Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  Chapter Six

  Aaron

  “Walt says Dirk is really impressed with you,” Granny Rae said as she looked around my small space. It was a mess, I’d be the first to admit it, but it was just me, so there was no reason to fuss over it all. To be honest, I didn’t care.

  “He heard talk of getting a permanent replacement for you on the routes so you can work in the shop full time.” The idea of being able to build things instead of delivering them every day did appeal to me. I’d spent the last four days tucked away in a shop alone, with only a few visits from Dirk’s wife and one from his daughter. It was nice to have the quiet while doing something I loved. Most days, the quiet brought on the visions and memories I just wanted to forget, but this was different. The smell of the wood, the sounds of the sanders, they brought me a sense of peace. I’d managed to whip through more than I’d thought possible just because I’d gotten so lost in the quiet and the tasks, time slipped away from me. It felt good to escape for a while, almost like I could breathe again without it physically hurting me to do so.

  I was so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t realized how quiet Rae had become. Looking up, I found her staring at the floor near my bed, and I wondered what it could be that had caught her attention.

  “What did you find? A severed head?” I attempted humor, which was something I rarely did. But I had to throw it out there every once in a while around her or she’d tend to worry.

  “How long are you gonna keep doing this to yourself?” Immediately, her voice took on that saddened tone I knew too well. Bending down, she grabbed something off the floor and then turned to face me.

  A bottle of bourbon, with only a swallow left, was in one hand, and an empty beer bottle was in the other. Shame filled me to my core, and I looked away, unable to handle the look in her eyes.

  “You can’t drown it, and you can’t wish it away.”

  “I can try.” My voice was hoarse.

  “You’ve been trying for years, Aaron. Even before the accident, you were always running from your demons.”

  I didn’t want to do this. Not now. Not ever, really.

  “None of what happened that day was your fault.”

  Apparently, Rae didn’t care if this topic was rough on me. She was and always had been a determined woman. There were absolutely no biological ties between us, but she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. She took me in when both of my parents failed me. She fought the system and refused to let go of the little boy she said she fell in love with the moment she pulled into her driveway and saw me playing trucks in my own front yard. Granny Rae was my savior, and though I wanted to tell her to stop and refuse to listen to another word she had to say, I just couldn’t. There was no possible way I could ever disrespect her. She was the only family I had. She was my mother, for all purposes intended.

  “It was an accident, Aaron, and no one had any warning it was about to happen. There was nothing anyone could have done, and you holding on to this guilt and anger you feel is only going to drive you to the point of no return. You were Ivy’s hero.” At the mention of my little girl’s name, my chest grew tight. My throat burned to the point I felt as though I couldn’t take in a satisfying breath, and the room seemed to be closing in around me. “You were the best daddy that sweet little girl could have ever wished for, and I know she wouldn’t want you to feel the way you do. She would want you smiling and laughing. She would want you to live.”

  I remained quiet. Frankly, I wasn’t even sure I could have spoken had I wanted to.

  “I know you miss her.” Her voice sounded closer. “I miss her.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” I finally mumbled as I took in a deep breath and fought against the urge to crumble.

  “Just say you’ll try.” I felt her hand rest upon my shoulder, and my body shook, unable to fight it any longer. “If you need motivation, then do it for Ivy. Stop remembering the bad and celebrate the good. You may not have had as many years as you’d hoped with her, but during those you did have, the two of you shared so much. Like two peas in a pod, the two of you created so many things to cherish.”

  I knew she was right, but as a father, it was almost impossible to accept. I was supposed to protect her. I had one job, and that was to keep her safe, and I couldn’t even do that.

  “I’ll try.” I said this knowing it was nothing more than a lie, but I needed the conversation to end.

  “That’s all I can ask.” I felt her lips press against my temple just before she offered me a gentle squeeze. “And maybe for you to clean this place up too. It’s a pig pen.”

  I smiled when she nudged my side.

  “Reminds me of your room when you were a teenager.” I was always getting hassled for my wreck of a room. “Minus the bottles of booze, though, I did find some trashy magazines hidden between your mattresses a time or two.”

  “I told you. Those weren’t mine.” I stood and pulled her in for a hug. “I was just holding on to them for Derek so his mother wouldn’t find them.” I smiled when she pinched my side, and her body shook with laughter.

  “I may be old, boy, but I ain’t gullible.”

  I wished I could be like this all the time. Reminiscing about old times, laughing, and feeling free. I wished I could offer what she asked and think of nothing but the good when it came to Ivy, but I couldn’t get the images of that day out of my mind. I wanted to. Believe me, I did. But they were there, embedded deep, almost like they were now a part of me.

  ***

  I pulled up to the shop at a little after five a.m., which was the same time I had been getting there for the last couple of weeks. I couldn’t sleep, so I figured, why not get a jump start on my day?

  It was still dark out. A single light was on above the engraved sign on the side of the building, which read: DUSTY CREEK DESIGNS.

  Sliding my key into the handle, I stepped inside and found that the lights were already on. Looking around in search of who may have been here, I only found a thermos sitting on the countertop with a note attached.

