Stir Until Petrified

by Theda Vallee

  Nerina giggled behind me letting Mr. Muscles know we’d arrived. Turning his attention from the stove top, his jade eyes met mine. A small grin played across his plump lips before moving into a broad smile that stretched across his face, highlighting his death-defying cheekbones. While he wasn’t my type with all those muscles, and thighs as thick as barstools, he was something to behold.

  “You’re up! Perfect timing! Who loves cottage cheese omelets?” he said in a spitfire staccato. “Hi, teammate! I’m Brady. I cannot believe I missed all the action. Of course, the week I’m on vacation is the week the new girl gets munched on by phantom monsters. Just my luck. Sit down, you’re going to love this!” Brady was a flurry of hands and wings as he plated the concoction he’d been cooking. There was no way he was able to inhale air between words.

  “Dolce, I’m so happy you have woken up. You look better. Sit. Eat. This nice boy from your work has made you food.” Nonna smiled at me from the kitchen island where she stood, rolling out dough. She was nonplussed by the behemoth fairy bouncing around her kitchen. Since when did she just let strange Osservatori fairies into the house, let alone let them cook in her sacred kitchen space?

  He set the omelet on the table motioning for me to sit. I limped over, having no choice but to do as ordered. He stood off to the side with hands on his hips, an expectant look on his face. I had a feeling he’d stand there staring at me until I took a bite of his creation. I was afraid to try it. I’d never heard of a cottage cheese omelet. It sounded disgusting. My stomach growled its protest at my hesitation. There was no way I’d be able to pretend I wasn’t hungry now. Jerk stomach! I picked up the fork, cutting off a piece. I placed the fear-inducing concoction into my mouth, chewing slowly, waiting for a burst of rancid flavors to leave me retching.

  “This is really good,” I said as I shoveled a second forkful into my mouth. Cottage cheese omelet where have you been my whole life? It was like a pillow of delicious wonderment in my mouth.

  Brady threw himself into the chair next to me clapping in delight as I steamrolled through my new favorite breakfast food. “You like it! Everyone does, but I’m always nervous the first time someone tries my food. I’m so excited you’re up. I’ve been dying to meet you. This is going to be so much fun! I mean, a strega who doesn't know how to use her powers. You’re going to be a mess for a while. It’ll be like living in our own reality show.”

  “I think it’s going to be more dangerous than exciting. This omelet really is unbelievable, though,” I said, choosing to forgive his joy at my expense now that he was the only person in the world who knew how to cook my new favorite food.

  “I’m dying to hear all about you. What makes you tick, Violetta Massoni?” Brady cocked his head peering at me like he was trying to see into my soul.

  “You can call me Etta.”

  “Etta? How very nineteen forties of you. I love it. Good God woman I can see why Mr. Bossman is all in a dither about you. You’re a sexy little number. Curvy pin-up girl body, all that hair. Those cheekbones. Your eyes are sinful, and don’t get me started on those lips! This family has some good genes.” He winked at Nerina ensuring her she was included in the club.

  “Thanks.” I blushed, tucking my chin down trying to avoid eye contact. I’d never had someone openly critique my looks. It was flattering but also disconcerting. “So, where’s Luc? He’s been MIA for a few days.”

  “That cane bastardo is not welcome here,” Nonna broke in over Brady’s non-stop chatter. I hoped he didn't understand Italian because she’d just called his boss a mutt. “I’ll not have him near my home.”

  Brady seemed utterly unphased by her open disdain of his boss. “You heard her. No Mr. Bossman allowed. Your grandmother’s so fierce. I want to be her when I grow up. Love you, Nonna.”

  He blew kisses at her from the table. Nonna smiled at him indulgently, swatting at his air kiss like she was shooing it away.

  “How many times have you been here since my accident?” I asked. Nonna was never this sweet to strangers.

  “Just since this morning. Why?” he asked his eyebrows arched in question.

