Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

“If your father hadn’t been in your head that night, how you would have reacted to learning Ethan was responsible for the accident?”

  How could I even answer that?

  “I don’t know. Five years ago, I probably would have wanted him arrested. But I wouldn’t have hurt him, right? I don’t know. I don’t know.”

  I started rocking, crying.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

  Tears started flowing. “It still doesn’t make sense to me—but I would have given him the chance. He was the father of my child. I think I would. I know I would. I would have never hurt him. Maybe a slap. I probably would have slapped him. Hard.”

  “That’s completely understandable, Portia. Do you feel remorse for what you claim your father did?”

  I nodded. “Now that I think about it, I don’t even think my real dad would have reacted that way.”

  “That’s it. You’re done.”

  “What do you mean I’m done?”

  “I have to take all of this to the DA’s office. I have to present your case to your attorneys. Good news is that you have Rose Harper. You are in really good hands.”

  No. We couldn’t be done. She couldn’t just lay all that on me and leave.

  Where the fuck was I supposed to go?

  What the fuck was I supposed to do?

  “Wait…how’s Ethan?” I was almost too embarrassed to ask.

  “He’s alive. I don’t know for how much longer. It’s bad. I’m not going to lie to you. I will keep you posted on his status.” Elizabeth stood up to leave.

  “Hey, one thing…”

  “Yes?” Elizabeth tilted her head.

  “My dad told me a story. He told me a lot of stories these past five years. One was super specific though, about a girl he got pregnant—Betty Byers. How could I know that if he didn’t actually tell me that story?”

  “How do you know that story is true?”

  I should have known I was just going to be more confused.

  “Everything is going to be okay, Portia Willows.”

  I closed my eyes and pictured everyone in my life that I had lost.

  I couldn’t picture my father.

  “There is no way I lost him.” I shook my head. I looked back at Elizabeth, waiting for her to tell me everything was a joke.

  How was my brain capable of making up my whole life?

  She hugged me tight then two security guards came in.

  I already knew where this was going.

  As I was being walked through the hallways with my hands behind my back, I felt defeated, exhausted, crazy, lost, and nothing—all at the same time. They took me downstairs, at least four floors. That’s when it got scary. There weren’t any windows, just concrete. The nurses looked like they dealt with hell.

  They put me in a solitary room with white walls, a toilet, and a twin bed.

  One blanket, one pillow.

  I sat there shaking until a nurse came in with a tray in her hand.

  “These are your pills for the day.” There were six.

  “Are you serious?”

  “You were prescribed these.”

  “Six? I need to take six?”

  She didn’t answer.

  Holy shit. I was fucked up.

  I was seriously fucked up. I was bat shit crazy.

  I tried to kill my boyfriend. I still might.

  Holy fuck, I was living in my own Lifetime movie.

  A Few Weeks Later

  If anyone tells you they got used to solitary, they’re lying. Elizabeth kept me in the loop about Ethan and Pyper. He was doing better. I didn’t hit him hard enough to break any bones but did cause a lot of internal bleeding and he was in a light coma. Rose Harper came to visit me to ask me the same questions over and over again. I was originally charged with attempted murder with a deadly weapon. It might change depending on his condition.

  Honestly, I was guilty. Call it whatever you want. I deserved to spend the rest of my life in this room. I took pill after pill. I was exhausted all the time. I sometimes slept for over twenty-four hours. I had dreams that my family was still alive. They were painful.

  The door opened. It was Elizabeth. I smiled and sat cross-legged on the bed. She had a bunch of papers in her hands.

  “Hi.” Her pity for me was obvious. It was disgusting to look at.

  “Stop.”

  “Stop what?” She brought in a chair and sat down.

  “With that face. You feel so bad for me, but don’t. I deserve this.”

  “You do not. Stop thinking that way.”

  “Thinking that way makes it a lot easier.”

  “We’re going to get you out of here. No one can’t stop talking about your case. It’s on the news and everything.”

  “No way.”

  “Look.” She handed me a newspaper. It was the LA Times: “Young Girl Hallucinates Dead Father for Five Years.”

  “Great. I’m going to be a laughing stock.”

  “This time, the media is working in your favor. No one can understand why people let you live like that for so long.”

  “None of that matters. I almost killed Ethan. That’s a fact.”

  “But you thought your dad did it.”

  I looked over to the side. A moment went by.

  “Hey, I wanted to ask you something, off the record.”

  I looked back at her.

  “You ever see your dad again? In here?”

  “No,” I said sternly.

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “Because I know he’s dead now. Trust me. I want to see him again. I tried. I call out for him. Nothing.”

  “It’s probably the medication.”

  “I hate taking it. I don’t feel real.”

  “I know. That’s pretty common.”

  Elizabeth took a deep breath.

  I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me.

  “You know, it’s okay if you don’t get me out…”

  “I know. But I will. I promise.”

  “You can’t promise me that. Rose doesn’t promise me anything. None of this would be happening if I had just believed.”

