The Pacifist

by Elin Peer

  His disgust offended me and made it easier to say what needed to be said, “You’re right. I don’t hide in my room feeling sorry for myself.” I shrugged. “People used to think that you’d soon get out of this room, but I guess they were wrong when they said you’re not a quitter.”

  Magni’s right hand flew up and he pointed to the door. “Get the fuck out.”

  Satisfied with my work, I rose up to my full height in a slow movement and picked up a notepad on the bed. Magni was fuming while I wrote down a sentence.

  “Read it a hundred times until you get it,” I instructed him before walking to the door. “It’s time for you to redefine what it means to be strong. None of your impressive fighting techniques will work on the demons in your mind.”

  “You don’t know shit about my demons.”

  “I know they keep you trapped in here and that this suite is becoming your own version of hell.” I began walking to the door. “The good news is that when you decide to beat the demons and take back your life, you can… with the right help of course.”

  “You think I need your help? I don’t!”

  “Strongest man in the world at your service.” I looked him straight in the eye. “Your first assignment is on that pad. I’ll check in on you the next time I come.”

  Magni picked up the pad. “What is this crap?” He read the words and lowered his forehead. “There’s no assignment here.”

  “You’re smart. You’ll figure it out.”

  When I closed the door, I heard Magni curse out loud behind me. All I could hope for was that I had poked the bear hard enough.

  CHAPTER 5

  Secrets from the Council

  Jonah

  Mila and I crossed the border to the Motherlands on foot and walked up to the community drone that I had ordered to pick us up.

  Compared to her father’s huge luxury drone that had taken us here, this one was much smaller.

  Mila ran the last steps to the drone. “How cute. Look how tiny it is. Can you imagine some of the Nmen in one of these machines? Their heads would bump the ceiling and they would have to sit like this.” She got in and curled her legs to her chest.

  “See, there are advantages to being a normal-sized man. One meter and eighty-two centimeters is a fine height.” I used my voice to give the drone our destination while Mila looked up, calculating in her head.

  “That’s six feet.”

  “Yes, and then some because my ears work like wings and have me constantly floating above ground.” I had always been teased about my ears being big and it was second nature for me to joke about it.

  Mila reached out and touched my left ear. “I like your ears. It’s like your brain is trying to reach out and hug people.”

  I cracked into a wide grin. “Only you would say that.”

  The flight to my house took close to three hours, and gave us a chance to talk about all sorts of things from politics to Mila’s dream of being a veterinarian and running a large animal shelter.

  “I don’t want a place with large cages. It should be a wonderful sanctuary where the dogs receive lots of love and live just like they would in a real family.”

  “But do you only want to help dogs? What about all the other animals in the world?”

  “That’s a good question.” Mila looked out the window. “Maybe I could start with dogs, and then move on to include other animals later.” She was quiet for a few seconds before she pondered out loud. “That reminds me, do you ever wonder about the cloned animals? I mean it’s great that we have the technology to revive species that went extinct during or after The Toxic War, but how do we know that they are behaving like their ancestors did?”

  “Hmm… I don’t know.”

  “I’ve discussed it with Shelly often”.

  “Yeah? I’m curious; what did the genius have to say about it?”

  Pulling her foot up under her, Mila turned in her seat and tugged the sleeves of her cozy sweater over her hands. “Shelly agrees that it’s inevitable that the first clones will always differ from their ancestors in behavior. With no parents to raise them they will miss out on learned behavior that would normally have been passed from one generation to the next. It’s safe to assume that there will still be some instinctual behavior, though.”

  “So how are the biologists getting around it?”

  “I’m not sure. All I know is that they take great care in creating habitats that match each species. It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. It reminds me of something but…” I looked deep into her eyes. “You have to promise that it stays between us.”

  Mila’s eyes expanded and she nodded with a serious expression. “Is it something classified?”

  “Yes. But I trust you not to tell anyone, and it’s coming out to the public in a few days anyway.”

  “I don’t know. What if it slips out of me? Maybe it’s better if you don’t tell me.”

  “You sure? It’s really interesting,” I tempted her.

  She was so cute when she bit her lip and creased her eyebrows. “Okay, now I have to know what it is.”

  “All right. You know how earth healers are cleaning up one toxic area of the world at a time, right?”

  Mila nodded. “Yes. I heard they just moved into old Europe.”

  “I know.” I gave a secretive smile. “And something extraordinary happened.”

  Mila didn’t blink. “Did they find a new species?”

  “No. But they came across a group of people.”

  “Someone got there before the earth healers? Who would be so reckless? What about the radiation and toxicity?

  “That’s the crazy part. Apparently, the ancestors of these people survived in an underground city until it was safe to come out.

  “No one can survive underground for four hundred years, Jonah.”

  “Told you it was an interesting story. Basically, according to the report, the French government created underground survival bunkers in a cave-like system. It had the capacity of about a thousand people, but only thirty-eight made it inside in time.”

  “Jonah, that’s crazy. How many are they now?”