  Nerina choked, trying to stifle a laugh. One look at her face told me she was just as confused by our grandmother’s apparent affection for the gregarious fairy she’d just met this morning.

  Before I could ask any more questions the I Dream of Jeannie theme song started playing from Brady’s pocket. He leaped up from his chair, grabbing the phone. “One-minute, dear. I have to take this.”

  Nerina finally released the laughter she’d been valiantly holding in the entire conversation.

  “I feel like I was just thrown in a blender on high. Do you think he always has that much energy?” I laughed.

  “It’s got to be all those muscles. All that adrenaline from working out has to go somewhere,” Nerina said between fits of giggles.

  “You two stop it. He’s a nice boy, who is very polite. If Etta must work with that cafone who’s name shall not cross my lips, then at least she has nice Mr. Brady to look after her.” Nonna scolded us.

  Nerina looked at me, a mock sober look on her face. It was everything I could do to keep from dissolving into a fit of laughter. If I was a betting woman I’d put money down that Nonna had decided to embrace Brady just to spite Luc.

  “Sorry, ladies. That was an adorable little genie I’ve been trying to convince to go on a date with me. Cross your fingers. I’ve never been inside a genie’s lamp!” Brady said, returning to his seat.

  “You can go into a genie’s lamp like visiting someone’s apartment?” Nerina asked.

  “Yes, ma’am, you sure can. I’m dying to see what the inside of one looks like. I promise if I get in I’ll tell you all about it. How you doing on that omelet, Etta? Mr. Bossman is waiting for us. We’ve got training to do.”

  “Training? I just got back on my feet. I don’t think I’m in any shape to start training.” I whined like a child running my hand over the aching scar underneath my yoga pants for emphasis.

  “You’ll be fine, kitten. You’re using your magic not your leg.” He scooped up my empty plate, winking at me as he did.

  I looked over at Nonna hoping to see a telltale scowl of disapproval on her face. Surely, she’d think that training the day I got out of bed was ludicrous. She smiled at me benignly.

  What a traitor!

  I turned to Nerina. She’d been my nurse this past week. She knew how bad my injury was. If anyone could argue that I wasn’t ready to leave the house, let alone train, it would be her. She simply shrugged her shoulders at me before deciding that there was a spot on the tablecloth that needed her undivided attention.

  Traitors! The whole lot of them! I had a feeling there’d been a meeting behind my back, where everyone decided that my training was going to need to start ASAP. Like it was my fault I’d accidentally been sucked into a dream realm and chewed up by magical dogs! Fuck.

  Twenty minutes later we pulled up in front of a swank glass and metal monstrosity that stood out like a sore thumb against the tranquil backdrop of the Pacific Ocean. I understood wanting a house with beach access but at least have the decency to make it work with the natural surroundings. This house was a militant assault on mother nature’s perfection.

  I hopped out of Brady’s Jeep, relieved to have a moment of reprieve from his non-stop verbal barrage. He had more energy than I was capable of dealing with my first day out of bed. I followed him into the house, anxiety bubbling in my gut. I had no idea what training would entail but I was certain I wasn’t going to like it.

  The inside of the glass fortress was meant to be impressive, but it left me cold. Why do people live in homes so devoid of warmth? A stark white color palette permeated the entire house. Gunmetal accents were thrown in occasionally, some designers attempt to alleviate the dizzying effect of the achromatic world they’d created. It reminded me of the Osservatori headquarters.

  While the rest of the house left me wanting, the wall to wall windows that
made up the entire backside of the house took my breath away. They opened to a pristine beach, with waves rolling in carelessly as the backdrop. I could stand here for hours watching the living work of art.

  “How’re you feeling?”

  I shuddered as the soft lilt of Luc’s accent made my insides mushy. Damn you hormones! Damn you to hell! I should’ve brought Nerina. If his voice could make everything tingle like that, I needed a chaperone to ensure I didn’t strip down naked and beg him to show me to The Promised Land.

