Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  “She needs to be fed.”

  “What? Still?”

  “Yeah my mom says it’s still a good idea.”

  “Your mom is in town?” I had known, but I didn’t want it to seem like I was spying on them.

  “Yeah, she’s been helping with the baby.”

  “I miss you, Ethan.”

  He didn’t say anything, just pressed his lips together and tears formed in his eyes.

  “Can I take her just for one night? I can do it. I know I can.”

  “I have to ask my mom.”

  “Ethan, she is our child.”

  “I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

  “She’s my daughter, Ethan. I miss her. Please.”

  “Okay, but I stay, too.”

  I smiled and nodded.

  “You get to stay with Mommy tonight.” I kissed her forehead. I walked backed into the house. Ethan came in and looked around.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” He looked around again. “I see you went back to drinking and I smell you went back to smoking.” He tapped his fingers on the table.

  I pulled Pyper away from my boobs and pulled my shirt and bra back on.

  “Wait. Don’t say anything. You’re going to blame it on your father.” He looked over at the television. “Does your father mind if I change the channel? Is he sitting on the couch right now?”

  I didn’t recognize this Ethan. I stood up and grabbed Pyper’s toy and threw it at his head.

  He dodged it. “Where is he, Portia?”

  “You know what, take her. I am not doing this.”

  “Okay. When you decide to accept the truth, let me know. Your daughter will be waiting.” He grabbed her. Pyper started crying.

  My heart started to constrict. I’d never felt anything like this before. This wasn’t Ethan. This wasn’t happening. He wasn’t taking my daughter away from me. I slid down the cabinets and sobbed on the kitchen floor. My dad never came down to see if I was okay. The pain of being alone was overwhelming. The pain of everyone abandoning me was overwhelming.

  Ethan was gone.

  Pyper was gone.

  Mom and Piper were gone.

  My dad wasn’t here.

  Present Day

  “What did you do this past year?” We were back in the room. The video camera was on. I didn’t answer. I stared at the corner on the wall, wondering what I did.

  “Portia?”

  My heart started to beat a little faster. I stood up and walked around the room.

  “I don’t remember.” I stopped and stared at her and the camera.

  “You don’t remember what you did this past year?”

  I shook my head.

  “Portia, this part is really important. This case is most likely going to trial. This past year plays a pivotal role in what gets you free.”

  “I think that’s when I forgot about Pyper.” I sat back down. “Ethan betrayed me. He took Pyper away from me. It broke me, and then the rest is just a blur. I think I just went back to living my life.”

  “You started school again?”

  “Yes. I was happy. I think.”

  Six Months Ago

  “Dad! Aerial Cities is on again,” I yelled upstairs, holding two beers and a pack of cigarettes, one already in my mouth.

  “What city are they doing?”

  “I don’t know yet. You still have that bag of Doritos?”

  “Yup. Bringing them down now. You got me a beer?”

  “Of course, Dad.”

  He came over and plopped down next to me.

  They were doing New York.

  “You ever thought about going back to school?” Dad asked.

  “Yeah. I have. It would give me something else to do. I feel like we’ve already watched every television show that ever existed.” I grabbed a Dorito, “Mmm, I wonder if we still have that dip I got from Ralphs that was on sale.” I got up and ran to the kitchen.

  “I love that you drive places now. Speaking of, you want to take me to the hardware store tomorrow? I want to try to fix that faucet in your bathroom.”

  I heard what he said but my eyes were focused on the window watching Ethan get out of his car. He had gotten a new one. He pulled a little girl out of the backseat and she ran inside the house. It was like she lived there. Sarah was living there full time, too. Did Sarah have a baby? Whatever. I grabbed the dip and sat next to Dad and watched New York.

  “Is that a no?”

  “What? Oh, yeah, sure.”

  “You okay, honey?”

  “Yeah. It’s just weird. Mr. Torke has a full house now.”

  “I saw that. And I think he’s having an affair with Susan.”

  “Ew. Wait, first of all, you mean Susan is having an affair with Mr. Torke. Second, why do you think that?”

  “I’ve seen her over there a lot. Plus, when Ingrid came over to bring us that casserole, she mentioned it. Remember?”

  “Oh yeah, that was delicious. Maybe I should go over to Ingrid’s this weekend. I’m bored.”

  “Okay, but after you take me to the hardware store.”

  Twenty-Four Hours Ago

  It was the most normal day. I was cleaning up the house, reminiscing about when I first met Ethan, like I always did. It sucked not really knowing what happened between us. I just remember one day, we looked at each other across the street and it was like we were complete strangers.

  There was a knock at the door. I turned off the vacuum. It was Susan with a few papers in her hand.

  “Hey.” I backed up to let her in.

  “You’re cleaning. I’m surprised.”

  “Why?”

  “Every other time I’ve seen you, you’ve been drunk or passed out. I’m surprised you’re alive.”

  “Well. I am. What’s up?”

  “We’re selling the house. We have to.”

  I could have sworn I physically felt my heart crack as she passed me the papers.

