Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  Me: He has been kind, considerate, yet the same old Aaron he’s always been. The man is and always will be a mystery.

  I only hoped that would be enough to detour her in a different direction.

  Deanna: Maybe you should just attack him, romp around in the sheets, and shock the angry right out of him.

  I had tried that once. Okay, more than once. And that was why I was in my current situation. I was now tied to a man who I was more than sure wanted to live out the remaining part of his life without any true connections to anyone.

  I chose to silence my phone and curl beneath the starchy sheets of the hotel bed. They felt cold against my skin. I gathered the fluffy pillow beneath my head and rolled to face the adjoining door once more. With the light of my room still shining brightly, I stared ahead, allowing my mind to once again veer off into territories I knew it shouldn’t.

  With each passing minute, my eyes grew heavier and heavier, until the light of the room faded, and I drifted off.

  “Wake up, beautiful.” His deep raspy voice filled my ear, and I could feel the heat of his breath against my cheek and along the side of my neck. I couldn’t keep myself from smiling as I relished in the way he held me close. “You keep wiggling your body against mine like that, I may not be able to refrain from taking full advantage of you.”

  “What if I want you to take advantage of me?” I was practically begging him for it as I wiggled my backside against his hardness.

  When he pushed his hips forward to gain even more pressure, I moaned.

  “The things I want to do to you.” Aaron nipped at my ear and gave it a gentle tug before sucking gently. “You make me so crazy, baby.”

  His palm glided over my side, along my hip, before sliding around to rest upon my stomach. My breath hitched before I bit my lower lip and held my eyes closed tightly.

  “Breathe, Faith.” His whisper filled my ear. “You’ve given me back a life I thought I never wanted. You saved me.”

  My eyes shot open, and I realized I was back in the same hotel room, alone. The light was still on, it was still dark outside, and a sob escaped me when the knowledge that it had been nothing more than a dream hit me hard.

  I wanted to go back to that moment, the one where he was holding me close and the sound of his voice near my ear. I wanted to feel wanted, maybe even needed, by the man I was desperate for. I wanted to be enough. I wanted him to see that I was here, that we were here.

  ***

  I sat on the plane, looking out the window as we touched down at the Gillette-Campbell County Airport. Aaron was at my side, and throughout the flight, I could feel his eyes on me. Instead of acknowledging him, I pretended to be asleep for most of the flight while he played on his phone or looked through the in-flight movie options.

  I’d had a perpetual lump in my throat from the moment I woke up this morning to find that all the sweet things I’d heard whispered in my ear and all the gentle touches I’d felt were nothing more than a figment of my imagination. A longing to be treasured and desired by the man, who, from the first moment I saw him, I was drawn to.

  When he placed his hand on mine, I allowed my head to roll to the side, and I looked at him, still faking exhaustion. I had been awake the entire flight, my mind racing and my heart aching.

  “We’re here.” The smile he offered me was one of hesitance. “You must have been worn out. You slept the entire flight.”

  If only that were true.

  “I guess I was.” I forced a smile and looked up to see the other passengers gathering their items from the overhead compartments. “We should probably grab our bags.” I unbuckled and began to stand when he stopped me.

  “Let me.”

  Watching as he stood and lifted his arms up, my eyes settled on his waist, the place his shirt rose to expose a small sliver of his abdomen. Aaron was fit, built, and my fingers longed to touch the ridges.

  “Here’s yours.” I looked away quickly, hoping I hadn’t been caught, and reached out for my bag.

  The passengers began to move down the aisle, and I figured we would wait it out until the path had cleared. But Aaron stepped out into the space, blocking those moving in behind him as he motioned for me to take the space before him.

  Hurrying to move out, he took the bag I’d tossed over my shoulder, and I looked back at him. “I’ve got it.” There was no point in arguing.

  We said nothing more as we exited the plane or walked down the long corridor. Side by side, we moved with the crowd to the baggage claim and waited silently for our luggage to appear.

  People around us talked freely, kids giggled, and some cried, but we remained quiet.

  Even after we gathered our luggage and moved toward the exit, we still said no more than two words to one another.

  I was thankful that the ride home wasn’t a long one because the tension was building, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to break it.

  Dread filled me as I understood my fears were coming to a head. We were back home, and the memories of how we got where we now are resurfaced. Long gone was the relaxed version of Aaron, and in its place was the man who spoke very little but held the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  I instantly wanted to go back to the city, back to the man who had laughed at my silliness and, in turn, showed me that he too could throw down a little banter when necessary.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Aaron

  It had been two days since we’d returned from New York. In those two days, an uncomfortable distance had settled between us. I really wasn’t sure how or why it was there.

  In New York, it had seemed easy, but then again, there was so much distraction. Being home, no longer in an unfamiliar and mesmerizing place, made the weight I’d felt settle back in around me. The pressure to do things right, the need to figure out what comes next, it was all there.

  And I wanted it gone. I wanted to go back to how we were.