  “Sore,” I replied, working to ensure my inner horndog didn’t seep into my voice. Forcing myself to turn from the stunning view, I pivoted to face him. Dark circles had taken up residence under his eyes. Stubble shadowed his normally clean-shaven face. Whatever he’d been dealing with this week had taken its toll on him. Even with the traces of stress written across his face he still looked delectable. “You look tired.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair letting his breath out slowly. “You look a little worse for wear yourself.”

  “I’ll take How Not to Charm a Lady for one hundred, Alex,” Brady said, rolling his eyes at Luc’s lack of grace. “Don’t worry, Etta, you look stunning for someone who was mauled a week ago. Can we dispense with the awkward small talk and get this party started? I can’t wait to see what she destroys today.”

  “I don't want to destroy anything. I’m worn out from my last magical mishap.” I grimaced at the thought of having to heal from anything else this week.

  “You’ll be fine, we’re going to start out with the basics. Stuff you should’ve learned as a child,” Luc said.

  “Great, I’m in witch kindergarten,” I said.

  “Maybe we should go down into the sand. There’s a lot of glass up here,” Brady said, gesturing to the windows as if we weren't aware they existed.

  “Good idea.” Luc headed out the glass patio doors. Brady and I followed him across the wooden deck to a ramp that led directly into the sand.

  As we stepped into the sand, Brady scooped me up cradling me to his chest. “Sorry for not warning you. I just realized this sand was going to be murder on your leg.”

  Maybe Nonna was right. He seemed sweet. I should trust her judgment. It was rarely wrong. It remained to be seen though how he behaved when the Osservatori asked him to do things that were against his nature, like kill me. We trudged through the sand until we reached a fire pit that was a good distance from the house. Brady set me down gently on one of the driftwood benches that were scattered in a circle around the pit.

  “The first step to controlling your magic is learning how to interact with it. You were born with the magic inside of you. Brady, as a fae, was born with the ability to draw magic out of his surroundings. It’s a very important distinction. What you and I have inside of us is an actual entity. It has a sense of self. You need to figure you how to work with it to wield it,” Luc said jumping into magic lesson without any ramp up.

  I knew I was born with magic but the thought of it having its own consciousness gave me the creeps. The idea of connecting with the resident in my body and developing a relationship did not sound fun. Was it a male or female? Did it watch me shower? So many questions! I may never be able to use the bathroom again.

  “Etta, are you paying attention? This is important,” Luc’s said, tapping his foot in irritation.

  “Sorry. Lost in thought. So how does one go about getting in contact with their inner magic child?”

  “Most of us start building that relationship when we’re children. We grow up together. The magic strengthens, becoming more in tune with the witch as the years pass. Together they learn how to work as one entity. It’s going to be a bit of an uphill battle since you let your magic sit mostly unused for the last twenty-six years. You’ll have to start at the very beginning by finding your magic and starting a dialog with it.”

  “Start a dialog? Like Hey, magic, how’s it going? How do you like living in my capillaries?” I said.

  Brady snorted, trying to maintain a straight face. He was much quieter when his moody boss was around.

  “It’s your magic, you can say whatever you like. You just need to start somewhere. Keep in mind that some magics can be very dominant. They’re not as willing to work in tandem with their host. We can start out gentle but if it’s anything like mine was, it may need a bit of a stern hand when dealing with it,” Luc said.

  I could barely wrap my head around talking to the magic in my body, let alone that I’d have to somehow parent it. I wasn’t cut out to be the mother of magic.

  “Let’s start by trying to connect with your magic. I want you to close your eyes. Then envision the inside of your body. Somewhere inside of you is the reservoir where your magic resides. By meditating, and turning your mind’s eye inward, you should be able to find it. I want you to picture yourself slowly checking your body from top to bottom until you find it.” Luc demonstrated by closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

  He made it sound so easy. I sighed but closed my eyes. I’d never meditated in my life. How did you just tune out the world and delve inside yourself?

