Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  Present Day

  “I remember…” I whispered. All these vague memories came rushing through my head like a tidal wave. I looked back at Elizabeth. I couldn’t understand.

  Ethan feeding her.

  Us napping with her.

  Her in my lap as I rocked her in a rocking chair.

  “You remember Pyper?” she asked me.

  “With a y,” I said, looking back at how beautiful she was. I couldn’t stop staring at her. I didn’t remember her being able to talk. I didn’t remember her being so big. It was like seeing her for the first time all over again. I couldn’t help but get emotional.

  Pypes had so much hair. It was curly. A pink headband held the golden curls out of her wide blue eyes. She held out her arms to me. I touched her. She was so soft. She was wearing a white sweater with a little blue dress that had pink flowers on it. It matched her headband. She touched my cheek with her tiny hand. My heart sunk and I almost melted to the floor. I couldn’t help but cry.

  How could I forget her?

  Forget having her?

  Forget she even existed?

  “Hi, baby.” I kissed her between her nose and forehead. I probably got tears all over her face.

  She looked exactly like Ethan. The structured jawline. The narrow nose. The indent above her lips.

  Oh my God, Ethan.

  “Don’t cry, Mama.” she put both of her hands on my cheek. Instead, I cried harder and hugged her tight. I didn’t want to let her go.

  “I love you. I love you. Baby girl.” I kissed her all over. I couldn’t hold it together.

  “Where’s Ethan? Why isn’t she with her father? Who are you?” I immediately got aggressive toward the lady who had been carrying her. I had no idea what was going on here. I just knew I had my baby in my arms and I want to take her home.

  I wasn’t going to let her go again.

  “She’s safe until we get everything situated,” Elizabeth assured me.

  “She needs to be with family. My dad can take her. Where is he? You brought my daughter but not my father,” I said.

  The lady who was holding Pypes looked at Elizabeth, confused. “She doesn’t know?”

  “Know what?” I backed away from her with Pyper. I could tell I was scaring her.

  “Everything’s okay, baby. Mommy’s here now.” I kissed her forehead.

  She nodded and played with my hair. “Okay, Mommy.” She smiled and placed her head down on my shoulder. Poor baby was tired.

  “Nothing. We still have a lot of work to do. We should get back. I wanted you to remember her on your own and you did, but there are still a lot of memories we need to work on,” Elizabeth said.

  “How could I forget her? How could I ever forget this face?” I cried. “What kind of mother am I?” I held her so tight. I rubbed Pyper’s back because I remembered that made her fall asleep faster. She laid her head on my shoulder.

  “Post-partum depression is common…but we need to go now.” She kept stepping closer to me and I kept stepping back. Elizabeth had a worried look on her face. I hadn’t seen this look from Elizabeth before.

  “Does she have her pink bunny?” I asked.

  “I do, Mommy.” She lifted her head up and looked at me.

  Her eyes were so big.

  How could I let her go?

  “She does. You need to give her back to me,” the woman said.

  A wave of emotions came rushing through me. I couldn’t believe I forgot her, and the second I remembered her, they were taking her away from me.

  No.

  Never again.

  I would never forget again.

  I couldn’t.

  “No,” I cried. I started backing up.

  “Portia…” Elizabeth came closer to me.

  I kept backing up. I would run away with Pyper right now if either one of them came any closer to me.

  “No. This is your fault. How could you do this to me? Where’s my father? Where’s Ethan? I want my family. Now.” I cried. Pyper started crying, too.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to leave you ever again,” I told her, wiping her tears.

  Nurses started to circle in around me.

  “Portia. Listen to me. If you want to ever see that little girl again, you need to give her back to Rachel. Right now.” Elizabeth stated with force.

  “Fuck you. You don’t even know her. Say bye, Pyper.”

  Pyper slowly waved.

  I was ready to run with her. Elizabeth could tell because by the time I turned around. She had run over to me and grabbed both my arms, locking Pyper in between us. For a split second, I thought Elizabeth was on my side, but then Rachel grabbed Pyper’s arm from behind me a second after.

  Pyper let out a huge scream.

  I turned around and saw my life flash before my eyes.

  “No. No.” I kept trying to push Elizabeth away from me but she wouldn’t let go. As Rachel left through the doors with my baby, everyone was staring at me. I fell to the floor and screamed.

  “Pyper. Pyper. No. No. Why are you ruining my life? What did I do? What did I do?” I pushed her off of me.

  “You killed Ethan, Portia.” Elizabeth glared at me and grabbed my shoulders tightly. I could feel her nails piercing into my skin.

  I stopped screaming.

  I stopped crying.

  “Or rather, you tried to. He’s barely hanging on in the hospital right now.” There were tears in her eyes. She was sad for me.

  What did I do? How? Why? No. What?

  “No. That doesn’t make any sense. Ethan is the father of my child, I love him.” My eyes shifted left and right and I shook my head. “Where is he? Is he okay? I need to see him. I don’t know what you are talking about, but if he’s hurt, I want to see him.” My voice choked. I broke down. “Is he okay?”