  It’s hazelnut. I’ve noticed it was the one you always tend to make over the others.

  Have a good day, Faith.

  I held the sticky note between my fingers and looked over her words again and again. I’d barely spoken to her. We’d only met a few times, yet she had taken time out of her morning to bring me a thermos of coffee.

  Instead of throwing the note away, I tucked it into my pocket and grabbed the thermos. Unscrewing the lid, I breathed in the aroma of hazelnut, and without even thinking about it, I smiled. She was right. It was my favorite, and a memory hit me of Ivy wrinkling her nose when she leaned over my cup, breathing in the scent of my coffee. “Eww.” Her sweet voice was so delicate. “That stinky, Daddy.” I laughed as I lifted the cup to take another drink.

  Then, I realized, while still holding the thermos in my hand, that I’d thought of my daughter without the overwhelming feeling of guilt.

  Stepping around the counter, I grabbed the mug I had left there and tipped up the thermos, filling the cup. The woman with the gorgeous green eyes rolled around in my mind, and again, I found myself grinning as if I could no longer control the urge.

  Getting my day started, I gathered up the doors of the cabinetry that were supposed to be shipped out in two weeks and got to sanding.

  The sounds of the radio I’d turned on filling the background, I got lost in my work once again. I hummed along to the radio then caught myself when I noticed how lax I had become. This was all new to me, strange even.

  I placed the first cabinet door on the rack and gathered up the second one, powering on the sander once more. Running it over the surface lightly, I breathed in the scent of oak through the mask covering my mouth. I could never get enough of the smell.

  As I finished the second door, I set the sander down and reached for my cup. Pulling down the mask, I took a drink and closed my eyes as the nutty flavor hit my taste buds.

  “I see you found your
coffee.” My body jerked in surprise at the sound of her voice, and I looked up to see Faith standing in the entryway of the shop. She wore those same fuzzy-ass boots she had worn the first day she met me here, only this time, they were accompanied by a pair of snug jeans and shirt—a shirt that seemed to bring attention to certain assets, though I tried my best to keep my eyes from lingering for too long.

  “Thanks,” I said, clearing my throat and looking away briefly to regain my composure.

  “It was no problem. I was up anyway.” I redirected my attention to her just as she ran her hand along the flat surface of the wood I’d slid through the planer just last night. “I was up early developing some images.”

  I’d heard her, but honestly, her meaning didn’t register.

  “I’m a photographer,” she added, and I nodded. I wanted her to leave, yet I wanted her to stay too.

  “I actually just signed a lease to rent a space you may know.”

  “Where’s that?”

  “The old location of Granny Rae’s quilts.” She smiled proudly, and again, I found myself staring at her, the way her eyes lit up and the curve of her lips, which showed off just a small fraction of her perfect teeth. “I was told you two are related.”

  “We are.” I placed my mug on the counter and gave her nothing more. The details of Rae and my relationship weren’t important. To everyone else, we were family; she was my mother.

  “Well, I won’t keep you.” Faith began to back away as she looked around with a somewhat nervous look on her face. It honestly just added to her beauty; she was a very attractive woman. “I just wanted to make sure you got your—” She stumbled a bit when her boot got caught on the rug but quickly recovered. The redness of her cheeks gave away her embarrassment. “I’m gonna go before I break something,” she looked at anything but me, “like a leg or maybe even an arm.” A grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. One second, she seemed so confident and commanding and the next so shy and unsure. Maybe her confidence was only brought out when it came to her father and the need to care for him, which again only enhanced her beauty.

  I shouldn’t have been thinking about the things I was, but it was impossible to rein in those thoughts.

  “Thank you again for the coffee.” Her gaze met mine. “You’re right. Hazelnut is my favorite.” I didn’t know why I felt like I needed to offer her reassurance. Maybe the uneasy look on her face was part of it. I didn’t like seeing it there. It weakened the effects of her smile.

  “Well, who knows?” She shrugged. “Maybe you’ll find another thermos waiting for you tomorrow.”

  Something passed between us, and I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time—excitement.

  “Have a good day,” Faith offered with a wave, and I gave a simple nod in return. I watched as she stepped outside, and even when she turned to close the door behind her, our gazes met once more.

  If only I could have offered her what a woman like her deserved, but I wasn’t that man anymore. I wasn’t looking to settle down and build a life with someone. That time had passed for me. There would never be another family or another wife. It was a journey I couldn’t take. Not again.

  Chapter Seven

  Faith

  “It’s really coming along.” My mother looked around as I led her through the rented space. Temporary walls were being added, for not only a dark room but for a studio too. The front of the shop would serve as a display area where I could show off some of my best work. There would be a waiting area, as well as a reception desk. And just beyond would be an office where I could set up my computer, complete with all my editing equipment.

  It was all coming together quite nicely, and early today, I had made not only one but three business decisions. I wasn’t completely comfortable with all of them. Hiring Deanna as my assistant may have left me feeling slightly nervous. She was my friend, but there had to be a line that separated friends and business associates. I just hoped she would remember that. The other two, I was actually quite excited about. I was about to venture into the world of school photography because the high school had booked me for their upcoming prom. Also, a large number of senior photo sessions followed shortly after that. Finally, I would shoot my first wedding four weeks from now.