  “Thousands.”

  “But are they…” Mila hesitated. “I mean with that few original survivors there’s bound to have been inbreeding.”

  “You mean are they illiterate and mentally slow?”

  “Yes, or deformed. What do I know?”

  “They probably would have been if not for the fact that the survivors were smart enough to write down a strict set of rules to be followed. There were five women and thirteen men and they made mathematical systems to minimize the inbreeding. I suppose that’s what happens when a group of scientists are the sole survivors.”

  “Do they speak English?”

  “No. They speak French. We used to think it was a dead language, but apparently not.”

  “Then how did the earth healers communicate with them?”

  “Some of our priestesses with linguistic skills went to help and they’ve been working with the group.”

  Mila leaned back. “Wow… I don’t know what to say. I can’t wrap my head around that many people going undiscovered for this many years.”

  “I’ve been wondering the same thing, but the earth is no small place and most Council members aren’t interested in spending resources outside the healthy zone. That’s why the cleaning work is progressing so slowly. The good thing is that they’ve proven that at least that part of old Europe is safe to live in. It gives hope that there might be other survivors out there.”

  “And are they happy to be found?” Mila asked.

  “You would think so, but apparently not. The report said they were aware there were other people in the world, but they saw us as a threat. For now, doctors are trying to establish a safe way for them to be included with the rest of the Motherlands, but they don’t seem too eager.”

  “Why are there doctors, are they sick?”

  “No, it’s just that we
don’t know if they have the immune system to withstand what would be considered common diseases among us.”

  Mila leaned her head on the window. “I hope that means there are animals who have survived too. It’s exciting that you have access to classified information like that. I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

  “It’s one of my favorite things about being on the Council. The other day I found a book I’ve been dying to read since I first heard about it. Did you know that two hundred years ago there was a book that rattled the council so much that they made it illegal to speak about the Nmen?”

  There was an eagerness to Mila’s tone. “Yes. I heard about it. It was a romance of some kind, wasn’t it?”

  “Uh-huh. I’ve read some of the transcripts from the meetings back then and it was insane how threatened they felt by the desire that book aroused in women around the world. Not only did they make that book illegal, they also banned all other books that were emotionally charged, be it romance or horror.” I shook my head. “If you ask me, it was a crime to humanity just like the ban on alcohol. To take away people’s freedom to read what we want is censorship of the worst kind.”

  “But you’re going to change that, right?”

  I narrowed my eyes with determination. “That’s the plan.”

  “Tell me about the book. I’m so jealous. Did you read it already?”

  “It’s called Forbidden Letters from the North, and yes, I read it. Once I began, I couldn’t stop reading. It’s about this young woman who finds a letter that has been thrown over the border wall and then she writes back. Maybe I can get you a copy because it’s so good, you need to read it yourself.”

  “Then you’d better get to work and make them lift that ban.”

  We laughed together and a minute later I pointed out the window. “Do you see that stadium over there? That’s where my sister and Hunter play soccer.”

  “Can we see a game?”

  “The season is over. You’ll have to come back again.”

  Mila’s face was close to the window, looking down. “I haven’t seen Hunter for months. Are they still happy together?”

  “Very. It’s funny with him and my sister because they’re so different but maybe that’s what makes it work between them.”

  Mila turned and looked at me. “That’s what my mom says about my future husband. I shouldn’t be afraid of someone who is my opposite.”

  My smile vanished because the thought of Mila marrying always came with the realization that I would lose my best friend.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s not true. I can read your body language, Jonah. Was it because I used the word afraid?” Mila exhaled noisily and began fiddling with her wristband – a sure sign she was nervous. “It’s not that I’m scared in general, but there’s one part about marriage that scares me.”

  “Being told what to do and what to think?”

  She rubbed her nose with the back of her hand. “That too, I guess, but mostly I worry about the wedding night.”

  That made me sit up straight. “Why? What happens on the wedding night?”

  Mila angled her head. “You know what happens.”

  “Are you talking about the consummation?”

  “Yes. I know it’s part of marriage, but sometimes when I’m close to a Huntsman, I feel so tiny compared to them. I lean my head back to meet their eyes and to be honest, I wonder if…”

  “If what?”

  “If it’ll work.”

  “It won’t!” My answer came fast.

  Mila gaped. “But Willow is with Solo and he’s seven feet tall. They seem very happy and they have Nora, so they must have… you know, consummated their marriage.”

  “Willow is taller than you.”

  “That’s true, but I’ve seen women my size with large men.”

  I turned down the heat. “It’s very hot in here, isn’t it?”

  “It’s not just the consummation itself. It’s the kissing too. I’ve never kissed a man, or a boy for that matter.”

  “Never?”

  “No.” Mila looked thoughtful. “The boys at my school were afraid to come too close to me because of my dad. Now I wonder if I’ll be bad at it.”

  “How hard can it be?” I pulled off my sweater, leaving only my t-shirt. “And besides, you don’t have to impress him. Nmen look at you like you’re a piece of strawberry pie.”

