Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  “My mom would be proud, too.” I grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips, but not like last time. This time was harder. Intense. This was for Piper.

  I pushed him off of me. “We’re just friends,” I said, and smiled. I cleared my throat and crawled back to my side of the couch.

  Present Day

  “I don’t remember anything. I mean, I remember the fingerprinting, being naked, being brought water. I don’t know how blood got on my kitchen floor or on my hands. Is my dad okay?”

  “I want to work up to what happened last night.”

  “Last night?”

  “Let’s go back to the night of the play. You saw your sister at lunchtime and that was the last time you saw her.”

  “It was a normal school day. I went home…I had a lot of homework. Dad had ordered pizza. I reminded him to record the play because I wanted to see her as Beatrice, but I didn’t want to go.”

  “Why didn’t you want to go to the play?”

  “I didn’t want to. I didn’t even want to go to school. I was terrified of being in public. Piper told me it was social anxiety disorder. She understood and didn’t mind me staying home.”

  “So, you were at home the entire time everyone was at the play. Did you see your mom before the play?”

  “No, Dad picked her up from work. I watched television. It was nice,” I choked. I remembered being happy it was just me in the house. It was like I’d secretly wished for this to happen.

  “No one saw you? No one called you or texted?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then there was a knock at the door at twelve twenty-five a.m.?”

  “I didn’t realize how late it was or I would have called my dad first. Piper probably went to a party so I didn’t expect anything from her, but it was strange because Mom had to go to work early so she should have been in bed already.”

  “You know, Portia, I want to try something with you. You’re doing great, but I want you to sit back, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and think back to the exact moment there was a knock on your door.”

  I did as she asked, but I didn’t think back to that moment. Instead, there were flashes.

  My dad.

  Blood on his hands.

  A baby crying.

  Blood everywhere—all over the baby, Dad and I in the living room against the couch.

  I screamed and opened my eyes. I started hyperventilating. I screamed again. I couldn’t stop.

  Chapter 7

  Five Years Ago

  There was someone knocking on the front door. I opened it slowly. I was still chewing a piece of pizza I had just put down on the dining room table on top of a napkin.

  It was two policemen. “Portia Willows?” one of them asked, and I nodded, still chewing. They took off their hats. I knew something was wrong, so I kind of just went into a zone. I heard them say Carol Willows and Piper Willows were confirmed dead at the scene and Richard Willows was in critical condition at the hospital. They wanted to know if they could take me to the hospital. I just stared. I didn’t even realize they had asked me until one of them put their hand on my shoulder.

  “We are sorry for your loss.”

  “Dad,” was all I said. I followed them to the police car and sat in the back. I didn’t cry. I didn’t ask what happened. I just sat there, swallowing the rest of the pizza that was in my mouth.

  When we got to the hospital, I ran up to my dad. His heart was stable. I lay next to him the entire time.

  He was in a coma for a week. I didn’t move or leave his side. Everyone we knew stopped by. I got flowers, letters, everything. Grandma said her goodbyes even though I knew he was waking up. I was in the middle of writing one of my letters, waiting for him to wake up.

  Dear Mom,

  They want to know what to do with your body. I told them to make it alive again. I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to know. I know the facts. Dad is here and you’re not. At least you have Piper and Piper has you. I’ll take care of Daddy, I promise…

  “Whatcha doing, buddy?” Dad mumbled from the hospital bed. My heart could have stopped. My whole world changed. My daddy was back. I just cried and hugged him so tight. I didn’t want to let go, ever. The nurses had to come peel me off of him.

  “I knew it. I knew it. I knew he was going to be okay,” I said, and ran out of the hospital room. I was so happy I wanted to call someone, anyone, to tell them the good news. But everyone whose numbers I knew was dead.

  “Portia Willows, I’m so sorry for your losses, but we need this paperwork signed.”

  I felt guilty for being so happy my dad was alive that I put my mother and sister’s deaths on the backburner.

  “I’ll sign the papers, but we’ll meet with the funeral directors once my dad is in recovery,” I told the woman, and gave her the paperwork.

  Someone called Susan to pick me up.

  Three Years Ago

  “Dad?” I was in the living room brainstorming an essay I had to write for school while watching TV and smoking a cigarette. Dad had come downstairs to grab a beer from the kitchen.

  “Yeah?” He sat next to me on the couch. “Are you watching this?”

  “Eh, not really.”

  He changed it to the Discovery Channel. “What’s up?”

  “Grandma hasn’t called in a while.”

  “Yeah…well, did she ever really call? We only saw her once every two years. If your mother and Pipes never—”

  “I know. I just think she would at least call you or me, unless there was something going on between you two.”

  “I’m sorry. I know you miss her. It does get kind of lonely around here.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I don’t care, she’s your mother. And lonely? After having Susan over and being around Ethan all the time, lonely is nice.”

  “So…you two…just friends?”

