The Pacifist

by Elin Peer

  He had pulled back again, but I was reluctant to come out of the daze I was in. Kissing Jonah was everything I’d imagined times a hundred. My head was exploding with the need to tell him about the feelings I’d had for him for more than a year. But this was Jonah, who was critical about my interest in marriage every time the subject came up. He wasn’t a romantic but a coolheaded Councilman. So what if he indulged me in a kiss? It was only because he wanted to help me, and I wasn’t foolish enough to think it meant as much to him as it did to me.

  Telling Jonah how I felt could be the end to our friendship, and he was too important for me to risk that.

  “Mila?”

  I exhaled the breath I’d been holding in. “Yes, I’m okay.”

  “What about this time, did you still like it?”

  My brain felt molten but I still understood that this would be a defining moment in my life. Just like moving to the Northlands and being adopted had been.

  “Yeah… Yes… I liked it.” My eyes were blinking as I rambled on, “This was good. Now I won’t be so scared anymore. I mean, if this is what kissing feels like, bring it on… you know?”

  Rubbing his face, Jonah moved in his seat and turned to his window. “We’re nearly there. My home is nothing much but then I don’t spend a lot of time there, and I guess that compared to the Gray Manor everything looks small.”

  He had changed the subject away from our kissing and I went along with him.

  “Small can be cozy.”

  “True, but I’m afraid my talent for decorating a house won’t impress you.”

  “Don’t worry. I love decorating and I’m good at it. If you want, I’ll be happy to help you.”

  “I’ll take all the help I can get.”

  The drone began descending to a rooftop in what looked to be a large city.

  “Welcome to Old York. Once this was one of the busiest cities in the world. It had buildings reaching high up in the sky.”

  I took in the colorful houses and the naked trees along the streets.

  “It’s beautiful but very cold in the winter.” Jonah picked up my jacket from one of the empty seats and handed it to me before putting on his own jacket.

  “Did you ever consider living in a warmer place?” I asked.

  “Yes. Every winter. But the summers are nice here and one of the biggest restricted archives is located only ten minutes from me. I go there often to research.”

  When the door of the drone opened, a cold blast of air made my hair blow back. “You weren’t kidding. It’s freezing.”

  Jonah’s smile warmed me. “Come on, Miss Sunshine. You’re much tougher than you think.”

  As we walked the three minutes from the drone parking to his apartment building, Jonah pulled me close to his side to shield me from the cold wind. At one point I slipped on black ice and we came close to falling on our behinds, which had us laughing.

  “Please don’t get injured while you’re here. Your father already threatened to punch me once today, and I really enjoy my straight nose.”

  “I’m sure he was only kidding.”

  Jonah was quick to change the subject and pointed to the facades of the buildings that all had vertical gardens in front. “The city is much prettier in the summer when the flowers are in bloom.”

  “Which one is your building?”

  “The red one just down there. Be careful, there might be ice on the steps.”

  Jonah’s apartment turned out to be slightly smaller than my room at the Gray Manor. It had a small bathroom and an open room that served as kitchen, living room, and bedroom.

  While clearing away some socks and pants from the sofa, he asked, “What do you think of my place?”

  “It’s perfect.”

  “You don’t think it’s too small?”

  “No. My head is already spinning with ideas on how to decorate it.” Walking over to a poster on the wall I crossed my arms and looked back at him. “Are you very attached to that one?”

  “Not really, it was here when I moved in and I figured it added a little color to the room.”

  “What is it even supposed to be?”

  Angling his head, he made a guess. “A cloning attempt gone wrong?”

  “Hmm. It looks like the artist couldn’t decide if he wanted to make a goat, a horse, or a cow. It’s creepy.”

  Jonah used his foot to push some flat boxes under the sofa. “I would have cleaned if I’d known you were coming back with me. I’m planning to get a house-bot at some point, but you know…” He didn’t finish his sentence.