  That made Mila grin.

  “It’s not funny,” I said. “It gives me the creeps how they eat you up with their eyes when you’re not looking.”

  “Did you ever kiss a woman, Jonah?”

  I scratched my neck. “Sure.”

  Mila put her feet down on the floor and straightened up. “Shut up – you didn’t?”

  “I did. I told you that my family runs a sex club.”

  Narrowing her eyes, Mila drilled for information, “Yes, you told me about the club, but you said that you never had sex.”

  “We didn’t have sex. But we made out and she taught me how to kiss.”

  “When was this?”

  “A long time ago. I was eighteen or nineteen.”

  “Did you like it?” Mila’s eyes fell to my lips as if she wondered what it would be like to kiss me. My stomach tingled as if the drone had made a sudden drop. Shifting in my seat, I crossed my legs, hoping to hide that my pants were growing tight in the front. “Ehh, it’s been so long that I can hardly remember it.”

  “But could you teach me how to kiss?”

  CHAPTER 6

  How to Kiss

  Mila

  Jonah gaped before stammering, “What… what did you say?”

  “I asked if you could teach me how to kiss. That way I wouldn’t be as nervous on my wedding night.” I held my breath feeling vulnerable for having proposed the idea.

  “But…” He frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to be untouched to have a tournament?”

  I pulled back in my chair. “I won’t lose my virginity from kissing.”

  “No, I know that. I’m just confused because I assumed…” Jonah’s Adam’s apple was bobbing in his throat and he didn’t seem to know where to place his hands. “I just meant that maybe you wanted your husband to be the first to kiss you, or… I don’t know, it’s all irrational to me.”

  It was irrational to me too. The way I longed for the one man who showed no interest in me sexually. I was so used to men sending long glances at me in the Northlands and I knew thousands were hoping to win my hand in marriage. So why was Jonah all I could think about?

  “This isn’t back in the twenties when women were married off at fifteen,” I defended myself. “You said it yourself. I’m a grown woman and I’m in charge.” My hands were shaking a little when I gave Jonah a challenging stare. “If I want to kiss someone, I can, and it’s not like you would tell anyone, would you?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Exactly. It would just be between you and me.” I pulled back, taking his initial shock as a rejection. “But if you don’t want to, I understand.”

  “No!” His tone was a bit high-pitched. “It’s not that. It’s just…” His eyes traveled between my eyes and lips. “Are you sure it’s what you want?”

  I went from defensive to nervous real fast, and tucked my shaking hands under my thighs. “Why not? We’re friends, and I feel safe with you.”

  Jonah watched me as if he was waiting for me to break into laughter and tell him I was joking. When I didn’t, his eyes fell to my lips again and he dipped his head a little closer. My heart was in my throat and the masculine scent of him made my nostrils expand to take it all in. This was Jonah Cervici, the most powerful man in the Motherlands and my best friend. I’d wanted him to kiss me for so long and now that he was mere inches away, my eyes shut and I stopped breathing.

  No, my brain shouted. I wanted to see the kiss and not miss a thing, but the bombardment of my senses was too much and as soon as his breath warmed my lips, I stopped
worrying about seeing. Every particle of my body was in a state of hyper-sensitivity. The sensation of his lips brushing mine had me sucking in air in a small gasp.

  Another soft kiss was followed by his fingertips, sliding up my neck. I pursed my lips, silently asking for more, and Jonah complied with long, soft, and tender kisses.

  His lips tasted sweet and I got goosebumps from the delicious feeling of him pulling me toward him and kissing me in a more assertive way. The strong tingles that ran through my belly made me smile and giggle low.

  “What is it?” Jonah asked into my mouth.

  “Nothing.” I couldn’t tell him that I was elated to find that kissing him felt even better than the romance novels had promised. Afraid that I might embarrass myself by pulling him closer and try that French kissing that I’d read about, I kept my hands under my thighs and didn’t dare move.

  “Do you like it?”

  I loved that he kept his hand behind my neck and that his nose touched mine when he asked.

  “Uh-huh,” I sighed and pursed my lips again, not wanting our kissing to ever stop.

  Pressing his lips against mine in another hard kiss, Jonah cupped my face, and then he sucked on my lower lip, releasing it with a pop sound.

  With thousands of butterflies in my stomach, I felt sure that my seatbelt was the only thing preventing my body from lifting in the chair.

  “How did it feel?” His question came as a whisper.

  Despite having my eyes closed, I knew he had pulled back because I felt the loss of his closeness.

  In a breathy voice, I answered, “It made me feel dizzy, like the drone was spinning or something.”

  “Do you want to kiss more?”

  There was no hesitation, just a quick, “Yes.”

  Jonah’s lips were full and plump in the most delicious way. The way he nibbled at my lower lip and planted kisses on my upper one made me want to never stop. I moved my head and kissed him back, and when my mouth couldn’t be quiet about the wonderful feeling that was building up inside me any longer, a moan escaped from my throat.

  “You okay, Mila?”