Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  “You’re wrong, Faith. I owe you everything.”

  She began to shake her head, and I reached up to stop her, placing one palm against each of her cheeks.

  “I know that when you first told me about the pregnancy, it may have seemed as though I was angry, but that isn’t even close. I was terrified, Faith, for a million different reasons, but never once was it because I didn’t want this baby.”

  I paused, and she closed her eyes, almost like she was attempting to shut me out.

  “And I want you.”

  Her lower lip trembled, and again, she tried to pull out of my grasp.

  “I pushed you away because you were the first person who had ever made me feel anything since that day I lost Ivy. It pissed me off because I had convinced myself that living in the darkness, surrounded by nothing but my guilt and pain, was the only thing I deserved. I’m still having a hard time with all this, but not for a second did I want to walk away from you and this child.”

  “I can’t be with a man who feels as though I am an obligation he is now stuck with.” The tone in her voice was hard to hear. It was nothing more than a whisper laced with sadness. “We can raise this baby together while still having separate lives.”

  “Oh, you silly woman. That isn’t gonna happen.”

  Faith’s eyes met mine.

  “I wanted you long before you were pregnant. I just didn’t know how to accept it.”

  “And now?” There was a spark of hope in her eyes.

  “I’m working on it.” A smile tugged at the corner of her lips. “But I’m gonna need you to be patient with me. I’m also gonna need you to stop referring to yourself or our child as an obligation.”

  “Then what should I refer to us as?”

  “A gift.”

  Her chest rose and fell as she took in a deep breath. Unshed tears filled her eyes.

  “So, about that floor.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Faith

  My moods were like day and night. One minute, I was happy and looking forward to life, then next, I was cranky, pissed off, and scary. I didn’t even like spending time with myself. Aaron didn’t seem fazed, which was insane. I was waiting for him to realize that he could run at any time and buy the first plane ticket to some far-off island.

  This morning, I cried for fifteen minutes when I realized I was out of Hershey’s Syrup after waking up craving chocolate milk.

  Then I tripped over a couch pillow while walking toward the couch, and Aaron arrived twenty minutes later to find four couch pillows on my front lawn. When he brought them in and said nothing, only giving me a questioning look, I chose to ignore him and turned back toward the television.

  After he worked for a few hours, he asked me if I was hungry, and I held up a bag of chili cheese Fritos and gave them a gentle shake. Not long after, I found myself standing in the bathroom hovering over the toilet expelling them like the exorcist. After that, I proceeded to blame him for allowing me to eat them.

  As I said, I was a cranky bitch.

  “Is it safe?” The sound of Deanna’s voice echoed through the house just before she entered the kitchen, shielding her face with her hands. “You never know what you might walk into around here.” I narrowed my eyes at her, and her smile grew even wider. “I bought this for Aaron.”

  A catcher’s mask.

  “I almost got the full gear, but that man is a monster, and there was no way in hell the gear would have fit him.” My best friend was the biggest smartass I knew. “I told him we could make our own gear if he had some extra pillows, rope, and some old garbage lids.”

  “You can shut up any time now.”

  She lowered the mask and placed it on the counter.

  “Is this one of the emotional moments? They change so fast, I can’t keep up.”

  “I could kick you out.”

  The asshole actually laughed like I had just told her the funniest joke. “Funny.” I wasn’t trying to be. “Aaron likes when I visit you. He says I’m the greatest buffer.”

  “I never said shit,” I heard him holler from the back room. “I told her not to come over here and get you all worked up.”

  “He’s a keeper.” She whisper-yelled this, and his deep chuckle filtered through the house.

  “Anyway,” she rounded the bar and sat in the stool at the end, “I wanted to stop by and confirm your flight for Friday.” I had almost forgotten about the mini trip to New York. “You fly out at 8:05 a.m. The magazine is sending a driver for you, and he should be waiting near baggage claim.”

  I saw movement over her shoulder and looked up in time to see Aaron leaning against the archway, crossing his arms over his chest.

  “They’ll take you to the hotel where a room is already booked. Around two, you will be picked up and shuttled to the studio for the first round of shots. Saturday morning, you have the studio again for three hours if you need it. Then, the rest of the time, you are free to do whatever until your flight out at 10:50 Sunday morning.”

  I nodded, but my stare was focused on Aaron and the broody manner in which he was standing. It was a look I had seen so many times before, and it was solely directed at me.

  “A trip to New York?”

  “Our girl here was chosen out of more than ten top photographers to shoot a men’s Calvin Klein underwear ad that comes out next month.” Deanna was beaming, but Aaron seemed a little perplexed. His brows were scrunched, his forehead creased, oh, and his lips were pressed into a tight line. “All those sexy male models walking around wearing nothing more than their underwear.” She released an appreciative moan. I knew what she was doing. I knew the moment she made sure to mention a few keys words.

  Men’s underwear ad.