  “It’s okay. I have messy siblings and my dad isn’t the tidiest of people either.”

  Walking over to the bed in the corner he began pulling off the sheets. “That’s funny, because I once heard him reprimand one of his soldiers for being a slob.”

  “I know, but that’s just my dad playing big bad wolf with his men. They expect it of him. It’s like he has to live up to their image of him as the strict disciplinarian.”

  “The dynamic between men in the Northlands is fascinating to me. I don’t understand why anyone would scold another adult for not having clean shoes. Why does Magni even care?”

  I picked up a pillow to help change the sheets. “It’s a military thing. To be honest I think they make up all sorts of weird rules in order to exercise power over lower-ranking soldiers. It’s how they train them to not question authority.”

  Jonah’s hands, with the other pillow, lowered. “People have to question authority. They have to, Mila. You too.”

  I watched him open a drawer and find clean sheets.

  “I’m not a soldier.”

  “No, but you’re not exactly a rebel either. You’re pretty obedient when it comes to your father.”

  I sat down on the bed. “It’s hard when your parents are hotheads like mine.”

  “Yeah, I’ve noticed that they don’t take criticism well.”

  Nodding my head, I added, “There’s that, and they’re not exactly good at communicating how they feel in general.”

  Jonah made a sound between a snort and a laugh. “Yeah, it’s really hard to know if Magni is angry or happy. I can never tell.”

  “Very funny, Jonah.” I rose up and helped him put on the sheet. “It still surprises me how often you use irony and sarcasm. Are you sure you’re not the son of a Northlander?”

  “It’s a possibility. Tristan and I are the same age and he was fathered by Finn long before the integration began.”

  “You’re right.” I stopped and thought about it. “That would bring us back to the discussion of nature versus environment. Will a bird know how to sing like its ancestors did if no other bird is around to teach it the melody?”

  “You mean, how did I get my wicked sense of humor in a place where everyone is nice?”

  “Yes! You’re like the wolf that grew up with dogs and began howling even though no one had shown it how.”

  Jonah finished making the bed and picked up the dirty bed sheets from the floor. “Sorry to disappoint you, Milove, but I’m not a lonely wolf howling in a pack of dogs. My siblings are like me and use irony and sarcasm all the time.”

  “But why is that?”

  He shrugged. “We studied the past to make Nostalgia Park as authentic as possible. Every movie and book we could get our hands on was consumed raw to apply the old-fashioned expressions when we worked in the park. People get a real kick out of our being rude, direct, and speaking like they did back in that time period. I guess it just rubbed off on us.”

  “I can’t wait to see that place and meet your other siblings.”

  Jonah moved around in the kitchen side of the room. “They won’t all be there, but Cole, my older brother, is head of operations and you’ll meet him for sure.”

  “I’ve heard about him from Hunter.”

  “Yeah? Why are you grinning?”

  “Because wasn’t Cole the one who brought Hunter to the sex club?”

  With his hand on his fridge, Jo
nah wrinkled his brow. “Hunter told you about that?”

  “Actually, he told Solo, who told Willow, who told me.”

  “Wow, people talk, huh?”

  “They sure do. The rumor is that Cole is something of a sex expert.”

  A small snort came from Jonah.

  “You disagree?”

  “No, I’m just not sure sex is something anyone would want to be considered an expert on.”

  “Why not?”

  Jonah reached for some cheese in the fridge and smelled it. “I’m not sure this is still good. Here, try and sniff.”

  I leaned closer. “Smells fine to me. You were saying?”

  “Huh?”

  “About Cole being a sex expert.”

  “Oh, right. I’m just saying that it’s not something to brag about. Sex is still frowned upon by many.”

  “Really? Even with public figures like your sister and Salma Rose being in relationships?”

  “Maybe the attitude is changing, but for the older generations sex is still seen as something only romantics and naturephiles would do.”

  “How can people object to something so natural?”

