Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  “You sure you’re okay, hon?” He scooted closer to me.

  I quickly closed the tab I’d been looking at—the Planned Parenthood website.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “You seem different. Are you still feeling sick?”

  “Nope. I feel a lot better.”

  “Good. You’re not going to smoke a cigarette with your coffee?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “I had one earlier.”

  “Hmm…” Dad knew me way too well. I always had a cigarette with my coffee, like clockwork. I had to tell him soon or else he was going to think something worse. I hated lying to him. Whenever I lied to him, he always found out. I wasn’t good at lying like Piper always was. Ethan needed to come over, quick.

  I decided to go upstairs and write Piper a letter, something I hadn’t done in a very, very long time.

  Dear Piper,

  I miss you so much I can’t even look at someone else’s face without wishing it’s yours. I just found out I’m pregnant. Ethan is being really nice about it. I don’t think I’m going to keep it. I can’t, right? I really need you right now. I really need you to tell me what to do. What if Ethan breaks up with me? What if Dad hates me and kicks me out? I don’t even have a job. Oh, Piper. I wish you were the one pregnant. I feel like you would definitely want to get an abortion. I would tell you no just because I’m your big sister, and I wouldn’t want you to go through that. If you were dead set on having one, I would be by your side, holding your hand, the whole time. I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with having a baby without you. I love you.

  Always thinking of you.

  Your big sis,

  Portia

  There was a knock at the door. I stopped writing.

  “It’s me,” Ethan called.

  “Come in,” I said.

  He came in with his laptop and books. Like he was coming over to do homework—just this time the homework wasn’t for school.

  “Hi,” he mumbled, kissing my forehead and then sitting across from me. I smiled. “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing,” I said. I stashed the letter in the box with the others and put it away in my closet. “So…” I started.

  “I’ve been doing research,” Ethan said as he opened his computer.

  “Me, too. Planned Parenthood has horrible reviews. We can’t go to a free clinic, but I can ask Susan for some money…”

  “Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. You don’t want to have it?”

  “Ethan, we can’t!” I was taken aback.

  “I did research on how we can make this work,” he said. I couldn’t believe it. We were way too young for this. But he wasn’t joking. He legitimately wanted me to keep this baby.

  “I already have a father I have to take care of. I still have college I need to get through…how exactly do you think we’re going to make this work?”

  “We have to tell Susan, and your grandma. I have to tell my family. We’ll have help.”

  “I can’t ask them for that,” I said.

  “We can both get jobs.”

  “Me? Get a job?” I always knew one day I was going to have to get a job. I was just hoping I was going to graduate first and I would work in an office or from home. I was never going to get a part-time job. That wasn’t me. I still had panic attacks. There were so many reasons why I couldn’t have this baby.

  I really had no idea where Ethan was coming from.

  “Portia. My mom had an abortion before she had me. Sarah and I were supposed to have an older brother. I always felt like I took his place. He never got a chance at life.”

  I couldn’t believe I was hearing this right now. I empathized and wanted to comfort him, but couldn’t deal with it.

  “Oh my God,” I groaned.

  “You have to get help with your issues. Our lives are about to change. It’s going to take a lot of work, but if we are by each other’s side the entire time, we can make it through,” he said earnestly. I usually loved when Ethan talked like this. It warmed my heart. But this time, I just felt like throwing up.

  “I don’t think…I don’t know…we have nine months,” I said, panicked.

  He grabbed my arms and gripped my wrists.

  “Look at me,” he demanded. I didn’t want to.

  “Portia,” he said.

  I looked at him, but not like I usually did. I felt like I was completely alone in this. I wanted this baby out of me. Not an inch of me thought this would ever work out, no matter what we did. Susan could give us each one million dollars and I still wouldn’t be able to be a mother.

  “Let’s go tell your dad.” He grabbed my hand and stood up.

  “Can we tell yours first?” Anything to delay telling my dad I was killing this baby and I needed his help.

  “Sure…” he said.

  I’d never walked more slowly in my entire life.

  “Come on. We got this.” He pushed me gently to make me walk faster and then massaged my shoulders.

  My heart was beating so fast, I felt like it was going to explode, and I wouldn’t care because the baby would die and I would die, too. I wouldn’t have to be here.

  Portia Willows did not deal with issues like this.

  Portia Willows kept to herself and didn’t talk to anyone. She stayed out of drama.

  This was why Portia didn’t let anyone into her life.

  I wished I could say I regretted meeting Ethan, but I didn’t. I was still in love with him, just not in love with his baby.

  “Dad, Portia’s here.” Ethan called when we walked into his house. We sat in the living room.

  “Oh. Great. I’ll be right in,” he answered.

  “Can you get us some water?” Ethan yelled. I thought it was strange because Ethan never asked his father to do things. He would normally have just left me in the living room and gotten the water himself. It was sweet he didn’t want to leave me alone.

  “Deep breaths,” he whispered to me.