  “I’ll have all your travel documents printed out by end of day Thursday, and all you need to do is be sure to be packed and ready when I pick you up 5:30 a.m. I’ll drop you off for your flight out, and when you get back, I’ll be there to pick you up.”

  “That won’t be necessary.” It was the first time Aaron spoke.

  “And why is that?” Deanna placed her hands on her hips and turned completely around to face him.

  “Because I will be taking her and bringing her back.” His tone surprised me. There wasn’t even an ounce of hesitation. “I’ll also be beside her on the plane, so you need to book me a ticket too.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me.” I felt a flash of irritation. “There is no way in hell I am letting you fly to New York alone and stay there for two days by yourself.”

  “I didn’t ask you.” I could feel my anger rising. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

  “You and that baby,” he pointed to my waist, “are all I care about. So you can be as pissed off as you want to be, but in the end, I will still be next to you on that damn plane. We can make this a pleasant trip, or you can be planning out all the different ways you want to inflict pain on me. Either way, I’m going.”

  He couldn’t be serious.

  He turned on his heel and walked off, leaving both Deanna and me staring after him.

  “That was so hot,” I heard her mumble, and I rolled my eyes as she turned to face me. Truth was she wasn’t lying. I would keep that to myself, though.

  ***

  “If you hate to fly, then why did you insist on coming?” He had a death grip on the armrest of the chair next to me. He barely fit in the thing as it was, his broad shoulders already overpowering our small space. I could feel him tense at my side over and over.

  “It’s not so much the flying part.” One deep intake of death before slowly releasing. “It’s the small space. The being closed up inside this tiny little shuttle and unable to open up the fucking door to take a God damned breath of fresh air.”

  I stare at him and feel my chest grow tight. Poor guy was claustrophobic.

  “How long is this flight again?”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that we had well over four hours before we landed in New York.
So instead, I went for a form of distraction. “Why don’t you tell me the exact moment when you decided that following me to New York was a good idea?”

  “About the same time I heard ‘male model’ and ‘underwear’ in the same sentence.”

  His honesty surprised me, and I laughed.

  So, for the next several hours, Aaron and I talked, laughed, and even flirted a little. And for the first time in a long time, being around him in close proximity didn’t cause a longing ache to settle in my heart. The man he was while we were trapped in the small space of the airplane allowed me to get to know him a little better. There wasn’t the weight of all that had happened, both the good and the bad, looming over us. We were thousands and thousands of feet above civilization, and though we were on a plane with more than fifty other people, it felt as if we were alone.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Aaron

  I was mesmerized by the way she moved. As I sat back, tucked away in the corner of the large studio the magazine had set up for her, I had the perfect view of Faith. She looked so determined and completely dedicated.

  She wore a fitted top, one that seemed to shift easily with her movements. The pants, those stretchy ones women wore, only brought unwanted attention to her sweet ass. Believe me, I’d noticed more than once how the men around the room paid attention when she’d knelt down to get just the right angle, and her ass arched up a little higher.

  I’d noticed. Of course I had noticed. Faith was breathtaking. That was never something I denied. It was the way she made me feel that was hard to accept. She made me feel alive, and I didn’t want that feeling. There was never a chance I could ever escape it.

  I sat quietly, listening to the way she continued to coach the models, setting them up exactly how she needed them to be. This was Faith—a side of her I hadn’t yet gotten the opportunity to see. She was in her element. This was her passion, and I was in awe.

  Her laughter echoed through the room, the harmonic sound bouncing off the walls, engulfing me and everyone else in the room. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to get lost in the rhythm.

  No one would ever have guessed she was in a room full of half-naked men. She did not falter, didn’t waver from her professionalism.

  She was unbelievably gorgeous.

  Opening my eyes, I found her looking back over her shoulder and smiling as if she could almost hear my thoughts. I winked at her, a smile tugging at my lips as she shifted back toward the group of men before her. At one point, one of the men gave me a knowing nod, and I was thankful that he seemed to understand my connection with her without me having to go all alpha and mark my territory.

  I didn’t have any type of claim on her. The only tie we shared, as of now, was the baby she was carrying. I wanted that to change, but I had to tread lightly. I had already done about everything wrong; I had to do this right. I had to find a way to show her the man I was and not remind her of the man I used to be.

  ***

  “I’ve always loved this place.” Faith’s eyes searched the menu like it was the holy grail, and I couldn’t contain my smile. I’ve felt so much lighter over the last few days, and I had her to thank for that. Also, I had to thank Gran for knocking some sense into my ass by forcing me to once again see the happiness that was once in Ivy’s eyes. The happiness that all the darkness I had felt had managed to drown out.

  “They have the best burgers ever,” she cooed, still searching the menu with excitement. “We can go somewhere else if this isn’t what you had in mind, but my God, Aaron,” she lowered her menu, allowing me now to fully see her face, “the loaded fries are something you have to eat at least once in your life. Matched with the Masterpiece Burger and a Coke. Heaven, that is all I have to say.”

  A smile spread across my face, and she offered me one in return.

