Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  The dining room was in a completely different room—I’d only ever seen that in movies. We sat down at the dinner table. He’d made pasta with shrimp and there was a salad. I could have finished the whole bowl. I ate while they talked and stared off into the distance. I wasn’t paying attention. I just kept eating. I knew I should stop so I could bring some home to my dad. I scraped off my plate anyway. While I was chugging my water, everything went quiet. I put it down.

  “My dad had wanted me to bring some back for him,” I mumbled.

  “Of course. I’ll put the leftovers in a container for you.” Mr. Torke wouldn’t stop staring at me as he got up. I smiled at Ethan. Mr. Torke came back in and handed me the container.

  “Thank you. This was great. My dad is going to love it too,” I told him.

  “I’m glad. I can’t get this kid to eat my cooking. It’s not like his mom’s, that’s for sure,” Mr. Torke joked, looking over at Ethan.

  “Just different. I have to get used to it,” Ethan said.

  “You know, your father was more than welcome to come. I didn’t know he was…uh…you know?” Mr. Torke looked at both of us.

  “What? Living with me? Not sick?”

  I wondered what he’d heard about us.

  “I still haven’t officially met her dad, so I didn’t invite him. I want to make sure Portia was ready before she introduced us,” Ethan said.

  “Yeah, he’s not sick. It’s just that we all grieve in different ways.”

  “Interesting. Did you guys ever go to grief counseling?”

  “Dad…” Ethan put his arm around me. It was fine. I just didn’t understand the question.

  “I’ve heard that term, but don’t know what it is. Is it like a class to learn about grief? I don’t know what it is.”

  “No, it’s to help you grieve properly.”

  “There’s a right way to grieve?” I didn’t think so, but he was the doctor.

  “Everyone is different, but these groups—I’m telling you, they work wonders. I know so many people—”

  “I get what you’re saying. My dad definitely needs counseling. I’m really just following him. When he cries, I cry. When he laughs, I laugh. If he goes to counseling and gets better, I’ll get better.” I smiled at Ethan, who looked pissed.

  “Smoke?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “When we get back, I can help you with the dishes,” I offered.

  “Thank you, Ms. Willows, but it won’t be necessary.”

  We sat on the front steps.

  “He wasn’t so bad. I could have gone and seen him I guess.” I lit my cigarette.

  “You think you would be different now?”

  “No. Not really, but I feel bad being rude and giving him the cold shoulder for four years.”

  “It’s so weird. You’ve seen my dad more than I have.” Ethan looked off into the street.

  “I guess, but we didn’t even talk, and he’s your father.”

  “He wants to help you. I mean, I want you to be happy too, but I already fucked up so much already…” he said quietly. I didn’t know what he meant by that.

  “What do I need help with? Besides school, but I’ve got that handled. Help taking care of my dad? I do have help. Susan, my Mom’s partner, and Ingrid, who lives next door. My grandma comes down from time to time. I know what it looks like, Ethan. I know what everyone is thinking…”

  “Do you?”

  “Yeah. No one has seen my dad because he won’t leave the house. I barely leave the house. I’m about to be twenty years old and I drink beer like a country singer and smoke cigarettes like a sailor…I don’t fucking know, but I know it looks bad. But we’ve been like this for over a year and we’ve survived. We’ll keep surviving. It’s not the norm, but I have it under control. Tell your dad not to worry about me, but he’s so sweet for caring.” I kissed him on the cheek. “If that’s what all that was…” I said holding up the pasta. “I’m going to go home now and take care of my dad.”

  Chapter 6

  Present Day

  I still couldn’t figure out exactly where I was. I was willing to say anything to see my dad. I was sitting on the sofa now. Knees glued to together. Toes quietly tapping the white tiled ground. My hands gripped my knees. Eyes down.

  “Portia…what’s the last thing you remember about the accident?”

  “The police,” I mumbled.

  “Were you at the scene?”

  “I would have been dead, too, if I was.” I looked up with a glare.