  Everything seemed to be falling into place.

  “Here come the men with your father’s gift.”

  I turned around to ask my mother what she was talking about just as the front door of my store opened. Walt was the first one to enter, followed closely behind by a man I hadn’t gotten the chance to meet yet. But, honestly, the only person I could see was Aaron.

  He remained solely focused on the dolly that held a tall cabinet. It was about five feet tall with doors that held a handcrafted design. In the center of the doors was a fancy D, for Divine, the name of my business. I shot my mother a quizzical look, and she smiled knowingly as she pointed toward Aaron.

  “Where would you like this?” The voice that ran through me like an electric current regained my full attention, and I stared at him, looking like a crazy girl. Instead of answering him, I pointed toward the reception area, and he moved past me without even a glance.

  I followed behind him, still completely in awe of the masterpiece he had created. Stepping up to his side, I ran my hand along the smooth side of the cabinet, and he paused, allowing me to examine the cabinet. It was gorgeous—the perfect addition to the front of the store.

  “You made this?” I already knew he had, but it was all I could get out at that point.

  “It’s nothing.” He tried to pass it off, but he truly had no idea. I was the daughter of a woodworker. I knew an amazing creation when I saw one. This was not something he had just thrown together. It was so much more. The delicate design in each door, the way the corners were rounded and beveled, it was unique and screamed craftsmanship. The stain was a honey oak, matching the rest of the woodwork throughout the store.

  “It’s everything,” I whispered, and my gaze wandered over to meet his. It was then that I noticed Aaron was watching me.

  I felt my face heat up, and I pulled my hand back a little too quickly, hitting the edge of the cabinet in the process. The pain from the impact shot through my hand, and I grabbed it quickly, pulling it to my chest.

  “Are you okay?” Aaron didn’t wait for me to respond before he took my hand in his own and examined it closely. My breath hitched as he glided his palm over my hand and turned mine and looked it over thoroughly.

  “I’m okay.” The crackling of my voice was something I had no chance of hiding.

  Aaron looked up, his gaze locking on mine, and we stood in that exact position as he still held my hand in his own. My heart rate sped up, and so many different thoughts and fantasies rushed through my mind. The way he looked at me with those dark, penetrating eyes, I felt like he could see deep into my soul. It was somewhat life shifting. I had never had that type of reaction to any man my whole life.

  “Be careful.” His words jarred my thoughts, and he released his hold on me. He was no longer looking at me, and for a moment, I wondered what it was that I had said or done to make him go from hot to cold so quickly.

  “Honestly, I can’t thank you enough for this. It really is beautiful.”

  “I said it was nothing.” He placed the cabinet securely in the corner and opened the door and began to anchor it securely. I watched, still feeling like I had whiplash from his sudden shift in mood. “I’ll be out of your way in about ten minutes.”

  I wanted to tell him there was no hurry and that if he wanted to stick around all day, I’d be okay with that too. I wanted to ensure him that him being here was welcomed and in no way a bother, but I sensed those were things he didn’t want to hear. Instead, I stepped back and got back to busying myself around the space. Soon, I found myself in my office, organizing my computer and equipment.

  I hadn’t even realized how much time had truly passed until my mother and Deanna appeared in the doorway of my office, asking if I was about d
one for the day. I looked up from my space on the floor where I was framing some of my favorite images of the surrounding areas of Gillette then back to the clock on the wall behind me.

  “It’s after five?”

  “You’ve been hiding away in here all afternoon.” I wanted to tell my mother I wasn’t hiding, but it would have been a lie. It was most definitely the first thought I had when I came in here: to avoid the dismissive way Aaron acted earlier. But then, I honestly got so caught up in what I loved doing, I’d lost track of the time.

  “I think I’m gonna hang out a little longer.” My mother smiled, and I didn’t miss the way Deanna wrinkled her nose. “You two don’t have to stick around, though.”

  “I’m not leaving until you leave.” Deanna walked in and plopped down on the floor beside me, triggering a laugh from my mother.

  “Like a scorned child who just got told she couldn’t have another slice of pie.” I bit my lip as I took in my best friend’s pouting slump.

  “I said I was all in when I accepted this offer, and I am.” Arching my brow, I silently questioned her. “I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t rather be somewhere drinking my favorite beer or glass of wine, but damn it, if you are here, so am I. Now, tell me what you need me to do.”

  “Have fun, girls.” Mamma offered a little wave before she backed out of the doorway and walked toward the front of the store. “I’ll lock the door on my way out,” she hollered back just before I heard the bell above the front door chime.

  Holding out an empty frame, Deanna took it, and I pointed to the image I had taken of the sunset as it glistened on Dusty Creek.

  We sat for at least five minutes with only the sounds of the photos and frames clicking in the silence. Then, it all happened so quickly, I couldn’t stop it.

  “What are these?” I looked up to find Deanna holding up not one but two photographs of Aaron. I moved quickly but not quick enough, and she leaned back, holding them out to her sides. “What, are you a creeper now?”