Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

“Faith Eleanore Billings.” My mother using my full name only meant that she had picked up on my foul mood. “Aaron is going out of his way to offer you help. The least you can do is thank him.”

  “It’s no trouble at all.”

  Oh, how sweet of him.

  Such a gentleman offering assistance to the woman who wanted to do nothing more than rip his head off his shoulders.

  “I really can do it on my own.”

  “You and I are gonna have a little talk later about manners.” My mother gave Aaron an apologetic smile and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Stop being such a stubborn mule,” she whispered. “Aaron is kind, and spending a little time with such a handsome man may just do good for your less-than-happy mood.”

  I closed my eyes tightly and did my best to bite back the words I wanted to respond with. Somehow, telling my mother that the sweet man she was referring to had devoured me with deep penetrating kisses only forty-eight hours ago then dismissed me like yesterday’s garbage didn’t sound like such a great idea. So instead, I gave him a forced smile.

  “I’ll see you there.”

  Aaron said nothing in return. He instead offered me a nod before backing away and walking to his truck, which was parked near the front of the shop.

  I took in a deep breath, gave my mother a little wave, and closed my car door.

  The entire drive into town, I ran the words I wanted to say to him over and over in my mind.

  He is an ass.

  Fine. He didn’t want me in that way. So be it. But why, why would he kiss me the way he did? When things got heavy fast, he pretended he hadn’t started it and then stated that it never should have happened. The problem was I could not get past the humiliation I felt. How was I supposed to look him in the eye and pretend he hadn’t made me feel like I wasn’t enough?

  To hell with him. I was enough. In fact, I was so much more than just enough.

  Deanna was right. He should feel lucky I even gave him the slightest of chances to get that close to me.

  By the time I reached the studio, I was seething. I’d decided I wouldn’t waste a moment more of my time on a man who didn’t deserve the effort.

  I parked along the curb and climbed out of my car just as Aaron slowed to a stop behind me. I didn’t look in his direction as I stepped onto the sidewalk and moved toward the front door. Placing my key in the lock, I twisted it and used the little wooden wedge just inside to prop open the door.

  When I turned around, he was there, holding my bag in hand and staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. “You can just set it down there.” I pointed to the floor just inside the door and tried to step around him, only he didn’t allow it.

  Aaron sidestepped and blocked my path. “I really am sorry.” His words were just barely above a whisper, and they instantly triggered a burning sensation within my chest. “I never meant to—”

  “I said you can put the bag down there.” Again, I pointed to the empty space behind me. “There isn’t a need for conversation. Apologies aren’t necessary.”

  “Yes, they are.” Why must this man choose now to be so chatty? He’d spent weeks after I first arrived home ignoring me and looking away every single time we’d made eye contact. He had no qualms treating me as though I were invisible then, so why couldn’t he just go back to that pattern now?

  “Faith…” He reached out, and I held out my hand to stop him from touching me. A low exasperated breath escaped him. “I know what you’re thinking, and you couldn’t be more wrong.”

  “You have no idea what I’m thinking.”

  “You feel as though me pulling away was somehow related to the fact that I wasn’t attracted to you.” I looked toward the ground, refusing to give him even a sliver of acknowledgment that he was right. “That, somehow, me saying what took place between us shouldn’t have happened because you weren’t enough.”

  “As I said, you have no idea what I’m thinking.” The wavering of my voice could not be hidden.

  “Then tell me.” I hated that we were as close as we were. I wanted him to back away. I wanted him to leave. I was having the most difficult time staying in control of my emotions. “Because I can assure you that me stopping things before they truly got started was because of me and not you.”

  “How sweet of you, but the problem was you didn’t stop them before they started.” I looked up, and our eyes became fixated on one another’s. “You let me say things, and…” I took in a calming breath. Only, the thing was, it didn’t calm me. “You kissed me,” I said, louder than I had intended. “I didn’t start things between us. That was you. You were the one who pinned me to the counter and took over. You were the one to lift me onto that same counter and take things even further. That was you.”

  He didn’t try to deny it.

  “You moaned. You took pleasure in those kisses the same way I did, then suddenly, it was like someone poured a cold pitcher of water on you. You moved away, looked at me as though you felt nothing more than shame, and you told me it never should have happened. I’ve never had anyone ever make me feel so undeserving and…” Suddenly, I was having a hard time conveying the feeling I’d felt that day in the shop. The truth was I didn’t think there was a word for the unworthy feelings I’d felt.

  “You are so beautiful.” Aaron whispered the words, and they only infuriated me more. Did he think I was that kind of girl? The kind who fell weak the moment some handsome man threw a few sweet words at me? “More than that, you’re sweet, and you deserve…”

  I wanted to interrupt him, ask him to leave because this was the last thing I wanted to do, but there was something in his eyes. That same pained expression I had seen so many times before. That fighting an inner war look that made it impossible for me to say much of anything.

  “I’m not good for you, and I wish I were. Everything would be so much easier if I were.”

  “I never asked you to be anything, Aaron.”