  “Okay, so the police?”

  “I saw pictures, though…” I glanced down again, remembering. My mom’s crushed skull, her eyes wide open. Piper had so much makeup on—she looked really good dead.

  “I heard you refused to look at some and you didn’t identify them.”

  “I didn’t need to. Someone else did.”

  “What did the police tell you?”

  Why was I talking about something that happened five years ago? Was my family murdered? Did my dad have something to do with it? Was my dad in jail right now? Holy shit.

  “No. I’m not doing this. No. I want to see my father. I have the right to see him.” I got up and walked to the window and looked outside.

  “As soon as we’re done, you’ll get to see him.”

  I didn’t recognize the street I was on. I’d been here before, though.

  “Do you know why you’re here?”

  “No. What are you investigating? My father? It was an accident.” I was looking out the window. “It was an accident,” I said again, and put my hand up to the window. There was dried blood. It had mostly been washed off but the outline of the stain was still there.

  I couldn’t remember how…

  “Who are you?” I demanded, turning around.

  “Elizabeth Smith. I’m a forensic psychiatrist. I was hired as a consultant for this case. I’m on your side, Portia.”

  “What is so fucking complicated about a car accident that happened five years ago where my little sister died at sixteen and my mother at forty-two? It had been an accident. My dad blamed himself for months, but the police reassured him that it wasn’t his fault.” I started crying.

  “That’s not the case that I’m talking about.”

  I looked at my hands.

  Blood on my kitchen floor.

  I tried to remember more. What the hell had happened?

  “Sit down, Portia.”

  I had done something.

  Something really bad, but I had no idea what it was…

  Three Years Ago

  My dad and I were cleaning the house like maniacs because Susan was coming over with her kids. That meant all the blinds open, air fresheners, all the trash and clothes in my or his room. The kitchen needed to be full and clean. I was upstairs getting ready.

  “Dad, are you dressed?”

  “We have an hour.”

  I went to his room. He was lying in his bed watching TV with a beer.

  “You’re going to have beer breath.”

  “Is she bringing the kids?”

  “Yes.”

  “Get your old toys from the garage.”

  “You should get a shower.” Upstairs looked a mess compared to how well we had cleaned downstairs. I rushed downstairs, and through my living room window noticed Ethan coming back from a run without a shirt. I decided to open the garage door and walked outside to see if he’d notice me. I crossed my arms and smiled at him. He nodded and ran toward me.

  “Hey, Portia, what are you up to?”

  “My mom’s best friend is coming over to check on us. It sucks. Her kids are coming, too. We had to clean up the whole house. I can’t even drink a beer. I just want to get it over with.”

  “Would it help if I was over? I’m sure if she saw that you made a friend…”

  “That would be awesome, but you’d have to put on more clothes and you’d have to deal with kids
.” I looked at his body. Jesus, there wasn’t one unattractive thing about him. It wasn’t like he had a six-pack or anything, but it was just perfect.

  “I love kids.” He started jogging in place. I gulped and looked away.

  “You’re crazy.” I smiled as he ran back over to his house. Then I realized Ethan would have to meet my dad. This would be interesting.

  After I brought the toys in and saw my dad dressed to the tee, I was excited. Everything was going to work out. He looked like my old dad, my mom’s husband.

  “Dad, look at you.”

  “I do not want to do this.”

  “I want you to meet Ethan. He’s going to come over. Ethan and I will distract her while you go do whatever you want.”

  “I don’t want to meet Ethan and I don’t want to see Susan. Can you just tell her I died?”

  “Dad. I’d get taken away, idiot.” Would I though? I was over eighteen.

  “No, you won’t. You’re an adult.”

  Ethan knocked on the door. Dad started to run away but I grabbed his arm—there was no way he was going to look this nice ever again. He was meeting Ethan now.

  I opened the door with my dad right by my side. I kept looking at him. He was acting like a five-year-old boy, quiet and just smiling.

  “Daddy…this is Ethan. Ethan, this is my dad, Richard.”