  “Tell me everything you remember about Pyper,” she said as she calmly rubbed my arm.

  I took deep breaths and sat down on the floor. I was exhausted.

  I just wanted to see him.

  I just wanted to know what was happening to me.

  “I’m going to give you a cigarette in the room. I want you to relax, take your time. This is not going to be the last time you see Pyper. As your psychiatrist, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you don’t have to face a single day in jail.”

  “If I help you help me, will I be able to have my family back?”

  “Yes. Unfortunately, not your whole family, but your new family, hopefully, yes.” She helped me get up. She put her arm around me as we walked back into the room. The entire hospital was staring at me. That used to be my worst nightmare, but watching Pyper leave was so much worse.

  Two Years Ago

  Ethan and I decided we were going to keep it.

  I hated not smoking and not drinking. The change in lifestyle was something I wasn’t sure I could get used to. The only real pregnancy symptom I noticed was being hungry all the time. My dad made me everything. For once, I was into his weird food combinations.

  “Spaghetti and chili, hot dog on sandwich bread…you wanna know what your mother ate when she was pregnant with you?”

  “What?”

  “Pickles and feta cheese.”

  “Do we even have feta cheese?”

  “No, we never really had it, but she made me go to the store to get her some when the cravings were really bad.”

  “I’m not that hungry for once,” I said.

  “It’s because you’re stressed.”

  “I guess. I feel like we’re in over our heads.”

  “Can you feel it?” My dad sat next to me and looked at my stomach.

  “Not at all. I was looking online and they said parents should start to feel a connection with their unborn baby after three months. It’s been over three months, I don’t feel shit,” I said.

  He laughed.

  There was a knock at the door. Of co
urse, it was Ethan. Every time he came over, he brought boxes and boxes full of crap. He loved this baby. It was sweet. Ish.

  “Looks like you don’t need me to fix you anything. I’ll be upstairs,” Dad said as he walked up the stairs. I rolled my eyes at him.

  “My mom sent over so many things. She wants to plan the baby shower,” Ethan said.

  “Baby shower?” I asked.

  “Please tell me you know what that is,” Ethan said, exasperated.

  “I do…I just…I don’t know…thank you.” I sounded stressed. I was barely wrapping my head around this as it is and now his mom was involved.

  “I know you need time, but babe, it’s been three months,” he said. He lifted my chin and kissed me. I didn’t know if it was just because I kept thinking that this father side of him was sexy, but I was getting more comfortable being sexual with him. I hated talking about our plans, I hated talking about getting a job and preparing for the baby. I just wanted to have sex with him every second. It felt even better being pregnant. I started kissing his neck.

  “I am so loving you like this.” He lifted me up and took me upstairs.

  “Be careful of my dad.”

  “It’s fine. I don’t see him.” He looked around and then kissed my neck.

  Everyone was so happy for us. Susan offered to help us financially. Everything seemed to be working out. Dad was ecstatic. Mr. Torke was still struggling with it, but he wasn’t infuriated anymore.

  I, on the other hand, couldn’t get there.

  I had seen the ultrasounds.

  We had been to the doctor more than once.

  I couldn’t feel anything.

  I didn’t understand how people could expect me to be a mother when I didn’t have mine. I didn’t have my sister. I couldn’t just bring in another life when I couldn’t get over losing two other lives that were so crucial in moments like this. I needed my mother. I needed Piper. I cried every time I thought about it. God, what they would say. Piper would be so happy. I could just see how big her smile was. Mom, oh my God, I could just see her disappointed look. Actually, if Mom were here, I was pretty sure she would have made me have an abortion. Who knows? They’re dead now. I had to figure this out myself. I was just not ready to face a baby shower that my mother and my sister should be at. I didn’t want to move on. I knew they would want me to. I knew they would be happy for me. I tried to tell myself that all the time but I needed the real them to tell me that it was okay.

  I wanted Mom to tell me that she was excited to be a grandma.

  I wanted them to plan my baby shower, not Ethan’s mother.

  I couldn’t tell Ethan. Everyone was so happy for me and I didn’t want to let anyone down. I wanted people to think I was getting better. I wanted people to think I was healthy and capable of being a mother. I knew I could be.

  I just needed time—and it felt like I was running out of it.

  Ethan and I were lying in bed and I was tired. I was getting ready to take a nap but he could tell something was up. Ethan looked at me with his worrisome eyes.

  “I love you. I love this baby. I want us to start a family. I want you to give a shit about us, about her, about yourself.”

  “Her?” I asked. We never found out the gender. I didn’t want to know. I still wouldn’t look at the ultrasound. I still didn’t want this to be real. But I knew it was happening. I just couldn’t process it.

  “Shit…”

  “You knew?” I asked, sitting up.

  “Yeah…I know you didn’t want to know yet. You didn’t even get to see her, but I did. The nurse gave me the ultrasound pictures. They’re in my room—right next to a picture of you,” he said, and sat up next to me.

  I couldn’t respond to that.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to slip,” he said as he rubbed my legs.

  “Stop. Stop being so perfect. You’re allowed to be worried, to be scared. We don’t have to have everything figured out when this baby comes,” I said, slightly annoyed.