  “As I said, it might be a generational thing. There’s a rising number of new members in my family’s sex club, but it’s all younger people.” Jonah had found some biscuits and celery sticks that he placed on a plate with the cheese.

  “Ahh, you see! That has to be a result of the Northlands rubbing off on the Motherlands.”

  Jonah gave me a speculative glance. “I can’t argue that. It’s interesting though, that something as unhygienic and old-fashioned as sex is coming back into fashion.”

  “Why wouldn’t it? It’s how people procreate.”

  “No, Mila. It’s how people in the Northlands procreate, but here we have the fertility clinics and it works great.”

  I followed him to the small couch. “But don’t you ever wonder if you’re missing out on something?”

  Tilting his head from side to side, Jonah looked like he was making a list of pros and cons in his head. “Sure, I mean, Cole enjoys it, but he did say that the satisfaction from the experience varies depending on what partner he’s with. Some of the women are inexperienced and tense up and it makes it less enjoyable for him.”

  “Can’t he help them relax?”

  “Not always, I think.”

  I pulled my legs up under me and got comfortable on the couch. “Did you ever consider going to the club yourself? I’ll bet you could get any woman there you want.”

  “Probably. But I can’t go.” Jonah placed some cheese between two crackers and stuffed them inside his mouth.

  “Because of you being a Council member?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Then do it with someone you trust that wouldn’t tell anyone.” I felt my cheeks heat up. “I mean if you were curious and wanted to try and have sex.”

  Jonah gave a low chuckle. “Are you volunteering?”

  I had a celery stick in my hand and threw it at him in a playful way. “Don’t joke about it.”

  “Why not? It’s funny. I mean the idea of you and me having sex together.” Jonah snickered with amusement.

  I laughed with him, hiding my disappointment that the idea was crazy to him when I’d dreamt about it often.

  “Maybe I should talk to your brother and ask him my questions. That way I can see if Cole is really the sex expert people think he is.” Tapping my finger on my chin, I joked. “I wonder if he’s a better kisser than you.”

  Jonah didn’t seem to appreciate my humor because his lips disappeared in a firm line. “Yes, I’m sure he can teach you much more than I can.”

  Jonah and I had never been in a fight, but I sensed how tense he’d become and it made me insecure. “I once fell down from a roof and broke a bone.” It was an unrelated thought and my way of changing the subject.

  Jonah’s eyebrows drew close together. “I’m sorry to hear that but what does that have to do with your curiosity about sex?”

  Feeling on thin ice, I rambled on, “I’m not curious. Well, I was, but you showed me what kissing is like and now I have my answer. Or I mean, maybe not entirely, but it’s good enough, I guess.”

  Jonah reached for another cracker, but changed his mind and slumped back in the couch. “You should ask me.”

  “Ask you what?”

  “The thing you’re dying to ask me.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Jonah sighed. “Okay, but when you’re ready for the answer, I’m happy to tell you.”

  “What answer?”

  “You were worried that you weren’t any good at kissing…”

  I wet my lips and blinked my eyes, unable to ask the question he was referring to.

  “Don’t you want to know if I enjoyed the kiss, Mila?”

  Not looking him in the eye, I gave an almost invisible nod.

  “The truth is that… umm…”

  My pulse beat fast and when Jonah didn’t finish his sentence, I met his eyes with impatience. “What?”

  “Kissing you felt…” As if he was censoring himself, Jonah settled on the word “good.”

  “Good?”

  “Yes. You have nothing to worry about.”

  My shoulders fell and I shrunk back in the couch. How could something that had blown my mind be nothing more than good to Jonah? “Was it better than with the woman in the sex club?” The moment my question was out, I wished I could take it back. What if he liked her more?

  Trying to lighten the mood, I made another attempt at being funny and distracting him from answering my first question. “If you like kissing so much, maybe you should get married yourself.”