  “You shouldn’t have to,” he confessed, taking a step closer to me. Only, this time, I didn’t step back. “Over the last few weeks, all the times we’ve flirted, talked, and even laughed, they were amazing. Actually, for the first time in a very long time, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could…”

  I had no idea what it was he was fighting. All I knew was that, if the look in his eyes in that very moment was any indication, it had to be something deep and something still very raw. Aaron appeared almost broken, and that took all the anger I’d felt earlier and slowly began to break it down. There was something there, something that, although he didn’t want anyone else to see it, I could. He was hurting, and suddenly, all I wanted to do was fix everything that had him feeling so empty inside.

  “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve laughed?” I continued to listen to his words, hearing the ache in the way he spoke them. The low rasp, that sadness that lingered behind every syllable. “But with you, it was easy. Maybe not at first because I fought it so hard, but the moment I let go, it was incredible. For the first time in so long, I didn’t feel guilty for it.”

  “Why would you feel guilty?”

  He ignored my question.

  “That day in the shop, when you looked at me, it was like every little hesitation I’ve felt over the weeks of being around you faded away, and I couldn’t help myself. I had to kiss you.” He took in a deep, shuddering breath. “I haven’t felt that light in years. From the instant my lips touched yours, it was like I was floating, like every ounce of pain I’ve felt disappeared, and it was only you and me.”

  I knew exactly what he meant.

  “Then it all came back at once.”

  “What did?”

  “The pain.” He hung his head, and his shoulders shook. I wanted to reach out and somehow comfort this man who was falling apart in front of me, but I refrained from doing so. When he lifted his head, his eyes met mine once more. “There are just so many things I can’t offer you, and Faith, you deserve those things. Love, family, and a
future, and none of those things are in the cards for me.”

  He held my gaze just before his eyes shifted and began to scan over my face, pausing at my mouth.

  “I wish they were,” he whispered. I wasn’t even sure if he’d meant for me to hear the words. “Not for one single second do I regret kissing you. The only thing I regret is that I can’t give you anything more than sex, and that’s why I pulled away. I have entirely too many demons for you to face.”

  “What if just kissing you is enough for me?” I should have been focusing on the fact that he was telling me he was broken. But I couldn’t, because not for a second did I believe it. Maybe I was being naive and setting myself up for heartache, but I refused to believe that the man before me was that far gone. I could see it in his eyes. There was so much more there. There was kindness lingering there, desperation even, that just needed to be found and nurtured back to the surface. “What if all you can offer is all that I want?”

  “Don’t say that.” He shook his head and tried to step away from me, but I followed him.

  “What if that man before me is all I need?”

  “You don’t know me well enough to make that assumption.”

  “I know I’ve never been more attracted to any other man than I am to you. I know that from the moment I saw you as I descended the stairs of my parents’ house, I felt a pull in your direction.” I placed my hand over his chest. “You may think you’re broken, Aaron, but that’s not what I see when I look at you.”

  He took in a deep breath, his chest shuddering beneath my palm. His eyes were locked on mine, and I refused to look away.

  Chapter Twelve

  Aaron

  This woman set so many urges alive inside of me. It was a battle of wills between the right and the need to have her. I was a mess. I had been a mess for years, but when Faith was near, I was able to feel like a part of me was still alive somewhere inside me, buried down deep.

  I looked up, and my gaze met hers, and again, we both held strong, neither of us giving in and looking away.

  Somehow, I felt like she could see inside me, see the man I once was and how I’d become who I was now. I knew that was crazy, I understood the ridiculousness behind those thoughts, but Faith saw something in me that I could no longer see.

  “You’re are a good man, Aaron.” I wanted to argue with her, but I couldn’t form the words. “You aren’t broken.”

  The way she said it, with such conviction, made me feel as though she may have been right. Even for a second, I felt like I could be the old me.

  “I don’t know what kind of battles are going on inside of you, but something I do know is that I can’t seem to fight this attraction I feel toward you. Maybe I shouldn’t feel it. Maybe I should let you push me away and be thankful that I’ve walked away only partially scathed, but damn it, Aaron, I can’t. Even when I should be mad at you, I find myself only wanting to know more, needing to know.”

  “When you aren’t around, I think of you.” The way she said this, in almost a whisper, tugged at something inside of me.

  “When I see you,” a deep sigh escaped her, “I want to touch you and feel your arms around me. I want to know what it’s like to be consumed by you and only you.”

  “Faith.” I stepped toward her, and she stepped further into her shop.

  “I know what you’re gonna say. You shouldn’t want me, Faith. I’m no good for you. I can’t give you the things you want. I’m damaged. Well, I don’t believe you. I think you can do anything you want. You can feel whatever it is your heart is telling you to feel. You just choose to keep it all hidden. Something or someone has hurt you, and I understand healing, but what you’re doing is not healing. You’re hiding.”

  My chest ached terribly, my throat burned, and my legs trembled from the emotions that were now soaring through me at such unbelievable rates.

  “Stop hiding, Aaron,” her words felt like more of a plea, “please.”

  Her eyes shined with unshed tears, and that was the breaking point.

