Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  I did. I sat down next to him.

  “Not if you’re breaking up with her. I don’t want to hear that shit,” Dad said as he started to leave, but couldn’t resist grabbing that cute little face out of my hands.

  “Are you breaking up with me?” I definitely did not know what to expect. I just knew I was terrified.

  “No. This isn’t about us. This is about you.”

  “Okay…what?”

  “Portia, baby. I love you so much. I don’t know how to tell you this…” He started crying.

  “Just tell me. Is it really that bad?”

  He grabbed my face. He put his forehead to mine. He was crying so hard. All my anger left. I was instantly worried about him.

  “Baby…what’s wrong?” I put my hand to his cheek.

  He took my head and moved it in the direction of my father. I looked at my father, who was mesmerized by Pyper. He wasn’t paying attention to us.

  “What?”

  “There is no one over there.”

  I was confused. I looked at him, but he held my head.

  “Trust me, please.”

  He needed help.

  I didn’t know what was going on with him but it was heartbreaking seeing him so upset over something I couldn’t even understand.

  “My dad is holding Pyper, Ethan. Are you okay?” I checked his forehead. “Did you take drugs or something?”

  “No, babe, you’re still breastfeeding her.”

  I looked down and then I looked up. She was there. I’d lost a few minutes was all. I just needed sleep.

  “You need help, Ethan.”

  “I need help?” He chuckled sadly. “For five years you’ve been seeing someone who isn’t really there.” Tears rained down his face.

  “Fuck you. I’m not doing this with you again. My dad is here. Say something, Dad. He was camping in the woods, that’s why he wasn’t at the hospital. He’s not like your father. He’s lazy and he’s a drunk but he’s still a human being.”

  “The police fucking told you he was dead.”

  “No,” I screamed.

  He ran upstairs and came running back down quickly with the pamphlets from the funerals.

  “Fuck you,” I screamed as he forced the one of my father in my face.

  “How could you?” Pyper was done and I held her up against my chest for her to burp.

  “We’ve been together for over two years now. There have been so many times I wanted to tell you. Like the first time I met you. You said you lived with your dad. I stood there, knowing he was dead. Everyone knew, but I left. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. But now we have a baby. We can’t do this anymore.”

  I gave Pyper to Ethan and I ran.

  Again.

  After roaming the streets for an hour, it was getting cold and my thinking was done. I knew what I had to do. I knew the choice I needed to make. I didn’t want to believe it, but I had to. I walked in the front door, feeling broken. Ethan was sitting in the living room smoking a cigarette.

  “I was so worried about you…” He hopped up.

  “Where’s Pyper?”

  “She’s sleeping upstairs. I’m listening to the monitor.”

  I nodded and sat next to him. I wasn’t looking at him—I couldn’t.

  “How are you?” he said softly.

  “I’m sorry,”

  “It’s okay. I understand what you must be feeling right now. It’s all my fault.” He sobbed into my legs.

  “I need you to leave.”

  “What?” He let go of me.

  “My father is the only family I have left. You are not going to take him away from me.”

  He put his hands on his face. He stood up and paced.

  “This is my fault. I knew I shouldn’t have let it go on this far. Susan, your grandmother, they all said you’d just get over it. That one day, you’d wake up and you’d realize he’s gone. I waited and waited for that day.” Everything he was saying was going in one ear and out the other.

  “Believe what you want, but not in his own damn house.”

  “So, what? You’re going to take care of Pyper all by yourself?”

  “You can take her. I’ll pump.” I still couldn’t look at him. I just kept looking at my knees that wouldn’t stop shaking.

  “You’re just going to abandon your daughter like that? Jesus, Portia, think. Think back to everything.”

  “My father comes first, Ethan. I love Pyper. I really do.” I looked up, crying.

  “So don’t tell us to go.” He started to walk up the stairs. I followed.

  “I’m sorry.” I choked the words out.

  “Oh my God, you’re serious.”

  Tears started flowing, so I walked away. He started gathering his stuff in our room while I sat in the hallway and cried.

  It took him about thirty minutes to pack up. I was sitting on the steps and my dad came to sit next to me. I collapsed in his shoulders crying—maybe I collapsed on the wall.

  I didn’t know anymore.

  Chapter 19

  The next couple weeks were hard and lonely. Ethan didn’t want to even look at me, so his dad came over to get the bottles of pumped milk. It was heartbreaking, especially since Mr. Torke wouldn’t say a word to me. I missed Pyper. My dad and I drank and smoked because that was what Willows did. I would look out the window and watch them.

  Ethan’s mom came to town. While Ethan was at work, his mom was watching Pyper.

  I had no calls. I had nothing but my dad. He was worth it. He was worth all of it. Even though he would disappear here and there.

  I didn’t look for him anymore because a part of me knew.

  “What are you doing?” He handed me beer.

  “Ethan’s mom just brought Pyper home. I wonder where they went.”