  Dad half smiled.

  “Come in,” I told Ethan.

  “It’s great to finally meet you,” Ethan said. They shook hands.

  Dad didn’t say anything.

  “Dad, don’t be rude, say hi.”

  “Hi,” he mumbled.

  “You see where I get that from,” I giggled.

  Ethan looked around. “The place looks nice.”

  I was pleased he noticed. “Thanks, we cleaned it together. So, Susan is on her way. We definitely have time to down a beer.” I grabbed three beers from the fridge. Dad and Ethan were just staring at each other in silence.

  “Let’s do this fast. Cheers.” My dad and I were chugging. Beer was getting everywhere. Dad was making stupid faces. I started laughing and sprayed beer everywhere.

  “Stop. You’re making me make a mess.” I laughed at Dad. Ethan didn’t find it amusing.

  “I got it,” Ethan said as he went to grab napkins.

  “You’re just embarrassed because you couldn’t finish the beer,” I said to Dad as I grabbed his.

  “Uh, you guys got this,” Dad said. “I’m going to go upstairs. If Susan wants to see me or the kids, tell them to come up.” He walked upstairs. “It was nice meeting you, Ethan,” he called.

  “He said it was nice meeting you,” I repeated.

  “It was nice meeting you too,” Ethan yelled back.

  I rolled my eyes.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Thank you for cleaning that up and for being here.”

  Finally, I heard the kids. I opened the door and Stefan, the oldest at fifteen, came in followed by Cassie, who was ten. Then there was McKenzie, six, and the twins, Joey and Jesse, who were three. They instantly ran all through the house.

  “The toys are in the living room,” I yelled to them.

  Susan hugged me for the longest time. She and my mom were a lot alike, except Susan was blonde with hazel eyes. They had the same style—blazers, pencil skirts—but today she was wearing blue jeans with black pumps and a low-cut long-sleeved blouse. If you’re wondering how a mom with five kids could wear pumps, you didn’t know Susan. She was more insane than my mother. She did what she wanted when she wanted—kids or no kids. She was skinny, just like my mother. They both wanted to be young—go out for drinks after work, lie to their husbands about where they were. At least my dad only had to deal with Piper and me. Susan would leave Gary with five children. No wonder he cheated.

  “Sorry it’s been so long.”

  “This is Ethan Torke, he lives across the street.”

  “Oh, nice.” She gave Ethan a hug. Ethan couldn’t help but look at her cleavage. I giggled.

  “Water, juice, anything?” I asked.

  “Do you have wine?”

  “Uh, I think so…”

  “Do you want me to watch them?” Ethan asked me.

  I shook my head, thinking, Why would you offer to do that?

  “Would you please? Oh my God, I like him already.”

  I poured both of us a glass of wine and we sat at the dining room table. She drank half of it in one gulp. Like I said, what she wanted and when she wanted—kids or no kids. To be honest, she already seemed a little buzzed. Whenever Dad had raised concerns about Susan’s lifestyle, Mom shut it down completely.

  “It’s been a long day. Gary has been on an extended business trip with that whore from his legal department and the babysitter went to an out-of-state college. Why would she do that to me?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Susan talked and talked, or more accurately, she complained and complained. I went in and out of listening.

  “Stefan’s stupid teacher made me leave the office to come get him just because he threw a fucking muffin. Are you kidding me? It’s a goddamn muffin. If he threw a knife, call me. A muffin isn’t going to hurt anyone. The twins, they were sick for two weeks straight. I thought they were going to die, and between you and me, I wasn’t going to be that mad, but then they got better and it was the happiest moment of my life.”

  Holy shit, I thought, I really hope Ethan isn’t hearing all of this.

  “I almost left Gary, but I didn’t. Do you have a cigarette?”

  I got up to walk to the kitchen drawer where I had the cigarettes and took out two for each of us.

  “Do you want to go outside?” I started walking out of the kitchen.

  “No, I smoke in front of them all the time.”