  “I knew this was coming.”

  “What did you expect was going to happen? You abandon your daughter. I thought for sure you were going to be a better mother than me,” Susan stated.

  “What are you talking about? I don’t have a daughter.”

  All of sudden, her anger softened. She backed up.

  “Is that why you haven’t asked about her, haven’t demanded to see her?”

  “Susan, I don’t have time for this. I’m tired. I’ve been cleaning all day. How much time are you giving us?”

  “Fuck.” She sighed and paced around. She took out her phone.

  “Get over here now. No. Ethan. Get over here. We need to tell her now. Bring Pyper.”

  Piper? What the fuck?

  Tell me what?

  Piper was still alive?

  “I can’t believe I let this happen. You should have stayed with me. I should have put you away. None of this would be happening if you were just put away!”

  Dad hurried down the stairs. “What’s going on, sweetie?”

  I shrugged.

  “Is your dad here right now?” Susan asked.

  I looked up at him.

  There was a knock on the door. My heart started to pound. I put down the papers before I got to look at them. My dad came over to me. I held onto him.

  “They’re scaring me.”

  Susan opened the door. Ethan Torke was in my house again. He had a full beard—he looked different. It felt like it’d been years. I took a deep breath. I put my hand to my mouth. I had missed him so much.

  “Daddy?” a little girl came crawling around his leg. I backed away.

  “Who is that?” I mumbled, and looked at my dad.

  “What?” Ethan looked shocked and then looked at Susan.

  She nodded. “Yeah. That’s what’s been going on over here.”

  “What do we do?” Ethan asked.

  I grabbed my dad’s hands.

  �
��We tell her the truth and then she needs to go somewhere.”

  He nodded.

  “You need to do it Ethan. You owe her this.”

  “Ethan?” I cried. What was going on? Was she giving my house to Ethan? Fuck no!

  “Mommy doesn’t look sick.” the little girl whispered to Susan.

  “I’m going to take her back home.”

  “No. I want to stay,” the little girl cried.

  They left.

  “Can we sit?” I looked over at my dad. He walked away. Ethan and I sat next to each other on the couch.

  “I missed you so much.” I couldn’t help myself.

  “I missed you, too.” He looked me in my eyes. Something was different. They were still icy blue but they weren’t innocent anymore.

  “Listen to me…I did something bad, like really bad.”

  He started to cry. “What is it?” I wiped away his tears. I don’t know how I was supposed to feel about Ethan. All I remembered was that we were in love once.

  “Five years ago, the night of the school play, I was here, in Los Angeles. It was important to Sarah for my mom and me to come down. She made the school play the biggest deal. I was going through a really hard time myself back in Florida. I was depressed and lonely. Mom thought it would be a good idea for me to come back to California to see if it would help me get out of my funk. Sarah’s play was the perfect excuse.” He choked on his words.

  “Okay…”

  “My mom and I got in the stupidest fight. I don’t even remember what it was about. I went and got drunk, and lost track of time. Once I realized it was so late, I felt awful about missing the play. I rushed over to the school so I could see Sarah and apologize to her.” He started crying even harder.

  “I drove to the school drunk.”

  “Ethan, why would you do that? You could have killed someone.” I grabbed his hands.

  “I did.” He broke down. He let go of my hands and buried his head in his lap.

  My eyes widened.

  “It was your family. Portia, it was my fault. Your family died because of me.”

  I froze.

  “I hit them and their car flipped.”

  I stood up and backed away.

  “I am so sorry. I just fled, and never took any responsibility for what I did. When I came back to live with my dad, he mentioned that the family across the street had been killed in a car accident…I knew immediately. I was going to apologize to you in person. I had to live up to what I did.”

  My heart stopped.

  I struggled to breathe.

  I looked up at dad. I could tell all he saw was red.

  Present Day

  “I’m very proud of you. You’ve made tremendous strides.”

  “I guess. I still don’t know how I ended up here. One minute, Pyper was in my arms, we were making our little family, and the next, she didn’t exist.” I choked. “And now I’m here with you, and my whole family is dead because of Ethan.”

  “We’re almost done. Tell me now how you feel about Ethan?”

  “I loved him. He’s a better parent than I could ever be. He’s everything to me. That’s why I don’t understand how all that could have been his fault. Why didn’t he tell me? How could I not know? No one ever told me that a drunk driver caused the accident. How could I forget the most important things that have happened to me?”

  “It’s not your fault you thought your dad was alive. People just didn’t know how to deal with it. There was no way they were going to tell you that it wasn’t just an accident.”

  “If they had, do you think I still would have hallucinated my dad?”

  “There’s no way to tell. PTSD looks different on everyone, especially with someone who already struggled with extreme social anxiety disorder.”

  My head started to hurt. It was excruciating. I crunched up my face and buried my head in my hands. I wanted the pain to stop.

  “You okay?”

  I shook my head.

  “We are so close, Portia.”

  I kept shaking my head. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I just want to go home.” I cried. “Can we please stop?”