  “I still don’t understand why exactly you guys broke up.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Are you going to fight for custody?”

  “I emailed Susan about it, she hasn’t gotten back to me yet.”

  “Weird.”

  “I’m thinking he’ll get over it. She’ll get older and ask where her mommy is and he’ll say right across the street and bam, I’m a mother again.”

  “And it’s all my fault…”

  “No, Dad. It’s not, don’t think that. I don’t want you ever leaving me again.”

  “I won’t, but just because I won’t leave you doesn’t mean you should leave your child.” Dad got up so fast like he was up to something.

  “Dad?” He was pacing the room.

  “March over there and demand your baby back.”

  “It’s not that easy. They think I’m crazy. They’ll send me off to a psych ward or something.”

  “Then stop feeling bad for yourself. You’re drinking and smoking way more than I am. Go back to school.”

  I didn’t drop out of UCLA, I just hadn’t signed up for any classes my last semester. There was no way I could focus on anything except for how fucked up everything was.

  Present Day

  “So he came back?” Elizabeth was jotting notes in her little black book while my head was still trying to process everything.

  “I need to see him,” I mumbled. I didn’t really know what I meant by that.

  Elizabeth looked behind me at the door. “I think I can swing that.”

  “Swing what?”

  “We can go see your family…together. Except this time, maybe you’ll remember everything.”

  “Like me hurting Ethan? You think you could make that happen?”

  “Yes. Maybe. I’ll try.”

  “Why do you care?”

  “You know, you’re not the only person who has asked me that.”

  “So? I would be in jail right now if it wasn’t for you. Why me?”

  “I’m called in on special cases. Plus, I don’t think people like you get treated fairly in
the justice system. The justice system gives innocent people the death penalty. They put mentally ill patients in solitary.” She was talking from experience.

  “What happened?”

  Tears formed in her eyes, but she blinked them away.

  “This isn’t about me, Portia. I want you to remember everything you lost these past five years. What happened to you is unfair and not your fault.” She got herself together and wiped her tears.

  “Just because I don’t remember something doesn’t mean it’s not my fault.”

  She pressed another button on the camera.

  “Can you imagine yourself capable of hurting Ethan Torke physically?”

  “No, never. I don’t even kill cockroaches or spiders. I would say, ‘Ask Piper,’ but you can’t.”

  “All right, let’s go.”

  “We’re leaving?”

  “To St. Marshall’s. It’s time to see your family again.” She got up.

  I stayed seated. I didn’t know if I was ready.

  “It’s okay…”

  When I got here, I’d expected to see my dad on the other side of the door when they let me go. I didn’t. Was he really gone? Had he been gone this entire time? I tiptoed out of the room. I looked around, half-expecting to see him.

  “My dad’s not here.” I looked at Elizabeth.

  She shook her head as she put her hand on my shoulder.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I choked.

  “You should have done this five years ago.”

  I was silent on the drive, but Elizabeth let me smoke in her car.

  “Is there still something you’re not telling me?” I asked.

  She stayed looking at the road. “Like what?”

  “I can take it.”

  “Portia, you just learned that your father is dead. Has been dead.”

  “So, I’m cured now.”

  “Unfortunately, mental illness doesn’t work like that. And technically, I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know.”

  “Great. Another memory to un-fucking-lock.”

  “Do you remember the first time you saw Ethan?”

  “Yeah. At the store, he was smoking a Marlboro Red.”

  “That’s what made you look at him?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Just making conversation.”

  “And his eyes, his build, his hair. He was way too hot to be standing outside my liquor store.”

  She laughed.

  Seeing the cemetery took me back to bad memories.

  “I need a minute.”

  “Do you still have your social anxiety issues?”

  I looked at her questioningly.

  “I read your file.”

  “And you fell in love?” I joked.

  “Pretty much.” She grabbed her purse. “Come on.”

  My heart was pounding. My arms were getting numb. I guess I still had my issues. I walked slowly after her through the door and down corridors. Elizabeth flashed her badge as we walked through a second set of doors. A nice black man at the front desk escorted us to the columbarium.

  I stopped at the doorway.

  “You ready?”

  I took a deep breath and nodded.

  “The Willows are right over here. Piper Willows is at the top. Carol Willows in the middle.” I watched as he pointed to each plaque in turn.

  We came all the way here for me to look at their names?

  “I know their names. That’s my family.”

  “You okay?”

  I stared at my mother’s and sister’s names. “My family is in a fucking wall.” I crumbled. “It’s not fair. She was sixteen years old. I’m still alive.”

  Piper would have loved the fact that she was on top, though.

  Ten Years Ago

  Piper was in so much pain. I thought she was dying. I was wiping away her tears.

  “What’s happening to me?”

  “Your appendix ruptured. You’re going to be okay, the ambulance is on its way.”

  “Where’s Mom?”