  I urged her forward, took her keys in my hand, and made sure her car doors were locked. Placing the bag on the floor, I flipped the lock on the front door and gathered her in my arms. She didn’t flinch. Instead, she placed her hands on my shoulder and continued to watch me with nothing more than acceptance in her eyes.

  Walking her backward down the hall, I turned her when we reached the small break room kitchenette she had installed. The corner sectional tucked back on the far side wasn’t huge, but my options were limited.

  When the backs of her legs bumped it, she looked behind her then back at me. Giving her a little nudge, she sat down, and I began to crawl over her as she slowly lay back onto the soft cushions.

  Flashes of my past clouded my mind, but I quickly wished them away. I had never felt so out of my control zone before. I wasn’t used to being unable to back away and climb back into the darkness. Faith was the bright light, forcing me to see, and though I still wasn’t completely sure I would like what I found, I knew in that very moment, there was no stopping what was taking place.

  “You scare me,” I confessed, not sounding like my own. With the surprise in her eyes, I had to assume she felt the same thing.

  With my entire body covering hers, her legs parted, and my hips safely tucked inside, I moved in closer and let go of every single doubt and hesitating thought I had rolling around in my mind. Covering her lips with mine, she once again fisted the hair at the back of my neck, and that was all it took.

  I placed my hand on her side and carefully began to push her shirt upward, exposing the creamy soft skin beneath. My heart raced and my hands shook, but I couldn’t stop myself.

  Kissing along the side of her neck, over the exposed skin between her breasts, I went lower until I was poised just above the buckle of her jeans. Looking up, I found she had an encouraging look on her face—that lustful droop in her eyes, the simple bite of her lower lip. Her stare shifted from my face to the waistband of her jeans as if asking me if I was going to continue though never coming out with the words.

  With trembling fingers, I carefully started to undo her jeans and placed gentle kisses over the space just above her panties. She arched, fisting her hands at her side, before slowly releasing them once more. She was so gorgeous. Everything about her was so pure, and I was about to shadow her with my darkness.

  When I paused, she saw the hesitation in my eyes. She reached out, tracing over my jaw with the tip of her finger. “You’re not broken.” Those three words made me feel so raw. This woman was perfect in every sense of the word. She overwhelmed me and made me feel so many things all at once. It was so overpowering.

  I knew without a doubt that I would most likely regret my lack of control later, but at that moment, I wanted to feel. I wanted to live, to breathe again without drowning in all the things that held me back.

  ***

  “Again, Daddy.” Ivy held up her arms and bounced on the balls of her feet. The smile on her face lit up my world. It always did. “Fly, Daddy, fly.” She wiggled her fingertips and giggled when I bent down to lift her up once more.

  Extending her high above my head, I slowly began to twirl, then the airplane sounds came.

  “I’m flying,” she squealed, kicking her tiny little legs. The blonde waves of hair fanned out around her, and those sweet little freckles across the bridge of her nose seemed darker from our day out in the sun.

  “You started something she will never let you forget.” Lynn laughed from the front steps of the porch where she had sat for more than thirty minutes now, watching Ivy and me play in the front yard.

  I lowered my daughter to the ground, and she laughed and jumped around like her feet were on fire. “More! More!” Her arms shot out once more.

  I couldn’t hold back my own happiness from my daughter’s joy. She could take the worst of days and make it better with just one smile.

  “Okay, pretty girl,” I knelt down bringing myself closer to her, “Daddy ne
eds a drink, then we’ll fly some more.”

  She jumped up and down, the squealing echoed throughout our yard.

  I gave her a kiss on her forehead and turned around to walk toward the house. As I climbed the stairs, Lynn laughed and shook her head. “She has you wrapped around her little finger so tightly, I’m surprised you can even breathe.”

  “I can’t,” I told her.

  Lynn’s knowing smile grew wider because she knew exactly what I meant. I lived and breathed for Ivy, and I knew Lynn felt the same. Our little girl was our glue. She was and always would be our world.

  I stepped inside and walked toward the refrigerator, gathering two bottles of water and one juice before heading back outside. The moment my hand touched the wooden frame, I heard the screeching sounds of tires, followed by the helpless cries of Lynn.

  I dropped everything in my arms and ran, feeling as though I’d stepped into some type of time warp.

  Flashing red and blues lights, EMTs, and cops swarmed my front yard.

  A white sheet lay on the ground near the now-mangled fence.

  Lynn knelt on the ground only a few feet away, her hand covering her mouth, her eyes wide and red, tears flowing heavily.

  I dropped to my knees, looking between my wife and the place I knew my daughter had been.

  I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating as I lifted my hands up to place them over my throat. Clawing at my skin, I began to gasp.

  “Aaron.” A soft whisper filtered through the darkness, but I continued to gasp and dig at my throat.

  It burned. Everything felt as though it were on fire.

  “Aaron.” Again, the concerned voice tried to penetrate the haze I was falling beneath.

  Someone grabbed my shoulder, and I jerked in response. My hands paused on my throat as I looked around, seeing only a sliver of light peeking through a doorway.

  Warmth.

  A gentle touch along my chest.

  Again, I blinked, trying to remember where I was. Then it hit me.