  I let the warmth of the sun settle into my bones relaxing me. Taking a deep breath, I tried to focus on the sound of the waves rolling in and out. If I could start with focusing on just the waves, I might be able to get inside my own head. I began by imagining what being inside my head would look like. As I focused the image became solid. A thousand little webs of light threaded in front of me, my interpretation of the neural pathways in my brain. The ocean sounds disappeared. I was left standing in a squishy mass of brain, watching electrical pulses fire all around me.

  I cautiously trod through my gray matter on the hunt for a path that would lead me to the rest of my body. Hopefully I’d know my magic when I saw it. Following the outer edge of my skull, I found a tunnel. It led under my eye and past my nose, down into my throat. I tiptoed along my throat an irrational fear of crushing my windpipe and choking myself making me over cautious. Just because this was in my imagination didn't mean that some magical mishap couldn’t happen. I made my way to my lungs, sliding down the veins that interconnected everything like tunnels in a cave system.

  This was just like a movie I used to watch as a kid. A guy was shrunken down and shot into someone's body. He had a spaceship though. I had to hoof it. After a thorough sweep of the lungs, I continued down. I had a suspicion that the magic was somewhere near my stomach. The energy felt like it had originated deep in my belly the last few times it’d come out of hiding.

  After what seemed like an eternity I made my way into my torso. As I’d suspected, just slightly underneath my stomach I spotted my magic. There was no mistaking it for what it was. A pulsing light that crackled with electricity; it moved around like a snake slithering in its confined space. It was a mass of gold, silver, and purple lights all flickering frenetically. It was beautiful.

  The magic noticed my presence and stopped pulsing. I froze, afraid it would disappear if I scared it. We stood a few feet apart both of us waiting to see what the other would do. I guess since I’d come looking for it, I’d have to make the first move.

  “Hi. So, you’re my magic. Nice to meet you finally.” The light flashed in response. If it had a face I’d swear it was staring at me suspiciously. “Thank you for helping me when I was attacked by those dogs and that asshole Bob. I appreciate you stepping in.”

  The light moved forward, inching a little closer to me. It seemed pleased with the compliment. That was a good sign. Maybe this was going to be easier than we thought.

  “I’m sorry I never came to introduce myself before. I was afraid. You probably know all the shit that’s happened in my life. I’ve been kind of a mess for a long time, but things are different now. It’s time that you and I figure out how to be a team. Our life is going to depend on it. I don’t know if you understand what the Osservatori is, but I work for them now, and that means things like the dogs might be happening more often.” I inched a little closer a smil
e plastered to my face.

  The light backed away from me warily before full on bolting behind a hanging organ and out of sight. Lovely. My magic was acting like an abused dog. I only had myself to blame. I’d kept it locked away all these years. How’d I expect it to trust me?

  “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a crappy strega. You have every right to be upset with me waltzing in here asking you to help. I’d be skeptical too. Maybe even angry,” I said working to keep my voice as soothing as possible.

  The magic peaked around what I guessed was my appendix flashing weakly before popping back out of view. How did you get through to magic with hurt feelings?

  “I’m going to be back in a few minutes. I need to go check on something really quick.” I opened my eyes without waiting for a reply. The glare of the midday sun scorched my corneas. Luc and Brady sat looking at me expectantly.

  “I found her.”

  “Her?” Luc said, his eyebrows raised in question.

  “I don’t know, it just hit me that it seems like a her.” It somehow made sense once I said it out loud. My magic was a girl. “She’s not too willing to cooperate. I think she’s pissed at me for the years of neglect.”

  A buzz of energy circled low in my gut. It felt like I’d swallowed a handful of angry bees. My magic seemed to agree with my assessment of the situation.

  “Maybe we should just call it a day. You can get in there over the next few days and work to gain the magic’s trust,” Brady said standing up to leave.