  “On the phone with 9-1-1.”

  Dad came running into the room with a warm towel and put it on her head. “My baby.” He lifted her so she could lay on him.

  “Dad, she doesn’t have a headache. Her appendix busted.”

  She was screaming in pain. Mom was at the door, unable to look.

  “How do you know that? They’re coming, baby. I promise they’ll be here any minute.” He was panicking.

  “Because I read and pay attention, Dad.”

  We heard the sirens. Mom ran downstairs. Piper was holding onto my hand so tight. I cried for her, feeling her pain.

  “Look at me, Piper. You’re going to be scared because they are going to take you away from us and they’re going to use all these medical instruments you’re not used to seeing, but you will be fine and back with us before you know it.”

  “No. I’m so scared. Don’t leave me.”

  “We are not leaving you. We will be right behind you.”

  “You’re going to be at the hospital?” She knew that was the last place I would ever want to be. My little sister was in the most pain she probably ever felt, yet she was still worried about me and my stupid issues.

  “Of course.”

  “Then I know I’ll be okay.” She took deep breaths.

  The paramedics took over.

  Seven Years Ago

  I was doing homework in my room and listening to classical music when Mom knocked twice and then just came in.

  “Hey, sweetie.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Heard you had a tough day at school today.” She sat on the edge of my bed.

  Fucking Piper telling her my business.

  “It was just an anxiety attack…wasn’t my first and won’t be last.”

  She took a deep breath. I was interested why she cared about this time.

  “If you want to be homeschooled, I’ll support that.”

  I put down my book. I was shocked. I’ve been asking since middle school.

  “Really?”

  “I didn’t realize how serious your issue was. I made a call and I’m going to get you on medication that will help ease whatever you have…I think.” This was mom trying to make sense out of her daughter not being able to walk the halls at high school

  “Thanks, Mom, but I already talked to my counselor. I won’t be able to get into UCLA on time if I switch to homeschooling…that’s why I dropped the idea.” She put her hand on my thigh. Her eyes were watery.

  “I love you. I want you to be able to talk to me. You don’t have to get your sister to tell me things.”

  “I don’t. She just does.”

  She smiled and walked away.

  “Hey, Mom?”

  “Yeah, sweetie?”

  “I love you, too.”

  Present Day

  Underneath theirs was the name Richard Willows.

  The man pointed.

  I looked away.

  “You accepted that your mom and sister died five years ago, Portia. Why didn’t you accept your father did, too?”

  “I don’t know…I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t imagine it.”

  “I need you to understand something that might be really hard. I need you to stay strong,”

  “What?”

  “Your father is going to stay there.”

  But I had seen my dad wake up from the dead before.

  I nodded anyway.

  I was terrified to read his name. I knew he was dead but I didn’t think I was ready to accept it.

  “I’m right here.” Elizabeth assured me. I took a deep breath and stepped forward. I touched the plaque.

  “That’s not him.”

  Six Years Ago

  Dad was yelling at Piper for some reason. Piper fought with our parents at least three times a month, but this time Dad sounded really
mad, so I decided to listen.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Smoking? Drinking? I should ground you for the rest of your fucking life.”

  “I wasn’t. I was around people who were.” Piper wouldn’t smoke a cigarette, but she probably did drink a little.

  “That doesn’t make it any better. I raised beautiful, smart children to make the right decisions. When you see someone pulling that shit, you walk away.”

  “But, Dad.”

  “But nothing. You. Walk. Away. You are not going to this dance. You are not going to any football games. You’re in rehab for the next thirty days.”

  “Rehab for not doing anything, for saying no?” Piper was livid. Dad was being really harsh. I felt so bad for her.

  I opened my door, they both stared at me in the hallway.

  “That’s unfair, Dad.”

  “Stay out of it, Portia.”

  “You’re just mad that I’m not like her. You don’t want me to have a life just like her!” Piper yelled, and stomped out.

  “If it makes you feel any better, Sis, Mom is always mad I’m not more like you.” I couldn’t be mad, I knew she didn’t mean it. “We’re not going to be able to please both of them, ever.”

  “Both of you. Rooms. Now. Before I start saying shit I regret.” He stomped down the stairs.

  Present Day

  “This is where they’ve been? This entire time?”

  Elizabeth nodded.

  I walked out.

  Chapter 20

  One Year Ago

  For the past year, Ethan would visit with Pyper for hours at a time once a week. Maybe more, if I was lucky. I was just food to Ethan. His daughter’s mother. I could tell he’d fallen out of love with me. To be honest, that hurt more than losing Pyper.

  I saw him coming over through my kitchen window. She was walking. I rushed to the door.

  “Oh my God! Look at you!” I bent down with a huge smile. “Hi baby,” I wrap my arms around her tightly. “I am so proud of you. I missed you so much.” I kissed her forehead. “I love you, don’t ever forget how much I love you.” I picked her up.