Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  His chest shuddered as he looked at the screen while Ivy danced around in circles, holding a tiny doll out before her.

  “I remember how she would try to wiggle away from me when I would hug her goodnight.” His voice was hoarse. “She would tell me I was itchy.”

  I rubbed my fingertips along the stubble of his jaw, and he closed his eyes tightly and took in a deep, calming breath. “Then I would smile, kiss her little nose, and she would smile in return.”

  I stayed silent, allowing him to remember the moments I understood he needed to relive.

  “I would tell her she had the sweetest smile and that her laughter was the only sound I needed to hear to make my day better.”

  He paused, opening his eyes slowly to again stare at Ivy, who was now sitting in the grass, combing the doll’s hair with her fingers.

  “And what would she say in return?”

  I knew I was pushing, forcing him to go that one step further, but I also knew he needed to see it, to hear it. He needed to remember her; even if he felt as though he was breaking all over again, he had to live and to do so. He had to hurt before he could heal completely.

  “She would tell me that when I smiled at her, it made her tummy tickle.” Fresh tears pooled in his eyes as his gaze finally connected with mine. “She’d tell me my own words in return, only a little sweeter.”

  “You make me happy, Daddy.”

  Another moment of silence passed between us as a tear ran over his cheek and hung from his jaw before dripping down onto my hand which rested upon his chest. “She told me that I was her best friend in the whole world.”

  My heart ached at his words as I imagined his little girl, whom I’d only seen a few photos and now videos of, say these exact things to her daddy.

  “Funny thing was, she was my best friend too.”

  That night, I knew was one I would never forget. It was the night I felt like Aaron had finally let me in completely. He invited me into his life and into the memories of Ivy.

  Gone was the fear of pushing him too far. I know knew that everything about Ivy, about his life with her, was welcomed.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Aaron

  I was early, but the excitement of seeing Faith after a full day of work was all I could focus on. It was strange, really, but from the moment I left her until the second I returned, I felt her absence. I hated the way it felt.

  I used my key just as I had so many times before and entered Faith’s house. Her car was parked in the driveway, though I knew that, on most occasions, after a long hard day on her feet, she’d fall asleep on the couch or even in her bed. I didn’t want to wake her. I paused in the doorway, looking around the living room and into the dining area which connected the kitchen and saw no signs of her.

  Hearing the shower running from down the hall, I moved in that direction. The closer I got, the more the mirror above the sink came into view. The angle where I stood next to the mirror gave the perfect reflection of Faith. The frosted look of the glass made it difficult to see a clear view, but her silhouette could not be hidden.

  Faith was slim—the perfect hips, a narrow waist. I found myself imagining what she would look like once she started to show.

  Slowly, she glided her hands over her body. My heart raced, and my hands trembled. She was breathtaking.

  I didn’t know how long I stood there watching her, but when the water turned off, I backed away before she had the chance to see me watching her. Reality struck as I stepped back into the living room and hurried to sit on the couch.

  That overwhelming sense of desire I’d felt over the past weeks, that racing heart and quickened pulse. The strong need to protect Faith and ensure that nothing or no one ever had the chance to hurt her. It all narrowed down to the same thing. I was in love with Faith. Not just the kind of love you felt for someone after spending time with them, that need to have them around because they made your day better kind of love. No, this was different. This was a love so deep, so penetrating, I felt it in my bones. This woman had quickly become my everything. She was the air I breathed, the sun heating my face, the ground I stood on. Faith was the only one I wanted by my side throughout all the good and the bad times. She got me. She understood me. And she did it all without judging me for the wrong choices I had made.

  This woman held my soul in her hands. I knew living without her was something I never wanted to face. I wanted her, but more importantly, I needed her.

  “Hey.” I swiveled around just as she entered the living room with a big white towel around her hair and a silk robe hugging her body. I tried not to linger, but it was next to impossible. I felt as though she was constantly jump-starting my heart. “I didn’t hear you come in. Have you been here long?”

  “Only a few minutes, actually.” Pushing off the couch, I rounded it and paused with only a few feet separating us. “I was thinking I’d take you out to dinner tonight.”

  Her face lit up with excitement.

  “You can even choose where we go.”

  “What if I said I wanted Taco Bell?” She crossed her arms over her chest, making her breasts stand out, and I focused on her eyes, though I wanted to look down so badly.

  “I love tacos.” Her lips tipped upward, and the familiar flutter I had felt so many times over the last few weeks returned with a vengeance.

  Choosing not to say anything in return, she slowly backed away. Pointing over her shoulder, she bit her lower lip and quickly released it. “I’ll go get dressed.”

  Hurrying away, I took the chance to watch her hips sashay down the hallway before she disappeared inside her bedroom.

  ***

  “Do you know a lot about this doctor?” I scanned over the room, taking in all the posters and magazine that were filled with nothing other than expecting mothers and babies.

  “She’s actually the same doctor who delivered me.”

  The door opened, and I shifted my gaze to take in the nurse who was holding the clipboard in her hands. Small teddy bears wearing diapers covered her scrubs, and I must have worn what I was feeling on my face because Faith snickered at my side.

