someone threatened them. Alpha Hudson had been pretty lowkey since the run-in with Alpha Dean from Michigan.

  “How strange is it that we met again?” Sam said with a grin.

  “It’s pretty weird,” I smile softly. “I never thought I’d see you again. To be honest, I thought they would catch you and beat me for helping you escape.”

  “You’re different from the girl in the woods,” he told me. “You’re legendary now that’s for sure. When I heard stories of a young witch who could burst brains and melt people’s flesh off I prayed I’d never run into her. Just another crazy witch, I had thought.”

  I laughed out loud and shook my head. “I’ve realized lately I can only use defensive magic when I’m directly under threat. I don’t hurt people for the joy of it.” Sam made a face and mumbled something under his breath and I frowned. “Sorry?”

  “I heard about what you and Hannah did the other day,” he said louder this time. “The butterflies and all that.”

  “It’s my reward when I work with Hannah,” I laughed. “We train for a bit and then we can finally use the magic for what it was created.”

  “So, magic was created?” Sam asked.