  “Stay safe in here, okay?” She gave me that sulk again.

  I shook my head. “I will. I’m fine. Go.”

  Elizabeth was all I had now.

  “Sweetie. Sweetie.” A whisper. I woke up but was still half asleep. I saw my dad’s face. I backed away.

  “No. No. Dad. No.”

  I had taken my pills. What the hell was going on?

  “I’m back, honey.” He smiled.

  I looked at him but he looked…different. I knew he wasn’t supposed to be here. I knew something was wrong. I started crying.

  “Don’t be scared.”

  “Dad, you have to go.”

  “Why? Haven’t you missed me?”

  “Yeah. I do.”

  “Then come here.” He reached out is hands to me.

  “You are not here.” I kicked him away from me and just like that, he disappeared. I started crying.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Come back. Come back. Please.” I stood up. I twirled. Nothing.

  “Dad, I’m sorry.”

  He came through the wall, but he was like a ghost this time. I couldn’t touch him. I couldn’t feel him. I barely could see him.

  “Dad?”

  He didn’t speak.

  “I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you.” Then he solidified again and went to hug me. I hugged him back and cried in his arms. I held him so tight. When I left his arms, I looked him in his eyes.

  “You have to go.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Dad. You are dead. You died.” I was sobbing.

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Please, don’t make this hard. I don’t want to say bye either. I have to do it for Pyper.”

  “Th
en don’t.” He grabbed my arms.

  I jerked them away.

  “Dad. Stop.”

  He stopped.

  “Go. Now. Go.”

  He stood there.

  My head started pounding. The room felt like it was closing in on me. My arms went numb.

  He kept staring at me.

  I kept shaking my head. My knees became weak.

  “Go. You are not here. I love you so much, Daddy!” I grabbed him. I kissed him on the cheek. He laid his head on top of mine. We stood there in silence for several minutes. I took a deep breath and then pushed him as hard as I could through the wall.

  “I love you,” he said right before he disappeared.

  I knew I was never going to see him again.

  I collapsed screaming. I punched the walls. I kicked the bed. I banged my head against the door.

  Eventually, I knocked myself out.

  Chapter 23

  Two Months Later

  “Fuck no. Not wearing that.”

  “You want to wear those white scrubs to court?” Elizabeth snapped. She had visited me at least once a week. Our friendship grew whether or not she would ever admit it. She wanted me to wear slacks, a blazer, and a button-up. Gross. My mom never wore clothes like this and she had to look professional at all times.

  I snatched them and started changing in front of her.

  “You nervous?”

  “No, I’m restless. I’ve been waiting for this day for months.”

  “Yeah, we all have. It’s a media frenzy at the courthouse right now. Are you prepared?”

  “You mean to have a bunch of cameras in face? Of course. I do it every day.” I finished buttoning up my shirt.

  Elizabeth held up the blazer for me. “You look great.”

  I took a deep breath. “I am nervous to see Ethan, though.”

  “I bet.” She squeezed my shoulders. “Come on, we don’t want to be late.”

  “You weren’t kidding.” The amount of people with cameras was unreal. “There’s no way they are all here for me.”

  “They are, Rose should be here any minute now.” Elizabeth was trying to look through the crowd for her.

  I took a deep breath. I couldn’t get out of this car. My legs felt numb. It was coming on again.

  “Elizabeth, I’ve been in solitary for months. This…” I gestured out the window. “I can’t.”

  “I know, but you have to.” She got out the car. I immediately started freaking.

  “Back up. Give her room.” I saw Rose. She opened the door.

  “Come on. Let’s go.”

  No. No.

  Elizabeth grabbed my arm. Rose was on my right. Elizabeth was on my left.

  “Just look down and walk.” The whole world was surrounding me with their cameras and asking me questions.

  “Why did you do it?”

  “How did you see your dead father for over five years?”

  “Who helped you?”

  “Do you feel bad?”

  “Do you still love Ethan?”

  That one stopped me in my tracks. I looked up to see which one had asked me that.

  “Don’t say a word and keep walking,” Rose instructed.

  It felt like the steps to the courthouse were five hundred miles long.

  We got through the doors and it was instant silence and relief. I took deep breath.

  “First hard part over with. Now let’s go kill this case.” Rose smiled. She never smiled.

  I looked at Elizabeth.

  “I’m right here.” She put her hand on my shoulder.

  The courtroom was just like television except not as nice and way more people. I saw everyone I knew walking in—Susan, Gary, Stefan, Grandma, and Ingrid. What the hell was Ingrid doing here? Maddie and her mother. I started to get even more nervous.

  There seemed to be hundreds of people there, but the only person I saw was him. If my heart could have physically broken out of my chest and rolled down the courtroom, it would have happened then.

  He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in a long time—like he missed me—then his eyes shifted away quickly. I sat on the left side of the court room at a table with four chairs. Two guys sat with Rose Harper. I’d never seen them before. I couldn’t bear to look at Ethan. He looked great for having almost been killed by me a few months prior. There was a lot of chatter going on. I closed my eyes and wished I was back in solitary.