  “I’m fine.” I was fine. I was nervous at first, but as soon as I sat down on that couch, I realized that just because we were telling his father didn’t mean I had to have this baby.

  “How are you? It’s nice to see you.” He gave me a hug and placed a glass of water on the coffee table.

  “It’s been a while. Hasn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I guess,” I mumbled. I looked at Ethan.

  “Dad, we have to tell you something”

  “Okay…” He sat back in his chair. I drank the water.

  “Portia, uh, wasn’t…feeling too well yesterday, so I took her to the emergency room,” Ethan said.

  Mr. Torke immediately contorted his face to a worried look

  Oh, just you save that.

  Ethan was sweating bullets. I couldn’t help but wipe his face with my bare hands and then wipe my hand off on his jeans. He had been so confident two minutes ago.

  “What’s going on, boy?” Mr. Torke’s face was stone cold and hard. The way he was staring at Ethan reminded me of how my mom looked at Piper and me when we were acting out.

  “She ended up being fine, just a panic attack, but when we were there…”

  “Okay. I can’t take this. I’m pregnant,” I burst out. “You were taking way too long,” I said, looking at Ethan.

  Mr. Torke slammed his fist down onto the coffee table. “Dammit, Ethan. What the hell were you thinking?” He screamed in Ethan’s face. Ethan just stayed sitting with his head down.

  Maybe we should have told my dad first.

  “Did your mother never fucking teach you to fucking put on a condom?” Mr. Torke’s face got bright red.

  “Dad. We did. I was careful. It just happened,” he said. Ethan was scared.

  “No. It didn’t ‘just happen.’ You guys were irresponsible. What the fuck are you going to do now? You don’t have jobs. You’re in community college, Ethan. She’s sick. She needs help, and now you went and got her pregnant.” He thre
w his water against the wall. He wanted to punch Ethan, I knew he did. Ethan’s hands were shaking. I felt so terrible.

  “I’m not keeping it.” I stood up. I couldn’t let this fight go on anymore.

  “Yes, we are.” Ethan stood up and looked his dad in his face with regained courage.

  “Figure it out, but know this, I am not helping you. I helped you enough with this one,” Mr. Torke said calmly, pointing at me.

  “Dad, she’s right here. Have some respect.”

  “Clean this up.” Mr. Torke stared at Ethan with disappointment.

  “I’m going to go…” I turned around and ran.

  I burst through my front door crying.

  “Daddy! Daddy!” I ran around the house looking for him. He came running down the stairs.

  “Portia? What’s wrong?”

  I ran over to him and he picked me up like he used to when I was five. I cried so hard into his arms. He walked us over to the couch.

  “Are you okay? Are you hurt? Talk to me.”

  I sat down. I started hyperventilating.

  “Relax, honey. What’s going on? Do I need to call 9-1-1?”

  I shook my head. “No. I need your help.”

  “Anything,” he said, and put his arm around me. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m pregnant. I need you to come with me to get an abortion. Ethan wants to keep it. Mr. Torke is pissed and everything is falling apart, Daddy.”

  He didn’t say a word, just hugged me and rocked me. I felt like a little girl again in his arms.

  I wanted to be that little girl again.

  “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

  “Since I’m getting an abortion, you think it’s okay to have a cigarette?”

  He nodded and got up.

  “Better yet, relax,” he said. He came back with a beer and a cigarette.

  I instantly felt better.

  Ethan came over later after my dad went to sleep. I was lying down.

  “Portia…”

  “What?”

  “Can I lie down with you?”

  “You already got me pregnant. Nothing worse can happen,” I said.

  He lay down next to me and I turned to face him. “I really don’t want this kid, Ethan.”

  “I made an appointment for us at a women’s clinic. They specialize in helping make a decision,” he said.

  “So, you’re not making me keep it?” I got up.

  “Of course not. It’s your decision. It’s not just my life.” He was sad. He looked down at my stomach, and I could tell he was holding back tears. I knew because of how much he was blinking.

  “I’m sorry. Since you’re compromising for me, I’ll compromise for you—I’ll listen to what they have to say about keeping it,” I said.

  “I love you.” His voice cracked as he kissed my forehead.

  “I love you, too. Should we have sex or is that inappropriate?”

  He laughed and grabbed my face, pulling me into him.

  Chapter 13

  We were at a clinic on the west side. It was on the second floor of an outdoor plaza. It was a small office, or at least it looked small from the waiting room. There were huge pictures of families everywhere. Brochures galore. Ethan grabbed all of them. There was only one other girl in the room. She seemed young. She had long black hair. I felt bad that she was alone—she was too pretty to be pregnant and alone.

  I’d been out in public twice this week. Ethan thought I was doing so much better. He appreciated me going out more for him. But I hated it. I always would. I would never be able to take my kid on walks or to the park. Oh my God. I wondered if I would get over that. I’d never even asked myself if I wanted kids. I’d never even thought about it. Dreaming about the future had been Piper’s forte.