  “When she comes.” Ethan smiled and got closer to me.

  I backed away.

  “Give me time. In the next six months, I’ll be the best mother ever. I promise. I care, Ethan. I love you more than anything. I want this. I want this with you. Bear with me, please.”

  I think.

  I wanted to think that.

  I knew he needed to hear it. He was being so good. He deserved to know that everything was okay even though it wasn’t. I kissed his cheek.

  He nodded.

  Chapter 14

  A couple weeks later, I was feeling more comfortable with the fact that I was going to have a baby. Ethan and I were in a really good place. I was up to take a walk because Ethan had read this book that said it was beneficial for pregnant women to get light exercise. Ingrid was watering her grass. I haven’t seen her since I started showing and it wasn’t like I talked to her. She stopped watering and looking at my stomach. Her hand went to her mouth and then she smiled.

  “Oh my. Congratulations, Portia. So happy for you.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, Ingrid, have a good day.” I kept walking and looked over at Ethan, smiling at both of us.

  “Susan and your grandma want to take us out to lunch,” Ethan said.

  “When did you guys exchange numbers?”

  “When we first met. Speaking of Susan, she offered me a job at your mom’s advertising company. I didn’t say yes or no. I told her I would have to talk to you first,” he said.

  I stopped walking. I didn’t know why I felt off about it. That company was the reason we still had a house and why I got to continue studying at UCLA. It just felt weird for Ethan to be working there. It made me think, Should I be working? This was legitimately the first step to our adulthood. I knew it was coming but it felt really soon.

  “You can do that and keep going to school at Santa Monica College?” I asked.

  “I’ll be getting my AA this semester. I was thinking maybe you and I could take a class at UCLA. An early childhood development class. It’ll help us in more way than one.”

  No. No. He was absolutely insane.

  There was no fucking way.

  “Yeah, sure,” I said. I hated not being able to express my feelings.

  I wanted to be able to tell Ethan that I wasn’t a hundred percent happy with having our baby because of my dead mother and sister.

  I wanted to be able to tell him that everything was happening so fast and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

  “What do you want me to do, Ethan?”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I need you to tell me what you think I should do. Do I need to find an office job or something? Do I need to completely change everything about me?”

  Because it sure fucking sounds like it.

  “No. You’re destined for greatness. You’re smart. You need to graduate and get a real job—a career. Relationships are all about sacrifices, Portia,” he said.

  “Okay, so what’s the plan? I continue going to UCLA online. We take that class together. I get a part-time office job. You have the agency job. How do we take care of our baby?”

  “I’m going to talk to Susan. You may not need to get a job, you’ll be taking care of her twenty-four seven.”

  Ethan had this all planned out. He was beginning to make me think we could actually do it. I just didn’t think I could actually be a mother, especially without my mother and sister helping. How was I supposed to raise my child to be the greatest when I couldn’t even take her out in public? There was still a lot I needed to work on before I took on someone else.

  “We need to figure out my social issues first,” I said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I need to get over my fear of going to public places.”

  “You are. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed. Look around, you’re outside. You said hi to Ingrid for God’s sake. When I first met you, you would have
never agreed to this,” he said.

  “Yeah, when I’m with you. But I still can’t actually go to UCLA. I can’t make any new friends. I can’t order my own food at a restaurant,” I said, frustrated.

  “Like you said, everything can’t be perfect.” He stopped and turned to me.

  “What?”

  “Relax, babe. We got this.” He rubbed my arms in reassurance.

  I believed him. Because he believed in me.

  Susan, Grandma, Ethan, and I were having lunch at Troy’s Bistro. The last time Grandma and I had been out together in public it was the funeral, and before that, it was never. Susan was on her lunch break so I knew no matter what, it wouldn’t last long.

  “So, Ethan, I want to bring you back with me to meet with some of the trainers. We’re going to see where we can fit you in and we’ll give you a tour,” Susan said. I’d never gotten a tour of my mom’s company. I heard they had a huge picture of her in the reception area. I really didn’t want Ethan to leave me with Grandma, but I knew he had to do this for us. He was the one sacrificing by leaving school.

  “Did you see any of those doctors I told you about in my letter?” Grandma asked me. I hadn’t opened any mail in two years. I was definitely not going to start now.

  “No, Grandma, I didn’t get your letter.”

  “What kind of doctors?” Susan asked.

  “Portia still has a lot of issues she needs to work out before she becomes a mother,” Grandma said.

  Technically, I’d needed to work out those issues a long time ago, but no one had said anything then.

  I guess I should have gotten pregnant at sixteen.

  “We all know that, but I mean I think those problems will work themselves out once the baby comes. You’ll be forced to change. I was forced to change…five different times.”

  Susan was a horrible mother.

  Susan also sounded exactly like my mother.

  I could definitely mother a child if she could. I may not be the best mother but I could keep up.

  “I’m talking about the dad issue,” Grandma said as she looked at Ethan.

  “What’s my dad’s issue? He’s fine. Grandma, don’t start, please,” I said.