  “Dad, don’t even think about having the talk with me.”

  “Did we ever give you guys the talk?”

  “Nope, it was never necessary. Piper would just ask Mom questions. I tried to leave the conversations, but she always told me to stay because I should hear the answers, too.”

  “What were the questions little Pipes was asking?”

  “I’ve tried hard to forget.”

  “Eh…I guess I don’t want to know either.”

  Later that night, I was having a movie marathon by myself. I watched A Walk to Remember, Remember Me, LOL, and Stay. I was feeling super romantic. I didn’t want to be just friends with Ethan. I wanted to be something more, but I didn’t know what exactly. I guess I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted us to be a thing. I just didn’t know where to even start or where his head was at. Thinking about it made me think of Piper. I looked up articles on how to be a girlfriend. I knew it was something I was capable of, but the more I read, the more nauseated I became. I wished there was someone I could talk to about this besides my dad. There had to be someone.

  I didn’t get much sleep. All I thought about was Ethan. I wanted to be with him constantly. He was always so busy texting me where he was at and where he was going. I always wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t, and even though he never pressured me, I felt inadequate. He even went to the store for me. He did so much for me and all I’d done was give him beer.

  I went into Piper’s room. I hadn’t been in here in a while. I had stopped when it stopped smelling like her. It was more artistic than my room. She had painted the walls lavender when she was ten years old. She started to hate the color when she got older, so she covered it up with posters that she got from J-14, M, and Seventeen magazines. Her desk was still covered with the play script and the homework she had been supposed to start weeks before her death. I sat on the edge of the bed, looked around, and took a deep breath. She had a collage of pictures above her bed. I crawled to the headboard and placed my fingers there, tracing all of her different memories.

  “Piper…te
ll me what to do.”

  Maddie, her best friend, was in most of the pictures. She lived across town. I wondered how she was doing. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral.

  I lay on Piper’s bed to try and take a nap, but instead I just thought of her and everything we had done together. Starting with the day she was born. I was so excited. I wanted to be with Mom the entire time, but Mom didn’t want me in the hospital for that long, she was in labor for over twelve hours.

  After lying there for about an hour, I decided to do something I never thought I would do. I grabbed Dad’s keys.

  “Dad, I’ll be right back,” I said as I was putting on a jacket.

  “Where are you going with the keys?”

  “For a drive.”

  “Portia, you haven’t driven since you first got your license when you were sixteen.”

  “Actually, there were times I had to go pick up Piper. You guys didn’t know.”

  “Well, what are you doing? Going to pick up Piper?” he said sarcastically.

  “Kind of. I’ll be back soon.”

  I couldn’t believe I was driving. I’d only ever driven to Maddie’s house and a few other houses in the area, always with or because of Piper. It was early, but it was Saturday. Maddie could be sleeping, but I didn’t know. I had no idea what her life was like—it’d been over a year. She never talked to me when Piper was alive.

  She lived fifteen minutes past Cypress High. It was a nicer neighborhood. There were a lot more people around walking their dogs. I was anxious but felt safe inside the car. I pulled up to her driveway and smoked two cigarettes before I got the courage to knock on the door.

  It wasn’t like how I remembered. There used to be high trees bordering the yard, but now the front yard was like a garden with a pond near the door. There was even a fake bridge going across it. It was cute.

  I got out and slowly walked up the steps that went in between the yard. I knocked softly on the door. After two times, I swung back and forth and convinced myself this was a really bad idea. I walked back to my car and banged my head on the window in frustration, when I heard a voice.

  “Portia?” It was Maddie’s mother. She was a lot older than our mom. A lot more old-fashioned, too. I always liked her but I never could talk to her. I turned and smiled a little.

  “Oh my gosh, the spitting image.”

  I didn’t know what that meant, but she was looking at me intensely. I gave her a small wave and she ran up to me and hugged me. I didn’t hug her back.

  “Come in. Would you like some tea?”

  I just nodded. I had completely forgotten what I came there for and instantly regretted it. Inside, the house hadn’t changed at all. It was small but they had nice things.

  It was bright.

  Really bright.

  Sky-blue walls, light grey sofas with knitted blankets over them. There was a floral tablecloth on their dining room table. She led me into the kitchen where the stairs were. I didn’t know what to say or where to sit.

  “Maddie? Honey? Come downstairs, guess who’s here.” I started shaking. Her mom sat the tea down on the table. “Have a seat, sweetie.”

  I sat down. I could barely pick up the teacup. Maddie was walking slowly down the stairs, texting. She was wearing tight black jeans, barefoot, with a Twilight shirt and a jean jacket over it. She had short brown hair and was wearing thick black eyeliner and really dark lipstick. She looked so grown up. I guessed she must be eighteen now.

  “What, Mom?” She always had an attitude. She looked up, saw me and dropped her phone, then picked it up.

  “Oh my God. For a second I thought you were her.”