  “Faith Billings.” Standing quickly, I reached out to take Faith’s hand in my own. A lady about my age smiled from a nearby chair as she took us in. Side by side, I walked with Faith toward the awaiting nurse, who had a smile on her face larger than life.

  “How are you feeling today?”

  “Better,” Faith replied, and I wondered what they could be referring to.

  “So, the morning sickness and dizziness have let up then?”

  Suddenly, I felt like an asshole for not knowing she was going through these things.

  “The sickness only lasted a few weeks maybe. Now I can eat anything and everything. Or maybe I should say I do eat everything. I swear, thirty minutes after I eat, I’m hungry again.” My eyes focused on Faith as she took a seat in a chair and the nurse placed a cuff over her arm. This was familiar to Faith, and again, that empty feeling hit me when I imagined her coming here for her checkups alone.

  “The dizziness comes and goes, but mostly if I get up or shift too quickly.”

  “That could definitely be related to the hormonal changes your body is experiencing. How about headaches? Any of those accompanying the dizziness?”

  “No.”

  I stood quietly, allowing them to go back and forth with the conversation.

  I didn’t miss the way Faith looked back at me when she stepped up onto the scale. Like she was embarrassed about her weight. It was adorable, really, but I pretended to miss it and start to look around, not paying attention to what the scale said.

  When we finally made it to the room and Faith was handed a paper gown, I frowned as I noticed how flimsy it was. I wasn’t really fond of the way it opened up, either, with no form of true protection to hide what she had beneath.

  “Dr. Michaels will do an exam today, and I know with the past dizziness and fainting, she’ll want to have a look in order to do
a better measurement. Last time, we did an internal sonogram, but this time, we should be able to see this little sweet pea by an abdominal one.”

  This was all foreign to me. Granted, I was a part of Lynn’s pregnancy with Ivy, but in all honesty, I didn’t really pay too much attention to the details of it all. This time I hung on every word the nurse spoke, wanting to know it all. “This will help us ensure we are on track for the due date. Though we won’t be able to see if you’re having a boy or a girl yet, we will be able to check out everything and rule out any true concerns.”

  I nodded, even though I knew she wasn’t really talking to me.

  “If you will get undressed and, well, you know the drill.” Faith nodded before looking over at me, and I wondered in that second if she felt uncomfortable having me here.

  The nurse exited the room, and I immediately stood and stepped up in front of Faith. “Hey.” Reaching out, I placed my finger beneath her chin and forced it upward, bringing her focus to meet my own. “You okay with me being in here? I could wait out in the waiting area.”

  Quickly, she grabbed my wrist and held my body close, not allowing me to back away. “I want you here.” There was a determined look in her eyes. “But I’ll be honest, having you here does leave me nervous.”

  “Why?”

  Hesitating, she looked toward her hands, which still held firmly to my wrist.

  “I’m afraid that seeing the baby might thrust you back into the past once again. I’m scared that the progress we’ve made will be destroyed in less than thirty minutes.”

  Carefully moving my hand a little further, I placed my palm against her cheek, and the way her eyes fluttered shut from my touch made my chest feel tight. “I’m not going back there, Faith. I promise you. I want this.” She locked her eyes with mine. “I want it all.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Faith

  “I’m not going back there, Faith. I promise you. I want this. I want it all.”

  I held the recent sonogram picture between my fingertips as Aaron’s words continued to roll around in my head. Over and over, I envisioned him standing before me, cupping my cheek with his palm as he stared back at me with such determination.

  It had been almost a week since he said them, and I swore I could still hear them in my mind so clearly, with not one ounce of hesitation, just before his lips brushed gently over mine in the sweetest kiss I’d ever received.

  It was a beautiful moment interrupted by the doctor, and judging by the expression on his face as she entered, Aaron knew I would have given anything for a loop back in time prior to her entrance. Moments like those between Aaron and me were few and far between, I wanted to cherish every one I was gifted. I wanted to etch them in my memory and surround myself with the way they made me feel. So protected and loved, almost like our past had never happened and we had always been that happy.

  I stretched my legs out under my desk before settling in once again to edit the remaining photos I had to complete before I could go home. I was already past my deadline, but thankfully, the family I had photographed were my parents’ lifelong friends, and they were completely understanding. Between the sickness in the beginning, the exhaustion that followed, and now trying my best to catch up, it felt almost as if I never would.

  “What’s going on over at that house of yours?” I was surprised to see my mother standing in the doorway of my office. There had been no indication that she had entered, no bell chiming on the front door announcing her arrival. She was like a sly cat, slinking in.

  “Hopefully, nothing at all, considering I am here and not there.” My stomach tensed as my curiosity began to run rampant. “What did you see?”

  She shrugged, actually lifted a shoulder, wrinkled her nose in a never mind kind of way as she moved further into the room and sat in the seat opposite my own.

  “Mom?”

  “This is pretty.” She lifted a small paperweight that looked more like a piece of crystal and shifted it in her hands, moving it side to side.

  “Mother?” What was wrong with this woman? “You can’t just show up here, say something like that, then ignore me when I need to know more.”

  “It was nothing.” She was infuriating at times.