  I stepped in through the front doors of Faith’s studio and paused when I saw her kneeling in front of a little girl no older than three, maybe four years of age. She was fluffing the bottom of her dress and carefully repositioning the curls that had fallen from what looked like a tiny crown poised upon her head.

  “You are by far the prettiest princess I have ever seen.” Faith spoke only to the little girl. “I wish I had a crown as beautiful as yours. I’m so jealous.”

  The dark-haired little girl looked back at her mother and smiled happily before returning her attention to Faith.

  “And I just know that the pictures we take today are going to be perfect. You’re like an angel in this dress, Addison. Are you ready to pose for me?”

  The little girl nodded before placing her fingers in her mouth once again, checking to ensure her mother was still close.

  Faith stood, and that’s when she noticed me standing there.

  “If you want to go ahead and take her back,” stepping aside, she motioned down the hallway, “the second door on the right. I’ll be right behind you.”

  The woman took her daughter’s hand in hers, and they began walking down the hallway, just as Faith walked in my direction.

  “Hi.” Nervously, she tucked her hair behind her ear. Lifting my hand, I quickly shoved it into my pocket to hide the fact that I was moving in to do that very same thing. I wanted more than anything to be able to freely touch her without having to explain that urge, but I wondered what she would think if I had.

  That was the problem with us. There was so much bad shit lingering between us both, I was more than positive each of us didn’t know what was right and wrong. We were each questioning every single thought running through our minds and fighting off every urge we felt. We shouldn’t be here, feeling so fucking lost.

  “Hey.” Finally, I spoke, remembering that she had said hello.

  “We didn’t make plans, did we?”

  “No.” I stepped in closer, and her eyes widened a small fraction. “I was hoping I could bring dinner over tonight. Mayb
e we could talk?”

  Faith swallowed hard, making her throat bob. I could sense she was nervous.

  “In New York, we were good, right?”

  She nodded.

  “I think we need to find a way to get back to that place.” The way she stared up at me had my heart rate spiking a bit. “I felt more relaxed being there with you than I have felt in years. I want that. I need that.”

  “Me too,” she whispered.

  “It’s up to us to get there. We just have to find the way.”

  Again, she nodded.

  “Burgers or pizza?”

  “Surprise me.”

  I would bring both and chocolate shakes.

  “I’ll see you about six?”

  “Six,” she repeated.

  I spent a few more seconds simply looking at her before I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She took in a deep breath before slowly letting it out, and I fought the urge to take it one step further. After tonight, the hesitation would stop. I didn’t care if we spent hours sifting through all the bullshit that played thick between us. In the end, we would know where we both stood.

  ***

  When she opened the door and saw me standing on her front porch with a pizza box and a bag of burgers in one hand and a carrier with two chocolate shakes in the other, she smiled wide. “When I said surprise me, I didn’t mean you had to bring one of everything.”

  “Wanted to make sure I brought variety.”

  I had been tense since I’d left her studio hours ago.

  I’d gone back to Dusty Creek Designs and helped Walt load up the deliveries for tomorrow. The entire time, I ignored the scowl on Dirk’s face as he stood with his arms crossed. The man now had formed an opinion of me I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to change. To him, I was the man who had knocked up his daughter. The man who hadn’t made an honest woman out of her. The one who somehow stole the innocence he felt she still possessed. But the reality was Faith would always be his little girl. I was the demon who had corrupted her life.

  I guessed, in a way, it was true.

  I noticed the foot soak tub that was sitting before the chair and the bubbles that still remained on the water. “Soaking your feet?”

  “Oh, uh…” Hurrying over, she turned the switch off and looked back at me. Her cheeks were red with embarrassment. “I was on my feet all day today with one appointment after another, and they were a little achy.”

  “Better now?”

  “I hadn’t actually started.” She shrugged. “I guess I lost track of time.”

  “Sit down. I can handle this.” I held up the food and motioned with my head for her to go sit down.

  “I’m okay—”

  “I said, soak.” Again, I nudged my head in the direction of the chair. “Move, woman, or I’ll put you there myself.”

  A smile tugged at the corner of her lips, and that lightness fluttered in my chest. Her smile, the pure happiness surrounding it, every single time, I swear, I felt that shit from my toes to my ears. It was magical.

  Moving to her kitchen, I placed the food on the counter and gathered two plates.

  I heard the sound of the water begin to bubble once more, and I knew she had listened. Taking my time, I set the table then dropped ice into two cups, placing them on the table as well. Filling each with water, I set our shakes near them, and just as I was about to go check on her, I heard her feet against the hardwood floor.

  Turning around just as she stepped in through the entryway to her kitchen, I saw her focus move to the table.

  “It smells so good in here. I couldn’t stay away any longer.”

  She was practically salivating, and I felt pleased with myself. Taking care of her felt good. Fuck good. It felt amazing.

  “Let’s eat.” I moved one of the chairs out, and I waited for her to have a seat. Once she did, I slid her in closer, and she whispered thanks as she gathered a napkin to place on her lap.