  I sat on her other side.

  “Mom, can I have one?” Stefan asked. Stefan looked twenty. He was as tall as me, with long dark hair that went over his eyes. He always wore a beanie, black sweatshirt and skinny blue jeans. Not to mention, he suddenly had a deep voice. I remembered the first time I saw him after puberty, I had jumped when he said hi to me.

  Ethan was playing with the kids, looking over at me. He threw two thumbs-up. I mouthed, “I’m so sorry,” to him. I felt so bad for him, but he was the one who wanted to come over.

  She gave him the cigarette and lit it for him. I nodded at Ethan to join us. I could tell Ethan was about to say something about Stefan smoking, but I shook my head at him. It wasn’t worth it.

  “Are you guys, you know…?” Susan waved her cigarette between us.

  “No. I mean, I don’t know,” I told her.

  “No, we’re not,” Ethan said. He knew what she was talking about. Right now, I was feeling overwhelmed and weird.

  “I’m going to check on my dad. I’ll be right back.”

  He was sleeping. I climbed on the bed, waking him up. “I feel like she got crazier,” I whispered.

  He got up and smiled. “She’s as crazy as crazy gets.”

  “I don’t understand how she and Mom were best friends.”

  “There was a side to your Mom you girls never knew…” I overheard a bunch of mumbling and kid screams. It seemed like Ethan was having a conversation with Susan, so I didn’t rush down there.

  “Between us…it was her better side,” he whispered.

  “Her better side was her crazy side?” I asked.

  He nodded. “She was so focused on being a mother with a career that she didn’t spend much time being herself. I fell in love with a wild child who loved to party, drink, and make bad decisions.”

  “That explains why she loved Piper more.”

  “No. She just didn’t want you to grow up without experiencing life and all of its opportunities.” Dad was getting teary-eyed.

  “Why didn’t she ever tell me? I just wanted her to talk to me more…”

  “She never got the chance.” My dad broke do
wn and I started to cry. He coughed and pulled himself together. “How’s it going down there? It sounds like a madhouse.”

  “We really owe Ethan one.”

  “He’s a quiet one. I like him. I see why you do, too.”

  “I think he was just really nervous. I’m going to go get rid of her and maybe he and I can watch a movie or something. Is that okay?”

  He nodded.

  I went back downstairs.

  “Okay, Susan, Stefan…Ethan and I have to get to school,” I lied.

  “We do?” he asked me.

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, well, we have to go anyway.” Susan started to get her kids together.

  “Well, it was nice meeting you, Susan. Maybe we can talk again soon?” Ethan asked.

  I smiled.

  “Yes, of course…come here.” Susan hugged Ethan. It was a long hug. I looked at them like there was something going on between them, then she hugged and kissed me on the cheek.

  After they left, Ethan asked, “Do you need a ride to UCLA, is there something we have to get?”

  “No. You like that? You want that? Five kids? You want your fifteen-year-old smoking cigarettes?”

  “Whoa. Whoa.” He held his hands up in mock surrender.

  “I just don’t get it. Is it that she’s older?”

  “It sounds like you’re a little bit jealous.” He came close to me—really close. I looked down and shook my head. He took his finger and placed it under my chin, lifting my head up. We were inches apart. I moved in, staring deeply into his icy blue eyes.

  “I’m not jealous.”

  I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but I shoved his face away and giggled. “Want to watch a movie?”

  “I should flirt with older women in front of you more often.” He sat down on the couch and I sat on the other end. He smiled. I put my feet toward him. He looked at them and then I put them down.

  “What’s going on with you?” he asked.

  “Nothing. I felt bad that you were stuck with Susan, but little did I know you were getting a hard-on the whole time,” I said.

  “Piper would be so proud of you.” He smiled.

  “Because I said hard-on?”

  He crawled closer to me. “No, because you have feelings for a real person and not a character on a television show.” He kissed me on the cheek. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be around Susan, the kids, or me for that matter. It was that moment that I realized he really liked me.