  “What did you see?”

  “A concrete truck.” She placed the weight back on to my desk and picked at an imaginary piece of lint on her shirt. “About four or five guys all leveling it off, and Aaron observing their every move, ensuring they complete exactly what it was they came to do.”

  I stared at her, my mind racing and ricocheting off every thought that filled my head.

  Concrete?

  Men leveling?

  Aaron?

  “I am going to kick that man’s ass.” I grabbed my purse and keys, hurrying toward the front door, the sounds of my mother’s laughter following behind.

  “Leaving, Boss Lady?”

  I waved over my shoulder, giving Deanna nothing more. I knew my mother would fill her in, surely more than she had me. Every damn person thought it was sweet how Aaron had stepped in and taken over in regard to my house and the renovations. Well, besides my father. The jury was still out when it came to him and Aaron. Which truly did make the working environment a little tense at times.

  I, on the other hand, didn’t want handouts. I didn’t want him doing things I couldn’t pay for. It made me feel weird excepting lavish things and expensive additions to my very basic plan.

  He just waved me off like I was some raving lunatic and went about his business like the space between his ears was nothing more than a hollow tunnel.

  I drove with purpose, my eyes focused on the road, my mind rehearsing everything I planned to say.

  Then I rounded the corner and felt my feet grow heavy over the brake as I began to slow.

  My mother had been right. There, at the end of my driveway, with a long shoot extended out the back, was a concrete truck. My yard and the space along the side of my house were filled with men I didn’t know. And in my front yard, the man who was about to get an earful.

  I parked and crawled out of my car, and when I slammed the door with purpose, Aaron finally noticed my arrival.

  “Hey, you.” A knowing smirk covered his lips. The same one he seemed to get every time he knew I wouldn’t like something, yet he didn’t care.

  “What is this?” I pointed to the drive, now close enough to see that he was repaving it. It was rough, breaking away, and yes, an accident waiting to happen, but that was all beside the point.

  “This is your new and improved driveway.”

  I narrowed in on him, doing my very best to remember that I had an audience. I didn’t want to be known around town as the crazy pregnant lady. My nostrils flared while I counted to ten in my mind. Biting on my lower lip again, I remembered the witnesses who would hear my rant if I let what I was thinking fly.

  And what did Aaron do? He smiled.

  Not a grin, no, he went for broke. An all teeth, dimples peeking out in his cheeks, eyes lit up with joy kind of smile. I wanted to kick him. I wanted to slug him, but hitting what I knew would feel like a wall didn’t sound too appealing.

  So instead, I hmphed, spun on the heels of my feet, and stormed off toward my front door. Shutting the door behind me, I made sure to spin the lock and started to the kitchen. Then it hit me…Aaron had a key.

  There was no point in trying to find a way to keep him out. The man was relentless, and it would only be a waste of energy on my part. Clearing the door to the kitchen, I paused at the refrigerator and grabbed a cold bottle of water. Shutting it, I leaned back against the countertop, unscrewed the cap, and lifted the bottle to my lips. The very second the coolness hit my lips, I paused.

  “What in the fu—”

  “I see you found the second surprise.” I could hear the humor in his voice. I also knew if I turned around to look at him, I would most likely throw my open bottle of water at his head. What the hell was with man thinking that the little lady couldn�
�t handle the big things on her own?

  “Are you insane?”

  He chuckled. I squeezed the bottle tighter, fighting the urge to pummel him before turning completely around with my back now to him. I needed a few minutes to breathe through this.

  “It’s just a fence, Faith.”

  Deep breath in, and slowly release.

  “The driveway was a hazard.” He sounded even closer. “All I kept seeing each time I looked at it was you getting out of your car, lifting the baby carrier with our child, and tripping over one of the damn holes in the driveway.” I closed my eyes tight when I felt his body press up against my back. “It was my way of keeping you both safe,” he whispered near my ear, just before placing one hand on the counter at each of my sides. “And the fence.” I closed my eyes tightly, suddenly feeling like a complete ass. After what happened to Ivy it made complete sense.

  The one rusted chain-length fence had been replaced with a thick and sturdy white vinyl fence. The yard had also been freshly mowed, and opening my eyes again to take it all in, I could almost imagine our little one playing. Flowers growing, a big swing, maybe with toys littering the space.

  “It’s all I want to do.” His chest was now molded firmly to my back. “The idea of you or this baby being hurt in any way makes me nauseous. I have to do everything I can to ensure that doesn’t happen.”

  Aaron was getting good at using our unborn child as a way to get away with things I’d otherwise try to lecture him about.

  ***

  Aaron had pressed a kiss to my temple and returned to the group of men outside over two hours ago. I focused on dinner as I bounced back and forth from my laptop to the stove. I had finally finished my edits and loaded everything onto a drive to deliver tomorrow when I heard the front door open. The sound of Aaron’s boots hitting the floor as he removed one and then the other, followed by his heavy footsteps as he approached.

  I did my best to focus on the task at hand, refusing to face him, but I felt him before he touched me. That sense that he was close, the way my heart rate sped up and the lingering need that seemed to hit me every time I was in the same room with him, came on with vengeance.