  Quietly, we ate, each taking a little of everything.

  Once we finished, we cleared the table before we moved into the living room and sat together on the couch.

  That weirdly uncomfortable quietness settled in around us, and suddenly, a hollowness began to fill my chest.

  “How do we end up right back in this place every single time?” The question was more of one I was asking myself, but when she answered, it surprised me.

  “Because we have no idea how to talk to one another.” She stared ahead, and all I could focus on was her side profile. “All this time, we’ve never really taken the time to get to know one another. Well, I take that back.” Remaining silent, I waited for her to explain. “I’ve never held anything back, even though you’ve never honestly taken the time to get to know me, but the opportunity was always there. You, on the other hand, have always been a closed book.”

  There was a pained expression in her eyes when she finally looked over at me. She was right. I had never allowed her to get to know me. I held everything inside, and yes, she now knew what brought me to this place, but the man I once was remained hidden in the shadows of the guilt and sorrow.

  “Ask me.” I slid in a little closer. “What is it you want to know?”

  “Everything.” Faith shrugged her shoulders. “I want to know everything, Aaron.” Tears filled her eyes, and my throat suddenly felt as though it was on fire. “That is all I have ever wanted.”

  I could no longer stop myself from touching her. I reached out and gathered her in my arms, pulling her body close to mine. “I’m sorry,” I whispered into her hair. “I want us to start over. So badly. I want to erase all the shit between us, and I want to start fresh. If we keep going like this, I think we’re both gonna go crazy. We need to start over, Faith.” I pulled back and cupped her face in my hands. “I want you to know me, now and then. No more holding back.”

  It was time I opened up my heart and let her in. I wanted to live again.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Faith

  Aaron and I had spent what felt like hours talking over the last week. He told me about his parents and his childhood. My heart ached for the boy who simply craved the attention of the two very people who should have loved him unconditionally. Instead, his parents chose selfish paths and left him to fend for himself. They had robbed him of his childhood. A boy who learned to rely on only himself at a very young age until a sweet woman came along and loved the boy she barely knew.

  Granny Rae had taken him in when times were tough, and she loved him fiercely, and from what I could tell, she still did. If I didn’t know better, I would swear they were blood. Still, to this day, all she wanted for him was happiness. She wanted him to heal and be freed from his pain. I admired the woman prior to knowing the truths behind how she became a part of his life, and I absolutely adored her now. She was a gem.

  I cried, and in turn, Aaron soothed me. We laughed, and the light in his eyes calmed me beyond explanation.

  Before we’d realized the time that had passed, it was well past midnight. When he decided to leave, I insisted he stay. With a pillow and an oversized blanket, he made a place on the couch as I retired to my room.

  I lay in bed for God only knew how long, hoping we’d somehow crossed over that barrier of constant tension and could move forward, building a friendship and possibly more.

  I knew I wanted more. I always had.

  Showing up at my place almost nightly, he would surprise me with some kind of treat. I’d smile when he’d get me a shake topped with extra cherries, the little ways he’d show me that he had been paying attention. Each night, we would work on something throughout my house, only to retire to the kitchen for dinner, then to the couch, where we would settle in after finding something interesting on television.

  It was a strange but welcomed feeling of how we had grown comfortable with one another. He would mindlessly lift my feet into his lap and carefully massage the sore spots my days had created. It was sweet how he was always trying to make me comfortable. L
ike fluffing the couch pillow before I sat down or throwing a blanket up over my legs because he understood that, in no time at all, I would be complaining about being cold.

  The killer moment the one that made my heart soar was when he showed up with a small box and his laptop.

  “I thought I would introduce you to Ivy.” His words came out in more of a whisper, and the knowledge of how very big this moment truly was hit me so hard, I was unable to speak. I only nodded as I stepped aside and allowed him to enter.

  Tucking myself in at his side, I watched his hands shake as he lifted the lid and pulled out one of many flash drives.

  “Watching these makes me feel as though she’s still here.” Without looking at me, he slid one into the side of the computer before clicking a few times. The sweetest little giggle filled the silence, and I closed my eyes, fighting my own emotions. He was here, sharing his angel with me. This was another step forward for us and another point in time that only made me fall a little harder for him.

  We spent a few hours watching video after video, him talking me through each. At one point, I focused on him instead of the screen, loving just how invested he had become in sharing her with me.

  At one point, I watched him as a tear escaped his eyes and ran along his cheek. It didn’t seem to faze him, and he did nothing to hide his moment of weakness. Little by little, he broke more, and without pause, I slid even closer to place my arm over his shoulders. Holding him near, I listened to him speak of the beautiful little baby that was his whole world and who now watched over her daddy.

  “What was one thing she said to you, anything, even the smallest of phrases?” I wanted to keep him talking, my fear of him getting lost in his sadness lingering in the back of my mind. “What can you remember, a time, a moment the two of you shared?” Anything, it didn’t matter how big or how small.