  “We can today, but it’s just going to happen again. We are going to trial. Rose Harper is—”

  “Why? Why? Why? I hurt Ethan. I know. I did something really bad but what?” I stood up and started screaming, “What? What, Elizabeth? Just tell me. Stop all this. Why are you doing this to me? I was fine. I was doing just fine. Now, my whole family is dead because of the one guy I ever loved. I forgot that I had a fucking daughter. Everyone helped me live this lie and now I am going to jail.” I gave up. “Just take me. I don’t care. I just want this all to stop.”

  “Portia. Do you want to see your daughter again?”

  “Yes, of course. More than anything.”

  “You love her, right?”

  “Yes.” I couldn’t even see straight. My eyes were so swollen. My head was pounding.

  “Then sit down and remember.”

  “No. I don’t want to,” I screamed. It was starting to come back. “Please don’t make me.”

  “Remember.”

  “No,” I screamed.

  “Remember.”

  Chapter 21

  Twenty-Four Hours Ago

  “I offered to help with your grocery bags because I wanted to get to know you—to see for myself if you were okay. I was going to apologize right then and there, but when I realized you had no idea what had happened, I felt like I had to do something. I had to be there for you. I couldn’t tell you the truth because it was my fault and I ended up falling in love with you…” I was just staring at him blankly. “But believe this…I really fell for you. I fell for you hard. I never loved someone so much in my entire life. I still love you. I love all of you. Since the moment I first saw you, which made it even harder for me to tell you the truth.”

  He knelt at my feet, sobbing. I backed up, still not taking it in.

  Out of nowhere, my dad hit him with a baseball bat.

  The one we always kept by the door.

  It was a metal bat.

  The one we never touched.

  “You son of a bitch. You ruined my life. You took everything away from me.” My dad screamed, striking him over and over again. Ethan didn’t fight back, he just ran. He ran towards the kitchen. He kept trying to grab things to throw in my dad’s way. Soon, Ethan went down. My hands covered my mouth as I looked at his bruised and bloody body and for the first time realized the damaged he’d done to my family.

  I wasn’t even crying.

  I stood there watching my dad brutally beat the love of my life.

  There was blood everywhere. I finally got myself together and knew I had to stop him. I jumped on top of Dad, trying to pull him off or get the bat away from him.

  I screamed at him to stop. He was so angry and so heavy. It was so hard to get him to stop. I just kept screaming. He had blood all over him. I put myself between my dad and Ethan.

  “Drop it,” I commanded. I was something else. Maybe someone else.

  Dad dropped it. I ran to Ethan and lifted his head. He was coughing up blood.

  Holy shit, this was bad. He was barely moving.

  I looked around.

  Blood all over the kitchen floor, all over me, all over Ethan.

  “I’m so sorry. Ethan, please stay with me,” I cried. I didn’t know what to do so I screamed for help at the top of my lungs.

  “I love you,” Ethan mumbled, drawing what seemed like his last breath.

  Mr. Torke, Susan, and that little girl came running inside the house.

  The little girl slipped on the blood and fell.

  “Daddy. Daddy,” she was screaming and crying, trying to crawl over to him, sliding through the blood.

  Ethan had a daughter?

  “Oh my God! Oh my God!” Susan screamed, and went to pick up the little girl.

  Mr. Tor
ke grabbed me. “You fucking bitch.” He grabbed my arm so tight and threw me to the other side of the room so hard my back hit the back of the couch, cracking it. It hurt, but if Ethan died…nothing would be more painful than that.

  “It’s okay, son. Susan, call 9-1-1. Now.” Mr. Torke cried into Ethan’s bloody body.

  I just sat on the floor, stunned.

  “No. No. What did you do?” I screamed at my father.

  “Get the baby out of here…” Mr. Torke screamed at Susan.

  “Stay with me, son. Please don’t die like this. I love you so much. I am so sorry. I should have been a better father. I should have protected you.” He rocked his dying son in his arms. Susan went upstairs with the little girl while she was on the phone with 911.

  “We’ve got to go,” Dad said to me.

  “Dad. No. We can’t. I have to make sure he’s okay.”

  “Do you want to go to jail? Let’s go now.” He grabbed me. We ran out the door and hopped into the car as fast as we could.

  “No. Susan! She’s leaving. She’s getting away. Get her! I don’t want to leave my son.” Mr. Torke screamed from inside.

  I was in the car with my dad sobbing as my boyfriend was dying on my kitchen floor. I looked in my rearview mirror. Susan was chasing after us.

  Chapter 22

  Present Day

  “How could I do something like that? I can’t even think it. Even if my father was still alive and he did that, how could I leave them like that?”

  “You remember everything now?”

  I thought so.

  I felt even more broken.

  I was not a human being.

  How could I live knowing the things that I’d done? Knowing I had literally no one left.

  I’d fallen for the one person who took it all away from me.

  “It’s okay, Portia. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now. This is the hardest part. We are almost done. I just need to ask you a couple more questions.” Her voice sounded like she was underwater again.