  “Can you just fill this out for me, please? It’s stressing me out,” I said, handing him the clipboard. I noticed that he didn’t ask me how to answer any of the questions on there. He knew everything there was to know about me.

  We got called in twenty minutes later. There were baby pictures everywhere.

  “Hi. I’m Ashley.” A short girl with short brown hair, green eyes, and the hugest smile in the entire world practically screamed at me.

  “I’m Ethan, and this is my girlfriend, Portia”

  “Nice to meet you both. Let’s have a seat in our secret room,” she said. She was talking to us like we were little kids, but she was extremely nice. Way too nice for pregnant me. We sat on the couch and Ethan put his arm around me.

  “First off, why don’t you guys tell me a little about yourselves?”

  “We’re both students. Portia is a junior at UCLA and I’m in my second year at SMC.”

  “UCLA. Wow. You must be really smart.”

  I didn’t know why everyone thought that. There were a lot of dumb students in my online classes. Ashley smiled with her big mouth. I shrugged.

  “So, have you guys thought about what you want to do?”

  “I don’t want it. He does,” I said.

  “I don’t feel like we’re ready right now, but I feel like if we start now, we could be ready in nine months.”

  “Let me tell you, no one is ever prepared to have a baby. Not even aspiring parents who have been trying for years. You have no idea what it’s going to be like until you actually experience it. Every baby is different. We offer classes for first-time parents, young parents, and low-income parents. We can definitely help you on this journey,” she said. It must have been music to Ethan’s ears.

  “Do you guys help with the other options?” I asked.

  “Of course. Our referrals are the best. If you want to put the baby up for adoption, we have hundreds of potential families,” she said.

  I hadn’t thought about adoption.

  We spent an hour talking about all the possibilities. Ashley was definitely gearing us up to want to keep it. It was like Ethan had given her a heads-up or something. At the end of the meeting, I really didn’t know what to think anymore. There was a lot to take in. It was extremely overwhelming.

  “Would you guys like to know the sex today?”

  I could have sworn she asked if we wanted to have sex today.

  “Yes.” Ethan didn’t even hesitate.

  I looked at him like I wasn’t sure. Ethan looked back at me and nodded.

  I nodded back. Here goes nothing.

  “It may be too soon to tell, but Nurse Lily will take great of you.”

  I timidly took off my clothes in the bathroom. I just looked down the entire time. All of sudden, I had this huge rush of fear. I was trying to keep it together before walking into the room where I would see it. I quickly slipped on the gown and opened the door. Ethan was standing right there. I jumped.

  “Jesus, you scared me.” I rolled my eyes.

  “I wanted to make sure you knew what room to go in. It’s this one.” He pointed to the door on the right.

  I took baby steps. No pun intended.

  “Hey, look at me real quick. They’re obviously pro-life here. Ultimately, it’s your decision. We don’t have to know the sex if you really don’t want to.” He placed his hand on my back and I suddenly realized why I was scared to know the sex—because if I knew the sex, I would want it. I would start to imagine our lives with a baby girl or a baby boy. I walked into the room and sat down on the chair covered in white paper.

  “I hope it’s not too soon. Too bad she didn’t tell us how long you’ve been pregnant.”

  “Well…Ashley was super nice.”

  “Yeah. She definitely made me feel a lot better.” He smiled at me as he grabbed my knee and shook it. God, who knew this would be happening to us?

  “This is way too much for me right now. I don’t want to talk about this anymore today. Ashley talked enough,” I said. Nurse Lily came in.

  “Portia Willows?” I nodded. “Birthday May 1, 1992?”

  “Yes.�
��

  “Awesome. Have you ever had an ultrasound before?”

  “No. I’ve never been pregnant before.”

  “They’re not just used for pregnancies. Just lay back and relax,” she said.

  Ethan stood up and grabbed my hand.

  “It’s going to be a tad bit cold at first, okay?” she said.

  I nodded and just looked at Ethan. I didn’t want to see the screen. I tensed up when the gel spread beneath my belly button.

  “Relax, babe.”

  “So it looks like you’re four weeks along. You can see it…right there…”

  I wasn’t going to look.

  “I don’t see anything,” Ethan said.

  I took deep breaths. I wanted this to be over so badly.

  “Right there,” Nurse Lily said.

  “Oh my God. The jelly bean-looking thing?” he asked.

  “Mmhmm.”

  “So is it a boy or a girl?” he asked.

  “We can’t tell yet. Right now, it’s a jelly bean,” she said.

  I heaved a sigh of relief and decided to look.

  “I like jelly beans,” I mumbled, and turned my head.

  She pointed to it again.

  “That’s a baby?” I asked, surprised.

  “Yep, that’s your growing baby.”

  “Wow.” For a second, I kind of cared.

  “Is there anything she should be doing now as far as making sure…?” Ethan started.

  “Well, prenatals, healthy diet, light working out, getting an ultrasound each trimester. We have a booklet you guys are going to take home that has all the information in there you need. Obviously, no drinking and no smoking.”

  Fuck. My. Life.