  I’d never really noticed the resemblance. Our personalities were polar opposite, so neither of us mentioned anything about it. Neither did Mom or Dad. She sat down next to me and I cleared my throat.

  “It’s good to see you. I wanted to call or visit but…” She wouldn’t look at me. She just looked down at the table. Her leg was shaking, and it was distracting me. I watched her mom look at her like she was worried. I hoped me being here was not causing them more pain.

  “It’s okay. I was just in her room looking at pictures. There was something I wanted to talk to her about and you told me if I ever needed someone to talk to…” I stuttered.

  She turned to her mother. “Mom, can you give us a minute?”

  “Of course. Let me know if you need anything, Portia.”

  I nodded and smiled. She walked upstairs, looking back at me.

  “What did you want to talk to her about?” She finally made eye contact.

  “You guys were like the same person. I remembered that in her room.”

  She smiled.

  “I know, it’s weird. We never talked besides that one time, but you’re the closest person to her and you’re still alive.” I started tearing up so I took deep breaths.

  “Take your time. I’m going to get a cup of tea.” She quickly got up. I tried so hard to relax but I couldn’t. I wanted her to be, but she wasn’t Piper. It would have been so easy for me to talk to her.

  “What is it, Portia? You can tell me. I always kept her secrets.” She took a sip and sat back down.

  “It’s not really like that. I just think I like a boy.”

  She sighed and started laughing with her head down. Then she started to cry.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah…it’s just…oh my God. She always wanted you to get out there more and she wanted you to hang out with us, and she always said that even if you got yourself a weird boyfriend, it would be cool.”

  I started crying, too. I knew Piper wanted more from me but she never said it out loud. It sucked hearing it from someone else.

  “I wanted to, but I just felt like I had the whole rest of my life, you know…”

  “Yeah, it’s okay. So, tell me about this boy.”

  “His name is Ethan Torke. He lives across the street.”

  “Wait…the guidance counselor has a son?”

  “He was living with his mother but he moved in with his dad to go to school out here.”

  “Oh, okay. What does he look like?”

  “Nothing like his dad. He has icy blue eyes, longish dark hair, and he has a little bit of scruff. He’s very tan. He loves the beach and stuff like that, but he likes me, too. He does stuff for my dad and me.”

  “Has he met your dad?” She seemed concerned.

  “Uh-huh. And he’s met Susan, my mom’s best friend. He’s my only friend, but we kissed…”

  “Oh really? Your first friend becomes your first boyfriend. Wow, now I miss Piper even more.”

  “I don’t know if I should take it to that level and that’s why I went into Piper’s room. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what I should do.”

  “She would say to follow your heart. Do whatever you feel like doing and don’t worry about the consequences.”

  “What are the consequences?”

  “You know, getting hurt, getting pressured into something you don’t want to do.”

  “Like go to the beach?” I said.

  She giggled. “She did say you were pretty funny when you did talk.”

  “Yeah, I just don’t want to end up spending too much time with Ethan when my dad still needs me, like, twenty-four seven.”

  She sipped her tea. “You can do both, especially if he’s already met him.”

  “Would you like to meet him someday? I really would like to know if Piper would think he’s cute.”

  “Girl, Piper wouldn’t care what he looks like. She would just be stoked that you kissed a boy.”

  Just then, my phone rang. It was Ethan. “Speak of the devil.”

  “Answer! Answer!” She was so excited she bit her bottom lip and smiled. Now that was Piper.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi. Where are you?”

  “Uh…Piper’s best friend’s house. Maddie’s.”

 
“You drove?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Okay, well, I was just worried.”

  “I should have told you, but I’m on my way back now.”

  “Drive safe.”

  “I will.”

  “See you soon.”

  “Yup.” I hung up.

  “Oh my God. You guys are already boyfriend-girlfriend.” She was smiling. She had stopped shaking and I could tell she was getting more comfortable with the fact that I was there. =

  “What?”

  “Only boyfriends call asking where their girl is.”

  “My situation is a little different. I haven’t left my block in over a year besides to go to school and he took me.” I started to get up.

  “Well, it was good to see you. Bring him next time.”

  “Tell your mother thanks.” I was walking towards the front door as she followed behind me.

  “I will. It was good to see you. Bye, Portia.”

  “Bye, Piper…” I left. I didn’t realize what I said until I got to the car. I looked back. She was still standing at her door. I was embarrassed, so I hopped in and raced home.

  Chapter 8

  “I’m so tired of being the girl with the dead family. I just want my dad and I to live a normal life.” Ethan and I were doing our homework on my bed when I started talking out loud.

  “What? Where did that come from?” Ethan put his pen down.

  “It just seems impossible with my anxiety and his drinking problem.”

  “It’s understandable,” Ethan said.

  “No. The thing is, we were like this before. They were keeping us together. They were keeping us normal.” He just stared at me, so I said, “I don’t know. Do you need help?” His homework looked so much easier than mine.