  Jonah rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, which was so unexpected that I gaped. “Did you just roll your eyes at me?

  “Don’t look so shocked.”

  “But you could get reported for improper communication, Jonah.”

  “By whom?” He swung his hands around. “It’s just you and me here and you’re used to much worse from your family and friends up North. If I’m honest, it’s one of the things I enjoy most about visiting the Northlands. The freedom to express myself without worrying that someone will get offended about a simple word.”

  “What’s your favorite swear word?”

  Jonah smiled and leaned his head back. “Huh, that’s a good question. Maybe fuck a duck… I’ve heard that a few times and it sounds funny. Same with shit a sheep. We would never say that here but I think we should. It adds color to the language.”

  I laughed. “That’s true, but then there are plenty of sayings in the Motherlands that I find lovely and colorful too.”

  “Like what?”

  I thought about it. “Son of a sea lion is one of my favorites, and fidgeting fairies is cute too.”

  “Yeah, no… the last one is definitely something only children would say.”

  “I was a child when I moved. Maybe that’s why I still like it.”

  “Probably, but either way, languages evolve and I’ve heard expressions take hold here without people realizing they originated in the Northlands.”

  “You have?” My eyes widened. “Give me an example.”

  “Okay… ehh, let me think. After my first visit to the Northlands, I returned full of impressions and when I did my first interview the words ‘dancing devils’ slipped out and it became an instant hit and was considered new slang.

  “Why do you think that is?”

  Jonah spoke with certainty in his tone. “Because it’s close enough to a curse word to be daring and it’s safe enough to not get reported. People are longing for us lawmakers to bring back free speech.”

  “Really? You think Motlanders want to curse?”

  “I can’t speak for everyone, but some of us do. It’s bloody annoying to be limited and have other people censor you.”

  I laughed. “And there we have the wolf howling again. You weren’t born to live with dogs, Jonah. There’s a wi
ld side to you.”

  “Well, it doesn’t take much to appear wild in this country of tame and domesticated people. I’m not saying we need to use vile or hurtful words, but a few swear words won’t kill anyone and people need to stop being so sensitive anyway.”

  “Sometimes I swear too,” I admitted. “It’s hard not to get affected by the people you live with. Not long ago, I said… shit.”

  It was easy to see that Jonah was passionate about it as he continued, “Knowing you, I’m sure the situation called for it.”

  “Actually, it was a very descriptive word because Holger pooped on the antique rug in the foyer of the Manor. I knew Khan would freak out about it, and he did.”

  That made Jonah’s lips lift up in a smile. “I remember you told me about that. Wasn’t that when Khan threatened to ban your dogs and you said that he’d have to kick you out too?”

  “Yup, he was furious, but by now, I’m used to that. The Northmen can be explosive in their rhetoric but it’s like a storm that blows over fast.”

  Jonah reached for some more crackers. “I can’t prove it scientifically, but I’m convinced that it’s healthier than to never show anger. We Motlanders are taught to control our emotions but what that means is really to suppress them. You can learn not to show any anger, but what if by capping anger you’re also capping off joy?”

  I’d never thought about it that way. “I don’t feel like I’m limiting myself.”

  Moving closer, Jonah’s eyes shone with intensity. “I’ve never seen you furious. A little annoyed, sure, but never furious. Why is that?”

  I frowned. “It’s not my style.”

  “I know… same with me, but do you think we’re limited?”

  “Limited?” I shook my head. “Pearl says that Nmen have the emotional control of children. They don’t filter their thoughts and they act out all their emotion with foul language, slamming their hands on the table, and fighting when they get mad. Is that what you want?”

  “Of course not. But at least they get rid of their anger. People here, they…” he sighed. “Well, I just feel like sometimes all those suppressed emotions seep out in passive-aggressive ways, and personally, I prefer clear and honest discussions. My sister is direct in her communication and she gets in trouble when she speaks her mind.”

  “Yes, I heard.”