  “This is perfect,” I assured her. It didn’t matter at this point if I was a damn vegetarian and hated fries; I would have eaten it all just to see this smile on her face. “This is my kind of place.”

  I wasn’t lying. It was comfortable. I wasn’t the kind of man to get all dressed up and have someone tell me the wine list they had to offer. I was rugged. I always had been. I enjoyed the natural atmosphere; beers and burgers were right up my alley.

  “Welcome to Black Iron Burger. My name is Ivy, and I’ll be taking your order.”

  I slowly turned around and looked over my shoulder at the tall, slender, blonde girl at my side. She had the bluest eyes and a smile so big, I was thrust back to my past. I could almost envision my Ivy standing before me, a grown woman. She was always so full of life.

  I wanted nothing more than to see her thriving, to watch her graduate high school then college. I wanted to be able to walk her down the aisle and make the man I offered her to promise me he would give her the world, no matter what it took.

  “And for you, sir?”

  I was shaken from my thoughts and brought back to the present. “I’ll, uh…” I cleared my throat and looked down at the menu before me. “I’ll have the same."

  The waitress excused herself, and I looked up to see Faith folding her menu to place it behind the condiments in the tray at our side. Her expression showed no signs that she’d noticed my momentary lapse in time.

  Then that shifted, and her eyes widened a bit. “Aaron.” She whispered my name, and her stare connected with mine. “I…” She paused, obviously not knowing what to say. Honestly, it would have been better if she’d said nothing at all. “Are you…”

  “We’re good. I’m good.” My life would be filled with moments like I’d just had. I was beginning to understand that. But most importantly, it was how I handled them that mattered the most. I had to be able to envision my Ivy without falling back to that dark place I had lived in for far too long. I had to be able to find that place where I could think of the what ifs and not fall apart. I couldn’t be the man I had allowed myself to be. Not anymore. I had to think of Faith and our child, and I had to believe Ivy was watching over us all.

  When our waitress returned to place two large chocolate shakes with syrup and a cherry on top, I looked across the table at Faith. Like a kid in a candy store, she lifted the cherry off the top and hurried to bring it to her mouth before the whipped cream or the chocolate dripped off. When her eyes met mine, she smiled big around the stem before pulling it free from her lips.

  “I’m such a nerd. I know.” She chewed happily, and she shrugged her shoulders.

  “Not the word I was thinking.” More like “fucking beautiful,” but I’d let it die for now. I motioned toward my cherry, and her eyes widened in anticipation. “Have at it.” And she did willingly. When she pulled the second stem from her mouth and she began to chew the second cherry, I had the strongest urge to taste her lips. Being attracted to Faith had always been so easy. She was the perfect mix of everything I desired.

  I spent most of our meal watching the enjoyment on her face. Each bite she took, she moaned so lightly in appreciation, I wasn’t even sure she realized she was doing it.

  “Good, right?” Asking around a mouthful of food had never been more appealing.

  “Really good.” I reassured her by taking another bite. She nodded and went in for more. The burger was amazing, the fries were perfect, but the best part about the entire meal was her. Being with her, watching her, laughing with her, it was all perfect.

  We sat for a long time after our meal was over, talking about her photoshoot from earlier in the day. She told me that a few of the men were also in an Under Armor shoot she had done last month. We agreed that, for the right amount of money, anyone would pretend that the product they were wearing was the greatest thing ever. Their job was to sell the product. It’s what they were paid for. We also talked about a shoot she had done in Maui, one in Australia, and just before she moved back to Gillette, she had been in Greece for two weeks. I wondered why in the hell she had left all that to come back to our small town. But I was thankful she did, now at least. There was a
time I wished she’d never ended up there, but in reality, she was exactly what I needed.

  She was my salvation.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Faith

  I sat in my hotel room, on the left side of my bed, staring at the door that connected my room to his. We’d parted ways in the hall outside, even though I didn’t want our night to end. We’d fly out mid-morning tomorrow, and the carefree way we had been together for the last twenty-four to thirty-six hours would be gone.

  I was afraid when we returned home, everything would go back to that unsettled, uneasy way it was between us. Me not knowing how to reach him, and him unsure of what to say when he was close. There had been this elephant in the room, so to speak. A child I wanted more than anything to celebrate but was terrified my joy would only bring more pain for him. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place with no answers of the right and the wrong way to proceed.

  He never told me anything. He never shared more than he had to, and I didn’t know how to show him that I wanted to be here for him, fully.

  I was freshly showered, wearing my comfiest pajamas, and I knew I should have gone to bed, but I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering what it was he was doing next door.

  There were no movements, no signs that he was still awake. I felt almost desperate to hear him knock, and I fought the urge to move forward and do it myself.

  The sound of my phone vibrating against the nightstand distracted me from the place I had been focused, and I lay across the mattress to retrieve it.

  Deanna: How is the trip with baby daddy?

  I debated telling her a step by step of our day, all the way up to my current position. Instead, I went for the easiest route.