  This was awful.

  “All rise.”

  We all rose.

  This was really about to happen. I looked over at Ethan. Tears pooled in my eyes.

  How did I get here? I used to be a high school student who didn’t talk to anyone. Now I was in a courtroom trying not to go to jail. I couldn’t hold it together. Tears kept coming down and I kept wiping them away.

  I wanted to be strong.

  Rose approached the jury. Everyone looked at how high her heels were. She had a remote in her hand and pressed a button. It was a family photo—we were all smiling. I couldn’t look.

  “This is Portia Willows. She was seventeen years old when her entire family died in a car accident caused by Ethan Torke. She has extreme social anxiety disorder, meaning it is paralyzing for her to be in public. She did not have any friends. She never went anywhere. The only people she ever talked to are in that photo.” She paused. “Now they are gone. On top of her extreme social anxiety disorder, Portia suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Doctors, who are here and whose testimony you will hear in the coming days, say that it is extremely likely for someone with these characteristics to develop psychosis and a dissociative state when left untreated.” She stopped and looked every juror in the eye.

  “It was left untreated all right. For five years. Ladies and gentlemen, for five years,” she held up her right hand, “Portia Willows was hallucinating her father because her mind couldn’t fathom that her entire world was gone because of that man.” She pointed at Ethan. “Because he decided to drive drunk. But we are not presenting that case. What we are presenting is that he had a plan to apologize and admit what he did…but he didn’t. Fine, don’t tell her that it was your fault. You guys can understand that, right? But can you understand not telling her that no one was living in the house with her? That the father she introduces to her boyfriend, no one else can see? Instead, they fall in love, conceive a child.” She paused. “Eventually, the truth comes out. Portia strikes. Yeah, she did. She attacked Ethan Torke and it was brutal and she is extremely remorseful.” She looked over at me. I was already crying because of the photo. “But what did you expect would happen? She was sick and not just Ethan, but everyone in her life took advantage of that.” She nodded and walked away.

  Ethan’s lawyer looked exactly like his dad. Rich, white, old. His name was Richard Samson. I remember because Richard was my dad’s name.

  I just said “was.”

  “Ethan Torke made a mistake five years ago. But Ethan gave Portia a life. He may not have apologized at the time, but what he did for her was so much more than words. He did favors for her. He would clean her house…”

  What? He helped me clean twice. I think.

  “He took care of her. Portia was an alcoholic. She drank and smoked cigarettes every single day. She was not the innocent, shy girl the prosecution is making her out to be. Ethan took her under his wing. He saw a broken girl who was not taking care of herself and he helped her, he tried to get her help, he got her to stop drinking and smoking. He never told her the truth about the accident because he recognized her fragile state. Instead, he apologized in actions. Along the way, they fell in love and they did conceive a child—a child that she abandoned.” He stopped right in front of the jury. All twelve of them looked at me like I was a monster. “They claim Portia ‘forgot’ she had a child. How is that even possible? Are we going to use mental illness as an excuse again? Just because someone doesn’t see things the same way the rest of us do does not
mean they get off. At the end of the day, Portia Willows took a metal bat and struck Ethan fifteen times. Fifteen times.”

  I could not stop crying. This was brutal. I wanted it to stop.

  I didn’t see the point. I was pleading guilty—just take me to jail.

  I wanted to go back to solitary.

  Why did we have to go through this?

  Elizabeth said I should get visits with my daughter. Thank God they didn’t let her come to court.

  A police officer was taking the stand. I recognized him but couldn’t remember why.

  “Detective Riley, you were called to the Willows house October 9, 2015 for a missing person report.”

  “That’s correct.”

  “But you didn’t make the report?” Rose asked.

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  He looked down. “Because the report was for Richard Willows, who was already deceased. We told Ms. Willows, but she didn’t believe us.”

  “How was Ms. Willows, the house? Anything out of the ordinary?”

  “Portia was clearly upset. Someone she cared about was missing. I remember her boyfriend was there.”

  “Is he in the courtroom today?”

  “Yes.” When asked to identify him, he pointed at Ethan. “He seemed like this was a normal state of affairs. He told us everything was okay.”

  “Did he tell you that his girlfriend thought her deceased father was still alive?”

  “Objection, leading,” Richard Samson yelled.

  “Why leave?” Rose asked.

  “Excuse me?” Detective Riley looked confused.

  “Portia was in distress. A young boy tells you to leave and you left. Were you sure she was safe? Did you establish Ethan was her guardian? Why would you take his word that everything was okay, and Ms. Willows was safe?”

  Detective Riley coughed. “We had another call—a burglary. He seemed like he had it all handled. We left in a hurry.”

  “No further questions, your honor.” Rose stomped back.

  “What just happened?” I whispered to Rose.

  “He’s an unreliable witness. His testimony is trash.” She threw down her pen.

  Another police officer took the stand. It was the police officer who arrested Da—me. This was the police officer who arrested me in the woods when I fled.